BillsWife

Though I've been a member since '08, I've never posted, and am just a newbie on this site. There is not enough time in a day to let you know everything I've been through with my AH these 30 years...yes...30! I'm not sure exactly why or how I'm still here with him. If I were to tell you the litany of all the things that have happened, I know you would all say, "Oh my God, she's INSANE!" I should never put up with everything I do. But I do, always thinking it'll get better. And it just doesn't. I know I am SO codependent!

I took another look at Sober Recovery because the site recently sent me a birthday wish, and I thought...I should reconnect. This isn't a great day...not sure if he's drunk or using too much of his medication...and I'm exhausted, confused, unsure, pissed, etc. Thirty years is a long time to have shared a life with someone. We have three grown sons living at home, (that's another issue for another post). It's not all been horrible. It's just that most of what has been horrible happened because of his alcoholism. Of course, we have many wonderful memories, too.

Maybe I should give a little background; I'll try not to be too wordy. Bill was in AA when we started dating, and, for the most part, was sober for about the first 7 years of our marriage. I'd been to countless AA meetings, (as support) at the beginning, until all three boys were born. I went to Alanon, too. He started drinking sporatically, every 6 to 8 months, and, well, you all know what happens next...the time between became less and less. Through it all, he has kept his job for the last 22 years, by the grace of God. Though, it was in jeopardy after an incident in early May. He's been lucky he's been as functioning as he is. And, thank God, has never hurt anyone when he's driven under the influence.

You know what? My life with him is just too much to write...it could be a book. Not just my life with him, just my life! Just within the last 10 years we've been through: opening and closing a business, going bankrupt and losing our house because of it; lost my father-in-law and younger brother to cancer; lost teaching positions 3 different times during this period, none due to my negligence in any way, truly; lost another home in '10 and are now renting...wah, wah, wah!

I can't do this, there is soooooo much more...courts with Bill and the boys...suicide attempts with Bill...him having a gun and waving it at me in anger, (which he just spent 2 weekends in jail for) and we still owe the lawyer for that. I really thought this time with the gun would be his "bottom", but it doesn't look like it...

I lost my job as a Kindergarten teacher in June, and am on unemployment. I just found out that because of a loop-hole my past employer found, my unemployment payments are ending and I have to pay back the $984 that I have received. I have our attorney looking in to it.

I am really tired...think I'll call a divorce attorney for a consultation...I need serenity! I'm not sure it's out there, but I've been told it is.

I sound pittiful and have the "poor me's". Everything I've written sounds so disjointed...kind of like my life, actually :-(

catlovermi

Welcome back!

What we say: "Nothing changes, if nothing changes..."

You are well educated if you have been in AA and Al-Anon programs, it's just a matter of what you decide to do.

CLMI

BillsWife

Making decisions and change...never been easy for me, as you can see. Thank you so much for that good reminder about "nothing changing..."!

Tally

Serenity is definitely out there. I left my exABF after 8 years and the serenity came flooding back, along with my sanity, peace of mind and happiness. You won't regret it in time.

suki44883

Welcome back! Change is hard, no one will deny that. Just wondering...what would have to happen in order for you to say enough? The gun incident is really, really scary.

catlovermi

The flip side of that is that you don't have to change anything, today. You are free to explore your options and get to a point of decision when you are ready. Unfortunately, for both alcoholics and codependents, that point of readiness tends to be fed by rising pain levels - rising intolerance to a crazy life - but it takes what it takes, to change.

It's always helpful, however, to have a group of support folks that you can bounce things off of, hear of their experience and results, and the like, to coming back here is in itself progress, and a small change!

We also say "baby steps" - go forth as you are able.

Sending support,

CLMI

RollTide

I was with my XAH for 6 years and it was enough to make me completely insane so I can only imagine what 30 years and three kids has been like. I can only say how it was for me. I realized that I could no longer live with an alcoholic. Getting a divorce was painful but I can truly say that it was the best thing that I have ever done for myself. A year and a half later my life is much, much better. I'm working my program. I'm thankful that I finally took that hard step of filing for divorce.

Hugs to you.

BillsWife

Thank you all so much for reading and responding! There really isn't anything better than knowing people, who really understand, can share their "experience, strength and hope".

I saw my counselor this morning, and am feeling better. I have to consider my alternatives and have a plan for if and when I decide to leave.

Again, thank you for caring!

Freedom1990

Glad you are feeling better! Having a plan, heck more than one plan helps me to feel in charge of my life and not living at the mercy of someone else.

It truly is exhausting, exasperating and maddening living with an A.

Sending you hugs of support!

MsPINKAcres

((Wife))

Please know all are welcome here at SR - those that choose to stay or leave - no one will tell you what you must do ~
We try to encourage each other to make the decisions that are healthy and recovery oriented.
We like to see our SR family live Happy, Joyous and Free - as we are working our way to do the same.

Everyone deserves serenity, respect, dignity, love and healthy compassion.

I pray you continue your journey to finding the answers as to what is your HP's path for you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

luvmyfurbabies

You do not sound pitiful, just tired and fed up and wanting more from life. I gave my AH an ultimatum about a month ago. Either quit drinking or I'm moving in the garage apartment (my mom lived there till she passed away last September). His deadline is this weekend and I asked him this morning if he was going to quit drinking. He said no. My 3 day weekend will be busy with moving stuff next door. Like you I can say my life has just been too much......I am not giving up though. Someway I will find happiness and my unhappiness is not all his fault. I'm the queen of making bad decisions especially when it comes to relationships. I wish you so much luck.....

steve11694

I hope the garage apartment is comfortable and to your liking.

GettingBy

That's it in a nutshell. As my sponsor always says, when the time is right... you'll know. In the meantime, keep doing the footwork and climbing the Steps!!!

salleeCR

I know where you are coming from. Right now my AH is sitting outside half loaded and completely angry that he is out of booze and unable to get more. We've been married 48 years with him an active alcoholic for about 25 of those years. And, just like you I am weary of it all and tired, tired, tired of all the baggage that comes with living with an AH. I don't think this is much encouragement for you but just to let you know that you aren't alone in your situation and I wish you all the best.

Tally

SalleeCR, welcome You should try starting a thread of your own so you don't get lost amid the replies here, sounds like you could do with some support for yourself

luvmyfurbabies

Actually the garage apartment is very nice since it was built from the ground up according to blueprints that we designed for my mom. Some of my best memories are of her and I picking out cabinets, flooring, and wall colors.
My mom was very poor growing up and this apartment was the first time she had ever had anything new.

TakingCharge999

(((HUGS))) Welcome back to SR!!

You sound like you can use some time off. Can you do something little for yourself? walk in the park? a flower? some time alone? light a candle with your favorite scent?

Even small stuff like that reminds me that yes, I am worthy and I need to give myself much love and compassion, if I am ever to move forward. And often I put it off or think it is a loss of money to buy me a damn flower. Fortunately I can shoo those thoughts away and still do something nice for myself. Repeat with me "BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT" ...

Let us know what you did today, for yourself