MaryGoRound

Hey guys.

I had so much I wanted to say in twosomes to my other thread,etc.

But I needed a break. I felt like coming here was keeping me connected to it all as I was trying to get back on the horse. I've come around in circles, most days being occupied and strong enough not to contact.

I want to today. Because I am having an emotional day, that is more than likely terrible pms...

I want to talk to him, because I am sad about alot of things and given my own baggage, I always felt it comfortable to be open with him and not be afraid to share my emotions or the deep things that were troubling me.
Although many times they seem sociopathic almost, I've found addicts to be very emotional and deep... I think that's definitely part of the allure for me.

Anyway, I just needed a non-judgmental shoulder to cry on today.
I occasionally think about me and him and get upset for a few
Minutes and accept. I've been taking care
Of myself, seeing my therapist, reading self help crap like it's
My
Job, etc etc.

But today I feel overcome. I'm sad that I have let him go for good. As I know deep down I fear I will never feel as "close" to someone again. I'm angry that I was conditioned in my life to have certain relationship issues,
And I'm the one responsible for changing. Im starting to resent my new "great" job, like yesterday I left @ 1 pm and had to come back after an 8 hr s5tint to be back for another one from11pm-9 am.

My body clock is ******. I feel isolated, as I really shut down after my "relapse"... I feel like everything is kind of laced with a dry sadness.

And I did it all to myself. I opened the wound and poured salt into it...

I can intelletcually point all my codependent behaviors, but that really isn't stopping me from wanting to feel something today other than this.

whereas I felt shame before now I just feel resigned. Like okay, I just wasted my time for so long... Got strong, hit a weak spot.... And going through all of this you mean I have to accept the fact that I may never fully understand a of this and resolve it on my own?

I have to walk away from someone who loves me. And I guess I'm so deprived in the love area that it's absolutely feels like self-harm to do so.

I want those crumbs today. I just want someone to hold my hand, make me realize some people have BIGGER problems, laugh at my sarcastic jokes, and talk about creative things.

I'm in need of new creative friends, does anyone have any ideas for meeting new creative or deep or just even intellectual people in a new town?

I want to focus on new friendships,etc.

But I want a bite todY, just a nibble. Tell me I am loved

MaryGoRound

Oops so many typos. For some reason, the IPhon seems to turn everything into an innuendo..."responses" = "twosomes"?!

Really? this is the closest I've come to genuinely laughing in a while...

hello-kitty

Volunteer for a cause that means something to you.

Take a class.

Join toast masters.

Hang out in a coffee shop with your laptop.

Get a part time job working at a theatre.

Join a gym.

There's a lot you can do. I bet many opportunities will present themselves to you once you are free of your baggage.

Right now it sounds like you are going through some serious withdrawals. Just like drug addicts do. So don't give in to the cravings. No matter what.

Things that are worth doing, usually aren't easy. Recovery takes effort. But it's worth it.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you are feeling down today. Some days are just like that. I don't know if this helps but after divorcing my ex.....my HP placed a very dear man in my path. It took a while and I didn't feel really ready for relationship. But I married that dear man 26 years ago.

As one door closes, another door will open.

Here's the funny part. I had stopped dating when I met him. My picker was definately BROKEN. I seemed to be attracted to addicts, alcoholics, or a88holes (the three A's). I decided that I would only date on a "referral basis". If a guy wasn't referred by someone, I just took it as a red flag and wouldn't date them. lol. My dear husband was a referral and he was a really good one.

The difference between a bad day and a good day is just one day. Since you wrote your message yesterday......here's hoping that today is wonderful.

gentle hugs
ke

whyme123

Yes Mary, you are walking away from someone who loves you. It's one of the hardest things to do. His love is toxic, it's not healthy love.

If craving contact is making you feel this way today, imagine how you will feel after contact is actually made. Stay strong, you are strong!

Focusing on friendships sounds like a great idea, soon your social calendar will be so full you won't have time to think of your ex!

Freedom1990

These are all good suggestions. I was fortunate when I walked away from my EXAH as I had a new circle of recovery friends I had made while in rehab.

It takes effort to meet new people, and God knows I am a great isolationist if I let it be so. I battle that a lot.

I know what that loneliness feels like, and just wanting crumbs.

The problem was every time I went for the crumbs, I felt 100 X worse afterwards, and for days on end.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Sending you hugs of support!

MaryGoRound

Thank you, thank you, thank you <3

Today is a much better day. It coulda been the st. Johns wort. Coulda been te caffeine...
Lol. I still obsessively ruminate over it all, but I don't feel as down as I did yesterday.
Hormones are the death of me I swear! If I would have charted the times I crawled back to him, you would see a spike coinciding with my cycle. Mine are so strong sometimes I puke from nausea, like a pregnant woman!

I read your responses and I started to cry, lol. Because I am so thankful for this dang site! And to be able to let go with support. I thought today how just like the addicts...
I too had to realize the pain of "using" outweighs the pain of surrendering.

I had sex with him when I saw him. I didn't want to go here, because I felt so ashamed at first, but for some reason I get a yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis nearly everytime weve had sex. I need to listen to my body. This person is toxic for me in everyway. It's amazing how the body can tell you things if listen. I was ashamed because I didn't set out to sleep with him and I provoked it, since I hadn't seen him in so long. Ironically it was probably the best we've ever had, but anyway .. My point is my immune system starts to malfunction whenever I'm around him. I could list everything i came down with in undergrad due the stress, but let's just say... It was the equivalent of a bodily warzone. And it happened again, almost immediately. I got a throat infection (prolly caught it from a coworker), ph imbalance, then I got pink eye, and thennnn

Someone crashed into my car. So yeah I was/am overcoming a little bit of ****.
I am healing in every sense of the word. I am so lucky I didn't get aids or something, who knows. Ill never forgot the feeling of telling the doctor, that yes I have reason to believe I could have an STD...

If bad luck, health disturbances (be they due to stress or directly from him... Or not), and isolation arent enough signs to stay away I don't know what is.

I had a moment of clarity yesterday... The whole concept of letting go. The are so many stages. At first, youre clutching with your claws "I can't. I can't let go"
Then, you say okay "this sucks, but I'll give it go" meanwhile, you're secretly bargaining...
Then you it gets easier and bad days crop up here and there..
And finally it hits you. Just. Let. It. Go.

It's really that easy. There's nothing else that needs to be said regarding that. The urge just becomes like background noise that eventually is no longer an annoyance. I think being aware and saying to yourself to say okay this really hurts, but this is going to pass, makes it easier to let go.

There really is no other choice, so it remains what it is. The pain of staying in contact far outweighs the temporary pangs of missing crumbs.

It's a muscle for me to take care of myself. It is for all of us. Thank you for being my personal trainers, guys.

I like to look at this bizarre experience as a gift, to be able to develop this muscle. Like I really truly believe we are each others mirrors, and maybe I just needed another one last reminder to take care of myself.. And so our journey together has ended here. As much as it saddens me to see the "shadow" reflection fade away...I am grateful to be able to have seen the ugly side self neglect.

I know from the past too, that it only gets better and easier from here..

Doesn't mean I won't think myself into a cry. Get triggered by a song. Or go into the deodorant aisle and smell his deodorant just as a creepy private pleasure (lol... Never thought Id admit to THAT!! Only do that rarellyyyy. Swear!) miss his stupid freakin hands that would draw and paint next to me... They're also the hands that contain destruction
for me.

Giving in and doing the dance again feels like not using that muscle, not going to the gym and getting strong.

Unfortunately, my life experiences led me to a hole and I wanted someone to dwell down there with me on some level..See? It's okay, my buddy is broken too...

But I have to cut the cords and climb out myself.

Thank for listening. It's such a unique experience and I'm happy to have REAL WARRIORS to stand next to....

Thanks so much! This self-care stuff is a constant work out! It's a jungle out there!!!





Great things to hear.

nerdygirl

Aww, you sound so much better today! From my own personal past experience, I know I'll be okay no matter what. It just takes time. And I know there will be bad days, days I cry and cry and blame my HP and everyone else around me, then I get depressed and realize there's no one to blame buy myself. Then, I accept the decisions I've made and the fact that I'm lonely. Then, I crawl out of the hole and slowly start to find happiness again. That's my cycle. Takes time. Always time. But, it ALWAYS happens. Victory!