Newtosoberlivin

and feeling so ambivalent about leaving my old life behind, let me explain.

A guy I had a massive crush on (we are facebook friends) just texted me that he bought a brand new Harley today and wants to take me for a ride on it. Don't get me wrong, I love bikes and especially Harley's, but I know what this would be about (he's a bit on the wild side), but MOST importantly I have no plans to get involved with ANYONE anytime soon and it's pissing me off just a bit to be honest. Naturally I don't feel it's anyone's business what I am doing/dealing wtih right now (except of course for all of you wonderful people, my family and a few very close, trusted friends). So I don't feel the need to explain anything to anyone else.

I know that the right thing to do is to keep on keeping on the way that I am going but I have mentioned to others in AA, it feels like I am losing "me" by doing so, in a major way if that makes ANY sense whatsoever.

I am having a pity party I guess, I HATE that I can never drink again, I won't lie to all of you even though I KNOW I cannot. I used to be this fun-loving woman who loved to laugh and have a good time and cut loose. I feel so much that this part of me is leaving forever and I don't know how to deal with it.

I am miss heavy metal, hard rock, bike-loving chick, and I feel like who I need to become will be nothing but a boring, average, nobody (which is why I started drinking to begin with! I always felt outside looking in). this is a paradox to me.

Has anyone else ever felt this way? I have not begun working the steps yet (can you tell?) still waiting to find a sponsor, maybe it will make more sense to me when I do. I just feel confused about my own identity as a person and I don't like the feeling at all.

Thanks for listening to my babbling.

topspin

Sobriety will enhance your fun-loving, loving to laugh, having a good time,
....and cutting loose. Remembering it all will be a huge bonus too !


It probably just doesn't seem like that will happen (now), ...but it really will.

I can sure understand your ambivalence; .....the kind of life changing decisions you're making take some time. All, so well worth it though.

Have faith those great things in your personality won't disappear.

Dee74

I used to be a musician, I lived the rock star life...I always worried I'd lose me if I got sober too.

The fact is none of us would still be here on SR if recovery meant losing anything

As it turned out I didn't lose me - I found myself....the man I discovered was a me I'd totally forgotten...the Dee I was before all the booze and drugs took over.

I never realised the extent until I'd been sober some time, but doing all that crap really changed me - and not for the better.

It's great to be back in contact with the authentic me again.

and I never need to take anything or drink anything to make me 'better', to fit in, or have a good time.

I've made many changes to my life since 2007...but I can honestly say I'm more authentically me now, and way more happy, than I ever was in the years of my drinking and drugging.

you owe it to yourself to give your recovery a chance, new...you won't be disappointed

D

Tippingpoint

Great post Dee!

Really well said. Resonates for me big time. I hope to follow your lead.

esyla

i struggled with this to an extent, though not as bad as my good friend. she is having such a hard time not being the party girl anymore and tells me all the time she feels like she's losing who she is and she hates it. i don't really have much advice, but i do want to say congrats on starting your new life you will find happiness, i promise.

eJoshua

I hear what you're saying. It's totally about perspective for me. I used to feel the same way... God, am I really going to be one of those people that doesn't drink? Those boring people???

It's really not that way at all. The way I'm looking at it now, not drinking is not a chore and doesn't make me less fun or less risky. I still listen to metal and go to metal shows. I still love the Harleys and the tats, but I run with a new crowd now.

I'm not sure what to tell you about what changed this time around. Really I tried getting sober so many times and each time before now it really felt like a chore not to drink. I threw my little pity party every night. I had a bad case of the "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink"-itis, if you will. This time I feel different though. I've made peace with my sobriety and I'm satisfied living my new life.

I'm hoping once you start working the steps you'll start to view it this way, too. It's true that I still have times where drinking sounds attractive, but by and large I really don't look back and desire that any more.

You can still live a fun and crazy life, it's just going to be a fun and crazy sober life, which IMO makes you way more badass.

least

I didn't want to stop drinking cause I didn't want to face reality stone cold sober. I didn't think I could handle it. I was wrong.

I do so much better now, I enjoy whatever I do and I do it well. I wake up feeling great most mornings and don't want to lose that. I take good care of my dogs and myself and that's the number one reason that keeps me sober.

Try it. I think you'll like it.

eJoshua

Congrats on one week though! That is huge!

Newtosoberlivin

thank you to all of you, you are all such an important part of my recovery too.

I feel a lot better now, that I have had some time to think about how insane and insidious this disease really and truly is. There is nothing "fun loving" about drinking and being in a haze, there just ISN'T. I just finished reading "Came to Believe" as I try to read all and any AA literature I can get my hands on these days.

I think it really is true that "letting go and letting God" is the beginning path to the other side. I have found myself already practicing this new way of thinking the past week, not every moment, but quite a lot just the same. Living "here" instead of "yesterday" or "tomorrow" is a huge comfort. It's almost like a mental vacation (someone in the book described it that way and I think he/she is dead on).

As for that "guy?" He sent me a very suggestive text message after I posted which made me question "hmmm, has he been drinking?" Not being judgemental either, just honest for once. Instead of ripping him a new one (sorry, for lack of a better term), I shut my phone off, ignored it and lost myself in my book. That is a big first for me, for certain.

I may only have one week under my belt, but one day at a time, thank you God for taking away the urge to drink, just for today.

Hugs to all of you, you are the best!!

artsoul

That was a huge help to me, too, especially in the beginning. Staying in the day was about all I could handle.

Things may seem really strange and uncomfortable at first. It takes longer than a few days or weeks to build a new life.

As long as we stay sober, the future is wide open. For now, just keep it simple.... baby steps...... and be proud of your week sober!