esyla

hey all - i'm new to this forum, only just made my intro post, so excuse me if this is not the right place to put this little rant..

well.. it's a big rant i've been ranting about all day to my boyfriend, friend, and others in the program.

i have panic disorder and borderline personality disorder. i am on a mood stabilizer, antidepressant, xanax, and suboxone. i'd like to try being off the mood stabilizer because i'm not sure how much it helps (i started it about 2 months before i got sober) but i have some odd sleep-related side effects. i'm also starting to wean off subox. that leaves prozac and xanax.

now, i take less xanax now than i have in years. i've been prescribed it from my drs, but now i get it from my psychiatrist that specializes in addiction. i no longer take it every day, and i take a smaller dose than i was. i also don't abuse it like i used to a few years ago.

i know people think that means i'm not clean. i had an argument with my no longer temporary sponsor this morning because she insisted i need to try life off of xanax. i'm not freaking ready!!! and that's my choice! i said that wasn't my focus right now, and she said i'm not understanding what it means to be sober. well you know what? i'm sober in my own sense of the word and i'm ok with it! i'm coming up on 3 months clean from alcohol and pills. i take xanax as prescribed from a dr for anxiety reasons. i'm not going to let anyone tell me that i'm not sober "for real" because of it! i'm really at a place where i'm not going to tell anyone else in na that i am on xanax, period. i'm already discriminated against for being on subox. how dare she tell me i'm not ready to be sober because i'm taking xanax? just because some people are addicted to it and abuse it, i dont! my substance abuse psych gives it to me and monitors my dosage!

i'm really freaking annoyed right now. and hurt, and frustrated. i don't know if this is everywhere or common to the area i was going to meetings in (which wasnt really close to home), but people don't want to sponsor me because i'm on these various meds and i want to punch them and scream about how honesty gets me nowhere! im really so over the attitude and judgement from people who are in a program that is supposed to offer none...

nandm

Actually you are in the right place. There have been several posts on this very topic here recently.

Basically the fact of the matter is that AA treats alcoholism it does not treat mental health issues. I go to AA for my alcoholism. I go to my therapist/psych doc to treat my mental health diseases. Too often people in AA feel the need to play God once they get a few months of sobriety, and some with many years of sobriety, and dictate what is and what is not sobriety. They may mean well but what they perpetuate is an unwelcoming place for those with mental health diseases.

I have been told that if I would just work the program better all my mental health issues would go away....what a ridiculous statement. I work a very solid program of AA and continuously apply the Steps to every aspect of my life. The Steps are not a cure for mental illness. I am much more likely to commit suicide than I am to take a drink. I have been around the rooms of AA for a few years now and have heard from these people and watched them sit in judgement while having no clue what mental illness actually is. I have seen people stop their meds and wind up committing suicide. I have seen people stop their meds and go from being stable in their disease to not being able to find any stability again once they start them back up. The woman I am referring to is bipolar, she came off her meds in AA. Her bipolar disorder was being successfully managed before she came off them. Once she wound up in the hospital several times she went back on her meds. She has never been stable since. She has even tried shock therapy without success. I stopped my meds at one point in early recovery and nearly wound up hospitalized myself. I have learned that AA is there strictly to treat my alcoholism. My mental health team is there to treat my mental health diseases.

When I hear the subject brought up in the rooms of AA I remind them of the passage in "The Family Afterwards" which states In other words AA is for alcoholism treatment and Doctors are for mental health treatment. Don't let the ignorant few get to you. There are many others that are well informed who do not preach at people to stop their meds and tell them they are not sober because they take them.

esyla

thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for that post nandm. that's something i needed to hear and have never considered - using the program to treat my addiction, my dr for my mental health issues, etc. that is such a good way to look at things.

unfortunately, this is a common reaction ive gotten from so many people in my area when i do tell anyone i take anxiety meds. probably another reason i'm having trouble finding somewhere where i fit in in the program and diff surrounding areas that do things a bit differently than the last..

this just did a number on me today, man. i can't seem to stop talking about it, it's been on my mind since i woke up - before i went to bed last night, actually. i'm still so tense, im clenching my jaw, i can feel the tension in my neck.. i was in tears on the way to work this morning, and again when i talked to my mom about it (even though i tried to come off with a tough front).

my mind is just going a mile a minute, whirling with different possibilities and solutions. first i said i couldnt see how i'd ever go back. i considered switching fellowships. i did decide, permanently, to stop going to meetings in the area where i was (which was about 30-45 mins from my house anyway) because quite a few people have the same opinion. i stressed out about having to find a new network of people, because the majority of my network was in that temp sponsorship family, and not for nothing, the girl isn't discrete. yet another thing that rubbed me wrong. anyway, then i decided i'd start going to meetings in the other direction (there arent many that are too close to my house.. there are very few decent ones, as ive seen from experience and heard from others) and i wouldnt tell anyone about my meds. what business is it of theirs? but im not a dishonest person. and if i were to leave it out, i'd feel like i was hiding something i was doing wrong, and i do not by any means feel like i'm in the wrong or should feel ashamed or anything like that. my mind's just been going and going and going, needless to say.

i did speak to one woman today who made me feel a bit better. i met her husband last night and he gave me her number. i called today, we talked for about 40 mins (and im soo not a phone person!) explained the entire situation (leaving out the xanax) and she said she'd love to meet me, we could talk more (she's been where i am with subox/med issues and being refused as a sponsee) and if we clicked she could be my temp sponsor or fulltime sponsor, whatever i feel comfortable with. even if that doesnt happen, she is good to talk to and super helpful, so that's one bright thing that came out of this.

i really need to stop talking about it,stop thinking about it, and relax,because i'm doing nothing but working myself up and upsetting myself again. i took a hot shower, and for a moment, i started to pray that god take my tension away. but in reality, i dont even want to pray about this because i want to stop thinking about it.

ive talked it out, written it out, written a gratitude list, really tried to just get it out and let it go, but it's so under my skin and now has instilled the fear into me that i'll run into this again. i dont want to lie to a potential sponsor and not be completely open, but i don't want to be rejected again either or made to feel like the scum of the earth. i'm just so conflicted right now.

unfortunately, i just discovered this forum, as you can see, and i'm exploring and reading - it'll be hard to get me to put the laptop down, lol. i really should for the night so i can chill out before i go to sleep, or i know i'll be up half the night - and tomorrow is my 2nd day back at work so i need some sleep! i had no tme for starbucks this morning so i was almost falling asleep, front and center, in our welcome backmeetings. way to go me!

sorry for the rambling rant.i dont even know how coherant my thoughts are.. kinda just have a stream of consciousness thing going on so i can try and get it all out. so thanks to anyone out there who may be listening.

esyla

oh, and i just have to add - where you said you're much more likely to commit suicide than drink - that is EXACTLY how i feel!

my ex sponsor said that if i tried hard enough to learn other ways to cope, i would be fine- she did it (though she said herself she does not have an anxiety disorder.. so that makes a lot of sense, right?) and she's helped other girls do the same. i could strangle people when they say that! what she DOESN'T know, because she didn't bother to ask, is that it took years before i agreed to try meds. i went to different therapists and psychs and even drank like whoa for a few years before i would go on meds. xanax was the first thing i got, because i wanted something to take only as needed. still years later, i finally agreed to try effexor xr, which was awful for me,and made me lose so much hope. coming off of it was so difficult that i ended up going on prozac, which my mom took for years, and i've had much better luck with it. but the point is i have tried a whole hell of a lot, and ive had to accept that i'm just one of those people who has to take medication at this point in my life. i was always told that if i had heart disease, i'd take heart medicine..diabetes, insulin.. so if i have anxiety/depression, it's ok to take a pill for that, too. now, mind you, i'm in therapy every week, i just stopped seeing my psych twice a month and now go once a month, and i was using meetings as daily therapy besides that.

she also kept insisting that xanax is a narcotic. someone please correct me if i'm wrong, but i would swear that it isn't. it's a benzo, a controlled substance - but not a narcotic that i'm aware of. and i do my research on what meds i put into my body.

(as you can see, i'm not done ranting yet! LOL.. i'm really gonna try to shut up now because it's no good to work myself up over and over again )

checkmate1

I'm on anti psychotic and anti depressant medication. I also use xanax and valium for anxiety and panic disorder. There are a minority who abuse benzo's thus giving it a bad name for people like us using it for the correct reasons and getting it prescibed by our doctor's and under supervision. I haven't had a drink for 4 months and if it wasn't for the medications I take I would be self-medicating myself and drinking again. I feel I am clean and sober and don't let anyone tell you that your not sober or clean because of medication you use for mental illness.

micealc

Esyla and all,I attended AA meetings for years while I was on Medication.
I never found it a Problem because.......................I never mentioned that I was on Medication.....................I felt guilty though that I could not do without Something to help me Cope and sleep.
Some years later I was frustrated that I was not getting any Better Mentally.
I still suffered Anxiety/Tention.............................my Doctor suggested that I Try and get away from the the "Pill for all" way of living.

To make along story Short........I eventually got clean of all.....................this was after been dependant on Meds for most of my 20s and 30s.

I have had many sessions of Therapy.............

While listening to my Story one day someone suggested that I read the Laundry list of ACA,I had never heard of it up until then.


Now what I dont know is......does a person have to be sober and clean of all Pills like I was to get Identifaction with this list......................mabie not.

I would therefore suggest that you read the Laundry list and see does it apply to you.

It was the start of a new direction of recovery for me.

As a child,I was severly Bullied, Extreame attrachment to my Mother who was on Tranqualisers and anti depressents,I had terrible anger towards my Father,I suffered Panic Attacks as a Child,I was a Very nervous Child.......................I could go on.

I have discovered that I developed a survival Me ,I now call critical Me.
He wants to feel good all the time,wants to avoid pain.....................no matter the cost to my body or mind.

All this can be sorted....................If I have a little Faith

The real me,wants peace from all this crap,and to get connected with the Spirit that made me in the first place.

THERE IS LOADS OF WORK TO BE DONE,to find the Inner me and help him connect with Reality...............................This I am willing to do................... Because I am so worth it.

All I have to do to believe to that Im on a Spiritual Journey is believe Im only here for a Short Time................................I am not here on this Planet forever.

The Program of ACA is my lifeline........................I am also looking in to EMDR therapy for my Condition.

God is really looking after me,because I believe....................he has forgiven me for all my Mistakes.......................thats all the were,I knew no better.
He said Forgive them for they know not what they do.:day6

I wish you the Best.

Zencat

I take 3 mood elevators (SSRI SSNI) and a benzo for when I have a panic attack. I once tried to be open about this aspect of my recovery in AA/NA, but that didn't work for me too.

I decided that it's just safer for me to keep that part of my recovery a secret from other AA/NA members. I believe that my personal safety is more important that anything else.

esyla

so true. i'm definately going to keep it to myself from now on. i'm still really loving the point that aa is to treat alcoholism, and the psychiatrist is to treat psychiatric issues. keeping that in my head and thinking of it separately is going to benefit me greatly, i think.

Dedicated

Hi I a recovering alcoholic of 3yrs I also have depression anxiety panic attacks and ADHD all of which I have medications for prescribed by my addiction consultant. At the moment my life is a living hell due to my son in full blown addiction and is teAring the family apart if I had to also live without meds that I need I would possibly relapse.so my consultant says I have no choice, today even with Meds I have not been able to leave the house and have cryed all day I am alcoholic but I aso have a severe mental health problem so unless you have known both please let us live without being judjed

Mattcake

Is Xanax a "mind altering" substance? Yes. So is caffeine, nicotine and food (sugar rush, anyone?).

Is Xanax alcohol? No. Period.

soberlicious

I may be super dense, but I really, really don't get why some people try to monitor other members of their fellowship so closely as to comment on, give advise to, and pass judgement on how they are (quite capably) managing their own mental health issues. Can someone explain to me when this would ever be appropriate? feels counterintuitive...

esyla, everyone has said everything I would have said, so no new thoughts from me, but hang in, there is so much wisdom at SR.

xxzzfile

Agreed. I never got arrested after drinking coffee smoking a cig and eating sugar. And xanax mellows me out. Truth = They are not alcohol (the equal opportunity destroyer)

Zoltani

Mood altering vs. Mind altering ... There is a difference. Where to Draw the Line on Mind-Altering Substances? Whatever works ... Most alcoholics and drug addicts do as they please inside or outside recovery rooms. In my case, any "mind-altering" chemicals are out--period.

CodeJob

This might be useful to keep on hand for sponsors who start tracking outside of their area of expertise. This all or nothing approach to sobriety is exceedingly dangerous.

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-11_...ersMedDrug.pdf

letitgo

4 things
1. If you were popping xanax and not following you dr. orders I could see an issue. Abuse and misuse.

2. I hope you got a new sponsor. Your doctor knows best.

3. Medicines you take is confidential between you and your dr only.

4. That link makes me think AA knows some were negligent in giving bad advice in the past. It's seems they are trying to prevent this from happening.

sg1970

I take an SSRI. I have never told anyone in AA and they have never asked. Prescribed medicines are none of their business. I see posts on this subject often and always wonder why would you even tell others about your prescriptions?

GS123

I am not a doctor and do not have any medical expertise but what codejob said and the pamphlet that he posted a link too hit the nail right on the head in my opinion, it's very dangerous and not ethical for someone else without medical training to play doctor and say you should do something that is against what your doctor, who is fully aware of your situation, told you to do. I would never feel guilty for following a doctors orders, as someone else mentioned, you wouldn't tell someone with diabetes to not take insulin.

Keeya

I've got 63 days off of Xanax and it took me a very long taper to get myself off of it.

Keep moving in the right direction.

letitgo

Keeya, did you take any other meds in addition to xanax? How did you taper and what strength were you on?

A friend told me his anxiety was the worst when he quit xanax.

AnonSara

If you've been on any medication then only your dr should advise you on making any change. There is no denying that there is tons of overlap with mental health and addiction. Some sponsors and mtgs have a really hard time with the boundaries with this. In my opinion I think a sponsor could best support you by advising you about the importance of being 100% honest with your doctor. Thats as far as a sponsors medical advising should go. Take care of yourself.