Compassion is MIA
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
Compassion is MIA
I'm struggling with compassion for my RAS right now, and I really want to change this. This is the first time I've experienced a relapse in my home. This really is the first significant relapse he's had because before this, he was probably never clean for more than a week. If that. I've never done this before at close range, and I'm surprised by the feelings it's produced. He's only lived with me for 9 months. He went from jail to rehab to here. Before jail, he hadn't lived at home for close to 6 years. I didn't have a front row seat to his downward spiral. I knew it was happening, but he lived on his own. I hoped jail was his bottom. I hoped being homeless and losing everything he had was his bottom.
My struggle is that I was able to find compassion for the addict who was on his knees, broken, caught-up in the throes of addiction. The addict begging for help. I could understand how one stumbles into addiction without ever signing up for it. How it snowballs into something too big to control. I could feel love and empathy for the addict wanting to break free, but being physically and mentally driven to his own demise.
But this... this relapse. Where do I find compassion for the drug-free son who decides one day that maybe he's not so powerless after all... and maybe a pint of Vodka at night is not so bad if he can still get up for work in the morning... and maybe a handful of pills here and there is not so bad as long as it's not heroin... and maybe risking probation is worth the high and the buzz...
How do I find compassion for that? When my other kids are filled with rage for the brother who they feel sh!t on everything we offered him in recovery... how do I sit down and talk to them? They could see how his actions were beyond his control while in active addiction... but they just can't swallow it the same way when they know relapse was a conscious choice. There's a whole hell of a lot of time between thinking about relapse and actually doing it. A lot of time to pick up a phone and call a sponsor. A lot of time to pick up any of the tools he learned in recovery. Get to a meeting. Call the therapist. Call the 24-hour line at the rehab.
Also, I'm not one of those who believe relapse is "part of recovery." I'm with the group who believe relapse is part of addiction, yes, but it is not part of recovery. It is a step out of recovery.
I would appreciate others' experiences with dealing with relapse. I'm hoping to find some way of looking at this that makes me feel compassion for my son again. Because right now, I just look at him like a stranger. I do have anger. Life is calm on the outside, but inside, my mind is swirling.
It was easy for me to forgive the hurts of active addiction. But this conscious choice to step out of recovery and risk it all again... not so much.
My struggle is that I was able to find compassion for the addict who was on his knees, broken, caught-up in the throes of addiction. The addict begging for help. I could understand how one stumbles into addiction without ever signing up for it. How it snowballs into something too big to control. I could feel love and empathy for the addict wanting to break free, but being physically and mentally driven to his own demise.
But this... this relapse. Where do I find compassion for the drug-free son who decides one day that maybe he's not so powerless after all... and maybe a pint of Vodka at night is not so bad if he can still get up for work in the morning... and maybe a handful of pills here and there is not so bad as long as it's not heroin... and maybe risking probation is worth the high and the buzz...
How do I find compassion for that? When my other kids are filled with rage for the brother who they feel sh!t on everything we offered him in recovery... how do I sit down and talk to them? They could see how his actions were beyond his control while in active addiction... but they just can't swallow it the same way when they know relapse was a conscious choice. There's a whole hell of a lot of time between thinking about relapse and actually doing it. A lot of time to pick up a phone and call a sponsor. A lot of time to pick up any of the tools he learned in recovery. Get to a meeting. Call the therapist. Call the 24-hour line at the rehab.
Also, I'm not one of those who believe relapse is "part of recovery." I'm with the group who believe relapse is part of addiction, yes, but it is not part of recovery. It is a step out of recovery.
I would appreciate others' experiences with dealing with relapse. I'm hoping to find some way of looking at this that makes me feel compassion for my son again. Because right now, I just look at him like a stranger. I do have anger. Life is calm on the outside, but inside, my mind is swirling.
It was easy for me to forgive the hurts of active addiction. But this conscious choice to step out of recovery and risk it all again... not so much.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Compassion could be saying to him that you love him enough to not want to have a front row seat to watch him destroy himself and that until he is actively seeking recovery he needs to find somewhere else to live. That you know he has all the tools he needs and want to give him the opportunity to use them.
BeingStill, I am sorry you and your other children are experiencing this.
BeingStill, I am sorry you and your other children are experiencing this.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Relapse. Compassion. I can only relate my story with relapse in my home. I am not saying that I did or did not do the right thing. It is simply what I chose to do.
When my son relapsed after his last rehab (we had allowed him to live in our house), he got back on to the recovery train and tried again....and relapsed......recovery.....relapsed, etc., this went on for approximately 2-1/2 months. When it became evident that this was becoming a pattern, which to me was indicative of active addiction (not recovery). We made three statements and did it with as much love and compassion that we could muster:
1. You have the right as an adult to do anything you want to do.....but not while you're living in our house.
2. If you work an active recovery program, you can continue to live here while you pull your life back together.
3. If you feel that you do not want to work an active recovery program, you need to move.
This was all done calmly. His initial retort was "I'm an adult I have the right to smoke pot and drink beer if I choose to do so". My reply "I don't disagree with that but that is not the terms under which you came to live here after rehab." His reply "My recovery is none of your business." My reply "I don't disagree with that either but if you were in a program of recovery, you would be willing to be open and honest about it and would be welcomed to stay. But if you choose to exercise your right as an adult to not be in an active recovery program and smoke pot and drink beer, I will not and cannot stop you but I will not live with active addiction/alcoholism in my home. I am also in recovery and my recovery is the most important thing to me--even more important to me than your recovery. Your relapses jeopardize my program of recovery."
At this point, he tried the guilt approach....."So I have to live with that label of addict or alcoholic for the rest of my life?" My reply "If you choose to do so, yes. Your other option is to live with the label of recovering addict/alcoholic and I have more respect for a recovering addict/alcoholic than I do for the presidents or CEO's or Bill Gates of the world. Recovering addicts/alcoholics are doing what many do not have the courage to do."
At this point, he decided to move out. He did. He was evicted from his apartment two months later and has been living in his car and on the streets since that time.
I love him. I still have great compassion for him. Compassion means that we understand and can empathize with the fact that they are struggling with a really confounding disease but we don't have to live that disease with them.
They did not choose to become addicted. They have the choice to pursue recovery or not. We have the choice to live a life of despair or not.
This is my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest. I also have great compassion for you as I truly understand the position you are in right now and it's a very tough one.
You, your son and the rest of your family are in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
When my son relapsed after his last rehab (we had allowed him to live in our house), he got back on to the recovery train and tried again....and relapsed......recovery.....relapsed, etc., this went on for approximately 2-1/2 months. When it became evident that this was becoming a pattern, which to me was indicative of active addiction (not recovery). We made three statements and did it with as much love and compassion that we could muster:
1. You have the right as an adult to do anything you want to do.....but not while you're living in our house.
2. If you work an active recovery program, you can continue to live here while you pull your life back together.
3. If you feel that you do not want to work an active recovery program, you need to move.
This was all done calmly. His initial retort was "I'm an adult I have the right to smoke pot and drink beer if I choose to do so". My reply "I don't disagree with that but that is not the terms under which you came to live here after rehab." His reply "My recovery is none of your business." My reply "I don't disagree with that either but if you were in a program of recovery, you would be willing to be open and honest about it and would be welcomed to stay. But if you choose to exercise your right as an adult to not be in an active recovery program and smoke pot and drink beer, I will not and cannot stop you but I will not live with active addiction/alcoholism in my home. I am also in recovery and my recovery is the most important thing to me--even more important to me than your recovery. Your relapses jeopardize my program of recovery."
At this point, he tried the guilt approach....."So I have to live with that label of addict or alcoholic for the rest of my life?" My reply "If you choose to do so, yes. Your other option is to live with the label of recovering addict/alcoholic and I have more respect for a recovering addict/alcoholic than I do for the presidents or CEO's or Bill Gates of the world. Recovering addicts/alcoholics are doing what many do not have the courage to do."
At this point, he decided to move out. He did. He was evicted from his apartment two months later and has been living in his car and on the streets since that time.
I love him. I still have great compassion for him. Compassion means that we understand and can empathize with the fact that they are struggling with a really confounding disease but we don't have to live that disease with them.
They did not choose to become addicted. They have the choice to pursue recovery or not. We have the choice to live a life of despair or not.
This is my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest. I also have great compassion for you as I truly understand the position you are in right now and it's a very tough one.
You, your son and the rest of your family are in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Your situation is the one that I hope doesn't present itself to me and my husband. Our son is two months out of rehab and living at home. We have a counselor that we are seeing to help all of us face whatever transpires in the future. Are you talking to anyone about what has happened? You are in need of setting forth boundaries now. Our counselor will help us set boundaries should they become necessary or need to change over time. Will you allow your son to continue living at home and abusing drugs and alcohol? What do you want to do now?
I know you are really frustrated with your son and angry with the choices he's making. I'm sorry he hasn't realized how dangerous his actions have been to him. He hasn't felt enough pain apparently to see that what he is doing is harmful. You'll have to let him go so he can start reaping what he's sowing and experiencing the consequences head on of his choice to resume using drugs and alcohol. There's really no other way for him to come to the realization that he must live totally drug and alcohol free.
I know you are really frustrated with your son and angry with the choices he's making. I'm sorry he hasn't realized how dangerous his actions have been to him. He hasn't felt enough pain apparently to see that what he is doing is harmful. You'll have to let him go so he can start reaping what he's sowing and experiencing the consequences head on of his choice to resume using drugs and alcohol. There's really no other way for him to come to the realization that he must live totally drug and alcohol free.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have zero tolerance for active addiction in my home, which is why my AD is not welcome in my home.
She has to have at least two years solid recovery before she can even come in the front door, and I don't see that happening in my lifetime.
It is possible to love a child to death, and I refuse to get in the way of God's plans for her.
She called me several months ago as she had been evicted once again, and wanted to come stay with me. That was not, and will never be an option again.
What are the consequences of him being drunk/high in your home?
She has to have at least two years solid recovery before she can even come in the front door, and I don't see that happening in my lifetime.
It is possible to love a child to death, and I refuse to get in the way of God's plans for her.
She called me several months ago as she had been evicted once again, and wanted to come stay with me. That was not, and will never be an option again.
What are the consequences of him being drunk/high in your home?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 128
He's not actively using now. The relapse was rather short-lived. The day I found out he had to leave. He went to detox and voluntarily signed back up for an IOP. He voluntarily offers up drug tests through the rehab center. He pays rent. He meets with his sponsor. He goes to meetings.
Outtolunch... you ask if I'm nearing my bottom. I hit that 6 years ago when I had him leave. I'm not feeling feelings of chaos or desperation or anything like that. It's this empty sadness about feeling so disconnected from my son. Like I'm not feeling enough love for my son. My struggle isn't with having him in the home or not. That's all been discussed and my boundaries have been set. I feel very secure and serene in knowing what I need and want to do. I'm actively involved in a community drug awareness coalition and I serve as secretary/literature chair for my home group. I work weekly in the recovery community.
I don't struggle with actions, but rather with these new feelings. With this relapse, I followed through with my boundaries and the relapse plan I set in place with his rehab counselors before he came home. He and I worked with his therapist over several sessions to create a relapse plan, and that went into autopilot when the relapse occurred. If there is a subsequent relapse, my boundary is that he no longer has the privilege of living in my home. I will help with treatment if I can, and I will cover his first month's rent in a sober home should he choose to go to one. I have followed through with each and every boundary and condition that I set.
I just feel like this relapse broke something in me and it almost hurts more than finding out he was an addict in the first place. My pain is not about him or anything like that. It's about me. I am saddened, as a mother, that I can't find the same empathy for my child that I had 9 months ago. I was prepared for a relapse in my head... it's the heart part that I'm struggling with.
I guess I'm just wondering if other parents ever struggle with feeling like the love they have for their child is damaged. Like the addiction hurt something in the parent's heart.
Outtolunch... you ask if I'm nearing my bottom. I hit that 6 years ago when I had him leave. I'm not feeling feelings of chaos or desperation or anything like that. It's this empty sadness about feeling so disconnected from my son. Like I'm not feeling enough love for my son. My struggle isn't with having him in the home or not. That's all been discussed and my boundaries have been set. I feel very secure and serene in knowing what I need and want to do. I'm actively involved in a community drug awareness coalition and I serve as secretary/literature chair for my home group. I work weekly in the recovery community.
I don't struggle with actions, but rather with these new feelings. With this relapse, I followed through with my boundaries and the relapse plan I set in place with his rehab counselors before he came home. He and I worked with his therapist over several sessions to create a relapse plan, and that went into autopilot when the relapse occurred. If there is a subsequent relapse, my boundary is that he no longer has the privilege of living in my home. I will help with treatment if I can, and I will cover his first month's rent in a sober home should he choose to go to one. I have followed through with each and every boundary and condition that I set.
I just feel like this relapse broke something in me and it almost hurts more than finding out he was an addict in the first place. My pain is not about him or anything like that. It's about me. I am saddened, as a mother, that I can't find the same empathy for my child that I had 9 months ago. I was prepared for a relapse in my head... it's the heart part that I'm struggling with.
I guess I'm just wondering if other parents ever struggle with feeling like the love they have for their child is damaged. Like the addiction hurt something in the parent's heart.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by BeingStill 
I guess I'm just wondering if other parents ever struggle with feeling like the love they have for their child is damaged. Like the addiction hurt something in the parent's heart.
I understand the feelings of him making a conscious choice to relapse. I drank/used again after 4 years clean/sober and the relapse started long before I picked up the substances, just as you were talking about.
My AD was 12 at the time, and was terribly hurt that I had uprooted her to start our lives over, and then I blew it anyway.
It's something she's still angry about over 21 years later.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 52
Maybe it would help to shift the focus of your search for compassion. Have compassion for yourself and RAS's siblings. It's a family disease, and you're all being affected. You can't control your son's actions. Forgive yourself for your expectations of him (that he wouldn't stumble). This is a huge disappointment for you - the realization of your fears. Seek to find your way back to peace within yourself. Detach, detach, detach. Maybe you can't even think about compassion for him until you have dealt with your anger...work through it. He didn't do it to you...he did it to himself.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by ready2learn
Maybe it would help to shift the focus of your search for compassion. Have compassion for yourself and RAS's siblings. It's a family disease, and you're all being affected. You can't control your son's actions. Forgive yourself for your expectations of him (that he wouldn't stumble). This is a huge disappointment for you - the realization of your fears. Seek to find your way back to peace within yourself. Detach, detach, detach. Maybe you can't even think about compassion for him until you have dealt with your anger...work through it. He didn't do it to you...he did it to himself.
Thank you. Every single word of this helped. More than you know. I'm printing it.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 52
The other thing I want to say to you is that "yes," I have those disconnected feelings for my AS, who is in rehab and has been for a year now. He still has about 8 months to go. A lot of times I feel so estranged from him, and I feel like we are strangers. That's a hard feeling for a mother to have...I know exactly what you're talking about. Sometimes I dread the day when he will get out...fear of the unknown. But underneath these thoughts and feelings, I know that I still have a deep love for him. Working my recovery will help me let it surface again one day.
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For me, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Compassion and affection go out the door when I'm subjected to toxic behavior up close and personal. At that point I'm in survival mode, whether it be fight or flight.
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I guess I'm just wondering if other parents ever struggle with feeling like the love they have for their child is damaged. Like the addiction hurt something in the parent's heart.
Yes. I do feel like my love for my son has been damaged but it's been a process that I believe has led me gradually to a more healthy type of love for my AS. It is not an obsessive love anymore. It is not a love that wants to control him. It is the love of acceptance and respect. Acceptance of the fact that he has the choice to do whatever he wants to do and respect to stand back and allow him to be the adult that he is........my approval or judgement is not useful.....I feel disconnected from him but I know that I love him deeply and always will.
I am so sorry that your heart is hurting. We are all doing the best we can. I have no doubt that your son still holds his special place in your mother's heart, just as your other children do as well.....but it has a special shield on it to help you cope.
gentle hugs
ke
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