Tatertot

So... most of you know I've been seeing my SO (significant other) for over a year now. He is an RA/A. I've only ever known him clean/sober (he has almost 29 months now). We have a wonderful, honest, trusting, respectful, loving relationship.

The thing that was the hardest for both of us to swallow surprisingly was not his past, but the fact that I am 34 and he is now 55. Just over a 20 year age gap. But somehow, it just seems to work. We have similar interests, similar beliefs, similar senses of humour (most important to me). I can honestly say it has been the most amazing, fulfilling relationship of my life.

Now my parents knew I was seeing "someone" but they are gone about 6 months of the year and I lead a very busy life (outside my SO) so I never have a lot of free time to get together with them.

They've asked me questions in the past but I've kind of deflected them and changed the subject. Mostly because I know my mom is VERY against age gap relationships. My sister's exbf was only 13 years older than her and my mom almost couldn't handle it. She and my dad are only 5 years apart (he's older) and she now says she can't believe how much it is affecting their relationship (this is after almost 42 years of marriage).

BUT I asked my mom out for coffee this past Saturday and I knew that at some point she would bring him up... but it was the WAY she was doing it that almost drove me batty! She kept saying "So when are we going to meet your new YOUNG man?" or "Dad and I have been getting the boat ready so we can invite you and your YOUNG man out for a day." Finally I just looked at her and said "Mom... I'm 34 years old... at this point in my life I don't necessarily have to be dating a YOUNG man... he could very well be middle aged!" She just kind of got a blank look and said "But... he'd be a young man compared to US." I said "Well he IS younger than you, but he is definitely closer to your age than mine."

This started a long discussion where I told her practically everything about him and his family and it did culminate with me telling her that he is 55 years old. For the briefest of moments I thought about lowering his age by 5 years but decided I was going to go into this with nothing but the truth.

At one point she asked me "Where did we go wrong?" I just said why does it have to be wrong? He makes me happy, we are happy together... what could be wrong with that? I have a history of choosing people that my parents would not necessarily have chosen for me, but ALL of them have loved me unconditionally and treated me like gold. No one has ever hit me, abused me, cheated on me, or even broken my heart. I have been the one to break their hearts. My choices are good ones. I know that and hopefully my parents do too.

At one point she asked me if he had a drug/alcohol addictions past... I tried to deflect that one though because I feel that some things are not mine to tell. She only asked because she knows that he works at the shelter/recovery center where I volunteer. However I did hesitate for a second on that one, so she might already know the answer...

So the end result was better than I expected. She told me she was happy that I was finally letting her in to my life and that the only thing she could do is be happy for me if I am happy. She said she would just have to meet the guy before she could make any more informed opinions.

So... 1 down, now I just have to somehow tell my Dad! Yikes!

Sorry this was so OFF TOPIC, but I just had to share

dollydo

I married two men both older than me. One was 14 years older, the other was 18 years older.

Both died of cancer. I was their caretaker, not pleasent.

Would I ever marry another man with that much of an age difference...no....would I date another who was that much older... aah maybe....why? Cause I am 64, you can do the math!

I am glad that your mother is ok with the deal, if your father is not, oh well, this is your life, not his. At your age, I do not feel that you need their blessing or approval.

Thanks for sharing!

Tatertot

Thanks Dolly!

I really appreciate hearing from people who have "been there"!

I'm sorry to hear about both your husbands. How long were you married to both?

I have considered the whole "caretaker" angle of the story, but after having watched my grandparents go through something similar (not due to age, just poor health in general) and I saw my grandmother go from being my grandfather's wife to his nursemaid... I felt horribly for her and she started to really resent him at the end. It wasn't fun for her that's for sure!

I don't think I would ever put myself in that position. I would like to think that if either one of us got to the point that we needed constant care we could bring in a care aide for that purpose. I know it's more $$$ but I think it would be worth it for our own mental wellbeings... (but I've also learned to never say never!)

But I also don't like thinking about 20 years down the line... I don't want to give up a sure happiness now, today, for a "what if" later... I kind of look at it like if I'm happy today and I'm happy tomorrow, and the day after that then we'll just keep on going. We'll deal with 20 years down the road when we get there... might not be the best way to look at it, but it's almost the ONLY way I can look at it. (One day at a time, lol )

I'm very glad to get your perspective on age gaps as I'm also part of an online age gap community, but sometimes the answers you get seem to be kind of a "mob mentality"... where everyone spouts the same thing... It's kind of like here a bit where people post something personal about what they're going through with an active alcoholic and the first thing most people say is a generic "Have you tried Al anon?" (Not saying it's a bad thing, but posting about something most people here aren't experts with, such as an age gap, it seems to draw out more personal responses which I totally appreciate... just like when I post about recovery over there... not everyone knows what to say so I always get raw, honest opinions...).

Anyway as you can probably tell, I'm a rambler! I really hope you are at a place right now where you are at peace and happy in your life.

If I may ask... what drew you to these older men? Were you always attracted to older guys? For me it's the first time I've gone outside of a 4 year age range...

T

Oh, and PS I don't need their blessing or approval, but we are a close family (I work with my dad, he's 10 feet from me right now) and I don't like keeping secrets from them...

dollydo

I was married to my first husband for 17 years, he was 14 years older than me, he died of a brain tumor, his journey to death was rather quick, only took 6 months after being identified.

My second husband? I was married to him for 23 years, he was 18 years older. He had prostate cancer, the aggressive form, to make a very long story short, he went into stage 4 after 11 years, in the meantime, there was surgery after surgery and alot of other mental issues, depression and so on. It was a very long, stressful journey for me.

There was no way that in home care could be provided for 12 years, sometimes he was ok, other times he was in dire need of care, and, I had to be the caretaker. In a perfect world, I too, would have preferred to have someone else take care of him. I must add that he, too, sufferd from dementia. Now, that's a trip to deal with.

What drew me to them? Stability, something I did not have as a child. Although, I always worked and had a good career, they were my back up position, the father that I never had...not the right reason, yet, the truth.

I am in no way trying to deter you from going forward with this relationship. One never knows the outcome, he may outlive you, you may never have to caretake him.

Live in today, don't attempt to project into the future, the future has been and will always be unknown.

Nice to meet you, I feel that you will make the right decision for you!

Cyranoak

When a woman is 35 years old I don't think age matters that much unless it matters to her. He's a good man or he isn't-- period.

Cyranoak

P.s. High five him for me...

Seren

Mr. HG is 14 years older than I......works just fine!

Tatertot

Cy... that's hilarious I'll be sure to give him that high five! But you're right at my age, age really doesn't matter. And he is definitely one of the best men I've ever known. I still thank God that I never knew him in his using days...

HG... how long have you been together? Any gems of wisdom to share??

To be honest though... in the over a year that we've been together we have yet to experience one person's negative reaction to seeing us together. Most people are very supportive and are glad that we make each other so happy. Only one person has ever thought that he was my father... and as soon as that person found out the truth he also gave my SO a high five, lol!

gerryP

"Where did we go wrong" lol. I grew up hearing that from my mother.
As long as the 2 of you are happy...Glad to hear all is good Tater!

iwanttohelpher

Good for you. I've known many people that there was a 20 year age gap.. they are still happily married.

If you are happy then that is the only thing that matters... being a caregiver is alot of work and stress, I had to do it for my son in law, he was only 32 but I wouldn't have changed a minute of it (other than he died from his leukemia)

Yes I had to help do many things for him, as did my AD (she wasn't a drug user then). We took turns doing lots of the care. I also cared for their daughter during this, the hospital he was in was an hours drive away.. that was hard commuting to so that his daughter could see him.. when he came home and we had to be the caregivers, I learned many things.. I would just lay beside him on the bed and talk for hours, about many things, not just about his illness.. his daughter would come lay with us and we would laugh for hours at his accents he would try, his Russell Peters jokes.. I don't think any of us had laughed that hard even before he got sick.

So I just wanted you to now that being a caregiver isn't always about the hard work, it can also be a time of becoming even closer than you thought you ever could. And yes there is always some form of help available if he ever needed it.

None of us know who long we will be here, enjoy everyday and if you have that with your SO.. then what else matters?

Wishing you a continued happy life together..