Scolova

On a daily basis throughout my life my brain hits times (like hiccups) where it constantly brings back memories of bad experiences, anything from being bullied in school 30 years ago to the many ignorant things I have done along the way. I realized many years ago (before drink and drug) that I was not retaining many good memories from life, I could remember that I went places with the family but could not retain or recite details of 'the good time' I had. It made me a social pariah as I could not really tell one decent \ good tale from my past, although I am relatively good with retaining meaningless trivia question type of stuff.

There are times during my days I can use the 'Water under the bridge' mantra, but when the 'hiccups' start it's incredibly difficult to make them stop, just have to let them pass. I know now with complete certainty that the drink has done me just as bad (if not worse) than my parents playing the whole 'cover it up and it'll go away' game, not taking me to see a doctor about anything ... hell! No one even realized I needed glasses to see the chalkboard until I was in 4th grade ... I guess they were afraid I'd be 'labeled' something. I have wondered many times if I was just another undiagnosed case of brain injury or autism, but I guess that's ... "Water under the bridge" now.

Maybe I'm just kind of venting here, but I would like to hear from others dealing with such things, if it has lead you to the drink or drugs, or how you cope with it....?

Dee74

When I got sober, I've often likened it to the tide going out...the drinking was gone, but now all the debris and driftwood that I tried to cover up with my drinking was exposed.

It's a big job, piece by piece...and takes a lot of courage and honesty - sometimes a little help can be very useful.

Counselling really helped me a lot - maybe it's something to consider Scolova?

D

JimE

Hi Scolova, this may be something a lot of us have in common. It has been for me too. Counseling with a therapist and then taking the 12 steps helped me to deal with the past. My head can be like a popcorn machine at times with thoughts bouncing around. There are negative tapes that get going, stuff that happened years ago can pop up when something happens that I perceive as similar, feeling wise.

Trying to keep in mind the things I have to be grateful for today helps combat those negative thoughts or memories. You're not alone with this.

Anna

I had the problem of bad memories jumping back into my life unexpectedly and often and it was most frustrating. In fact, sometimes when I would be enjoying myself the most, the bad memories would start running through my mind.

"The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle helped me a lot.

Also, Morning Glory posted this sticky a long time ago. It's a bit long, but definitely worth the read. It gives you some good tips on how to stop those memories the second the enter your mind:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html

MycoolFitz

I've spent a lot of time living in the past, usually not a pleasant experience. When not in the past I would dwell in the future, usually not a pleasant experience. In recovery one of my techniques is to be mindful of just this moment. That's why my location on SR is Here, Now. Not as easy as it seems it should be, but worth it. When I am Here, Now, it is a pleasant experience because in the moment its always all right.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done,
we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.
So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger,
but in wisdom, understanding and love."
Jennifer Edwards

raindancer11

I know exactly what you're talking about. I still have these memories that creep in at the weirdest times. The practice of bringing my mind to the present has been very helpful. Just knowing that I can do this gives me a sense of peace. Making a gratitude list has also helped a lot. I resisted this at first. But it really does work.

ajangel

I have spent my entire life pushing back, avoiding, hiding from painful memories in my childhood and life. It served me well for a while but it does manifest itself in my problem solving skills and my relationships. I do think that was a lot of my problem with my drinking. In order to avoid the pain, I sucked down vodka. My memories come at unexpected moments. I find as I get older, it is harder to push it back be. I have often thought of therapy but quite honestly, I don't want to remember most of those times. All I can do is forgive others, forgive myself, and make my future better. I have the ability to do that now that I am sober.

Scolova

Thank you all for the comments & suggestions... I will try them and see.
Wish I would have talked to someone about when I was young, but I probably would have been tagged a schizophrenic..
I'm one week sober today and feeling pretty good about it, also found there are three AA meetings within a few miles of me and going this week.

Thanks Again & Best Wishes All

ajangel

I doubt they would think you are schizophrenic. You would be surprised how many people have had a horrific childhood. I don't want to relive my past. It is better left where it is. Great job on one week. AA has been a wonderful for me. Hang in there.

Scolova

Thanks for the link Anna, lots of things I (and I'm sure many others) can relate to and use there. I am also going to check out some of Eckhart Tolle's work.

Have a great day everyone.