Fed up and moving on. Really.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 16
Fed up and moving on. Really.
Hello everyone-
The last time I posted was a bit over two months ago. I suppose an update would be good.
As a recap: Im a 26 year old female living in Seattle. I've been dating an alcoholic for a year now (anniversary was on Friday) and I love him to death. His alcoholism however has sucked all the hapiness and life out of me that I had before I met him and now I feel like Im dead inside. Two months ago I gave him an altamatim that he either stopped drinking or I would be happy to go my own way. To my surprise, he decided to stop drinking and did so for two months. He quit drinking for two months with no slip ups and I was very proud of him. It was, granted, a very rough two months for him (boredom, change of lifestyle, etc) but he did it.
A week ago or so he decided to start drinking again. At first it wasnt so bad. He could have a beer or two with friends and then go home and that would be it for the night. Slowly he started drinking more when he went out and of course, now he is drinking to the point where he gets so wasted he cant talk correctly or hold balance which leaves us back right where we started.
We decided to move in together but clearly that is going to change now. Last night we had a housewarming BBQ and had several friends over. He's completely broke right now (doesn't have a job, on unemployment because he was originally going to start going back to school) and throughout the night all he was doing was hoping people would buy him more drinks. He was hanging out with our friends for the sake of their friendship, he was hanging out with everyone because he wanted to drink more.
He came over a little after I did and ...I just was really sick of it. I told him he was never going to stop drinking and that nothing had changed since his two months of sobriety, the same problems were still there. He got angry with me and yelled at me, calling me names (this is a first) and argued with me profusely. Then took his stuff and walked out.
I woke up this morning not even feeling sad. Feeling more angry than I have ever felt before. I cant even explain the amount of anger and resentment I have with this person now. My entire year has been devoted to this wonderful, loving person that Im so incredibly in love with, and it was as if in one night it just ALL went away.
I called my father this morning (who knows the situation) and told him I needed things to change. He offered coming to England to live with him. That is where I am originally from and I have missed it so much the last couple years. I am seriously considering just packing my stuff and moving and never seeing this person again. I want to get my life together and I cant do it when I have a ball and chain on my ankle. Clearly this person doesnt give a damn about me or how I feel, Im pretty sure this person doesnt even love me the way they say they do. So, in lieu of that, theres really no incentive for me to be with them. I feel as if I do nothing for them because of the alcoholism and I just want to have an awesome life. I dont think thats asking too much.
The last time I posted was a bit over two months ago. I suppose an update would be good.
As a recap: Im a 26 year old female living in Seattle. I've been dating an alcoholic for a year now (anniversary was on Friday) and I love him to death. His alcoholism however has sucked all the hapiness and life out of me that I had before I met him and now I feel like Im dead inside. Two months ago I gave him an altamatim that he either stopped drinking or I would be happy to go my own way. To my surprise, he decided to stop drinking and did so for two months. He quit drinking for two months with no slip ups and I was very proud of him. It was, granted, a very rough two months for him (boredom, change of lifestyle, etc) but he did it.
A week ago or so he decided to start drinking again. At first it wasnt so bad. He could have a beer or two with friends and then go home and that would be it for the night. Slowly he started drinking more when he went out and of course, now he is drinking to the point where he gets so wasted he cant talk correctly or hold balance which leaves us back right where we started.
We decided to move in together but clearly that is going to change now. Last night we had a housewarming BBQ and had several friends over. He's completely broke right now (doesn't have a job, on unemployment because he was originally going to start going back to school) and throughout the night all he was doing was hoping people would buy him more drinks. He was hanging out with our friends for the sake of their friendship, he was hanging out with everyone because he wanted to drink more.
He came over a little after I did and ...I just was really sick of it. I told him he was never going to stop drinking and that nothing had changed since his two months of sobriety, the same problems were still there. He got angry with me and yelled at me, calling me names (this is a first) and argued with me profusely. Then took his stuff and walked out.
I woke up this morning not even feeling sad. Feeling more angry than I have ever felt before. I cant even explain the amount of anger and resentment I have with this person now. My entire year has been devoted to this wonderful, loving person that Im so incredibly in love with, and it was as if in one night it just ALL went away.
I called my father this morning (who knows the situation) and told him I needed things to change. He offered coming to England to live with him. That is where I am originally from and I have missed it so much the last couple years. I am seriously considering just packing my stuff and moving and never seeing this person again. I want to get my life together and I cant do it when I have a ball and chain on my ankle. Clearly this person doesnt give a damn about me or how I feel, Im pretty sure this person doesnt even love me the way they say they do. So, in lieu of that, theres really no incentive for me to be with them. I feel as if I do nothing for them because of the alcoholism and I just want to have an awesome life. I dont think thats asking too much.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You do deserve to have that awesome life you speak of. You are a bright, loving, brave person & you're right to doubt his love bc an active alcoholic (from what I've been told) can't love another or be a part of a r/s bc their primary r/s is w their addiction.
Go be e your dad is my two cents. If your bf gets sober over time it sounds like he's not
Well established in a career so he could always go be where you are if YOU want him down the road... Don't do what I've done & put your life on hold waiting for
him to get sober. Go live life & you can still love him but maybe do it from afar for a while & give yourself space to clear your head. Guaranteed he will go from anger to manipulation & will try to suck you back in soon.
Just remember ACTIONS count, not words. Its taken me years & subjecting two kids to an alcoholic home for me to figure this out; what I wouldn't give to have had a clue about alcoholism & to have been told i didn't have to accept AH's behavior (that i blamed myself for) back when we were dating...
Sending you warm thoughts. I'm sorry you're going through all that you are. Loving an alcoholic is painful isn't it?
Go be e your dad is my two cents. If your bf gets sober over time it sounds like he's not
Well established in a career so he could always go be where you are if YOU want him down the road... Don't do what I've done & put your life on hold waiting for
him to get sober. Go live life & you can still love him but maybe do it from afar for a while & give yourself space to clear your head. Guaranteed he will go from anger to manipulation & will try to suck you back in soon.
Just remember ACTIONS count, not words. Its taken me years & subjecting two kids to an alcoholic home for me to figure this out; what I wouldn't give to have had a clue about alcoholism & to have been told i didn't have to accept AH's behavior (that i blamed myself for) back when we were dating...
Sending you warm thoughts. I'm sorry you're going through all that you are. Loving an alcoholic is painful isn't it?
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
For me, taking care of my life is way more important than anyone else, including someone I love dearly (except for my young children of course). The only way for things to improve is by us putting ourselves before another. If it's moving back to England, then do it. If it's telling this man that you love that he needs to seek rehab or leave for good, than do it. Whatever it takes to take care of you. Love has nothing to do with alcoholism. A person can't love another if they can't love themselves first.
Peace,
Jen
Peace,
Jen
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
So sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately with As it only gets worse. Now he is showing signs of verbal abuse too, and that's a road you do not want to travel down. Alcohol or not. Maybe it would be best to go home for a bit. You don't have to go permenantly, just think of it as a vacation. Once you are out of the situation your head will be clearer and you can observe from afar how he is behaving without being all caught up in it.
This disease is unfortunately progressive and unless he gets straight and works a program now it will destroy the both of you. We all understand the anger, sadness, emptiness, etc.
I was talking to a friend who's brother was involved with an abusive A and she described how as time went on his light got dimmer and dimmer until it went completely out. We lose our light in these relationships. I used to be SO FUN. Always happy and silly, doing the things that made me happy with the people I love. Eventually those people became fewer and fewer (we isolate ourselves because we are afraid of others seeing the truth and we are ashamed if they know the truth), and I lost interest in the things I used to love.
We can blame them all we want but it is our responsibility to keep that flame inside of us alive. An A is certainly not going to do it for you, they are a hurricane. No flame can survive a hurricane.
Take it one day at a time and follow your instincts not your heart. Hugs.
This disease is unfortunately progressive and unless he gets straight and works a program now it will destroy the both of you. We all understand the anger, sadness, emptiness, etc.
I was talking to a friend who's brother was involved with an abusive A and she described how as time went on his light got dimmer and dimmer until it went completely out. We lose our light in these relationships. I used to be SO FUN. Always happy and silly, doing the things that made me happy with the people I love. Eventually those people became fewer and fewer (we isolate ourselves because we are afraid of others seeing the truth and we are ashamed if they know the truth), and I lost interest in the things I used to love.
We can blame them all we want but it is our responsibility to keep that flame inside of us alive. An A is certainly not going to do it for you, they are a hurricane. No flame can survive a hurricane.
Take it one day at a time and follow your instincts not your heart. Hugs.
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