TheBadGuy

Hi,

New here. First post.

I have a childhood "friend" (I have a hard time evern calling him a friend) who is an alcoholic. I had not seen or talked to him since high school until he showed up on my doorstep two years ago. At that point he was on his sixth DUI, had been to court-mandated rehab, sober living, and even prison on more than one occasion over the last twenty years.

Since he reentered my life, he received his seventh DUI, and another stint in rehab. I will refrain from ranting, and just say this: He told me once (when he was sober) that he saw no problem with drinking and driving, and that he was actually a better driver drunk than sober.

I was busy with work when he got out of rehab. I called him couple days later to make plans to get together. He was ripped. His sobriety after 9 months of rehab lasted 48 hours or less. I was heartbroken. I cried that night. I was hoping that he would remain sober at least long enough for us to meet and talk.

I have thought about going to AlAnon meetings to find out how to be a good influence while still taking care of myself. But I haven't done it yet.

We went out for an early lunch last week. I met him at the restaurant, and there he was with a beer in front of him at 11am. We talked about rehab, his drinking, the effect it was having on his elderly parents, his relationship with his brother, the mean things he says and all the stupid stuff he does when he is drunk. (We of course talked about other things as well.) I told him that I will no longer hang out with him when he is drinking.

When he ordered a second beer, I commented that that would be the last beer he drinks in front of me, so enjoy it I also told him that when we went out again, if he ordereed a drink, I would leave the restaurant and he would have to walk or get a cab home, so we better stay close to home.

So last night he invited me out to dinner with him and a mutual friend. I said something about drinking, and he cut me off by saying "yeah, I know, no more than two." "Umm...no, not even one," I replied.

I drove separately from the two of them so that I could leave if he ordered a drink. They arrived a few minutes before me and were sitting at the table when I arrived. I greeted them both, slapped him on the back and jokingly said "where are the beers?" He quite proudly said, "on the way!"

I didn't even sit down. I said, you know the deal. I said good night to the two of them and left. I stuck to my guns.

The texts started arriving within 15 minutes. They started innocently enough: Why did you bail? Then the denials: You told me you didn't have a problem with a couple drinks...etc.

By 2:30am the texts devolved into him calling me names and making me out to be the bad guy. Of course I didn't reply to those. But I was fed up. I downloaded a call/text blocker app and blocked his number.

I really don't need this person in my life. I am not his wife, mother, girlfriend, niece or daughter. It doesn't stop me from caring, though.

What I am struggling with is whether talk to him and tell him that I won't be hanging out with him and not to call me? Or do I wait until he shows up on my doorstep, either sober and making an apology, or drunk and being a *****.

Thank you in advance for any suggestions. I would really like to get on with my day, but this is all I can think about right now.



-TheBadGuy

suki44883

This is a person you definitely do not need in your life. If you feel the need, you could text a simple message that you have no desire to associate with him anymore. Then, delete him from your phone, email and any other communication device. If he shows up at your home, do not answer the door. If he starts any trouble, call the police. It's up to you to follow through.

TheBadGuy

Thank you.

I no longer answer the door when he shows up unannounced. If he knocks or rings the doorbell more than twice, I know he's drunk. I do feel silly hiding in my own home sometimes, though.

I sent him a text taking responsibility for me leaving the restaurant abruptly, letting him know I would not longer be subject to his disease, and wished him well.

Thanks again for your advice. I feel a sense of closure now.

-TheBadGuy

LifeRecovery

Al-Anon is for friends and families of people with alcohol and addiction problems.

I think you meet the criteria if you are concerned with that.

I am so grateful I got into those rooms. Welcome and good luck.

wywriter

Wow, it sounds like rehab did him a WORLD of good -- yet more proof that it's completely useless until the A decides that they want to quit. This guy sounds like he'd be great at sucking your life away. Obviously, no one can tell another person what they should do, and I'm certainly not trying to do that -- but I would completely lock out a friend like that. Then again, I've also already learned the long, hard, painful way -- by being married to an alcoholic. I am the granddaughter, daughter, niece, and cousin of alcoholics too, but even my parents' alcoholism never prepared me for what it would be like to shoulder the burden of a non-functioning partner. Seems to me that any friendship with the same handicap would also be a huge burden.

TheBadGuy

Amen.

I wonder about the success rate of court-mandated programs. In his case, it was a jail overcrowding issue that allowed him to do rehab instead of doing time on his SEVENTH offense.

On another note, the guy gets his license back in 3 months. One year suspended for 7th DUI?? There is something wrong with this picture. At least this time he gets a shiny new steering wheel lock - something that should have happened long before #7, IMO.

I really appreciate the support on this website. You all have been through pain the depths of which I hope never to experience. I am grateful you have the courage to share so open and honestly.

-NotFeelingAsMuchLikeTheBadGuy

OnMyWay11

And you are not. Reading through the posts on this site there is a clear commonality of the A making others the bad guy. They cannot blame themselves so they use us. You just tried to help and care for a friend. I cannot see how that could be bad

Spawn

You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.

hopeandbe

" I do feel silly hiding in my own home sometimes, though. "

YoYou would have been a lot sillier if you let him in...

Keep standing your ground! Good for you!

dollydo

Holy Smottollies,to me, this guy is a must miss.

For your well being, please go no contact, there really is no benefit for you to continue this toxic relationship....is there?

Eddiebuckle

You did the right thing - said what you would do if... and did it when if occurred. He clearly can't or won't get it, and on top of that is accustomed to minimal consequences for his actions: not exactly the foundation for healthy relationships. The fact that you have history going back to high school is meaningless, and anyway he's not the same person he was way back when. Time changes everything and not always for the better.

That's the beauty of adulthood - we get to make choices. You get to choose who has a part in your life and this guy doesn't seem like a good candidate. Maybe one day he'll be sober and you can choose differently then, but right now surely you've got better things to do than having a front row seat to the trainwreck he's making his life out to be.

You're not a "bad guy", you're an adult acting like one, which is probably why your actions were so hard for him to understand.

TheBadGuy

Thanks for the comments and advice, everyone.

Hurray! It's been 7 days of no contact. I must admit, I do check the logs on the call blocking app on occasion (hehehe) ...just curious if he's attempted to make an apology yet. No dice.

I am committed to keeping myself off the track of his trainwreck.

-Behaving Like An Adult