Mother of a drug user
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Mother of a drug user
Id like to first say hello since I am a new member here and am so glad I found this place since I have been looking to gain some insight and support, It looks like a wonderful place and am hoping I can learn something that can help me out.
I am the mother of a drug user, it took me about 2 years to realize that my son abuses drugs I am not sure how bad it has gotten since he wont tell me anything when i mention that he has a problem he gets very very angry he wont go to treatment and does not think he has a problem . From what I know he takes xanax which makes him for lack of a bettter word crazy , hes verbally abuse , cant handle everday life, cant work and blames me for everything. At this point in time I cannot even explain at how much anger I have inside myself, at myself at him Im trying to see things clearly to try to get him help but the anger gets in the way. My son is 20 , his drug use started at about 18 first binge drinking and pot and I came to find out that he has tried just about everything out there, but in all this at times I see a glimmer of hope in him at times when he has not been using I see him try but he wont ask for help and he wont admit to whats wrong and bothering him.
I have three other children all beautiful smart just like my son, since the day they were able to understand I spoke to them about drug and alcohol abuse and addiction , what it does to you to the people you love looking back i feel as if I had this impending doom and knew what was to happen and so I tried or thought I tried my best to keep them away , my other children are ok and thank god have chosen not to go down that road it just leaves me to wonder why him??, I myself have been around alcohol abuse growing up and even now I have someone very dear to me that is an alcoholic it just all feels so helpless , I cant help her or my son it seems ,
Im wondering , what do I do from this point???
I am the mother of a drug user, it took me about 2 years to realize that my son abuses drugs I am not sure how bad it has gotten since he wont tell me anything when i mention that he has a problem he gets very very angry he wont go to treatment and does not think he has a problem . From what I know he takes xanax which makes him for lack of a bettter word crazy , hes verbally abuse , cant handle everday life, cant work and blames me for everything. At this point in time I cannot even explain at how much anger I have inside myself, at myself at him Im trying to see things clearly to try to get him help but the anger gets in the way. My son is 20 , his drug use started at about 18 first binge drinking and pot and I came to find out that he has tried just about everything out there, but in all this at times I see a glimmer of hope in him at times when he has not been using I see him try but he wont ask for help and he wont admit to whats wrong and bothering him.
I have three other children all beautiful smart just like my son, since the day they were able to understand I spoke to them about drug and alcohol abuse and addiction , what it does to you to the people you love looking back i feel as if I had this impending doom and knew what was to happen and so I tried or thought I tried my best to keep them away , my other children are ok and thank god have chosen not to go down that road it just leaves me to wonder why him??, I myself have been around alcohol abuse growing up and even now I have someone very dear to me that is an alcoholic it just all feels so helpless , I cant help her or my son it seems ,
Im wondering , what do I do from this point???
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi lonelystar and welcome to SR, dear! 
I am also the mother of an addict, my oldest daughter. Xanax is her current drug of choice too.
Educate yourself on addiction. Here's an excellent thread to start reading:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-abusers.html
Look for local Alanon or Naranon meetings for face to face support for yourself. Alanon tends to be more widely available.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a good starter book.
My daughter is no longer allowed in my home, hasn't been for several years now.
She's a very clever girl and has managed on her own.
I am also a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic and I won't rob my daughter of her path to walk.
She may eventually find recovery...she may not.
Regardless, I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
Please keep posting, and know that we care!
I am also the mother of an addict, my oldest daughter. Xanax is her current drug of choice too.
Educate yourself on addiction. Here's an excellent thread to start reading:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-abusers.html
Look for local Alanon or Naranon meetings for face to face support for yourself. Alanon tends to be more widely available.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a good starter book.
My daughter is no longer allowed in my home, hasn't been for several years now.
She's a very clever girl and has managed on her own.
I am also a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic and I won't rob my daughter of her path to walk.
She may eventually find recovery...she may not.
Regardless, I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
Please keep posting, and know that we care!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Lonelystar,
Welcome, first of all. I am sorry that this is your reality, and your sons. It is so very hard to see them hurting themselves.
You will find awesome support here. Many here going through the same thing you are. What I have learned about being the loved one of someone addicted/alcoholic, is that we cannot change them, make them stop, cure them, etc. It has to be something they want. You can however, help yourself, and that in turn, keeps you from adding fuel to his fire. Nar-anon is for family of narcotic addicted loved ones. it can bring real peace and comfort to join with others going through the same thing, who are dedicated to making life bearable for themselves, and the rest of their family.
There is a lot of good info here, in the sticky posts-or the information- at the top of the page when you come to this forum .
Knowing that you cannot change him can bring you a little relief, in that you can let go of trying to do just the right thing to change him, cause that wont work, it appears from most experience. being that he is 20, he is an adult, and cannot be forced to rehab, unless he is a danger to his self or others.
Hitting bottom, facing consequences of his own choices, seems to be what makes them want to change, if they so desire. if we fix things for them, they can stay in the denial longer.
Others will come along, who are wiser and better able to help you, and i will say that SR has saved my sanity many a time. it is helping me.
sending hugs and wishes for healing for your son.
chicory
Welcome, first of all. I am sorry that this is your reality, and your sons. It is so very hard to see them hurting themselves.
You will find awesome support here. Many here going through the same thing you are. What I have learned about being the loved one of someone addicted/alcoholic, is that we cannot change them, make them stop, cure them, etc. It has to be something they want. You can however, help yourself, and that in turn, keeps you from adding fuel to his fire. Nar-anon is for family of narcotic addicted loved ones. it can bring real peace and comfort to join with others going through the same thing, who are dedicated to making life bearable for themselves, and the rest of their family.
There is a lot of good info here, in the sticky posts-or the information- at the top of the page when you come to this forum .
Knowing that you cannot change him can bring you a little relief, in that you can let go of trying to do just the right thing to change him, cause that wont work, it appears from most experience. being that he is 20, he is an adult, and cannot be forced to rehab, unless he is a danger to his self or others.
Hitting bottom, facing consequences of his own choices, seems to be what makes them want to change, if they so desire. if we fix things for them, they can stay in the denial longer.
Others will come along, who are wiser and better able to help you, and i will say that SR has saved my sanity many a time. it is helping me.
sending hugs and wishes for healing for your son.
chicory
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
lonelystar,
Welcome to SR, my 30 yr old son is a sober addict. I usually read around SR about 5 days out of 7. I used to attend NarAnon and AlAnon, but don't right now so I use SR to keep me "recovery" grounded.
Read and soak up the info, we all have stories and deep down they are all very similar. I too talked to my kids about addiction. Addiction was in both my side of the family and their father's, I thought I could warn them enough not to go near that temptation...
Welcome
Welcome to SR, my 30 yr old son is a sober addict. I usually read around SR about 5 days out of 7. I used to attend NarAnon and AlAnon, but don't right now so I use SR to keep me "recovery" grounded.
Read and soak up the info, we all have stories and deep down they are all very similar. I too talked to my kids about addiction. Addiction was in both my side of the family and their father's, I thought I could warn them enough not to go near that temptation...
Welcome
Last edited by JMFburns; 08-05-2011 at 07:38 AM. Reason: wordsmithing!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2
lonelystar,
I am the mother of an addict as well - my daughter's drug of choice is hydrocodone and DXM. It is very hard on all aspects of your life to deal with and live with an addict. The lies and manipulation are almost intolerable. My daughter does not live with me, but comes to me every time she wants to "get off" the drugs. She gets off them for a couple of weeks, then goes back home and won't stay away from the people she uses with. It breaks my heart but I told her this last time that there were no more "second chances". I am done and if she gets high again, she can do it alone - I will no longer enable her or support her habits. SR has really moved me - I am so glad I found this site. It gave me the courage to tell her that, no matter how much it hurt.
I am the mother of an addict as well - my daughter's drug of choice is hydrocodone and DXM. It is very hard on all aspects of your life to deal with and live with an addict. The lies and manipulation are almost intolerable. My daughter does not live with me, but comes to me every time she wants to "get off" the drugs. She gets off them for a couple of weeks, then goes back home and won't stay away from the people she uses with. It breaks my heart but I told her this last time that there were no more "second chances". I am done and if she gets high again, she can do it alone - I will no longer enable her or support her habits. SR has really moved me - I am so glad I found this site. It gave me the courage to tell her that, no matter how much it hurt.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
(((lonelystar)))
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. Our daughter is an addict. She started with marijuana and progressed to shooting up heroin. After rehab she got sober. I think???that was her third rehab. She now abuses prescription drugs. This has been a long, painful journey for her and our family. Right now, I have limited contact with her. The greatest gift I can give to her is to pray for her and allow her the dignity to walk her own journey.
SR is a life line for me. You will find wisdom and encouragement here.
Hugs.
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. Our daughter is an addict. She started with marijuana and progressed to shooting up heroin. After rehab she got sober. I think???that was her third rehab. She now abuses prescription drugs. This has been a long, painful journey for her and our family. Right now, I have limited contact with her. The greatest gift I can give to her is to pray for her and allow her the dignity to walk her own journey.
SR is a life line for me. You will find wisdom and encouragement here.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Hi lonelystar,
My 23 year old daughter is a recovering IV opiate addict, about 1.5 years or so. I learned everything possible about addiction so I could help her, but she had to be ready to stop in her own time. We both work our own individual recovery programs and it helps bunches! I started working it before she did, when I read "work the program you wish they would" on this forum
My 23 year old daughter is a recovering IV opiate addict, about 1.5 years or so. I learned everything possible about addiction so I could help her, but she had to be ready to stop in her own time. We both work our own individual recovery programs and it helps bunches! I started working it before she did, when I read "work the program you wish they would" on this forum
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Thank you all so very much for all the replies so many people out there hurting its all so very sad I only hope that I find the strength that so many of you have found in dealing with addiction , its a work in progress and alot of praying .....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
just stopped by to vent yet again,
I wish it would stop , the anxiety the not being able to sleep , the having to wonder , I feel guilty that if i could i would run away never to be found again and be happy to not hear from the addict in my life ever again, just to let him be and whatever happens happens......
I wish it would stop , the anxiety the not being able to sleep , the having to wonder , I feel guilty that if i could i would run away never to be found again and be happy to not hear from the addict in my life ever again, just to let him be and whatever happens happens......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
Would running away really make the pain go away? No. You'd carry it with you. You have the strength and power within you to detach from his problems. It takes practice. Like an addict, you'll have good days and bad. You didn't become codependent in one day and you certainly won't become undependent in a day either. Practice, start small and keep plugging along. It's VERY difficult and it causes us physical withdrawls, doesn't it? Panic, anxiety, worry, headaches (at least for me), sleeplessness etc etc... I've found that I have to constantly remind myself that my AH's problems are not mine. I can be married to him and still detach from HIS problems. I am also a mother, so I completely understand the need and desire to protect and help your child in any way. But, your son is an adult. Allow him to make his decisions, deal with the consequences (good or bad) and take responsibility for his life and his actions. Allowing him these things is a GIFT you are giving him. I try to look at it in a positive way. For me, allowing my AH the freedom to be his own person and make his own choices is the best gift I can give him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The South
Posts: 105
I fully understand. I have had the same thoughts as you. When I danced the "addiction dance" with my AD, I was consumed. When I reached my bottom, I refused the play the "tug of war" game anymore. I let go of the rope and walked away. Painful? Yes. Painful still? Yes. It is because I love her so much. But, my focus has/is changing. It truly is "One Day at a Time" for each of us. Today, is a good day. And, I thank God for the serenity He has given to me today.
Prayers going up for you and your family. You are not alone.
Prayers going up for you and your family. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by lonelystar 
I wish it would stop , the anxiety the not being able to sleep , the having to wonder , I feel guilty that if i could i would run away never to be found again and be happy to not hear from the addict in my life ever again, just to let him be and whatever happens happens......
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
just wanted to add my welcome to you. I'm sorry for your circumstances but you have come to a place with a lot of support and wisdom. It's a great group of people that truly understand what you are going through.
I have grown so much during my years here and realize how important it is to take care of me. What brought me here was a relationship with an addict that has now ended. BUT....I realize that this is a great place for me to hang out. The skills that everyone talks about in recovery can be developed by each of us. There is a way to deal with this.....looking forward to getting to know you better.
I have grown so much during my years here and realize how important it is to take care of me. What brought me here was a relationship with an addict that has now ended. BUT....I realize that this is a great place for me to hang out. The skills that everyone talks about in recovery can be developed by each of us. There is a way to deal with this.....looking forward to getting to know you better.
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