Just4me

For those who don't know, I've been with my alcoholic fiance for a little over 3 years. We've played the alcohol game, the sober game, the rehab game, and we've ended up in the same place. Me alone on the couch, him passed out upstairs...drunk. (For all you recovering alcoholics I don't mean to offend or trivialize the struggle, but this my story and perception of OUR situation).

I've known for a few months where this was headed, that I couldn't cope anymore. Okay, I'm coping, but I can't LIVE like this anymore. I've leased an apartment, a small two bedroom with a fenced yard that will take me and my dog. I did this a few weeks ago. Since then I've been moving things over slowly. Part of me was trying to do as much as I could by myself (packing, sorting, moving, unpacking, it all takes time, especially when you live in a large home and are moving to a smaller place). However, part of me was waiting to see what would happen and if I should stay. I know, I KNOW....but my stupid heart and feelings keep getting in the way of my head!!

So, I expressed my feelings to my A and he of course doesn't want me to leave. And why should he?? When I go he will have to clean the house, go to the grocery store, prepare meals, pay the bills. I told him if he could promise me sobriety I would stay (and yes I know he can't promise that). He said all he can do is try. I asked him what I'm suppose to do the next time he gets drunk. His response (and I kid you not), "If you find bottles you should pour them out like you do now. You should make sure I take my antabuse every day. You should be understanding that this is a disease. Would you be leaving me if I had cancer?" I was literally rolling my eyes in my mind. My response, "If you kept going to the store and buying cancer then yes I would leave then too".

He doesn't want a girlfriend, a fiance, a wife...he wants a babysitter! Make sure he takes his pills and pour out any alcohol I find. Really?? REALLY?? Because I don't have enought to do running our house and working full time, I should be his full time mother too?

So anyways, all that drama aside, I've slowly been moving things over. I've been watching him, knowing his actions will tell me if he's serious about trying to get sober (as he says he wants). He and I pray before meals, asking for strength. This week my HP stepped in to show me what I need to do...

Mind you it is Wednesday and my A can't drink on Mondays due to a DUI class he takes in the evening. That leaves 3 days available for drinking this week. On Sunday I poured out 2 bottles of alcohol before he could drink it. Monday can't drink and he's too tired to stay up and drink. But I did pour out a bottle of rum that he had purchased 10min after leaving his DUI class. Again, he hadn't drank it yet. Tuesday I work all day and I'm gone 14 hours. I don't have the energy to go "searching". I suspect he's been drinking, but his eyes aren't as glassy. I just eat and go to bed. Today he's passed out by 1pm. A nearly empty bottle of Jack Daniels "hidden" under a sweatshirt 1 foot away from where he's "sleeping" in his chair.

This is my life if I stay. He might get sober, who knows. But in the meantime (which could be years or forever) I'm going to be searching for alcohol, pouring it out, marking bottles, driving myself crazy. I can't help it. I always have alcohol on the brain. If I think he's been drinking I can't stop until I find the bottle. I have no peace of mind, I'm always on alert, always on edge. I dread coming home.

So, onto the title. It's 9 days and counting. Nine short days until I am 100% out of this house! He is going out of town and while he's gone I will get the big stuff (my bed, dresser, bookcase, etc). I can't wait to have NO alcohol in my home, to know what i'm coming home to, to be able to relax! I know he's probably going to go on some big alcohol bender, but that's not my responsiblity and I can't let that influence my decision.

I won't be completely free then, but it's a start. He has a car and motorcycle that have me on as the co-signer because he couldn't get the loan without my credit score. Stupid on my part, but it's easy to look back at say that! The next step will be removing myself from those (any suggestions on how to do this would be greatly appreciated).

So I've come a long way. From terrified to leave, to fed up, to seeing reality. Now I can say I want to go and I'm looking forward to it Thanks all for reading this long post, as it's only a small piece of everything I could have said.

lillamy

You sound sad, but determined, and that's better than sad with no outlook for anything better.

I also ponder how we as friends and family of As tend to consider what their reactions are going to be to anything we do (or fail to do). I've been divorced for over a year and I still not just consider but often fear my AXH's reactions. I must read every text message and every e-mail I send him 100 times, looking for things that might "set him off."

It's a hard mindset to get out of, but let me tell you this: Just like hunting for and pouring out bottles, it's something that is a whole lot easier to unlearn when you don't have to be exposed to it every day. He's expecting you to be his babysitter because you've taught him that he can expect that. Just like my AXH has learned to expect me to tiptoe around him because I've taught him that he can expect that from me.

As far as the co-signing situation, I would say get thyself lawyered up asap. Find out how you can get your names off those, and establish that as of 9 days from now, you are separated, have separate economies, etc.

And YAY YOU! for taking this very difficult step.

Just4me

Thanks for the encouragment Lillamy. I am sad, but hopeful for the future. Luckily for me we never combined our money (due to a previous relationship where that didn't work out so good). I guess that's my saving grace. I've been saving money while he drinks it away. We divide household bills equally and each pay for our own car/insurance.

The cars will be the hardest part. I'm hoping that there will be an easy way for me to get off the paperwork. He's fairly reasonable (sober) and I'm sure he will just want to close this and move on. If not I will look into a lawyer.

Thanks!!

Spawn

Just4me.....glad to hear your getting out of that situation. Sounds to me like it's been a long journey for you....your better off without him. As a recovering alcoholic I can say that no one got me sober.....I had to want it first. Sounds to me like he doesn't want it yet. Even if he did stop drinking I would wait a year or two before getting close to him again.
I had 9 years of sobriety before getting married. Getting sober and staying sober isn't easy it take a lot of work...but if you want it bad enough it is possible. If you haven't yet... I would recommend reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous it might give some insight on the disease.

Hopeworks

Just4me, kudos for taking action to protect yourself from an obviously dead end situation that will drain you of your energy, peace and happiness if you do not extricate yourself now. Your fiance has continued to drink because he can... after all you have been there with the parachute to make sure things do not fall completely apart even if he gets trashed on alcohol 4 days of out of 7!

Pull the cord...eject! eject! eject! You will be glad you did because one of two things will happen for him... he will actually ponder his future and MAYBE make a smart decision and start working towards a rational and sensible plan of sobriety or recovery or he will continue to careen around on the alcoholic crazy train looking for new (unless you volunteer to remain his current hostage and sign up for more misery) hostages to help him drink "successfully".

Enough about him... turn him over to his HP and work on your own recovery and lets think about protecting your future. Co-signing for alcoholics to drive around in lethal weapons are not the wisest course of action and you do have some serious liability issues as well as the financial commitment. The lenders are not going to just let you "off" the notes and he will need to refinance, payoff or get a new co-signer on a new note. I assume he has bad credit as most alcoholics do and that is how you got suckered into co-signing. You may need to take this to court if he refuses or is unable to get you released from the liens. YOu can get a court order to sell the collateral pay off the debt owed from proceeds ... if you are underwater and the sale doesn't realize enough cash you will have to pay the difference.

Did he lose his drivers license from the DUI or did he just get a blow machine? Will he be using the vehicles when he is out of town? If not and the car and motorcycle are in the garage while he is out of town I would stash them somewhere to insure that he doesn't drive drunk and injure someone on your potential liability.

Consult an attorney immediately regarding this situation and your own state laws and how best to force a liquidation of joint owned assets. Hopefully he will agree to amicably settle this and court action won't become a necessity but do not allow an active A to drive around on something you have an ownership interest in!

I will give you a positive note to close my post with... my ex A is doing great after I chunked him to the curb IMMEDIATELY when he relapsed after almost a year sober... I didn't plead, beg, whine, cajole, cry, yell, scream or make threats as I had done in previous relapses. I was driving and just headed to the detox tank and he was refusing to go (this was our "relapse plan") and he was opening his door and theatening to jump at 55 mph and I just looked at him and said "jump if you want". He wasn't really drunk enough to be quite that stupid yet but he certainly didn't want to get sober and sure wanted to ditch me at that point..lol.

Long...and I mean long story short... he quacked that "he wasn't drinking" and to take him to his mother's and so I did. While he was secretly draining his mother's bar dry I was diligently packing his belongings and had them in storage in a record 3 hours! He didn't even know he was packed up and out for 4 days when he finally sobered enough to ask if he could come home!

Amazingly he actually pulled himself out of his alcoholic idiocy and got back into his program and on the surface he is all sweetness and light. He is saying all the right things to all of our friends (of course he knows they will tell me) but I have had enough of the life where you just NEVER really know when they will take the next drink ... frankly I just don't love the guy enough to go through any more of that hellish nightmare.

I am really glad he is sober because he has two beautiful little girls that I adore and will miss and I will have been a big part of his finding his way to sobriety ... I will never regret that part of our life together... but I have permanently gotten off of the alcoholic crazy train and you can too... the station is just up ahead!

So you go girl...it gets bettter I promise! And know this... you can tell that crazy part of your brain and your hormones that they can watch your A and if turns into that amazing Prince Charming that you THOUGHT he was you could always unwind things and go back (trick your brain chemicals and hormones with this completely irrational and hopelessly unlikely idea).

Keep us posted and pm me if you want ... I will be there for you as I know it is HARD to break away from the craziness!

Seren

(((Just4me))) I can only offer hugs as you work your way through to a situation of peace for yourself.

I don't mean to trivialize the seriousness of addiction either.....but :rotfxko

That response is probably one of the best one's I have read to the quacking and lack and responsibility from an active A I've read in a long time!

Hugs and prayers for you and for your AH.

HG

gowest

Good luck to you!!

Please consult a lawyer now. Seriously. It might be very beneficial to you to know the law BEFORE you have a conversation with him about the cars and motorcycle.

Symmetry

What you are doing takes a lot of courage. Your post made my day. I have a girlfriend in a similar situation but they have kids. She's tried to leave but found the burden of his alcoholism to be less of a burden than leaving.

Please keep us posted and I hope you find your peace.

marie1960

Way to go Just4Me, you are going to love your new life. It may seem overwhelming now, and a little scary too, but just imagine coming home from work without all the drama and bullsh*t that living with an active alcoholic brings. Hope others will be moved by your courage and strength.

Definitely talk to a lawyer regarding the outstanding loans. I did not have a positive experience with that matter. The court may hold you harmless, but the bank will not. In order to get my name off the loan he had to refinance, and he didn't qualify for the loan on his own, what a nightmare that was.

Again congrats on the beginning of your new wonderful life...................

OnMyWay11

Been there, done that. I am still trying to figure out what to do with the truck I am stuck with since he cannot get a loan. The bank was not any help.

Just4me

Thanks for all the well wishes and good advice. When I helped him finance the car we were in a different place and he had been sober over 6mo. He makes good money and brings home slightly more than I do. He makes the payments every month, and has now for over a year. The one thing he loves is his cars, so he will do pretty much anything to keep them. His house is paid for in full, so he doesn't really have to worry.

He co-owns a family business. The family is aware of his addiction. They will never take away his paycheck from him as long as the business is active. Even as it is, his base salary is more than I make. I work full time, he heads into work maybe 20hrs a week, on a good week. The paycheck doesn't stop, even when he "calls in sick" and they know he's home drinking.

I don't think he would go out of his way to "screw me over". He wouldn't stop payment just to mess up my credit score, because it would mess up his too. Plus then the car would be taken away and he wouldn't want that. He qualified for the loan, but with me he got a lower interest rate. I think I will call the banks at least to see what my options are, how much he owes exactly, and if they would even refinance without me. I know they won't just "take me off".

As far as the drinking and driving, since the DUI I am thankful to say that he at least learned SOME lesson. He no longer drinks and drives. All drinking is done at home (lucky me), and once he's out of alcohol he's out until he sobers up the next day. He does NOT want to go back to jail. He has a restricted license until his DUI classes are over. And his primary vehicle is ONLY in his name...the motorcycle currently doesn't work and the car in both our names is driven maybe once a month.

So, thanks for the advice. I'll look into my options next week and maybe make some phone calls. There is an option out there....I just have to find it!!

wellnowwhat

Please do follow up re the cars in both names. I've read a lot of stuff here that begins with "I never thought he would....."

MyBetterWorld

The problem with having the cars in both names is the liability. If he drinks, drives and kills someone, and your name is on that title, you my dear, can be held liable and be SUED! Tread carefully there!
M
(insurance lady extraordinairre )