Alcoholic With Alcoholic Parent - Dealing With Shame in Recovery
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 100
Alcoholic With Alcoholic Parent - Dealing With Shame in Recovery
I'm a member of AA and having a discussion in AA board about Step 9, making amends to ourselves and the concept of loving ourselves in the process. Also the thorny issue of making amends to the adult who subjected you to physical and emotional abuse.
After having had a spirtual awakening after doing Step 9 i spent time with my dad last year and i realised how i have changed but he is still really hard work and stil has ability to terrify me, in person or since via emails. We do not see each other at all, he lives far away from me but over emails and occasional calls he is extremely manipulative, threatening. I made the mistake of wanting to bring up an issue of another family member who needs our emotional support and after hearing no replies, i finally heard back from him after asking if everything was ok, and it unleashed a torrent of attacks on me and the old chestnut that my mum who he mistreated has planted ideas in our heads. Bless he is mentallly not very well but after making such head way (or did we really), it saddens me and i feel my step 9 and my vulnerability has been used against me. He knows i am in recovery. I know i should be doing step 10s everytime these issues come up and i go through waves of flahsbacks over my anger to him, stirred by our last exchanges and wanting to tell him that my mum was defenceless against him. Anyway when i feel love some of this goes, but i know having the last word on arguments is not great, but well i have always been denied a voice on this.
Also came accross this regarding Shame. Would love to hear from members of AA who also have an alcoholic/dysfunctional parent and their difficult experiences beyond Step 9.
This is Taken from Melody Beattie's, Language of Letting Go
Shame can be a powerful force in our life. It is the trademark of dysfunctional families.
Authentic, legitimate guilt is the feeling or thought that what we did is not okay. It indicates that our behavior needs to be corrected or altered, or an amend needs to be made.
Shame is an overwhelming negative sense that who we are isn't okay. Shame is a no-win situation. We can change our behaviors, but we can't change who we are. Shame can propel us deeper into self-defeating and sometimes self-destructive behaviors.
What are the things that can cause us to feel shame? We may feel ashamed when we have a problem or someone we love has a problem. We may feel ashamed for making mistakes or for succeeding. We may feel ashamed about certain feelings or thoughts. We may feel ashamed when we have fun, feel good, or are vulnerable enough to show ourselves to others. Some of us feel ashamed just for being.
Shame is a spell others put on us to control us, to keep us playing our part in dysfunctional systems. It is a spell many of us have learned to put on ourselves.
Learning to reject shame can change the quality of our life. It's okay to be who we are. We are good enough. Our feelings are okay. Our past is okay. It's okay to have problems, make mistakes, and struggle to find our path. It's okay to be human and cherish our humanness.
Accepting ourselves is the first step toward recovery. Letting go of shame about who we are is the next important step.
Today, I will watch for signs that I have fallen into shame's trap. If I get hooked into shame, I will get myself out by accepting myself and affirming that it's okay to be who I am.
After having had a spirtual awakening after doing Step 9 i spent time with my dad last year and i realised how i have changed but he is still really hard work and stil has ability to terrify me, in person or since via emails. We do not see each other at all, he lives far away from me but over emails and occasional calls he is extremely manipulative, threatening. I made the mistake of wanting to bring up an issue of another family member who needs our emotional support and after hearing no replies, i finally heard back from him after asking if everything was ok, and it unleashed a torrent of attacks on me and the old chestnut that my mum who he mistreated has planted ideas in our heads. Bless he is mentallly not very well but after making such head way (or did we really), it saddens me and i feel my step 9 and my vulnerability has been used against me. He knows i am in recovery. I know i should be doing step 10s everytime these issues come up and i go through waves of flahsbacks over my anger to him, stirred by our last exchanges and wanting to tell him that my mum was defenceless against him. Anyway when i feel love some of this goes, but i know having the last word on arguments is not great, but well i have always been denied a voice on this.
Also came accross this regarding Shame. Would love to hear from members of AA who also have an alcoholic/dysfunctional parent and their difficult experiences beyond Step 9.
This is Taken from Melody Beattie's, Language of Letting Go
Shame can be a powerful force in our life. It is the trademark of dysfunctional families.
Authentic, legitimate guilt is the feeling or thought that what we did is not okay. It indicates that our behavior needs to be corrected or altered, or an amend needs to be made.
Shame is an overwhelming negative sense that who we are isn't okay. Shame is a no-win situation. We can change our behaviors, but we can't change who we are. Shame can propel us deeper into self-defeating and sometimes self-destructive behaviors.
What are the things that can cause us to feel shame? We may feel ashamed when we have a problem or someone we love has a problem. We may feel ashamed for making mistakes or for succeeding. We may feel ashamed about certain feelings or thoughts. We may feel ashamed when we have fun, feel good, or are vulnerable enough to show ourselves to others. Some of us feel ashamed just for being.
Shame is a spell others put on us to control us, to keep us playing our part in dysfunctional systems. It is a spell many of us have learned to put on ourselves.
Learning to reject shame can change the quality of our life. It's okay to be who we are. We are good enough. Our feelings are okay. Our past is okay. It's okay to have problems, make mistakes, and struggle to find our path. It's okay to be human and cherish our humanness.
Accepting ourselves is the first step toward recovery. Letting go of shame about who we are is the next important step.
Today, I will watch for signs that I have fallen into shame's trap. If I get hooked into shame, I will get myself out by accepting myself and affirming that it's okay to be who I am.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 166
Thank you or sharing. I too am in AA with an alcoholic parent I have a huge resentment towards. I am still early in recovery and having to move back in with her and am afraid it is going to jeopardize my emotional recovery at the least. She gets very abusively violent an is constantly throwing the past in my face. She refuses to accept the changes I have made and my lack of reaction as opposed to those in the past just pisses her off even more. Sorry, I felt the need to vent about this as she's screaming about me in the background as I type this.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Thank you for posting.
Although I am not an alcoholic, I was raised (?) by two.
My shame was experienced as a child, as an adult I just tell the truth. I have been amazed how many others have walked in my shoes and were still trying to hide the truth.
Shame is still holding them hostage.
As many others, I am a work in progress.
Although I am not an alcoholic, I was raised (?) by two.
My shame was experienced as a child, as an adult I just tell the truth. I have been amazed how many others have walked in my shoes and were still trying to hide the truth.
Shame is still holding them hostage.
As many others, I am a work in progress.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London, England
Posts: 100
Thank you very kind posts. I go through waves of feeling empowered and then with no voice. I am questioning whether being on these forums is healthy for me as well.
But yes for me the biggest thing in recovery was finding my voice and continue to exercise it without fear of being hurt as an adult and know that I have a right to be safe, along with keeping that inner child happy.
But yes for me the biggest thing in recovery was finding my voice and continue to exercise it without fear of being hurt as an adult and know that I have a right to be safe, along with keeping that inner child happy.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I go through waves of feeling empowered and then with no voice.
So you know you're healing because it itches (you feel empowered), but you're not really healed yet because it still hurts (no voice). This means that you are on the right path - nothing heals overnight, unless you live in Harry Potter World. Alas, we don't.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there LondonAA, and pleased to "meet" you 
Very well said, and congratulations on stating the problems so succintly.
I had an abusive, alcoholic father. My mother suffered greatly, and although she drank just like he did that does not excuse his behavior. When it came time for to do my own 9th step I stumbled on the same "thorny issues" you mention. What helped me is to look at the entirety of step 9 and understand it's _purpose_.
Ammends is a short word for repairing the damage that I have caused in the world, but that repair job is tempered by the phrase "except when to do so would injure them, or others." That means that the repairs cannot be a simple paint-over designed to make _me_ feel better. They have to be a carefully thought out plan designed to make the world a better place in a way that does justice to the harm I caused, and in the process not cause harm to _anybody_. Not even me.
My mother was an alcoholic, and I did some harm to her as a son. However, there was nothing I could do while she continued to drink as she lived in her own world of alcoholic fantasy. Instead I have pursued other ways of making things right. I have adopted my ex-wifes step mother as if she were my mother and done for her what my own parent would never allow. She had no children of her own and has welcomed me as her son. We're a good fit for each other. I have volunteered with local shelters, donated what I could, and reach out to elderly people whenever I can.
When my father passed away I was left with the task of settling his estate, and discovered that he had a second wife and family all the years that he was married to my mother. My biological mother was since dead, and his second wife was close to destitute after supporting my old man for some 20 years. In settling the estate I covered all the bills, called her every day to help her thru the funeral ( she still loved the lush, in spite of it all ) and then did all the paperwork so she could keep everything. Oh, and I still donate to the Salvation Army on a regular basis, as they do a lot of good work with drunks.
My parents were never sober enough to accept any kinds of ammends, but there are plenty other people who can. In this way I avoid causing myself harm, and my efforts are not wasted.
Eventually I was able to let go of the deep anger I felt towards my parents. I was able to release them from the responsibility of being my parants as it was foolish of me to expect those two to be responsible for anything. Much like a bank releases a loan when it's more expensive to chase down a loser than to just walk away and get on with life. Today I feel sorry for them. They had such a miserable life and missed out on so much.
Like you quoted from Melody Beattie, I let go of the shame they used to manipulate me, I let go of the foolish expectations I had of them, and of me, and I accepted them as they were, instead of trying to force them into becoming the parents I _wished_ I had. Step 9, along with the rest of the program, helped me understand what I needed to do.
It sounds to me like you are well on your way to finding your own understanding of what you need to do in your life to reach that "serenity". I'm glad you decided to share here and give us all perspective on our own recovery.
Welcome to ACoA and this little corner of SR.
Mike
Originally Posted by LondonAA 
I'm a member of AA and having a discussion in AA board about Step 9, making amends to ourselves and the concept of loving ourselves in the process. Also the thorny issue of making amends to the adult who subjected you to physical and emotional abuse....
I had an abusive, alcoholic father. My mother suffered greatly, and although she drank just like he did that does not excuse his behavior. When it came time for to do my own 9th step I stumbled on the same "thorny issues" you mention. What helped me is to look at the entirety of step 9 and understand it's _purpose_.
Ammends is a short word for repairing the damage that I have caused in the world, but that repair job is tempered by the phrase "except when to do so would injure them, or others." That means that the repairs cannot be a simple paint-over designed to make _me_ feel better. They have to be a carefully thought out plan designed to make the world a better place in a way that does justice to the harm I caused, and in the process not cause harm to _anybody_. Not even me.
My mother was an alcoholic, and I did some harm to her as a son. However, there was nothing I could do while she continued to drink as she lived in her own world of alcoholic fantasy. Instead I have pursued other ways of making things right. I have adopted my ex-wifes step mother as if she were my mother and done for her what my own parent would never allow. She had no children of her own and has welcomed me as her son. We're a good fit for each other. I have volunteered with local shelters, donated what I could, and reach out to elderly people whenever I can.
When my father passed away I was left with the task of settling his estate, and discovered that he had a second wife and family all the years that he was married to my mother. My biological mother was since dead, and his second wife was close to destitute after supporting my old man for some 20 years. In settling the estate I covered all the bills, called her every day to help her thru the funeral ( she still loved the lush, in spite of it all ) and then did all the paperwork so she could keep everything. Oh, and I still donate to the Salvation Army on a regular basis, as they do a lot of good work with drunks.
My parents were never sober enough to accept any kinds of ammends, but there are plenty other people who can. In this way I avoid causing myself harm, and my efforts are not wasted.
Eventually I was able to let go of the deep anger I felt towards my parents. I was able to release them from the responsibility of being my parants as it was foolish of me to expect those two to be responsible for anything. Much like a bank releases a loan when it's more expensive to chase down a loser than to just walk away and get on with life. Today I feel sorry for them. They had such a miserable life and missed out on so much.
Like you quoted from Melody Beattie, I let go of the shame they used to manipulate me, I let go of the foolish expectations I had of them, and of me, and I accepted them as they were, instead of trying to force them into becoming the parents I _wished_ I had. Step 9, along with the rest of the program, helped me understand what I needed to do.
It sounds to me like you are well on your way to finding your own understanding of what you need to do in your life to reach that "serenity". I'm glad you decided to share here and give us all perspective on our own recovery.
Welcome to ACoA and this little corner of SR.
Mike
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