LifeRecovery

Though my spouse got me into the doors of Al-Anon and starting this part of my recovery journey the last year and a half has been really eye opening for me.

I believe that though I did not live with active addiction growing up it has permeated my family on both sides. I know my mom grew up with active alcoholism and I am starting to think my dad did too.

I have many family member in active addiction. I am on the younger end of my family tree (both sides).

That was just for the background, here is what I am really upset about.

Last week I lost a cousin to suicide. He struggled with alcohol and took his own life. As a result I am talking to a lot of family members right now.

So many of them are in denial about the ravages of addiction that we as a family are living in, or in denial about their own addiction. I am really angry about this right now. The ironic part is that I don't have a lot of compassion about it. I am just angry, frustrated, and feel like beating my head against the wall. I decided to not go home because I think I would be inappropriate and my stomach was churning at even the thought of it (which is unusual), I love my home.

On the other hand their reactions/opinions are not different than mine just a little over a year ago. I have compassion for me and my growth, why am I not extending it?

I am not as afraid of the anger. I don't usually stay in that place too long. I am afraid of if I am going to be able to have a relationship with my family as my recovery continues. I don't want that to be holding me back, but I am not going to lie it is a concern. All of my relationships are changing right now (friends, family, coworkers). Everything is upside down and I know it is because I am changing. I get the old stuff is not working, but I have not quite figured out what of the new stuff will.

I hope this does not come across as holier than thou. That was not my intent, though it kind of feels that way as I write it. I just feel lost and alone with my bandaid of denial off. I don't necessarily want to go back, but in some ways it was safer there; at least it was known.

Thanks for reading my novel. I appreciate being heard/read.

Freedom1990

This is where I was at for years. My father is an untreated ACOA, and my mother is a severe codependent. My brother is a recovering addict, but also a severe codependent. I am the only one in recovery in both addictions and codependency.

Once I got into recovery, my parents lost their "job" as enablers, so when my AD spiraled into her addictions, they took the job back and enabled her, and still do to some extent.

I eventually came to a point of acceptance, realizing I don't have to like it in order to accept it.

I also set boundaries, including spending limited time with my folks. There are times I have had to go no contact when they are in toxic mode.

Things are no longer the same now that my blinders are off, and change was inevitable.

I hope this helps in some small way.

Sending you hugs of support!

ariadne

I'm sorry for your loss, this must be an especially difficult time for you all.

All people change. Often not in the same direction as those around them, and that can be very uncomfortable as we renegotiate how our relationships are going to accomodate those changes (and indeed if they can).

I don't think it's neccesarily all about developing compassion for other people's struggles. Or for me, it's not anyway. For me, as I changed from the dynamic I was used to with my family, it was about accepting that for some people, to a greater or lesser degree, the codependent/alcoholic drama/dance works. Some people do appear to thrive on that, and it is not my business to judge that as unhealthy or less recovered or further behind on the path, or less grown etc.

All I can say is that for me, it doesn't work anymore. It leaves me exhausted and ill. Just like for some people the set-up where 1 partner does all the finances and the other is the only one who knows how to cook; wouldn't work for me, doesn't mean it's wrong, and doesn't mean it's my responsibility to "show them the light".

I have found that as I changed how I was reacting and tried to stop anticipating/deciphering what others would do/say/think/feel in response, I was surprised that some of the behaviour/feelings weren't what I previously had experienced. It seems that in part, even when I was heartily sick of it, I was involved in perpetuating the behaviour that I didn't feel good around, and without me involved, anticipating the fall-out, people were free to do other things, that perhaps felt more true to what worked for them.

Sometimes, those things were more along the lines of thinking that I was changing to, and sometimes less. I was surprised that the patterns I had been used to growing up (and that we all seemed to default to when together) weren't actually how some of my family/old friends acted day-to-day anymore, unbeknownst to me, they had been changing. It was when we were all together that these old behaviours and thought patterns kicked in. For some, my behaviour, still anticipating their old ways of working, was the "toxic" catalyst that they reacted to with the very behaviour that I was trying to avoid.

Of course for others it wasn't, they were just being themselves, doing things that I am uncomfortable around, and in that situation, it's up to me to back off to a comfortable distance.

I can limit my interactions with them to those that I can handle, or find positive, just as I do with friends and work colleagues and anyone else.

Sounds like you did just that when you made the decision not to go home in the midst, great decision! doesn't mean that other times you won't be able to go home and have a great time.

We tailor the relationship to the things we mutually find positive, and find other means to fulfil the needs outside of that. My brother is loving, and funny, and bright, he is compassionate and friendly, a go-to person in an emergency, he would move heaven and earth to help, but he's not a regular keep in touch person and if I ever lend him money it won't come back. So I don't lend him money, if I can afford it and won't resent it I give him money, and I don't expect him to ring every week, says nothing about how much he loves me. You can't predict what will happen as you change, so although it's natural to worry, I find i waste a lot of time worrying about things that don't happen, or things that do, but that the worry doesn't help prepare me for it, just ruins my "now".

FWIW, (personal opinion) I get uncomfortable about describing people or actions as un/less healthy or un/less recovered as if there is "ONE TRUE WAY", and I'm further on that path than others. My way of thinking now is no more universally right or better or more healthy than it was before, it is just better for me.

LifeRecovery

FWIW, (personal opinion) I get uncomfortable about describing people or actions as un/less healthy or un/less recovered as if there is "ONE TRUE WAY", and I'm further on that path than others. My way of thinking now is no more universally right or better or more healthy than it was before, it is just better for me.

Can you elaborate on this section. I followed you on the rest of it, but I am not sure if you read this into my post, were commenting in general etc. I am okay with either or something completely different I am just trying to understand.

Thanks