HopeAwaits

My Daughter, 7, and I have started our counseling and I feel the clarity coming.Just feeling like i am and will continue to move forward years after I divorced SXAH. Yet, he remains the same angry person. But it made me look at his recovery. I had always thought if only he would stop using. The good person in there would come back out! He went through a rehab years back, 4th attempt i think it was and it was working. he has been sober since, about 3 years. Lives in a semi sober living, goes to meeting etc. Yet, I realized he never really recovered..... He still blames me for his unhappiness or what ever is bugging him at the moment. Has anyone else seen this? I had read about "Dry drunk" But realizedd he truly is, plus the brain being messed up from years of meth!

On a positive My daughter was leary about counseling but loved it. Can not wait to go again, to have her friend she can share with who will keep what she shares a secret, unless it will hurt her. Thats how i explained it. The power of support!

Kindeyes

This is part of the sickness of addiction. Heck, it's part of the sickness of life for someone who isn't even an A.

I divorced my ex 28 yeas ago (due to drugs & alcohol and associated behaviors). He STILL blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong with his life. He carries his resentments like some kind of armor. His sister calls them "unresolved issues"......sugar coat it any way you like......it's resentment and anger. 28 years!

I went about 12 years zero contact with exh but his sister contacted me and orchestrated a "reconnection" between us for "the sake of our addicted son". This was short lived because it soon became about my exh. The last contact with him I had was regarding our addicted son a few months ago via text. I have little contact with my AS at this point, not because I don't love him but because his behavior is so erratic that I can only take it in limited doses. My ex has used drugs with our son for years--probably since he was about 15 or so. In the last (and final) contact with my ex he said via text "At least I HAVE a relationship with S (our son), so there,,,, I WIN!"

I couldn't believe it. I didn't respond. I changed my cell phone number. Our son is addicted to meth. ExH does drugs with him. SO HE WINS? I thought that was pretty sick and pretty sad. But you know what, my thought was....well, if using drugs with my son is what I have to do to "win"....I'm ok being the loser.

My point with this story is that if they don't get better, they don't get better. Even after almost three decades. Don't be surprised if those resentments stay with STBXH and become an ingrained part of his person. Enablers will call it "unresolved issues", but it's just another symptom of the disease.

I'm glad that your daughter is getting help. You're such a good Momma. Don't forget to take care of you too!

gentle hugs
ke

Hanna

What a sad way for him to look at life. When someone believes their problems are all caused by forces and people other than themselves, they are just going to be miserable. I'm not so sure it's primarily caused by addiction, I actually think it's a likely cause OF addiction.
I've definitely seen it in people that don't use at all.

Hugs and prayers to you. Glad your daughter is enjoying the counseling.

Sunshine2

Kindeyes, it is so sad that his dad would rather WIN than care about what is best for his son. My ex still blames me for everything after being divorced for 26 years. It is my fault that our son is an addict, it is my fault that neither of our boys want to have anything to do with him. It is my fault that he is poor and so on and so on.

Luckily after all these years his words go right through me, there is nowhere in me for them to stick and hurt anymore.

I sometimes wonder if it is this ability to blame everything on everyone else that causes addiction or if it is the result of addiction. I can see why true recovery is only when you start taking responsibility for your own actions.

HopeAwaits

That seemed to be my thoughts. is it the disease or just a personality flaw...... Since most of our addicts have the same issues, I lean towards part, result or cause of addiction. for non addicts, just sad.
I am saddened that so many others go through this.

Kindeyes, I am so sorry that he tries to make his life seem better by saying he wins. Everyone is loosing there and I am glad you are healthy enough to not take his words to heart. Sis, I hace gotten better at not letting the words hurt. I know through my marriage I would think if he just hit me I would leave. But the emotional scares where so deep i never noticed!

loveforhorses

I think it is a personality flaw. My aunt has never been addicted to anything nor has she ever even tried anything and she is that way and has been my whole life. Everything wrong in her life s someone elses fault and she doesn't see or aknowledge her role in anything. She is a difficult and miserable person to be around for any period of time. Howeve she is quick to point out others flaws and what they are doing wrong and what they should do about it. Even when she doesn't kno the whole story or there is nothing the other person is doing wrong and that its just her opinion that they are doing something wrong and not reality.

Freedom1990

There are plenty of people who blame others for everything and aren't addicts.

On the subject of sobriety, I consider sobriety to encompass my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Otherwise I am just dry which is a miserable way to live.

It is sad to see people with such an attitude towards life. They are incapable of any true happiness.