Once You'd Decided to Leave
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Once You'd Decided to Leave
How did you tell your spouse? I am ready to end the marriage, even though he says he'll quit drinking (and has gone 4 days) because I just really can't honestly put any energy into the marriage. NOTE: he is not going to AA, counselling, or non-12 step program and he has not admitted he has a problem. I just can't trust him anymore, but am afraid to have the conversation.
Any ESH?
Any ESH?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
I told him I had enough and he has told me too many times that he will stop. I told him it is the cycle of stopping and starting that finally made me decide I was done. Unfotunately, he is still trying to get me to change my mind and it is NOT HAPPENING! I am done. I just have to sell this house to finalize it all.
Good Luck and you will find peace even though it is so hard.
Good Luck and you will find peace even though it is so hard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Hi returntonormal, I understand what you are going through. It took me almost 4 years to come to terms with getting a divorce. My husband like yours is not doing AA, counselling, or the twelve steps but has your husband been in detox or rehab? So many people have tried to help my AH but he's decided this is the way he wants to go so I decided to regain my life again so I went to a lawyer first and then told him about the divorce. I had threatened so many times in the past he didn't believe I was going to do it until he got served the papers. We still live together because he won't move out but once the divorce is final he will be asked to go. The man I married is no longer here and I have grieved over him for a number of years and it was time to end whatever this is called that we're living in. You will know when you are ready to talk to him, just take it slow there's no rush.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
After her last binge (6 days of almost constant black out) I moved into the spare bedroom. When she was sober I told her I was moving out. I said that I can't take this anymore it is killing me. My daughters were both furious with her and told her until she got better she couldn't see the grand children. She started an outpatient program. I told her from my perspective it didn't matter what she did I was leaving. This was the last binge I was going to be part of. I found myself an apartment and move out.
Total time from the end of the binge to me leaving was 3 weeks.
I have since told her that this was going to end in a divorce. I would give her a chance to finish her out patient rehab and find a job. My goal wasn't to punish her but to save me.
BTW, we had been married for over 35 years and she was an active alcoholic the last 15 of them.
Total time from the end of the binge to me leaving was 3 weeks.
I have since told her that this was going to end in a divorce. I would give her a chance to finish her out patient rehab and find a job. My goal wasn't to punish her but to save me.
BTW, we had been married for over 35 years and she was an active alcoholic the last 15 of them.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I would sit down with him (when sober) and clearly explain what you are doing and why.
However, before I do that, I would consult an attorney and find out what my legal rights are, then I would formulate a plan and be prepared to follow through on my plan.
I would also gather together tax returns, loan documentation and any other pertinant legal documents.
Bottom line is, do your homework first, then decide on a plan of action.
However, before I do that, I would consult an attorney and find out what my legal rights are, then I would formulate a plan and be prepared to follow through on my plan.
I would also gather together tax returns, loan documentation and any other pertinant legal documents.
Bottom line is, do your homework first, then decide on a plan of action.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I don't remember what finally clicked with me.
I could not sit with him any longer in a depressed state, filled with anger he was directing at me and not willing to do anything for himself- get help, admit he had a problem, put any effort into the marriage, NOTHING.
It wasn't the drinking although I think his drinking had something to do with his mental state.
It was unhealthy for both of us. I needed to save myself!
We had been talking about separating at MC for a few months. But as usual he rather sit and curse the darkness than light a candle.
I simply said
"This is how its going to be. I am moving my paycheck to a separate account. I am looking for another place to live. We can go over finances together or with a mediator."
I said it in anger which I regret but he almost seemed relieved that it was happening.
I did not think the split would be long term or the chasm so wide.
Luckily for me there were no children and the financial split was super simple. He did not give me a hard time about anything.
However I think the OP are right in that you should do your homework and cover yourself. Things can get very ugly and their behavior can be nothing that you expected when there is a change.
Best of luck to you.
I could not sit with him any longer in a depressed state, filled with anger he was directing at me and not willing to do anything for himself- get help, admit he had a problem, put any effort into the marriage, NOTHING.
It wasn't the drinking although I think his drinking had something to do with his mental state.
It was unhealthy for both of us. I needed to save myself!
We had been talking about separating at MC for a few months. But as usual he rather sit and curse the darkness than light a candle.
I simply said
"This is how its going to be. I am moving my paycheck to a separate account. I am looking for another place to live. We can go over finances together or with a mediator."
I said it in anger which I regret but he almost seemed relieved that it was happening.
I did not think the split would be long term or the chasm so wide.
Luckily for me there were no children and the financial split was super simple. He did not give me a hard time about anything.
However I think the OP are right in that you should do your homework and cover yourself. Things can get very ugly and their behavior can be nothing that you expected when there is a change.
Best of luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by fedup3 
Hi returntonormal, I understand what you are going through. It took me almost 4 years to come to terms with getting a divorce. My husband like yours is not doing AA, counselling, or the twelve steps but has your husband been in detox or rehab? So many people have tried to help my AH but he's decided this is the way he wants to go so I decided to regain my life again so I went to a lawyer first and then told him about the divorce. I had threatened so many times in the past he didn't believe I was going to do it until he got served the papers. We still live together because he won't move out but once the divorce is final he will be asked to go. The man I married is no longer here and I have grieved over him for a number of years and it was time to end whatever this is called that we're living in. You will know when you are ready to talk to him, just take it slow there's no rush.
Thanks to all of you for your replies! I love SR.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
I am in the same place your at. When my AW went on her last 2 week binge 3 months ago I retained a lawyer. She begged to stay so I put things on hold and told her that she had to regain my trust and faith. Well she is out of town vising one of our kids and started drinking again. I have a friday appointment with the lawyer to resume the divorce. I am not going to tell her anything until after I have made a plan with my lawyers help. I don't want to make any mistakes that could come back to haunt me later.
It would be kinda mean but I could say nothing and have her served on her birthday next month.
It would be kinda mean but I could say nothing and have her served on her birthday next month.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 8
I never had a sit-down conversation with my STBXAH to tell him I was leaving - the day I left I actually left in a hurry because he was getting belligerent. I grabbbed my purse and ran.
But, I knew for about a week prior that I was definitely leaving him very soon, as I had just discovered more bombshell secrets and I knew I was done. I didn't even tell him what I had discovered, I just started making plans.
If you've made up your mind, before you tell him anything, separate your finances to the extent possible. If you have joint savings, pull out whatever you feel your fair share is. Have your direct deposit sent to your own private account.
Before I left, I had also secretly been apartment-hunting. One day, in the morning I acted normal like I was leaving for work, and went and spent the day apartment shopping instead, and came home at the regular hour. Since I had laid some groundwork, I only had to live in a hotel for 3 nights before I could move into my new apartment. I went back with movers a couple weeks later to get my half of the furniture and everything.
In these days/months before you tell him, you have the advantage of knowing what's coming while he's in the dark - use it.
But, I knew for about a week prior that I was definitely leaving him very soon, as I had just discovered more bombshell secrets and I knew I was done. I didn't even tell him what I had discovered, I just started making plans.
If you've made up your mind, before you tell him anything, separate your finances to the extent possible. If you have joint savings, pull out whatever you feel your fair share is. Have your direct deposit sent to your own private account.
Before I left, I had also secretly been apartment-hunting. One day, in the morning I acted normal like I was leaving for work, and went and spent the day apartment shopping instead, and came home at the regular hour. Since I had laid some groundwork, I only had to live in a hotel for 3 nights before I could move into my new apartment. I went back with movers a couple weeks later to get my half of the furniture and everything.
In these days/months before you tell him, you have the advantage of knowing what's coming while he's in the dark - use it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I didn't.
I made my plans in silence.
I opened a checking account in another bank in my name (if you have a checking account without interest accrual, the bank doesn't automatically report it to the IRS).
I started paying off debt.
I made sure my boss and my best friend knew that I was working toward leaving and that I would probably have to ask for a lot of understanding and help.
I had planned on paying off debt and dealing with some other things so that the divorce would be easier. I had figured 9 months. Two weeks after I opened that bank account and put $50 into it, I left.
The thing is -- my demeanor changed once I had made up my mind. He didn't know what was different, but he knew something was. And his emotional and verbal abuse turned physical. I left to save the life of my children and myself.
I'm telling you this story when you ask for ESH because? Because I don't know what your AH is like. But if he has violent tendencies, beware.
Sorry to be a downer, but I would make sure to have all my ducks in a row. Including having spoken with a good family lawyer so you know your rights.
I made my plans in silence.
I opened a checking account in another bank in my name (if you have a checking account without interest accrual, the bank doesn't automatically report it to the IRS).
I started paying off debt.
I made sure my boss and my best friend knew that I was working toward leaving and that I would probably have to ask for a lot of understanding and help.
I had planned on paying off debt and dealing with some other things so that the divorce would be easier. I had figured 9 months. Two weeks after I opened that bank account and put $50 into it, I left.
The thing is -- my demeanor changed once I had made up my mind. He didn't know what was different, but he knew something was. And his emotional and verbal abuse turned physical. I left to save the life of my children and myself.
I'm telling you this story when you ask for ESH because? Because I don't know what your AH is like. But if he has violent tendencies, beware.
Sorry to be a downer, but I would make sure to have all my ducks in a row. Including having spoken with a good family lawyer so you know your rights.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Mine turned pretty mean fast. I would secure some $ and place to go first. We tried counseling first. We went together. Then I saw the therapist alone and she said tell him to go to 90 meeting in 90 days and work a program or I was going. He didn't- I DID.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Thanks to everyone for posting feedback.
It's so easy to feel like I "owe" it to him to be honest. I told him I wanted to separate last week and he pulled the old "I'll quit then. Done." And so far, he hasn't drank. That said, I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been attending AA for the past year, so I know that despite our best intentions it is a difficult road. I have no way of knowing his motives or intentions.
Now, it's harder.
It would be easier if he stuck with his initial reaction which was that I was crazy and he doesn't have a problem. I trust that reaction far more than this new one.
Anyway, based on your experience I do think the best approach is to hold my ground, and put together a plan of action. I just don't want to miss out on who I'm becoming by staying in this marriage.
You have all helped me so much!
It's so easy to feel like I "owe" it to him to be honest. I told him I wanted to separate last week and he pulled the old "I'll quit then. Done." And so far, he hasn't drank. That said, I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been attending AA for the past year, so I know that despite our best intentions it is a difficult road. I have no way of knowing his motives or intentions.
Now, it's harder.
It would be easier if he stuck with his initial reaction which was that I was crazy and he doesn't have a problem. I trust that reaction far more than this new one.
Anyway, based on your experience I do think the best approach is to hold my ground, and put together a plan of action. I just don't want to miss out on who I'm becoming by staying in this marriage.
You have all helped me so much!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Hope you find your way out returntonormal. You deserve to have a LIFE and who knows what holds any of us down the road, your husband could turn around and recover but you don't have to put living on hold until that should happen.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 37
Wow. Just got off the phone with ex-ABF. The man is truly crazy.
We have been apart for one week as he started drinking again two weeks ago. I set my boundaries and only spoke to him tonight to set it straight, once and for all (ha), that I am done. Not gonna do it anymore, don't really love him anymore. He went bonkers. I mean I have dealt with plenty of verbal abuse from him for the past year and a half, but this beats all. I don't even want to bore you all with the specifics of what he said, but wow.
I cannot believe I wasted one minute of my precious life on him.
Peace.
Maureen
We have been apart for one week as he started drinking again two weeks ago. I set my boundaries and only spoke to him tonight to set it straight, once and for all (ha), that I am done. Not gonna do it anymore, don't really love him anymore. He went bonkers. I mean I have dealt with plenty of verbal abuse from him for the past year and a half, but this beats all. I don't even want to bore you all with the specifics of what he said, but wow.
I cannot believe I wasted one minute of my precious life on him.
Peace.
Maureen
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
I left when my AH was drunk and after a horrible, horrible weekend. I didn't have a plan and just started packing and then sat in the car not knowing where to go from there! So, as other people here pointed out - having a plan in place first is key!!!
I understand how hard it must be for you to have that conversation. I don't think leaving someone that you've shared your life with for years is ever easy! I don't think anyone can really tell you what the right words are in the situation. In the end you know your husband best, you know how to best approach him, and how he may react. So keep that in mind when you plan your conversation. Maybe it would help you to practice what you will say beforehand (either out loud with no one listening or go over it in your head a few times) or to make a list with key points that you would like to say to him. I think in many cases (depending on the other person's typical reactions) honesty is the best way to go. Why not tell your husband what you said in your post? That you are drained, don't have any energy left and need to leave him in order to make sure that you will be ok.
I understand how hard it must be for you to have that conversation. I don't think leaving someone that you've shared your life with for years is ever easy! I don't think anyone can really tell you what the right words are in the situation. In the end you know your husband best, you know how to best approach him, and how he may react. So keep that in mind when you plan your conversation. Maybe it would help you to practice what you will say beforehand (either out loud with no one listening or go over it in your head a few times) or to make a list with key points that you would like to say to him. I think in many cases (depending on the other person's typical reactions) honesty is the best way to go. Why not tell your husband what you said in your post? That you are drained, don't have any energy left and need to leave him in order to make sure that you will be ok.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
I waited until my XABF woke up from his drunk and just walked in and told him he had to leave. He turned nasty real fast. In the past I would give in and talk to him about solutions, but this time I had been up all night thinking about the pros and cons of our life together. The pros list was pretty darn short.
He refused to leave. He was making a number of threats so I got a protective order and packed his junk and left it in the garage for him.
Two months later he still won't go away and is trying to get me to go back with him. I have moments of temptation (earlier today was one) but I will not let him back in my life.
He refused to leave. He was making a number of threats so I got a protective order and packed his junk and left it in the garage for him.
Two months later he still won't go away and is trying to get me to go back with him. I have moments of temptation (earlier today was one) but I will not let him back in my life.
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