GettingBy

Hey folks... I have been working on me really hard the past few weeks. Focused on my Al-anon program and taking responsibility for making my life happier and more peaceful.

The thing I'm learning about me is that I am an insane people pleaser. I have lived in FEAR of everyone around me! I accepted unacceptable behavior from so many because I didn't feel it was my place to say anything... part of it was being afraid that speaking up would come across as trying to control?!?! But by the grace of god, and the patience of the program... I'm growing and learning. Learning what it really means to have boundaries, and how to mean what I say, say what I mean... and NOT say it mean!

I'm getting better at speaking my mind and realizing that my not making a decision... I was making a decision. By not saying, "It's unacceptable to treat me with such sarcasm."... I was really saying, "it's okay to be nasty and snarky to me." The eye opener for me was the day that I realized that both of my children had learned (and mastered ) sarcasm... towards me especially. Completely and utterly unacceptable - and I needed to stand up for myself otherwise it was never going to stop.

Ugh, how did it get to this point?!? I don't know, and the why doesn't matter. All that matters is that I am aware today - and making the steps to effect change - in me. I realize that I can't stop/control others but MY job is to be clear that I will not accept the rudeness anymore. I will not just turn and walk away... I will be clear on why I am walking away.

I've always thought of myself as a great communicator - and in some ways, I am... but standing up for me?! Not so much. I have swayed between two extremes - not saying a peep to out right screaming and demanding that everyone fall in line with ME. Today, I am working on finding a happy middle ground. I learned a new slogan this week that has really made things *click* for me...


WAIT... Why am I talking?

To me, that means - what am I trying to say? What is my purpose? Am I trying to control this other person? Am I babbling incessantly to fill empty air space? If I take the time to think about what I want to say, I may realize that a simple sentence (or maybe nothing at all except actions!) would speak louder than a 30 minute diatribe!

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

WendyOWilliams

I can so identify with this. I had a boss tell me in a review that I'm a people pleaser. I felt like saying, "You don't know the half."

Even my ABF when drunk has asked me why I'm putting up with this, what am I getting out of the relationship? Even the drunk partner knows this is not good for me.

I have to break it off with him but the fear of the emotional confrontation. And I know I will suffer horrible self doubt after I do it. But I can't go on like this. He just went to bed at 8 AM after being up all night. I know he's actually proud cause he "only" drank about 11 beers throughout the night.

Oy, how do I get out of this? I know all I have to do is communicate my wishes to him, but the people pleaser is writhing in horror at the thought of being direct and sticking to it.

SoloMio

Man, I SO identify! I remember once my best friend/boyfriend-husband-to-be criticizing me to each other--they talked about how I was "too nice." I remember I started crying--How could I be TOO NICE! I didn't get it. I thought, how could they say that when they are the beneficiaries of my niceness?? Now I do get it. They don't need my niceness if it comes at the price of authenticity.

Congratulations, Shannon, on your hard work and wonderful insights!!

m1k3

I think one of the hardest things for me to learn to say was 'No'. So I practice to myself saying 'No, I don't want to'.

GettingBy

Yup, it's tough, tough, tough to change - to break old, bad habits that we have used for SOOOO Long. What's working for me right now is being patient with myself. Allowing myself time to make the harder decisions - but making sure that in the meantime - I keep working hard on ME. I stay focused on my recovery and practice my new tools in all aspects of life. It's been good to practice my boundaries with the kids... b/c I know that 1) they NEED the boundaries and 2) their reaction to my boundaries doesn't scare/worry me like standing up to AH does. So, start small - and work your way up - and you WILL get better and better at it!


Mike - NO... oye. That was a word I used to be deftly afraid of ever using. I would participate in so many family outings (with mine and AHs)... that I really didn't want to do!!! Why the hell didn't I ever just say no?!?! Today - I know better. I know that when I do something begrudgingly... nobody, and I mean, NOBODY enjoys themself!! So now, I say, "No thank you!"



Solomio - For me, it's not so much the issue of being nice. The issue is being a damn spineless doormat!!! I like being a nice person. I like being kind and helpful. Those are good traits to have. But sometimes good traits can go bad - especially when life gets out of balance. We need to remember to be nice to ourselves too!! We need to take care of our own needs or else we are no good to anyone else around us! I can no longer give and give and give... particularly when the other person is a take-take-take personality. I need to save some of the "give" for ME. I need to keep myself healthy even if nobody else around me cares!


Thanks for all of your shares :-)

Tuffgirl

One of the finest traits is the ability to be assertive with grace and dignity. I am lucky I had a Mom who taught me this, but trying to have a relationship with an alcoholic left me, like Shannon says above, so out of balance that I lost my grip on grace and dignity and became either a doormat to avoid the nasty confrontations and blamestorming, or the raging justifier...I could justify my position for hours on end, like it ever mattered.

Giving those behaviors up has been challenging and so freeing at the same time! Even the RAH has noticed I no longer carry on and on and on. I may say a few sentences, but once I have said my piece, it's done. And I've learned I can say my piece in far less words than I used to!

I also recognize there are just some people who won't/can't negotiate, therefore communication becomes impossible so I simply stop trying.

Thanks for sharing this, Shannon. Good lessons to be learned here!

frances2011

Shannon thank you for an awesome post and I'm really happy for your continuing recovery!

I'm taking hope and inspiration from your example to take responsibility for making my life happier and more peaceful.

Cyranoak

Beautiful post Shannon.

Thank you,

Cyranoak

wywriter

Aaaaaamen! I've been struggling with the same issue for most of my life. I remember feeling offended once, when I was 17, when a co-worker with whom I'd become close made a comment that I was a runner -- I ran away from the things that were tough so I didn't have to deal with them. At the time, I had just ended two years of being homeless, had three part-time jobs while I was still in high school, and had a heck of a lot heavier load than anyone else I knew my age.

Now I know that he was right -- not so much that I run, but that I accept. I find a way to mold myself to what's going on around me, rather than stand my ground and disrupt the flow. I've been working hard on this particular issue. Finally, less than 48 hours ago, my husband called me a fat@ss and said a few other choice words to me. Where in the past I'd just stop talking, I said, "My @ss is not fat, and I don't deserve your abuse. I don't want my son thinking that's how he can treat his wife, and I don't want my daughter thinking that's what she has to accept. I don't want to be around that, and will find somewhere else to stay if I can't be treated in an acceptable way here."

You know what happened? It's really, truly amazing -- he STOPPED! I'm sure it's a passing thing...or maybe not, if he finds out that he doesn't get the reaction he wants from that. I know it means he'll just be seeking something else to punch my buttons, but in the meantime I feel really good that I've finally been able to express a boundary.

I do a lot of transcription in addition to writing (I need something non-creative sometimes) and there are two quotes that have popped up a few times -- "I get what I accept." And, "I teach others how I want to be treated." These two have been on my mind a lot lately, and I really don't like what I've been telling others is okay with regards to how they treat me.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

AMEN SISTA!! Go after that awesome life that is awaiting you and just remember you are alot bigger than the kids!! I say that jokingly of course, my 2 could always push my buttons too.