gossip hurts
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
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gossip hurts
We were talking about gossip at my al anon meeting last night. The conversation hangs with me today.
I'm not completely sure what gossip entails exactly, but I know it hurts when you're the victim of it. Alot.
During the early days of my exah's addiction, everything was a secret. Everything. There was a sense of shame...and denial...and disbelief...that kept me from reaching out to anyone for support and help.
When I did finally reach out to a few trusted friends, I learned later that my situation...my deeply private...deeply personal...situation had become the topic of gossip.
It hurt. Badly. The consequence...I walled myself off from others...stopped reaching out...believing no one could be trusted. ANd those people...well...I no longer count them as friends.
I went to a HS graduation party on my exah's side of the family this past weekend. I'm still close to this side of the family. THey have always been very supportive of me. I love them. I do.
Yet I stood there at this party and watched my exah's brother tell a friend about all of the drama my exah has gone thru lately due to his addiction. The drama includes a hospitization, homelessness, and now rehab. His brother, who I do love dearly, drinks alot himself. He stood there with a beer in his hand, swaying the drunk-man's sway, dishing dirt about his brother to a friend.
And i just felt really really bad inside.
It hurt. He wasn't talking about me...true enough...but he was talking about my son's father and a man I still love even though our marriage has been forever scarred and ruined by addiction. I'm glad my son wasn't here to hear it. Doesn't he have enought to deal with without hearing hurtful comments and judgments of others? Truly?
And I've been thinking about things I have said to others that I probably shouldn't have. I think in an attempt to overcome the secrecy there were times I shared too much with others. Like I said before, I learned the hard way how much it hurts when you share personal information with others only to find it turned into gossip later on.
I know everyone deals with all of this in their own way.
But gossip hurts. It does.
I'm not completely sure what gossip entails exactly, but I know it hurts when you're the victim of it. Alot.
During the early days of my exah's addiction, everything was a secret. Everything. There was a sense of shame...and denial...and disbelief...that kept me from reaching out to anyone for support and help.
When I did finally reach out to a few trusted friends, I learned later that my situation...my deeply private...deeply personal...situation had become the topic of gossip.
It hurt. Badly. The consequence...I walled myself off from others...stopped reaching out...believing no one could be trusted. ANd those people...well...I no longer count them as friends.
I went to a HS graduation party on my exah's side of the family this past weekend. I'm still close to this side of the family. THey have always been very supportive of me. I love them. I do.
Yet I stood there at this party and watched my exah's brother tell a friend about all of the drama my exah has gone thru lately due to his addiction. The drama includes a hospitization, homelessness, and now rehab. His brother, who I do love dearly, drinks alot himself. He stood there with a beer in his hand, swaying the drunk-man's sway, dishing dirt about his brother to a friend.
And i just felt really really bad inside.
It hurt. He wasn't talking about me...true enough...but he was talking about my son's father and a man I still love even though our marriage has been forever scarred and ruined by addiction. I'm glad my son wasn't here to hear it. Doesn't he have enought to deal with without hearing hurtful comments and judgments of others? Truly?
And I've been thinking about things I have said to others that I probably shouldn't have. I think in an attempt to overcome the secrecy there were times I shared too much with others. Like I said before, I learned the hard way how much it hurts when you share personal information with others only to find it turned into gossip later on.
I know everyone deals with all of this in their own way.
But gossip hurts. It does.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
I've been an "over-zealous disclosure" and I've been far too quiet. I agree, gossip does hurt. One thing about being a codie/al-anon is that I haven't always had the best "picker" in terms of who to trust, you know?
I am so sorry that you had to hear your BIL (and the terminology you used "the drunk man's sway - just brought tears to my eyes) speak that way. it was hurtful, I know. Like many things, it probably wasn't directed at you - you just got caught in the overspray.
I guess I would just say a prayer that whatever was said could somehow be used for good.
I am so sorry that you had to hear your BIL (and the terminology you used "the drunk man's sway - just brought tears to my eyes) speak that way. it was hurtful, I know. Like many things, it probably wasn't directed at you - you just got caught in the overspray.
I guess I would just say a prayer that whatever was said could somehow be used for good.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
outonalimb, I know exactly what you are saying because I feel the same way. For all too long secrecy was key around our house, pretending everything was so wonderful when it really was nothing but chaos and denial. I didn't tell anyone what was really going on with AH only my kids knew seeing they grew up with it. When everything let loose 4 yrs ago I seemed to tell everyone I knew about everything and it was so so so freeing to finally let it out but now I feel awful that everyone thinks so badly about my AH and pitying me, ugh. I never wanted to ruin his name but just now I realized I didn't ruin his name he did.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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I didn't ruin his name he did.
I guess it only bothers me to the extent this man is my son's father. I try so hard to be honest with him about what is going on because I think it is important that he know..while trying not to 'bad mouth' his dad. Its a real tightrope walk sometimes.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yes, it hurts. I told too much some people and shut up too much with others.
But all that helped me see who was and is a friend, and who is not worth it, or is just a "contact" not a true friend.
The whole thing is just pain and more pain. I was also not sure about what I was looking for in others. I was angry because they ignored my pain. And when they paid attention it looked like pity to me, or disregard for my feelings.
Only in Melody Beatty's books, SR and group therapy/individual therapy & HP did I find what I needed: compassion.
((HUGS))
But all that helped me see who was and is a friend, and who is not worth it, or is just a "contact" not a true friend.
The whole thing is just pain and more pain. I was also not sure about what I was looking for in others. I was angry because they ignored my pain. And when they paid attention it looked like pity to me, or disregard for my feelings.
Only in Melody Beatty's books, SR and group therapy/individual therapy & HP did I find what I needed: compassion.
((HUGS))
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Stick to the truth. It's easier to keep your story straight that way. Simply dish out what you think is the appropriate amount of detail for your son's age. Trust me, he is going to hear it from someone so he might as well get the straight scope from Mom first.
He may not respect his father but I am willing to bet he is going to respect his mother.
Your friend,
He may not respect his father but I am willing to bet he is going to respect his mother.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
sometimes it is hard to maintain a relationship with the Xs family no matter how nice they are. you want to shield your son from this type of discussions. i don't know if I would continue the social interactions with them, especially since your BIL likes to flap his lips about it. I think it was very insensitive,rude if they know your true feelings and you were able to hear the conversation.
it's not your place to tell him how to talk, but you might mention just how craptastic you felt when you heard him gossiping.
it's not your place to tell him how to talk, but you might mention just how craptastic you felt when you heard him gossiping.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I feel for you. I am sorry you have to experience this.
I've struggled with this. It was my BIG secret for years. Not even the kids were in on it because he drank after their bedtime and secretly. Alanon says don't gossip, but it also says we're not obligated to maintain secrecy if they have no program and it may hurt them by delaying their hitting bottom.
Because of a crisis which ended up in hospitalization, his family, my family and the kids now know. Whether to tell anyone else? I decide based on whether I trust them, and whether it might help them (e.g. they have an alcoholic in their life they are struggling with).
The other circumstance would be that I would not lie about it and especially not to prevent consequences.
However, his family doesn't talk about it, my family doesn't mention, so other than with the kids, it does feel like I am back in secrecy again
I've struggled with this. It was my BIG secret for years. Not even the kids were in on it because he drank after their bedtime and secretly. Alanon says don't gossip, but it also says we're not obligated to maintain secrecy if they have no program and it may hurt them by delaying their hitting bottom.
Because of a crisis which ended up in hospitalization, his family, my family and the kids now know. Whether to tell anyone else? I decide based on whether I trust them, and whether it might help them (e.g. they have an alcoholic in their life they are struggling with).
The other circumstance would be that I would not lie about it and especially not to prevent consequences.
However, his family doesn't talk about it, my family doesn't mention, so other than with the kids, it does feel like I am back in secrecy again
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