I'm moving and I can feel the stress of it all
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I'm moving and I can feel the stress of it all
Hello SR friends. I could use some encouragement from those of you with a similar story.
I'm putting my house up for sale and moving about 45 minutes away to a nicer, safer neighborhood. I've been working toward this for several years, getting my house prettied up and all.
This is the house I raised my children in. This house is my own personal Tara. Because of how low the house payment was (bought in late 1970s), i was able to raise my children in a pretty nice area with good schools. I was able to have financial security during that time even though ex-husband did not pay child support. God is good. Now it is time to downsize and get out from under home ownership.
But here's the rub. Somewhere deep in me I'm struggling with abandoning the AS. Because he chooses to not be in contact with me, he will find out from other people or by driving by and seeing the "For Sale" sign. So many emotions going on here. I feel like I'm walking away from unfinished business as far as the regrets of how I failed my children (all of them, not just the AS). I feel like I raised this liability to society (referring to AS) and now I'm walking away and leaving this city to fend for itself as far as the damage that this AS does to a society. Kind of like not picking up my dog's poo from my neighbor's lawn.
Please. No dissing here. I'm just an emotional female leaving a home I've lived in for decades, and that home has been good to me. But there's also some parental guilt going on here. Make sense? Since when do emotions make sense, esp in females with strong homing instincts.
Anyone else experience this?
I'm putting my house up for sale and moving about 45 minutes away to a nicer, safer neighborhood. I've been working toward this for several years, getting my house prettied up and all.
This is the house I raised my children in. This house is my own personal Tara. Because of how low the house payment was (bought in late 1970s), i was able to raise my children in a pretty nice area with good schools. I was able to have financial security during that time even though ex-husband did not pay child support. God is good. Now it is time to downsize and get out from under home ownership.
But here's the rub. Somewhere deep in me I'm struggling with abandoning the AS. Because he chooses to not be in contact with me, he will find out from other people or by driving by and seeing the "For Sale" sign. So many emotions going on here. I feel like I'm walking away from unfinished business as far as the regrets of how I failed my children (all of them, not just the AS). I feel like I raised this liability to society (referring to AS) and now I'm walking away and leaving this city to fend for itself as far as the damage that this AS does to a society. Kind of like not picking up my dog's poo from my neighbor's lawn.
Please. No dissing here. I'm just an emotional female leaving a home I've lived in for decades, and that home has been good to me. But there's also some parental guilt going on here. Make sense? Since when do emotions make sense, esp in females with strong homing instincts. Anyone else experience this?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My heart hurts as I see you beating yourself up for your AS and your parenting skills.
No one gives us a definitive manual on how to raise kids.
We wing it, and we do the best that we can with what we have at the given moment.
I know what it's like to leave a "safe" home behind as my parents sold the home I grew up in (and that my maternal grandfather built) shortly after I left at age 18.
I still to this day get sad if I think about it long enough.
It was my childhood home.
However, the only constants in my life are God and change.
Sending you hugs of support!
No one gives us a definitive manual on how to raise kids.
We wing it, and we do the best that we can with what we have at the given moment.
I know what it's like to leave a "safe" home behind as my parents sold the home I grew up in (and that my maternal grandfather built) shortly after I left at age 18.
I still to this day get sad if I think about it long enough.
It was my childhood home.
However, the only constants in my life are God and change.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You are doing a very brave thing. The easy thing would be to stay in this home that you love.....it's really hard to move toward the unknown. There is a sense of comfort in the familiar. I'm sure there are moments of fear or saddness but change happens.....and embracing that change will help you move forward.
Regarding the guilt of leaving your son. I do understand that. My husband and I are planning a move in the not too distant future (three years or so) to another country. I am trying to work through my thoughts of abandoning my children. I know that my daughter will be ok and I will be able to stay in touch with her via skype. But I do feel like I will be abandoning my AS. I am trying to mentally prepare....but it's hard.
There is nothing that we can do about the past.....when we know better we do better. There is no useful purpose in beating yourself up for something you cannot change. Be kind and gentle with yourself. This is a stressful time for you. You were the best mother you knew how to be at the time.....we all were. Now focus on being the best person you can be today.
Move forward in fatih. You will be in my prayer today.
gentle hugs
ke
Regarding the guilt of leaving your son. I do understand that. My husband and I are planning a move in the not too distant future (three years or so) to another country. I am trying to work through my thoughts of abandoning my children. I know that my daughter will be ok and I will be able to stay in touch with her via skype. But I do feel like I will be abandoning my AS. I am trying to mentally prepare....but it's hard.
There is nothing that we can do about the past.....when we know better we do better. There is no useful purpose in beating yourself up for something you cannot change. Be kind and gentle with yourself. This is a stressful time for you. You were the best mother you knew how to be at the time.....we all were. Now focus on being the best person you can be today.
Move forward in fatih. You will be in my prayer today.
gentle hugs
ke
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I would feel the same hon.
Intellectually we know that it makes little sense, but the emotional attachement is perfectly understandable.
It has taken a lot of strength to get to where you are at the moment. Give yourself a big 'ole pat on the back ( and a nice big hug) for having the courage to move on to the next step of life. Many in your shoes would remain stuck, even if it kept them terribly unhappy.
Sending out good thoughts and prayers to you and your family
(((Hugs)))
Intellectually we know that it makes little sense, but the emotional attachement is perfectly understandable.
It has taken a lot of strength to get to where you are at the moment. Give yourself a big 'ole pat on the back ( and a nice big hug) for having the courage to move on to the next step of life. Many in your shoes would remain stuck, even if it kept them terribly unhappy.
Sending out good thoughts and prayers to you and your family
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Leaving your family home is definitely a reason for reflection, sadness, and some grief.
But you know what? If you sell it, it doesn't vaporize; it's still there. The memories are still there.
Recently my parents visited the house they once lived in as newlyweds and had their first two children in... some 50 years later. They knocked on the door and explained they were on vacation from out of state, and had lived in that house decades ago, and would love to see how it is, today.
The woman in the house was gracious, and gave them a tour. During the time of the tour, the mail came. In the mail was a letter to the woman, her son had been awarded a rare scholarship for excellent citizenship, and my mother described to me how it was to see that woman open that letter in front of them.
The house was still there, holding memories, making more memories...
CLMI
P.S. - Take a picture of yourself in front of the house, so someday when you go back to visit, you show the new people your picture, and they know you are not scamming them.
But you know what? If you sell it, it doesn't vaporize; it's still there. The memories are still there.
Recently my parents visited the house they once lived in as newlyweds and had their first two children in... some 50 years later. They knocked on the door and explained they were on vacation from out of state, and had lived in that house decades ago, and would love to see how it is, today.
The woman in the house was gracious, and gave them a tour. During the time of the tour, the mail came. In the mail was a letter to the woman, her son had been awarded a rare scholarship for excellent citizenship, and my mother described to me how it was to see that woman open that letter in front of them.
The house was still there, holding memories, making more memories...
CLMI
P.S. - Take a picture of yourself in front of the house, so someday when you go back to visit, you show the new people your picture, and they know you are not scamming them.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 51
I so understand what you're going through! I'm doing the same thing at the moment. Twenty five years in this house raising kids and looking after all manner of addicts! Those days are done and I'm retiring to a funky loft downtown where I can look after myself for once. Still, I have this huge guilt feeling I'm fighting. I know better, but I feel like I'm abandoning everyone.
The other day I received a huge message from my AH who passed away seven years ago. The posession date for my new place was changed to the anniversary of his death, Oct. 15th! I think he's telling me that I'm doing the right thing in moving on with my life.
The other day I received a huge message from my AH who passed away seven years ago. The posession date for my new place was changed to the anniversary of his death, Oct. 15th! I think he's telling me that I'm doing the right thing in moving on with my life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Soujourner,
Just want to wish you luck with this new adventure in your life! I too understand your feelings but I think you will be glad you made the move once its done. I really like what Kindeyes said - once we know better we do better, I think all of us moms have to get past those feelings of guilt, they do no one any good, thats for sure. Keep us posted on your progress!
Just want to wish you luck with this new adventure in your life! I too understand your feelings but I think you will be glad you made the move once its done. I really like what Kindeyes said - once we know better we do better, I think all of us moms have to get past those feelings of guilt, they do no one any good, thats for sure. Keep us posted on your progress!
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