silly

My partner's best friend took me to my first AA meeting. She'd been going casually (but still drinking) since she had a terrible drunk driving accident a few months prior and when I came clean about my own drinking problem, she showed me the ropes. A few months after her accident, she became pregnant and that got her sober. After she got a mere slap on the wrist for her DUI, she no longer needed to go to AA to "look good" for the courts.

We always asked her if she intended to stay sober after the baby and she said yes. Well, baby is 3 months old now and guess what? She's drinking again, "just a little". I know, I know, nothing I can do about it. But here's the thing. She drinks in front of my partner and my partner doesn't say anything. They've drank together a few times, too. My partner says that her friend doesn't take the disease or her sobriety seriously so there's nothing she can do. But... it just sends me such a terrible message. Like a judgement is being made. Like I'm messed up and my behavior cannot be tolerated but friend somehow is not. It really hurts. I've told my partner how I feel and she says that it's between her friend and her friend's husband and it's not her place to say anything.

At the moment I've decided with my therapist that the best thing I can do for myself is keep as much distance as I can from this friend. I refuse to be in a situation where I'm caught off guard and she takes a drink in front of me. But that doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I know that my sobriety has nothing to do with hers but my mind is playing some pretty terrible tricks on me. I'm really... ANGRY.

landminesgirl

I don't have any advice for you, but hugs! I would be hurt as well. . . and I think that you're right to try to distance yourself from this "friend". I don't know your story - does your partner drink?

silly

My partner drinks but not much and not often. We don't keep alcohol in our house and rarely does she drink in front of me.

Mark75

Yea, I think I know what your feeling, maybe...

I remember my wife and I had our annual christmas party only three months after I quit drinking, two of those months were in treatment... It sucked @ss... I felt like the bad kid who had to go stand in the corner and couldn't be with the grown ups..

I don't know if that approximates what you are feeling or not...However, as I continued recovery I realized my recovery has...

absolutely..nothing..to..do..with..anyone..else

If I let how I felt about it define me, well that was at my peril. Today I really don't care what anyone else does...

Today, we have christmas parties, graduation parties, we go to music festivals... I am as happy to be there as anyone else.. I don't care if my wife has a drink...

What your partner's friend does is none of your business.

silly

Intellectually, I know that, of course.

It's just the double standard I'm feeling. My partner would never stand for me taking a drink in front of her or with her. We've been through a lot. We went through a lot with her friend, too... Sitting at the ER at 2 am waiting for her to wake up (she's passed out at the wheel), giving her rides while her car was in the shop, comforting her husband. And I guess I feel like my partner is saying "that's okay" by staying silent.

Anna

Hi,

It does sound like an uncomfortable position to be in. It seems your partner is judging her friend differently than you. The main thing is to not let this bother you too much. Good for you for choosing not to be around this friend when she is drinking. Really all you can do is to let your partner know your feelings and talk it out. Then try to take care of yourself and detach if possible.