I am new and hope to find some council
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Denver Co
Posts: 8
I am new and hope to find some council
Hello I am at the end of my ropes and about to throw in the towel on my mother due to her codependency in regards to my sister.
I will try and make this brief but it will be hard so here is the break break down.
1. My sister is 44 years old
2. She has used cocaine and then crack for 20 years minus a few times in prison and while locked up.
3. She has always had issues with drinking
4. When drinking she usually gets verbally and physically abusive especially with grandmother and mother
5. Mom and grandmother have paid for her rent $620 a month for 4 years not, allowed her to live off them in their homes, bought her food, paid her lawyer costs, got her furniture, never pressed charges for her stealing grandma's check book racking up thousands and using my moms check card and causing my mom to get overdrafts and charges costing her $1,000
My grandmother is in her 80's my mother is in her 60's both are ill and have numerous health problems, just 6 days ago my sister lost her place, which she never spent a penny on, mom mainly and grandmother forked the bill for four years because of her addictions no one wanted to let her live with them anymore, in these four years she was suppossed to look for a job and become slf sufficient but she never did and only caused more disaster financially to them as she got in trouble with the law by haveng boyfriends who were on drugs and one was an alcholic as well and sheconinued using and partying it up. One of those boyfriends would beat her up and the other one she stabbed and only served 90 days in the mean time mom and grandma were paying rent for an empty trailor so she didn't lose her place.
Just 6 days ago like I said she got evicted told my mom to pick her up, from there she told her to buy her liquor, food, ciggarette ect; the reason she lost her place was that no one could afford it anymore so she was angry and put my mom through hell, she hit my mom with her empty bottle of liqor was grabbng my mom's wheel and going into oncoming traffing, cussing my mom out, threatning her and my mom finally paid for her to go to a motel and when she came home her blood pressure was 210/170 and I live with my mom. pay my bills here and have helped her fix her home, my plans are to take care of my mom in her years that she no longer can but she continues to give of herself, her health, and pocket book have been put through the wring cycle and she is always to scared or feels so sorry for my sister that she will never take any of my advice and I always have to fear for her life, see her sick and deppressed that I am tired of this never ending hell that I am thinking I can't take it anymore and want to move with my husband and son far away.
Am I in the wrong my sister is homeless there is not a shelter with room for her and two days ago I found her one where she could stay up to two years and for the first 6 months she would focus on her addiction and she would have to go to church and chores but it was safe not at all a dive and they would also help her become self sufficient but she walked out after everyone warned her she would have no place to go. So what should I do? Never being born sounds real good to me but since I am here this never ending burden never leaves.
If I leave and move my mom will die early and my sister will abuse, use and really have the full upper hand but my mom want stop giving into her and I am burnt out. Thanks for hearing me out any advice is appreciated because I feel so lost right now. I am 30 years old I feel like I am in my 50's.
I will try and make this brief but it will be hard so here is the break break down.
1. My sister is 44 years old
2. She has used cocaine and then crack for 20 years minus a few times in prison and while locked up.
3. She has always had issues with drinking
4. When drinking she usually gets verbally and physically abusive especially with grandmother and mother
5. Mom and grandmother have paid for her rent $620 a month for 4 years not, allowed her to live off them in their homes, bought her food, paid her lawyer costs, got her furniture, never pressed charges for her stealing grandma's check book racking up thousands and using my moms check card and causing my mom to get overdrafts and charges costing her $1,000
My grandmother is in her 80's my mother is in her 60's both are ill and have numerous health problems, just 6 days ago my sister lost her place, which she never spent a penny on, mom mainly and grandmother forked the bill for four years because of her addictions no one wanted to let her live with them anymore, in these four years she was suppossed to look for a job and become slf sufficient but she never did and only caused more disaster financially to them as she got in trouble with the law by haveng boyfriends who were on drugs and one was an alcholic as well and sheconinued using and partying it up. One of those boyfriends would beat her up and the other one she stabbed and only served 90 days in the mean time mom and grandma were paying rent for an empty trailor so she didn't lose her place.
Just 6 days ago like I said she got evicted told my mom to pick her up, from there she told her to buy her liquor, food, ciggarette ect; the reason she lost her place was that no one could afford it anymore so she was angry and put my mom through hell, she hit my mom with her empty bottle of liqor was grabbng my mom's wheel and going into oncoming traffing, cussing my mom out, threatning her and my mom finally paid for her to go to a motel and when she came home her blood pressure was 210/170 and I live with my mom. pay my bills here and have helped her fix her home, my plans are to take care of my mom in her years that she no longer can but she continues to give of herself, her health, and pocket book have been put through the wring cycle and she is always to scared or feels so sorry for my sister that she will never take any of my advice and I always have to fear for her life, see her sick and deppressed that I am tired of this never ending hell that I am thinking I can't take it anymore and want to move with my husband and son far away.
Am I in the wrong my sister is homeless there is not a shelter with room for her and two days ago I found her one where she could stay up to two years and for the first 6 months she would focus on her addiction and she would have to go to church and chores but it was safe not at all a dive and they would also help her become self sufficient but she walked out after everyone warned her she would have no place to go. So what should I do? Never being born sounds real good to me but since I am here this never ending burden never leaves.
If I leave and move my mom will die early and my sister will abuse, use and really have the full upper hand but my mom want stop giving into her and I am burnt out. Thanks for hearing me out any advice is appreciated because I feel so lost right now. I am 30 years old I feel like I am in my 50's.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Would it be possible to go and talk to the county's social services department? Lay it all out on the line - the stealing, the using, the financial pressure, the physical abuse. Don't hold back but don't lie. They may be able to give you some advice on getting an order of protection for your mom and grandma or a commitment order on your sister. You might want to point out that their health issues are just making it too hard for them to fight back and maybe an agency needs to step in.
I know you may be reluctant to spill the beans to people about what is going on in your family but stuff like this is like mold - once you get it out into the sunshine, it dies. Misery thrives on secrecy. Reach out to a local agency and they might have some better advice for you than I. NO ONE should have to live in such a way that they fear being stolen from, beaten, manipulated and abused.
I know you may be reluctant to spill the beans to people about what is going on in your family but stuff like this is like mold - once you get it out into the sunshine, it dies. Misery thrives on secrecy. Reach out to a local agency and they might have some better advice for you than I. NO ONE should have to live in such a way that they fear being stolen from, beaten, manipulated and abused.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel 
Would it be possible to go and talk to the county's social services department? Lay it all out on the line - the stealing, the using, the financial pressure, the physical abuse. Don't hold back but don't lie. They may be able to give you some advice on getting an order of protection for your mom and grandma or a commitment order on your sister. You might want to point out that their health issues are just making it too hard for them to fight back and maybe an agency needs to step in.
I know you may be reluctant to spill the beans to people about what is going on in your family but stuff like this is like mold - once you get it out into the sunshine, it dies. Misery thrives on secrecy. Reach out to a local agency and they might have some better advice for you than I. NO ONE should have to live in such a way that they fear being stolen from, beaten, manipulated and abused.
I know you may be reluctant to spill the beans to people about what is going on in your family but stuff like this is like mold - once you get it out into the sunshine, it dies. Misery thrives on secrecy. Reach out to a local agency and they might have some better advice for you than I. NO ONE should have to live in such a way that they fear being stolen from, beaten, manipulated and abused.
I second this.
Your mother has full intentions to continue giving into your sister.
You cannot control or change your sister, nor can you control or change your mother. They will both make the decisions they will make, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
I would also suggest attending Al-Anon in your area, as some face to face meetings help so much:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
One of the hardest things in dealing with this disease is the feeling of isolation, like we have to keep the family secret at all costs, even if it costs us our health and sanity.
You're not alone. I realized, once I started reaching out to people, that most of the people around me had some understanding of addiction in its various forms. It's such a widespread problem, and still we're afraid to say anything because we feel we're all alone.
The other hard part was feeling I was stuck, that I had no choice, that I had to be the strong one because if I was not the alcoholic in my life would get hurt, or into trouble, or die, and it would be all my fault.
I finally learned that his decisions are his decisions, and as such he is the one responsible for the consequences of those decisions - not me. I did everything I could think of to get him to stop drinking, to get the help that I wanted him to get, and he didn't want to stop and he didn't want help to stop so he just didn't stop.
It's his choices. I can't control his actions. I can only control what I will allow into my life, and his drama has no place. I've got enough issues of my own to work on, without taking on his issues that I can't solve anyway.
You're in the right place.
You're not alone.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Addiction is a terrible disease, and it takes so many people down with it, not only addicts but also their family and friends.
You have choices. You have options.
Just because your sister and your mother decide not to be responsible adults, doesn't mean that you have to take over their responsibilities as well as your own.
It's hard.
That's why the rest of us are here, too.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, sounds like this situation has gotten way out of hand. Your sister is in the drivers seat, the rest of you are sitting in the back seat.
It would appear that your mother is afraid of your sister, if she wasn't, she would have called the police and pressed charges when your sister hit her with the booze bottle.
I would call Adult Protective Services, there are several chapters in your area. Your sister is abusing your mother, this is elder abuse.
As for your sisters recovery, that is totally up to her. You cannot force her into recovery.
This is a very toxic enviorment for you and your family, especially your child. Trauma in childhood can seriously impact a childs development and can have long term negative effects, well into adulthood.
Some day you may have to make a decision, save myself and my family, or, save no one.
I also suggest that you read Codependent No More and get to some Alanon meetings.
Take care,
It would appear that your mother is afraid of your sister, if she wasn't, she would have called the police and pressed charges when your sister hit her with the booze bottle.
I would call Adult Protective Services, there are several chapters in your area. Your sister is abusing your mother, this is elder abuse.
As for your sisters recovery, that is totally up to her. You cannot force her into recovery.
This is a very toxic enviorment for you and your family, especially your child. Trauma in childhood can seriously impact a childs development and can have long term negative effects, well into adulthood.
Some day you may have to make a decision, save myself and my family, or, save no one.
I also suggest that you read Codependent No More and get to some Alanon meetings.
Take care,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Denver Co
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel
Misery thrives on secrecy. Reach out to a local agency and they might have some better advice for you than I. NO ONE should have to live in such a way that they fear being stolen from, beaten, manipulated and abused.
-
PurpleSquirrel thanks so much for the advice, I had a long talk with mom today and it seems and has been this way that she will not stop helping my sister, I have told her to get a restraining order on my sister everytime a violent situation has broke out but she will not and has not.
She says she is done helping my sister but an hour after our talk she took off to go rescue her like always and I am positive she is being her crutch right now. I have called the cops on my sister in the past and I was wrong for doing so after all "we all know how she is" and she had a bad childhood excuses they get upset cut her off for a day or week at most then back at it no consequenses and no boundries truely it is sickining it has been the same excuses for years.
I am looking for rental properties now because it is affecting my state of mind. Your damned if you do and damned if you don't because I need my mom to think about herself and not just that what she is doing by worrying me. I mentioned us moving to my son that way my mom can take care of her and my 8 year old said no mom what if she kills her!! Wow I feel those same worries and he must feel it too. I just don' know why she continues to want to be a victim. It is her choice ugh!!
I just wanted to also thank the others for responding I am reading through and will have a few days to really think this over but right now I am so drained.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Bless your heart, sadnessfollows.
While I think it is wonderful that you care about your mom and grandmother, I can see that your son is seeing much too much, for a young one. He should not have to even have thoughts like that in his little head.
i am in a similar situation as your mom, but I dont want my girls to have to live with me, protect me, or rescue me. I know that my choices have consequences and they are mine to bear and suffer. Not my girls.
the idea of elder abuse may be good to look into. maybe someone will step in, who has experience and can offer counsel to your mom.
i would tell my girls- save yourself! If I want to waste my life helping a crazy son, then it is no ones responsibility to suffer but mine! I have choices, and so does your mom.
as was said, shedding light on this mold will help to destroy it, hopefully. there should be a way to get your sister into a mental facility, if your mom can get someone to realize she is abusing others and herself, with physical violence. personally, I would rather see my son in prison than to let him do this to me, as your sister is doing. surely she has mental issues, and needs mental help. you can get mental health professionals to come and assess in an emergency, i believe.
prayers for your peace honey. this is not your battle. your responsibility is your husband and children. detach, and let it go. it will not change a thing if you stay and try to fix any of it. your son is probably spending a lot of time fearful, which is very bad for him.
hope you get some peace and get to al-anon, it helps. this place is great too.
hugs
chicory
While I think it is wonderful that you care about your mom and grandmother, I can see that your son is seeing much too much, for a young one. He should not have to even have thoughts like that in his little head.
i am in a similar situation as your mom, but I dont want my girls to have to live with me, protect me, or rescue me. I know that my choices have consequences and they are mine to bear and suffer. Not my girls.
the idea of elder abuse may be good to look into. maybe someone will step in, who has experience and can offer counsel to your mom.
i would tell my girls- save yourself! If I want to waste my life helping a crazy son, then it is no ones responsibility to suffer but mine! I have choices, and so does your mom.
as was said, shedding light on this mold will help to destroy it, hopefully. there should be a way to get your sister into a mental facility, if your mom can get someone to realize she is abusing others and herself, with physical violence. personally, I would rather see my son in prison than to let him do this to me, as your sister is doing. surely she has mental issues, and needs mental help. you can get mental health professionals to come and assess in an emergency, i believe.
prayers for your peace honey. this is not your battle. your responsibility is your husband and children. detach, and let it go. it will not change a thing if you stay and try to fix any of it. your son is probably spending a lot of time fearful, which is very bad for him.
hope you get some peace and get to al-anon, it helps. this place is great too.
hugs
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Denver Co
Posts: 8
Chicory
Thanks so much for your response, I will keep your situation in my prayers and your in my thoughts. I am sorry for all the people having to go through so much hurt over the addictions that destroy and cause pain. Your information was very helpful thanks for everything as I need to start taking care of myself and get my mind stronger and being reminded it aint my responsibility or battle helped lesson the load I never wanted to be in this situation but sometimes no matter who it is whether a stranger or flesh and blood we have to help those weaker and unable to defend themself and although I couldn't force my sister into rehab I can see that she is out of control so I actually am starting to think in reality being behind bars may be the only way to stop her path of destruction. Those are my new thoughts I hope to be strong in this and through this rollor coster ride.
God bless!
Thanks so much for your response, I will keep your situation in my prayers and your in my thoughts. I am sorry for all the people having to go through so much hurt over the addictions that destroy and cause pain. Your information was very helpful thanks for everything as I need to start taking care of myself and get my mind stronger and being reminded it aint my responsibility or battle helped lesson the load I never wanted to be in this situation but sometimes no matter who it is whether a stranger or flesh and blood we have to help those weaker and unable to defend themself and although I couldn't force my sister into rehab I can see that she is out of control so I actually am starting to think in reality being behind bars may be the only way to stop her path of destruction. Those are my new thoughts I hope to be strong in this and through this rollor coster ride.
God bless!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Denver Co
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by sadnessfollows
Originally Posted by dollydo
Some day you may have to make a decision, save myself and my family, or, save no one.
Your right with all that you pointed it out. Mom didn't want to press charges on her for this last incident with the bottle she pleaded with me but I told my mom there is no way I will sit back and do nothing I absolutely had it I told my mom any more abuse even the slightest and I will fully disclose all information from here on out even if some of my family will think I am the bad one none of them have lived and seen just believe the sad story my sister throws out.
The warning from me has went out to my sister and I know the courts will punish severly any one found guilty of senior abuse. Me and my sister have had phsical fights because I won't put up with any abuse to mom in front of me.
I am at the end of my ropes with my sister but have thought things through and I can't abondone my mom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Denver Co
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by StarCat
You're in the right place.
You're not alone.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Addiction is a terrible disease, and it takes so many people down with it, not only addicts but also their family and friends.
You have choices. You have options.
Just because your sister and your mother decide not to be responsible adults, doesn't mean that you have to take over their responsibilities as well as your own.
It's hard.
That's why the rest of us are here, too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by dollydo
Your sister is abusing your mother, this is elder abuse.
I would not be able to live with it, nor would I be able to walk away and ignore it.
Welcome to the Colorado Coalition for Elder Rights and Adult Protection (CCERAP)
From their site:
Remember that victims are often unable to ask for help, due to fear or disability. You do not
need the victim’s consent to make this report. Under Colorado law, you are protected from
liability if you make the report in good faith. You may make an anonymous report.
For further information call:
1-800-773-1366 or 303-866-3433
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Denver Co
Posts: 8
Well I finally had it my mom is back to her same soooo old enabling so I am packing my things that is too bad, but I can't do anything to help my mom. This hurts but the morale of the story is this don't let your son or daughter or anyone for the matter use you to get thier drugs or alchohol put your foot down as soon as possible, try to get them into rehab but if they don't want to change be prepared you might loose everything including your health and life. If your family don't wake up see how much damage thier enabling has done it is a sad sad story and I am broken hearted much more then words could ever express. My family would rather condone the wrong then stand up for the truth and the right so off we go to start my life over and drugs and alchohol can be such an evil destructive force causinh pain and destruction like a tornado it can be so devastating.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your mother and grandmother are very codependent and as sick if not sicker than your sister. Added to that, they are unwilling to change. This is not as unusual as it sounds, some people just cannot let go, you can talk to them until you are blue in your face and they just won't/can't change and take a stand. Basically, they either don't understand or are too weak to stand up and do the right thing.
All that you can do is save yourself and your family. This is not your struggle.
I am so very sorry, however, you cannot change them, you can only change you and move forward with your life.
All that you can do is save yourself and your family. This is not your struggle.
I am so very sorry, however, you cannot change them, you can only change you and move forward with your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Denver Co
Posts: 8
Thanks Dollydo, you hit it right on the nail. It is time for me to stop being called on to protect but turn around a day, two maybe a week later and it is back to give, give giving and take, take taking the abuse.
They always run to me to solve it, intervene and when I offer sensible solution for all involved including my sister they always manage to side step and so yes thier is deep rooted codependency issues, nothing changes if nothing changes but I can and will no longer lose sleep, stress out and worry and worry when thier is no and there has never been in the last 20 years a solution a consequence, a boundry, an answer.
I want a happy life not chained in misery. I have tried everything I could but now must leave it in God's hands. I have prayed, cried, wept, and have changed so much over the years due to opp other peoples problems where there is no solution I cannot worry, I cannot stay, and worry about what will happen when my sister moves in with mom, been there before because even tho my she doesn't live with mom I moved her to protect her she puts my mom through more financially and emotionally either way. Thanks for hearing my situation this is a great website I may just come back to vent more and share with others it is a great place.
They always run to me to solve it, intervene and when I offer sensible solution for all involved including my sister they always manage to side step and so yes thier is deep rooted codependency issues, nothing changes if nothing changes but I can and will no longer lose sleep, stress out and worry and worry when thier is no and there has never been in the last 20 years a solution a consequence, a boundry, an answer.
I want a happy life not chained in misery. I have tried everything I could but now must leave it in God's hands. I have prayed, cried, wept, and have changed so much over the years due to opp other peoples problems where there is no solution I cannot worry, I cannot stay, and worry about what will happen when my sister moves in with mom, been there before because even tho my she doesn't live with mom I moved her to protect her she puts my mom through more financially and emotionally either way. Thanks for hearing my situation this is a great website I may just come back to vent more and share with others it is a great place.
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