husband

Your stories have been awe inspiring and have had me in tears with what you are going though. Thank you for the comfort in knowing I am not alone. In some ways it instills perspective in that... Things could always get worse. Your candor and strengths instill upon me a sense of hope and belonging. Thank you for reading, posting, responding and for your tolerance .
I tend to write when I'm emotional... Apologies for the length.... But here goes

Having just driven an hour to get home from what started out as a good day but soon turned exhaustive and stressful (work). Tired, I finally arrived home. All I hoped for tonight was a reconnection with my wife and to have some time to spend with her.

I had arrived. Not at the peaceful existence I was hoping for. Instead I showed up with the kids at the front door opening presents and my wife in tears.

The other set of in-laws sent gifts for my sons and daughters birthday from a few weeks back. The fact that they sent something is great. The fact that they sent things so irrelevant from our kids lives was a big disappointment to my wife... This added to her guilt.
i.e. She feels her actions are a direct result of the in-laws distancing from our kids.

I agree. Her actions are not without consequence or ramification...
Why do the in-laws they take it out on the kids?

A few weeks back when these in laws were in town my step mother in law went through a catalog of toys with my eldest to gauge her interests etc. Of all the things they could have sent. Not a single one was pertaining to what my daughter stressed an interest in.

I am not here to expect X toy etc. Frankly, we could do with less crap around the house but a fourth "connect four" game is nothing more than sending a gift for gifts sake.

Not here to reject the gift just frustrated and confused.

I realize a lot of my energy goes towards the in-laws. Right or wrong it's the basis of why we moved here. For support. Instead this support just punches is in the face with a consistency that is just plain uncomfortable.

As I expressed to my wife. Honey... I realize you take the onus of responsibility but you have to stop. I am not here to condone anything you did or pretend like there aren't consequences but on the same token I can not accept their behavior.

You might ask what are you talking about dude?.. Your in laws sent gifts! What are you complaining about? If you ask that I'd ask you to reread my post and posts I've made earlier about this seemingly constant struggle with my in-laws.

My wife is not without fault.
I am not without fault.
Our kids are completely without fault.
The perpetual "rubbing salt in the wound". is not helping and it feels like the kids are a direct response towards "showing" us their anger
Still have a lot of work to do on myself. I am trying and these little tidbits help me deflect for a day or 2... Outside of having our kids call them I'm not sure what else to do be it direct towards them or some introspective realization.
Question:
You constantly feel a "rubbing the salt in the wound" approach from someone. it's not conducive towards you or your spouses recovery. What do you do.

I realize you are only getting "my" part of the story I would hope you respond with the understanding that what I say is consistent not in the way that I see thing but as the way things are.

To do this we must completely remove ourselves from the situation. I'm maybe partly there. In short: Collectively people are making strident efforts in bringing us down indirect as it may be. What do you do. How do you keep the focus on where it needs to be? Tired of the energy this takes out of me.

Am I taking on my wifes emotions? I don't think so. I think I'm compassionate, empathetic and sympathetic towards her.
Ugh... If I don't post now I'll keep writing. Anyway I hope the questions were direct enough to respond to and that you have the patience to go through this .
Much love!
-m

Chino

How do your children feel about the gifts?

husband

Chino yeah the kids were excited. Nearly everything they get at their ages they will initially feel that way.

Cynical one... Your question cracked me up! A totally legitimate question. After a nights sleep and being a little more clear headed...

I can say I honestly don't know. Placing my own or my wife's conjecture onto things doesn't do any good.

I know they sent the gifts because our kids had 2 birthdays in June.

Why did they send what they sent? No idea. Maybe they forgot about the catalog. Maybe they are taking getting back at us. With a little help I'm sure I could post thousands of possibilities. The fact of the matter is I don't know.

My wife gets really upset because of what she did and how it is affecting the kids relationship with their grandparents. I can't do anything about how the in-laws behave and I am happy they sent something.
I explained to wife... Look, Your working on your recovery and that's what is important. You can take responsibility for what you have done but beyond that it's their choice. If this stuff was sent to hurt? Well that is unhealthy. Equally it's also unhealthy that we get all riled up about it. If it was sent to hurt us, I'm sure more symptoms of this will be revealed over time. Similar to their lack communication with the adults for instance. Or when other relatives visit the in laws from out of town and we don't hear anything.

As for me I have got to let this stuff go. I think continuing to go to meetings and reading an al-anon book would be a good starting point. I really enjoy writing so I think Ill continue doing so but in a journal or something. (not that I won't be here).
Sorry for the long rant last night. On a side note and in spite of what you read above.. The days are getting better.

Thanks

Ann

If the kids are happy with the gifts, maybe just let them enjoy that happiness while you and your wife work out why this annoys you so much.

If the kids do not enjoy the gifts, or if the gifts are duplicates of what they already have, perhaps donate them to a women's shelter near you...they always need things for the children there.

You can't control your in-laws and if the worse things they do is leave gifts for your children, maybe say "Thank You God if this is my biggest problem today".

I promise that I am not trying to trivialize your pain, but I am suggesting that the real problem isn't the gifts at the door. Perhaps I am wrong, it wouldn't be the first time.

Good luck to all of you.

Hugs

husband

You aren't trivializing it Ann. You are absolutely right!

I was trying to point that out in the first paragraph... Hell, my wife and I are still together and working on our relationship! My wife is working on her recovery and I'm working on my own stuff.
Things could be a lot worse. If there is drama in our lives I'm thankful it's this petty. I'm not denying my own feelings... They are valid but reading up on others stories definitely places some perspective on how bad things can get and what a blessing it is to have this nonsense as our drama for today. In every way I thank god for this.
You are absolutely right Ann.

Kindeyes

There's a great slogan in Alanon/Naranon.....Let go and let God. I love the "other" version of that slogan "Let go or be dragged".

One of the beautiful things that I have discovered through my own recovery is how much I allowed other people to affect my moods and emotions. Really working a program of recovery for myself is teaching me that I CAN control my own emotions and not allow others to do this. This has been a lifelong issue for me......not something that relates directly or solely to my son's addiction.

Learning that I can't change other people but I can change my thought processes about them was a life altering realization for me. I've learned that if someone is just too toxic for me, I can limit my exposure. I've learned that people do and say really stupid things but it has more to do with them than it has to do with me so I don't take it personally. (I'm sure I say my share of really stupid things too! lol) I've taken myself waaaaay too seriously and life waaaaay too seriously. I'm learning to laugh at things that, in the past, would have sent me into orbit.

If your wife is working her program, working with a sponsor, and working the steps, she'll begin to understand that she is in control of how she feels, what she thinks, and her emotional reactions to anything. This is one of the many things that the 12 steps teach us. It takes time.....but you'll both get there.

Keep working. Keep reading. Keep writing. You're ok and things will get better!

gentle hugs
ke

Freedom1990

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to change in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
~Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st edition

Wife2anaddict

When you read your post, it is difficult for an outsider to see the whole picture, b/c yes, it does look like you are complaining about the Connect 4 game, which is just silly. However, I have major in-law issues as well, so I know that there's an entire dynamic that's difficult to put into words in one little post. When my RAH was in rehab, the in-laws (aka, the rescuers) sent me flowers on Mother's Day and said they were from him. So, to an outsider, to hear me complain about this, looks selfish, spoiled and ungrateful. However, to me, it was a completely symoblic act of how they have enabled him for his entire life. At age 34, the have never let him feel any consequence, if they have had the ability to help it. Relapses? My fault. I must've really brought him down to make him feel down about himself and relapse. It's easy for him to turn to drugs when his wife is such a miserable meanie. Cheating? My fault also. Well if his wife was the woman he deserved, he wouldn't have strayed. ALso? How dare wife ask RAH for money to contribute to the household! After all, wife kicked him out, why should he have to contribute any money towards his household and children? These are also the same people who told the therapist in my RAH's rehab that their actual biggest fear was that they no longer would have me around to be checking his phone records and bank account!!! REALLY?! So, my point is, the gesture in itself is harmless, but I understand that the act can be symbolic of something indicative of the dysfunction that has in part contributed to where we all are today.

cece1960

Just some food for thought:
Perhaps some of the problem lies not in the in-laws and the relationship they are trying to maintain with your kids, but in your expectations of what sort of relationship they should have?

I keep going back to what I too struggle with...we can not control others. As long as we try, we will remain stuck.

Let the kids enjoy the gifts and the in-laws feel their appreciation. It may not be about you and your wife at all, but instead something they thought the kids would enjoy. Sometimes, as a grandma, I find myself becoming a bit nostalgic when it comes to gifts, and buy something the I thought was the coolest thing back in the day. The important thing is that they cared enough to give a gift.

The kids feel that...do you want to take it away from them?

gowest

I understand how complicated family dynamics can be and how much pain they can cause. I don't belittle what you are feeling even if I don't completely understand it.

Here is what my children live with:

1 grandfather in jail
1 grandmother lost her mind sense of self due to her husband being in jail
1 grandfather dead (My father is dead. Lovely kind man no addiction issues)

1 remaining semi-normal grandmother
- my mother who has issues (not addiction)
I have worked very very hard to find peace with her so that my children can have one normal grandparental relationship

Just another perspective for you.

husband

Thank you everyone.

Yes the dynamics here are rather complicated... Even more-so after all of this.

Wife and I had a good talk about this mess earlier today and her sadness stems from our kids lack of relationship with their grandparents. She realizes the damage she's done and that they are upset. This is one of those scenarios where time would likely heal all wounds... If you knew her mom... You might expect that to happen at her death bed. Wife isn't looking for forgiveness. Has already resigned to the fact that the relationship will never be what it was. Isn't even interested in it. I have to say neither am I.... That's not the kids though that's us.

"Cynical One" The laughter was at how clearly you phrased the question and how utterly ridiculous it seemed to me if that were true. I thought it was funny.
I don't think I'm defending my wife but supporting.

As I said to wife... Your actions have consequence and surely the results of yesterday may well be part of that. If their intent is to hurt us through this? Than that is not acceptable. I really don't know what's wrong with that line of thinking.

On the in-laws: You don't get closer to christ by giving money to the offering bowl and not praying.
Another one... Money won't buy you love.

We aren't removing joy from our kids. We call the in-laws so they get properly thanked and smile when the kids play with the toys.
About to change... That was my wife's experience as well. Her stance is that she's upset at the state of their relationship with the kids and it causes concern, guilt and a slew of other emotions. I don't know... Tomorrow is another al-anon night for me. Gonna sign out for a bit and walk to the dog. Really tired today. All we can do is try I guess.

Ann

This thread is really taking me through the process of recovery that I found early in my program, and that's a good thing. I saw that there were serious problems, mostly in myself, but I didn't know how to identify them and work through them. But with the help of my sponsor and my group, I found support and guidance that took me to a better place.

I found that it was one thing for me to recognize my part in the dysfunction of my relationships. I had been neglectful, angry (with displaced anger at my addicted son) and determined that I was right, no matter what the cost to my family and to myself. And I was filled with guilt and shame.

Acceptance was a big part of my learning. Accepting that I could not change what I had done, could not change one day of it, but I could acknowledge and accept that it was so.

It was then that I could forgive. I could forgive my son for all the terrible things he had done while addicted, I could forgive my friends and family for "not understanding" and challenging my life choices...but most of all I could forgive myself. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the action, it means I let go of the pain I attach to it as I strive to do better in the future.

It was not until I could forgive myself that I could begin to heal. They say that forgiveness is the antidote to resentments, and I found that as I forgave others, the resentments faded quickly.

It was at this point, I think, that I was no longer living in the problem (my codependency and my past behaviours) and I began living in the solution (the future of recovery and all the hope for better days that came with it).

Thank you for this reminder, Husband. Those who went before me taught me things that saved my life. The newcomers who follow continue to teach me how to stay in my recovery and keep moving forward because going back to that dark place I came from is no longer an option.

Hugs