bully fathers
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
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bully fathers
anyone here have a bully dad? my dad was stupidly macho often times making out he was the big man and could take on anyone. this was NOT mirrored in how he seemed to behave around others.
he did however expect me his son to conduct myself in that arrogant beligerent confrontational cocky confident manner and if i didnt i was somehow needed to grow up a wussy sissy nancy boy or gay or any number of hurtful remarks.
i have a person right now living next door that i find difficult to handle. this situation is made worse by me hearing my fathers voice in my head calling me a sissy
oh dear. ideas? suggestions please ty kevy
he did however expect me his son to conduct myself in that arrogant beligerent confrontational cocky confident manner and if i didnt i was somehow needed to grow up a wussy sissy nancy boy or gay or any number of hurtful remarks.
i have a person right now living next door that i find difficult to handle. this situation is made worse by me hearing my fathers voice in my head calling me a sissy
oh dear. ideas? suggestions please ty kevy
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Hi, Kevy! My father was a bully too because of his alcoholism. I grew up witnessing violence and being afraid for my life. And being molested myself.
I have struggled a great deal with the "tapes in my head" that got programmed into me. I was reading the ACA Bill of Rights that are up in the sticky notes in this forum. What really leapt out at me tonight was the one where it said we have the right to accept or reject any or all of what our alcoholic parents taught us growing up, their value systems, etc.
I reject a fair amount of what my father believed about life and I find it has made me a great deal happier rejecting the harmful values that I learned growing up as an ACOA.
Alcohol abuse causes physical changes in the brain that lead to poor judgment about things and certain characteristics among all alcoholics. When I read a book about the roles played in alcoholic families, I was startled and felt the author had written about my family specifically! I could see that my brother and sister and I all were sick, playing our roles in the family, and our mother and father were sick in their roles in the family. It's so true that this is a family disease.
I feel the values I chose to reject, were the values of the disease and not really the values that my parents would have chosen to teach me, had they been well instead of being sick.
It's a very tough struggle overcoming those tapes playing in our heads. I think for me at least it's gotten better with time and with learning more about the disease.
I hope things will get better and easier for you.
I have struggled a great deal with the "tapes in my head" that got programmed into me. I was reading the ACA Bill of Rights that are up in the sticky notes in this forum. What really leapt out at me tonight was the one where it said we have the right to accept or reject any or all of what our alcoholic parents taught us growing up, their value systems, etc.
I reject a fair amount of what my father believed about life and I find it has made me a great deal happier rejecting the harmful values that I learned growing up as an ACOA.
Alcohol abuse causes physical changes in the brain that lead to poor judgment about things and certain characteristics among all alcoholics. When I read a book about the roles played in alcoholic families, I was startled and felt the author had written about my family specifically! I could see that my brother and sister and I all were sick, playing our roles in the family, and our mother and father were sick in their roles in the family. It's so true that this is a family disease.
I feel the values I chose to reject, were the values of the disease and not really the values that my parents would have chosen to teach me, had they been well instead of being sick.
It's a very tough struggle overcoming those tapes playing in our heads. I think for me at least it's gotten better with time and with learning more about the disease.
I hope things will get better and easier for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
cheers ACOA happy now 'tapes in my head' that fits wow thanks amazing how in recovery you can read something and be oh sweet james this is exactly how i think too! The tapes in my head yes! That fits.
What was the book you read with family roles
What was the book you read with family roles
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Yes, my father was also a bully, although it's only in recent years I see it, because he was also the father I did everything with, provided for us, took us on trips, etc.
But those tapes: "I have to love you because you're my daughter, but I sure don't like you." Nice one to tell your teenage daughter over and over. "You have no common sense." Repeatedly. There were others, but those two stand out.
Bit by bit they go away, as you associate with normal people who see the good in you.
But those tapes: "I have to love you because you're my daughter, but I sure don't like you." Nice one to tell your teenage daughter over and over. "You have no common sense." Repeatedly. There were others, but those two stand out.
Bit by bit they go away, as you associate with normal people who see the good in you.
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