A gentle drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
A gentle drunk
Hello, I'm new here. It took me a few weeks of lurking around the forums before I finally decided to become a member.
This is my story. It's long, so please bear with me.
About a year ago, I (22 years old) met a guy named Michael (25 years old) in a college art course. Over the duration of the semester, we became very close friends. I was drawn to Michael because we shared a ton of common interests, he is incredibly compassionate, friendly, charismatic, sincere, artistically talented, funny, [insert positive adjective here]. Eventually a wrench was thrown into the scheme of our relationship when he admitted that he had become insanely attracted to me. I couldn't help but feel attracted to him as well, but at the time I was already dating (and happy) with my boyfriend of six months. Despite his confession, we pushed aside our attractions and continued our friendship.
One night, Michael called me late and seemed very upset. In his true brutally honest manner, he admitted that he was an alcoholic and had been for a couple of years. Needless to say, I was shocked. I felt so sorry for him and wanted so much to support my struggling friend. To know such a gentle soul trapped in addiction was utterly heartbreaking.
Once I knew of his drinking problem, I began to notice all the classical signs of his problem. His frequent absences/tardiness in class ... his slurred speech over the phone (which up until then I had believed was a result of being tired) ... arriving at his house to hang out and not answering the door (passed out).
After class ended, we continued to keep in touch. We live an hour away from each other but still remained very close. His attraction for me grew, as did mine, and I found myself in a difficult predicament of feeling like I had to choose between him or my current boyfriend. I felt like Michael was everything that I had wanted in a man, except for his addiction to alcohol and cigarettes (I don't drink or smoke).
Within the last few months, Michael's drinking continued despite my attempts to get him to stop and the boundaries I have placed on him (not wanting to talk or be around him when he's drunk). He has been admitted into the ICU and detox twice; once for going into a withdrawal-triggered seizure and the other for overdosing on alcohol and painkillers. He was also slapped with his first DUI charge in a surprise romantic gesture to deliver gifts to my house.
After this happened, he told me that he wanted to get sober once and for all, yet refused to go to AA or counseling (says he doesn't believe in it). He told me he could quit on his own and set a sobriety date for July 20, 2011 (his birthday), promising me that by then, he'd be sober, would get a job (he's unemployed and has been for awhile), and truly get his act together. I believed him and offered to support him thru his recovery. For a month or two, he got to the point where he was only drinking heavily for 2 days out of the month. But recently, he's started binging again and has been drunk all this week.
I love Michael very much and want nothing more than to see him well, but his excessive drinking has slowly been deteriorating my own well-being (I have anxiety issues, so my constant worrying about him is not healthy) and I have hit the point where I can no longer stand back and watch him kill himself. About four days ago, I broke off communication with him and it has been very hard. He claims I am the last person he had, aside from his father. He tries to call me at least twice every day, leaving distressed voicemails and messages pleading for me to call him back. It's getting increasingly difficult to ignore him, but I have made it blatantly clear to him that I cannot be in his life unless he gets his act together and gets sober once and for all.
So, I guess the hardest part about staying away from him is that he isn't a stereotypical angry or abusive drunk. I've seen him at his worst, and even then, he has still been incredibly loving.
---
Am I doing the right thing by stepping out? I truly feel like I've done all I can do for him. I know that I cannot change him and can only hope my absence pushes him into the direction of recovery. But I also fear that my absence will make him even worse because of the intensity of our friendship. Also, I'm still with my current boyfriend who is not an addict and is very much the healthiest choice for me, yet in the back of my mind I still pine for Michael.
Is there anyone who has had similar experiences with gentle drunks or the no contact tactic?
Thank you for reading and for your advice/stories in advance.
This is my story. It's long, so please bear with me.
About a year ago, I (22 years old) met a guy named Michael (25 years old) in a college art course. Over the duration of the semester, we became very close friends. I was drawn to Michael because we shared a ton of common interests, he is incredibly compassionate, friendly, charismatic, sincere, artistically talented, funny, [insert positive adjective here]. Eventually a wrench was thrown into the scheme of our relationship when he admitted that he had become insanely attracted to me. I couldn't help but feel attracted to him as well, but at the time I was already dating (and happy) with my boyfriend of six months. Despite his confession, we pushed aside our attractions and continued our friendship.
One night, Michael called me late and seemed very upset. In his true brutally honest manner, he admitted that he was an alcoholic and had been for a couple of years. Needless to say, I was shocked. I felt so sorry for him and wanted so much to support my struggling friend. To know such a gentle soul trapped in addiction was utterly heartbreaking.
Once I knew of his drinking problem, I began to notice all the classical signs of his problem. His frequent absences/tardiness in class ... his slurred speech over the phone (which up until then I had believed was a result of being tired) ... arriving at his house to hang out and not answering the door (passed out).
After class ended, we continued to keep in touch. We live an hour away from each other but still remained very close. His attraction for me grew, as did mine, and I found myself in a difficult predicament of feeling like I had to choose between him or my current boyfriend. I felt like Michael was everything that I had wanted in a man, except for his addiction to alcohol and cigarettes (I don't drink or smoke).
Within the last few months, Michael's drinking continued despite my attempts to get him to stop and the boundaries I have placed on him (not wanting to talk or be around him when he's drunk). He has been admitted into the ICU and detox twice; once for going into a withdrawal-triggered seizure and the other for overdosing on alcohol and painkillers. He was also slapped with his first DUI charge in a surprise romantic gesture to deliver gifts to my house.
After this happened, he told me that he wanted to get sober once and for all, yet refused to go to AA or counseling (says he doesn't believe in it). He told me he could quit on his own and set a sobriety date for July 20, 2011 (his birthday), promising me that by then, he'd be sober, would get a job (he's unemployed and has been for awhile), and truly get his act together. I believed him and offered to support him thru his recovery. For a month or two, he got to the point where he was only drinking heavily for 2 days out of the month. But recently, he's started binging again and has been drunk all this week.
I love Michael very much and want nothing more than to see him well, but his excessive drinking has slowly been deteriorating my own well-being (I have anxiety issues, so my constant worrying about him is not healthy) and I have hit the point where I can no longer stand back and watch him kill himself. About four days ago, I broke off communication with him and it has been very hard. He claims I am the last person he had, aside from his father. He tries to call me at least twice every day, leaving distressed voicemails and messages pleading for me to call him back. It's getting increasingly difficult to ignore him, but I have made it blatantly clear to him that I cannot be in his life unless he gets his act together and gets sober once and for all.
So, I guess the hardest part about staying away from him is that he isn't a stereotypical angry or abusive drunk. I've seen him at his worst, and even then, he has still been incredibly loving.
---
Am I doing the right thing by stepping out? I truly feel like I've done all I can do for him. I know that I cannot change him and can only hope my absence pushes him into the direction of recovery. But I also fear that my absence will make him even worse because of the intensity of our friendship. Also, I'm still with my current boyfriend who is not an addict and is very much the healthiest choice for me, yet in the back of my mind I still pine for Michael.
Is there anyone who has had similar experiences with gentle drunks or the no contact tactic?
Thank you for reading and for your advice/stories in advance.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
My thoughts: This is one of those people you need to just let go. You cannot help him. He is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do. He isn't ready yet to get help. Until he is, nothing you do or don't do will save him. If you continue to be involved with Michael, that could cause a problem with your current boyfriend. Going "no contact" would be the best thing for you. Michael can take care of himself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Yes. If he is as soft and gentle as you say (and I don't doubt that he is because I care about one like that) sometimes the things we do indirectly become manipulation because they want to please us. That is not a healthy type of love for either party. They can be just as codependent on us.
Just something to be aware of.
Not contacting him is for your benefit. If you are doing it to pursuade him to seek treatment then that is manipulation. I read lots of pity for this man on your part and wanting a certain power but you don't have any power over him or his drinking.
I read this and got to the part about you still having a boyfriend yet I don't think you are as healthy as you think for him. You still have a boyfriend but know he is really wanting to be with you? Hmm... that is a very seductive type of power to have over someone. And potentially very hurtful for him.
Respect him enough to allow him to make his choices.
Oh and Read as much as you can on SR.
Just something to be aware of.
Not contacting him is for your benefit. If you are doing it to pursuade him to seek treatment then that is manipulation. I read lots of pity for this man on your part and wanting a certain power but you don't have any power over him or his drinking.
I read this and got to the part about you still having a boyfriend yet I don't think you are as healthy as you think for him. You still have a boyfriend but know he is really wanting to be with you? Hmm... that is a very seductive type of power to have over someone. And potentially very hurtful for him.
Respect him enough to allow him to make his choices.
Oh and Read as much as you can on SR.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I agree--it doesn't really matter if he is soft, gentle, mean, crude, sweet, nasty, sensitive, whatever. He has to travel this road on his own, and there is nothing you can do. I have a feeling you've already figured this out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Niskayuna NY
Posts: 26
I am also new to this site. My situation is very different because it is my sister who is afflicted with this disease. I don't have the ability to walk away because she is a life long part of my life. I know you want to help Michael but don't let him draw you in to his disfunction. You need to be aware of what will make you happy and stay on that path.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
I've had two alcoholics in my life, both very different people in the beginning.
My father was a gentle, creative, charismatic and charming ... and an alcoholic from his first drink.
My husband was hard working, driven, focused, and motivated ... and would only drink a couple times a year, until 7 years later, when he became a clandestine angry alcoholic.
As different as my husband and my father were ... they both eventually came to share the same destructive behaviors ... they became possessed, consumed and obsessed with alcohol. Everyone and everything came second.
It was a losing battle for everyone involved ... the addiction was so powerful there was nothing I or my family could say or do that could alter its course. Years passed, happiness was replaced with misery.
Both my father and husband hid it, denied it and lied about it ... all while creating complete turmoil in the lives of those closest to them. Life was one long series of mind games never knowing what the truth really was or what would happen next.
The older they got, the more promises they made & broke ... and life with them was a long toxic roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Hope followed by despair, over and over again.
Eventually, neither one of them could hold a job or support their children, adding even more problems to already troubled lives.
Many sad, tumultuous years later ... my father finally got sober ONLY because his son became gravely ill.
then ...
Many more sad, tumultuous years later ... my AH became gravely ill, his health, memory and vision all failing, and yet he still could not get sober. This once proud man lost his life to this powerful addiction.
Keep reading, you will see many stories of families and friends that struggled and hoped for years that the alcoholic in their lives would see the light and get healthy and sober. For most, the stories do not have a happy ending ... many years lost waiting for something to change with the alcoholic that never happened.
We eventually learn when dealing with another's addiction, the only choices, behavior and destiny we have control over, are our own.
My father was a gentle, creative, charismatic and charming ... and an alcoholic from his first drink.
My husband was hard working, driven, focused, and motivated ... and would only drink a couple times a year, until 7 years later, when he became a clandestine angry alcoholic.
As different as my husband and my father were ... they both eventually came to share the same destructive behaviors ... they became possessed, consumed and obsessed with alcohol. Everyone and everything came second.
It was a losing battle for everyone involved ... the addiction was so powerful there was nothing I or my family could say or do that could alter its course. Years passed, happiness was replaced with misery.
Both my father and husband hid it, denied it and lied about it ... all while creating complete turmoil in the lives of those closest to them. Life was one long series of mind games never knowing what the truth really was or what would happen next.
The older they got, the more promises they made & broke ... and life with them was a long toxic roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Hope followed by despair, over and over again.
Eventually, neither one of them could hold a job or support their children, adding even more problems to already troubled lives.
Many sad, tumultuous years later ... my father finally got sober ONLY because his son became gravely ill.
then ...
Many more sad, tumultuous years later ... my AH became gravely ill, his health, memory and vision all failing, and yet he still could not get sober. This once proud man lost his life to this powerful addiction.
Keep reading, you will see many stories of families and friends that struggled and hoped for years that the alcoholic in their lives would see the light and get healthy and sober. For most, the stories do not have a happy ending ... many years lost waiting for something to change with the alcoholic that never happened.
We eventually learn when dealing with another's addiction, the only choices, behavior and destiny we have control over, are our own.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The kind, wonderful, charming man that you know today will not always be this way. As the disease progresses, his demeanor will also change. Run far and fast, never look back. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
Your absences should be for YOU, so that YOU can recover from the stress and the strain... Unless you're gunning for being the next Mother Theresa, a saint living only for him so that he doesn't have to.
Just repeat this instead of your Hail Mary's "It's only about YOU. It's YOU who's important." You're worth it, girl, go get 'em!
Just repeat this instead of your Hail Mary's "It's only about YOU. It's YOU who's important." You're worth it, girl, go get 'em!
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
You've known Michael for a year and been with your boyfriend for a year and a half, as I hear it? You know you love Michael, but do you love your boyfriend? If your boyfriend is the healthier choice for you, but you have been having an emotional affair for two thirds of your relationship to-date, maybe you are not the healthier choice for your boyfriend and need to let him go. NOT to replace him by making Michael your boyfriend, but because it doesn't logically sound like you believe your boyfriend is the relationship you want for the long run. Just something to consider.
I have heard many people whose alcoholic love interests/spouses seem to hook them by one form or another, of, "...if you leave me I'll only want to drink more" or "if you don't do (this, that and/or the other), then I have to drink."
This is simply not true. A person with a disease does not get over the disease by being in a relationship.
I have heard many people whose alcoholic love interests/spouses seem to hook them by one form or another, of, "...if you leave me I'll only want to drink more" or "if you don't do (this, that and/or the other), then I have to drink."
This is simply not true. A person with a disease does not get over the disease by being in a relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Hi SV,
Welcome to SR! Hope reading around here will show you that an alcoholic is someone not worth having in your life, even as great as they may be in other senses. My XABF was charming, sweet, loving, educated, etc. but as his addiction became worse, he became more irate and irrational. Not saying that would happen in all cases, but you really have to assess whether your friendship with him is worth enough to deal with all of the issues that could arise from his disease.
After my experiences with my X, I made a decision that I would NEVER, under any circumstances, be with or have an alcoholic or addict of any kind in my life. That is something I have learned from the things that have happened to me, but you have your own decisions to make and your own lessons to learn. Hope this place allows you to become informed about the disease!
Welcome to SR! Hope reading around here will show you that an alcoholic is someone not worth having in your life, even as great as they may be in other senses. My XABF was charming, sweet, loving, educated, etc. but as his addiction became worse, he became more irate and irrational. Not saying that would happen in all cases, but you really have to assess whether your friendship with him is worth enough to deal with all of the issues that could arise from his disease.
After my experiences with my X, I made a decision that I would NEVER, under any circumstances, be with or have an alcoholic or addict of any kind in my life. That is something I have learned from the things that have happened to me, but you have your own decisions to make and your own lessons to learn. Hope this place allows you to become informed about the disease!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
After my experiences with my X, I made a decision that I would NEVER, under any circumstances, be with or have an alcoholic or addict of any kind in my life.
I cannot agree with her more. The drunk does not need to be violent to see some horrifying things. If you don't believe me, visit the thread "Things a normie wouldn't know"
Also, a nursing degree will help in the care of your alcoholic as you will be cleaning up puke and psychological training as you're dealing with someone with very self-destructive behaviors. Yes, it's really sad and yes I have compassion, but my purpose is not the care of this single person, and the more I care for this single person, by default, it's what makes his disease worse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you to everyone who replied. I feel more secure in my decision to let Michael go. It will certainly take time to fully accept, but I am realizing that separating is the best thing I can do. I intend to stay less fixated on Michael's actions and more so on my own, as I am the only person I have control over.
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