peanut21

To those of you not sure what I am talking about you can read my update thread twords the end.

I feel so beat down and broken. I no longer know what to feel other than I am depressed and crying the last couple of days. I have started to feel so hopeless and helpless. My self esteem is pretty much gone.

Now that her son has called her she has nothing to say to me. I have feelings too ya know? He called today and just said he is meeting with the Dr and when the Dr calls me I am supposed to tell him we got into an argument and that is why he texted me he did not want to live. He says this place isn't going to help me anyway. I know he is right because as always unless you want help you are not going to do anything about it no matter how long they keep him. He will lie his way through the whole process and his mother as usual will help him with everything she has or can do. He is her precious son.
Don't get me wrong I have 4 boys and I love them all very much but at the same time you have to let them make their own mistakes and learn from those mistakes. I want to guide them but they make their own decisions and choices. I can't make them for them and I sure won't lie for them. Theu have always had to face their own consequenses. Why shouldn't he?

My love has turned into hate and anger and how do you get past that? How do you learn to work through all that anger and resentment? I feel so frustrated.

Coming here has helped a great deal and I am planning on going to my first Al Anon meeting tomorrow. I have also orderd the codependent no more and codependent no more workbook which should be here next week. I really don't know what else to do anymore.

I know I can't Control, Change or ? I forget the last one at the moment I read it over and over and say it to myself and now my brain is not working. Thanks everyone for listening.

MissTara

The last C is Cause, you did not cause this.

You said you did not know really what else to do anymore. Well I think that by coming here to SR, ordering those books & going to your first meeting tomorrow is a great start. Just breathe and take each minute/hour as it comes. Your recovery is not going to happen overnight.

You seem to have a lot of anger and resentment about the fact that your AH is not paying for his conciquences, I say try not to worry about that. You can not change how his mother treats him or helps him, so dont waste anymore of your energy asking the *why* questions. Let her do what she is going to do, and you just concentrate on what you are going to do towards your own recovery.

JMHO

suki44883

I agree that you shouldn't worry about how his mother helps him out. There's nothing you can do about that; however, I would NOT lie for him and tell the doctor something that is not true. Whether or not he would actually get help there is not your problem, and if you lie for him, then YOU will be the one helping him avoid consequences for his actions. Just tell the truth and let whatever happens happen.

laurie6781

BULL BULL BULL

QUACKING QUACKING QUACKING

If the Dr calls you, you tell the Dr the truth he threatened suicide. End of story.

Please do NOT continue to allow him to manipulate you and tell you what to do.

He is NOT your responsibility. His addiction, his recovery, or his lack of recovery.

Your responsibility is you and your children, nothing else.

When you get these 'emotions' rolling over you and you feel just stopped in your tracks, first

Take a deep breath and hold it to the count of 10. Exhale.

Repeat 10 times.

This gets more oxygen to your brain, and allows your brain to slow down a bit.

Second, wherever you are, in whatever room you are in, picture it FILLED with all of us from SR supporting you and walking with you in spirit. It does help.


Third as you have just done, come here and post. We are here for you!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

peanut21

Thank you all. Just wanted to let you know I do NOT intend to lie for him I was just venting that it is what HE wanted me to do. I don't know how many have read the end of my UPDATE post but I am yes angry with his mother for helping him but for also having everything be about him instead of helping her grandkids. Putting me down and telling me I am not doing enough for my husband. That is what really hurts. She has not been the one cleaning up after him and taking care of him. It just frustrates me.

Just to let you know my son and I are taking a break and going to play bingo tonight just to forget for awhile and not try to worry about everything that is going on. Then tomorrow I am going to that meeting and try to learn things and start working on me.

Kindeyes

For me, the antidote to anger and resentment has been acceptance and gratitude. I have always "said" that I accept that I cannot change other people but until I finally believed it down to the very core of my being....I was stuck in anger and resentment.

You are taking some wonderful steps toward your own recovery.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

Now that's a darn good start. Trust yourself, trust your recovery and let everyone else take care of their own problems. You don't have to lie for anyone ever. It is honorable that you do not. Poo on anyone who doesn't like that.

You're doing fine and you will be okay.

Hugs

peanut21

Well it has been 5 days now. Other than that first time I have not heard from him again. I did not hear from the Dr either. I am glad he is there. Still getting a lot of flack from his mother but that is ok I am trying to ignore it as best I can. She still makes me angry because she refuses to see what is really going on and blaming me instead of him but it's ok. I am feeling ok with myself at the moment. I slept a lot the last couple of days I think just all the stress had worn my body down and I feel much better today. I went to the Al Anon meeting on Saturday it was a new experience for me. I just listened and was scared as I am not good with new people. I want to continue going and to learn more.

angie4

i too have a mother n law that would do ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING for her son. It is an aful place to be. I have told her truths in the past about her son (for guidance from the other woman in his life) and after she has spoken to him I am a liar. Never mind the fact that she has 2 sons that are addicts. It is aful and I am sorry for you. I am learning what kind of mother I want to be (or not be) by watching her. It is sad. Be strong and keep your head high.

Nina Kay

Way to go Peanut !!! You are doing all of the right things, in my humble opinion. Keep stepping forward towards a better life for you & your babies. Just one right next step at a time. We are all here for you. Keep telling yourself that what other people think about you is their problem & not yours. You can't control what others think of you & it's really not even your problem. Let your Mother-in-law deal with all of that. She is just in denial right now. Not your problem either. Just focus on you & your babies & try to make today as wonderful as possible.
**********************{Caring & Understanding Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

peanut21

angie4 I know exactly what you mean and if you read my thread update at the end I have some things and my mother in law has 3 sons who all are addicts and or alcoholics and it is very frustrating. Considering her children are all over the age of 30 and she still treats them like children. I have two boys one in college and another in the Marine Corps and they are not perfect and I know that. I would like to think I would not put someone through what I am going through as a mother in law. My son in the Marine Corps is married and expecting his first baby in December and I would hope that I would protect my grandchild if need be. I am learning everyday that I just need to keep moving on and ignore what she has to say. Although yesterday she texted me and asked what I was doing I told her I had been at a meeting she texted me 3 times asking with who. I told her by myself as I felt it was none of her business. Well I later get a text saying "For Gods sake who was the meeting with?" well I told her I was at Al-Anon but goodness knows is it really her business where I go and what I do?

Again I am trying to ignore it and know that I am doing the right thing for my husband. If he choses to continue this path he and his mother can have each other. I am working on finding my way out of this mess but it is taking me sometime.

Ann

Good for you for taking care of yourself.

Hopefully, one day, your MIL will see that she doesn't have to live in the black hell of her sons' addictions. But like the addict, only she can save herself.

Wrap yourself in your recovery and keep moving forward.

Hugs

MsPINKAcres

((peanut))

It was GREAT meeting you Saturday! SO SO SO glad you were able to make the meeting! I think it's so awesome to meet f2f (face to face) the people that we visit with on-line!
I can remember how hard it was to walk into that room for the first time ~ but it has been so worth it for me, I hope it helps you too!

Please keep doing those healthy things for you!! Remember YOU deserve them - regardless of what others may thing or say!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

peanut21

MsPinkAcres: It was very nice to meet you too. I was very overwhelmed but glad to hear that it has helped so many people. I did not realize that Al-Anon was only for drinking which my husband does not do a lot of unless he is using so he can use it as an excuse as to why he is like that which I know the difference so why he does it I don't know but can you still go if he doesn't drink? How do you talk about that? I was very glad to be there and plan to continue to go. Thank you again.

MissTara

I am glad to hear that you are going to those meetings peanut and still continue want to go!

peanut21

Well it has been 8 days now since he went into the hospital. Today is the first day I have heard from him. He sounds so much better but I know that is just temporary since he can't get anything from there. His mother has only texted me about once a day now and just asks if he has called. I did tell her that he called today and she asked me how it was when I asked her what she meant she said did you argue? I did not answer. If we argue or not is really none of her business. Although no we did not. He really did not say much of anything. Asked if there was any bad news he needed to know about before he got out. Why not sure. I don't even know what to expect when he comes home. I know nothing will change unless he wants it to. I did receive my books and have started reading them. I am learning things too. I have a feeling I will have to read them several times. It has been so quiet here I don't know if I want that to change.

Thanks to all for listening.

MsPINKAcres

((peanut))

YES most definitey can you still go to the meetings if your husband's problem isn't drinking!!

We do not have any Nar-Anon meetings in our area - so as time goes on and you get to know several people in that group - you will find many are in similiar situations. AND also you will find the meetings tend to focus on "us".
Whether the loved one is an alcoholic or an addict ~ the friends and family members usually have the same reactions, problems, heartaches and difficulties. That's what the meetings are for - to give support, to help us understand and to find a way to deal with the affects of these diseases.

And yes I still am learning NEW things when I read those books and I have been in the program almost 8 yrs!

Hope you have a great day!
PINK HUGS,
Rita