stressed, dad keeps looking for money
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 23
stressed, dad keeps looking for money
Hi all.. I posted here a couple of weeks ago about my dad drinking. I've still been reading posts and looking into ALA meetings, but not sure if they will be for me, maybe I'll try the online groups first.
Since my dad's been drinking heavily the past 2 years, been out of work the past year, one thing he does is always ask my mother or me for money. It's becoming so stressful. He's been the main driver in the house, and if we don't give him money for his addiction he says no rides to the grocery store. He's been drinking while driving anyway, so it's better not to get rides from anymore and to start taking the bus, even though it's a pain.
He's also been selling some of our (as well as his) belongings we had in the shed for money for his alcohol and cigarettes. He sold some collectible dolls I had, some old plates and jewelry I had from my grandmother as well as some video game stuff I had.. It just caused my blood to boil that he'd just sell stuff he knew I wanted to keep, and then not only that but I didn't get a dime from the stuff.
The thing is he then depends on my mother and me to buy the food and cook for him. If there's no food in the house he'll go next door to our neighbor and say he's starving and asks them for food. I did talk to my neighbor briefly last week and mentioned to stop giving my dad any booze and he said he actually hasn't been giving it to him lately and he said he sees when my dad is selling our stuff as soon as he gets money he goes and buys some vodka. He even said he's confused why my dad doesn't buy food with the money instead.
We are also in the processes of losing our house since he isn't working... the mortgage hasn't been paid in months and the house is going to go into foreclosure. He's been actually looking to try to sell the house before the bank gets it. He's saying he'll give my mom and me half of what he sells it for. But I just see this is a disaster if he does sell it. I can already see him blowing through the money within a year on booze and cigarettes, and once that money is gone he'll go back to asking my mother and me for money. I'd rather just let the bank have it and avoid the stress later.
I've just been so tired and exhausted from dealing it with it everyday. I spend so much energy worrying about him, on edge not knowing when he's going to fly off the handle either from the drinking or raging for money for his addiction...plus not being sure what's going to happen in the future.
sorry to be so long winded..I know there's no easy solutions and to just let things run there course
Since my dad's been drinking heavily the past 2 years, been out of work the past year, one thing he does is always ask my mother or me for money. It's becoming so stressful. He's been the main driver in the house, and if we don't give him money for his addiction he says no rides to the grocery store. He's been drinking while driving anyway, so it's better not to get rides from anymore and to start taking the bus, even though it's a pain.
He's also been selling some of our (as well as his) belongings we had in the shed for money for his alcohol and cigarettes. He sold some collectible dolls I had, some old plates and jewelry I had from my grandmother as well as some video game stuff I had.. It just caused my blood to boil that he'd just sell stuff he knew I wanted to keep, and then not only that but I didn't get a dime from the stuff.
The thing is he then depends on my mother and me to buy the food and cook for him. If there's no food in the house he'll go next door to our neighbor and say he's starving and asks them for food. I did talk to my neighbor briefly last week and mentioned to stop giving my dad any booze and he said he actually hasn't been giving it to him lately and he said he sees when my dad is selling our stuff as soon as he gets money he goes and buys some vodka. He even said he's confused why my dad doesn't buy food with the money instead.
We are also in the processes of losing our house since he isn't working... the mortgage hasn't been paid in months and the house is going to go into foreclosure. He's been actually looking to try to sell the house before the bank gets it. He's saying he'll give my mom and me half of what he sells it for. But I just see this is a disaster if he does sell it. I can already see him blowing through the money within a year on booze and cigarettes, and once that money is gone he'll go back to asking my mother and me for money. I'd rather just let the bank have it and avoid the stress later.
I've just been so tired and exhausted from dealing it with it everyday. I spend so much energy worrying about him, on edge not knowing when he's going to fly off the handle either from the drinking or raging for money for his addiction...plus not being sure what's going to happen in the future.
sorry to be so long winded..I know there's no easy solutions and to just let things run there course
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi,
I really, REALLY suggest trying some Al-Anon meetings. Try six meetings. Seriously. It will help a lot to be in the company of other people who know EXACTLY what you are going through.
You may have to "let things run their course" so far as his drinking is concerned, but there are things you and your mom can do for yourselves. I hope she will try some meetings, too.
Whose name is the house in? If it is in the name of both of your parents, your mom could talk to a lawyer to find out how to protect herself in this situation. If the house goes into foreclosure, it could badly damage her credit rating.
Hugs, keep posting, but do try some in-person meetings.
I really, REALLY suggest trying some Al-Anon meetings. Try six meetings. Seriously. It will help a lot to be in the company of other people who know EXACTLY what you are going through.
You may have to "let things run their course" so far as his drinking is concerned, but there are things you and your mom can do for yourselves. I hope she will try some meetings, too.
Whose name is the house in? If it is in the name of both of your parents, your mom could talk to a lawyer to find out how to protect herself in this situation. If the house goes into foreclosure, it could badly damage her credit rating.
Hugs, keep posting, but do try some in-person meetings.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Wow, asking the neighbors for food? Isn't it scary how they lose any sense of dignity? My STBXAH loves to have people care for him like he is a small child, he brags to me about so and so doing such a good job of taking care of him. I would be ASHAMED to have other people changing my peed on sheets and helping me take my medicine but I guess an alcoholic just doesn't care.
I think taking the bus, as annoying as it is, is a small price to pay to not give him something to lord over you. Also, as you said, it could be a safety issue.
I hope there are al-anon meetings you can get to. It is nice to not feel so alone.
I think taking the bus, as annoying as it is, is a small price to pay to not give him something to lord over you. Also, as you said, it could be a safety issue.
I hope there are al-anon meetings you can get to. It is nice to not feel so alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 23
yeah, he'll go by the neighbors, but there are some churches here that have big signs for a food bank but he wouldn't go into one of them. I guess he knows that's also where he could go for AA meetings and is worried someone there might suggest them to him.
I'm not sure about the lawyer thing. Money is an issue, my mom isn't too bright with issues like this and it might be work I have to do and if the house isn't under my name I'm not sure I have rights. I guess right now I'm looking for resources and what I can do if he goes through with selling the house. Besides shelters and such, since losing everything would just be harder than it already is.
Then there's the emotional part, I'm thinking I don't want to ever talk to him again after this. Or maybe I'll go through a few years of needing to cool off, and whos knows, he might kill himself from the drinking by then. Then I think how could he do this to his family? He's not even attempting to get help. He says he's waiting to hit rock bottom before getting help, and it feels like he is bringing us down in the process.
Reading through the other posts I see these are all pretty common feelings to be having...
I'm not sure about the lawyer thing. Money is an issue, my mom isn't too bright with issues like this and it might be work I have to do and if the house isn't under my name I'm not sure I have rights. I guess right now I'm looking for resources and what I can do if he goes through with selling the house. Besides shelters and such, since losing everything would just be harder than it already is.
Then there's the emotional part, I'm thinking I don't want to ever talk to him again after this. Or maybe I'll go through a few years of needing to cool off, and whos knows, he might kill himself from the drinking by then. Then I think how could he do this to his family? He's not even attempting to get help. He says he's waiting to hit rock bottom before getting help, and it feels like he is bringing us down in the process.
Reading through the other posts I see these are all pretty common feelings to be having...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, they are definitely common feelings to be having, but you don't need to be at the mercy of your feelings.
You can find the deed to the house at your County offices, most likely. Those are public records, and anyone can get access to them. Make a phone call to your County Clerk and tell them you are looking for the deed and any recorded mortgages, liens, etc., on the house.
That's number one. Then, make a few phone calls to family lawyers and find out how much they would charge for a consultation. Some will do it for free, or for a very low fee. Your mom should at least know how she can best protect herself from losing everything. She can take copy of the deed with her. If your mom won't do anything to protect herself, you can at least get YOUR stuff out of the house so Dad can't sell off your belongings. If nothing else, you can rent a storage container.
You can find the deed to the house at your County offices, most likely. Those are public records, and anyone can get access to them. Make a phone call to your County Clerk and tell them you are looking for the deed and any recorded mortgages, liens, etc., on the house.
That's number one. Then, make a few phone calls to family lawyers and find out how much they would charge for a consultation. Some will do it for free, or for a very low fee. Your mom should at least know how she can best protect herself from losing everything. She can take copy of the deed with her. If your mom won't do anything to protect herself, you can at least get YOUR stuff out of the house so Dad can't sell off your belongings. If nothing else, you can rent a storage container.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Yes, they are definitely common feelings to be having, but you don't need to be at the mercy of your feelings.
You can find the deed to the house at your County offices, most likely. Those are public records, and anyone can get access to them. Make a phone call to your County Clerk and tell them you are looking for the deed and any recorded mortgages, liens, etc., on the house.
That's number one. Then, make a few phone calls to family lawyers and find out how much they would charge for a consultation. Some will do it for free, or for a very low fee. Your mom should at least know how she can best protect herself from losing everything. She can take copy of the deed with her. If your mom won't do anything to protect herself, you can at least get YOUR stuff out of the house so Dad can't sell off your belongings. If nothing else, you can rent a storage container.
You can find the deed to the house at your County offices, most likely. Those are public records, and anyone can get access to them. Make a phone call to your County Clerk and tell them you are looking for the deed and any recorded mortgages, liens, etc., on the house.
That's number one. Then, make a few phone calls to family lawyers and find out how much they would charge for a consultation. Some will do it for free, or for a very low fee. Your mom should at least know how she can best protect herself from losing everything. She can take copy of the deed with her. If your mom won't do anything to protect herself, you can at least get YOUR stuff out of the house so Dad can't sell off your belongings. If nothing else, you can rent a storage container.
You can find the owner of record from your computer, OP. Just look up your county clerk's office, click on the area of appraisal district/property records, etc. There will be an area you can type in your address and do an owner search. Usually if you use one of your last names the search will be quicker. If you have trouble with it, do call the county clerk's office for help.
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