What it means to be "Free"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
What it means to be "Free"
I thought I would share a bit of my own experience, strength, and hope today that is not a cliche.
Today I am free.
Last night I didn't need to drink, today I don't need to drink, and I believe that tonight I also won't need to drink.
I don't need to wonder what I said on the phone last night or wonder what I need to apologize for.
Since I am now free of having to drink I also no longer have to accept less than what my real abilities and skills will afford me if I choose not to.
I am free to leave my job!
What I mean is, I can begin to work on a design for my own design for my life. I was demoted in Septmeber from a very high level position in my company and punished by moving to one that is menial, unrewarding, and drives me crazy. As a company, they have also demonstrated they are not interested in moving the direction of how I see my career path.
I have spent the last month and a half in work-hell. I believed it was my pennance for my "bad deeds." Our AA topic last night was the daily mediation which discussed being free. I had one more disillusioning discussion with my manager today and it finally clicked - I don't HAVE to be here just like I don't HAVE to drink. I am free to choose! I can't remember the last time I felt like this.
Today I am free to do the best that I know. I am learning to be confident in who I really am and what I can really do. I can be honest with myself. I can check pride at the door and be honest with others. I don't need to fake it anymore. What you see is what you get - and I'm ok with that.
While I still have times of extreme difficulty in sobriety, it's mostly been learning to live life on life's terms. I've got something really great teed up for a new job already and talked to a struggling friend in recovery about hitting a meeting together tonight or grabbing some coffee.
Peace and Strength
-SPG
Today I am free.
Last night I didn't need to drink, today I don't need to drink, and I believe that tonight I also won't need to drink.
I don't need to wonder what I said on the phone last night or wonder what I need to apologize for.
Since I am now free of having to drink I also no longer have to accept less than what my real abilities and skills will afford me if I choose not to.
I am free to leave my job!
What I mean is, I can begin to work on a design for my own design for my life. I was demoted in Septmeber from a very high level position in my company and punished by moving to one that is menial, unrewarding, and drives me crazy. As a company, they have also demonstrated they are not interested in moving the direction of how I see my career path.
I have spent the last month and a half in work-hell. I believed it was my pennance for my "bad deeds." Our AA topic last night was the daily mediation which discussed being free. I had one more disillusioning discussion with my manager today and it finally clicked - I don't HAVE to be here just like I don't HAVE to drink. I am free to choose! I can't remember the last time I felt like this.
Today I am free to do the best that I know. I am learning to be confident in who I really am and what I can really do. I can be honest with myself. I can check pride at the door and be honest with others. I don't need to fake it anymore. What you see is what you get - and I'm ok with that.
While I still have times of extreme difficulty in sobriety, it's mostly been learning to live life on life's terms. I've got something really great teed up for a new job already and talked to a struggling friend in recovery about hitting a meeting together tonight or grabbing some coffee.
Peace and Strength
-SPG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
I am so glad to read about how sobriety is improving your life SPG! It's funny how we drink to bolster ourselves but really become more frightened. I've gone to the same job both hungover and sober. And I know that sober I'm far more prepared to face challenges.
So with your new sobriety, you have a clear view of your job and are ready to make decisions! Congratulations. I guess I would recommend that you not get yourself into too stressful a situation by changing though. Can you leave your current job in concert with making the improvements?
So with your new sobriety, you have a clear view of your job and are ready to make decisions! Congratulations. I guess I would recommend that you not get yourself into too stressful a situation by changing though. Can you leave your current job in concert with making the improvements?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
@Missy - I would be leaving my current job and getting into a more specific technology side of the industry that I really enjoy and have become quite adept at.
The last 4 1/2 months have been an excersize in not just quitting drinking, but more importantly, a total make-over in understanding myself, my real abilities, my real goals, and overall perception of the world.
Since I'm going to AA meetings 3-8 times a week we spend a lot of time discussing "percepetion vs fact." Earlier I met with another colleague and said "Here's my take on what's happening and here are my reasons for thinking that." I was quite frank about it and said - "you know what I've been going through and I'm fully prepared for you to tell me I've got it all wrong and will listen to why." Six month ago I would have just said "this is F'd...I'm going to do something else" and proceeded with no plan and no takeaways from experience.
What seems to be clear is that people respect those that will allow their opinions and thoughts to be criticized in a way that is meant to help them. AA has helped me get the tools to work (daily) past false pride and real shame and learn that I'm not either the most awesome guy in the world after a minor achievement or that the sky is falling after a minor setback.
This new clarity, slow as it comes, is quite refreshing. Being proactive vs. reactive finally. I'm finally able to distinguish between a house fire and a candle.
The last 4 1/2 months have been an excersize in not just quitting drinking, but more importantly, a total make-over in understanding myself, my real abilities, my real goals, and overall perception of the world.
Since I'm going to AA meetings 3-8 times a week we spend a lot of time discussing "percepetion vs fact." Earlier I met with another colleague and said "Here's my take on what's happening and here are my reasons for thinking that." I was quite frank about it and said - "you know what I've been going through and I'm fully prepared for you to tell me I've got it all wrong and will listen to why." Six month ago I would have just said "this is F'd...I'm going to do something else" and proceeded with no plan and no takeaways from experience.
What seems to be clear is that people respect those that will allow their opinions and thoughts to be criticized in a way that is meant to help them. AA has helped me get the tools to work (daily) past false pride and real shame and learn that I'm not either the most awesome guy in the world after a minor achievement or that the sky is falling after a minor setback.
This new clarity, slow as it comes, is quite refreshing. Being proactive vs. reactive finally. I'm finally able to distinguish between a house fire and a candle.
Last edited by StPeteGrad; 06-24-2011 at 08:49 AM. Reason: fixed it.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by StPeteGrad 
What seems to be clear is that people respect those that will allow their opinions and thoughts to be criticized in a way that is meant to help them. AA has helped me get the tools to work (daily) past false pride and real shame and learn that I'm not either the most awesome guy in the world after a minor achievement or that the sky is falling after a minor setback.
This new clarity, slow as it comes, is quite refreshing. Being proactive vs. reactive finally. I'm finally able to distinguish between a house fire and a candle.
This new clarity, slow as it comes, is quite refreshing. Being proactive vs. reactive finally. I'm finally able to distinguish between a house fire and a candle.
It doesn't come without a price though, my ego was bruised and beaten, and there was and is pain in the growth, but when I get to the other side, the view is absolutly wonderful and lasting.
In short, I put myself in positions to suceed now, where I used to put myself (over and over and over) in positions to fail. Sometimes this comes with action and sometimes it comes from me not doing anything at all.
Life is guud
Kjell~
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