Alcoholic wife left for another man after 2 months of marriage...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2
Alcoholic wife left for another man after 2 months of marriage...
Hi, I am new to the forum. I wanted to share my story in hopes that I don't feel as alone and worthless as I do right now. Here is a quick recap:
My wife is an alcoholic. Has been for close to 10 years. She has tried to get sober a couple of times but always ends up relapsing. We were married in April. In the beginning of May her boss ended up driving her home because she went to the bar next door to her work and got drunk after she was off. She called me a couple of hours later, clearly intoxicated, and told me that she locked her keys in the salon she works and had to call her boss to let her in. She lied and told me she hadn't been drinking. He called me back and said he wanted to drive her home because he didn't feel like she was safe to drive. When she got home I tried to explain that she had a problem and it was destroying our new marriage (I know doing this while she was intoxicated was pointless). I went to bed. A little later in the night I heard something in the kitchen and went to see what it was. She was standing by the sink with an entire bottle of asprin, poured out into her head. I quickly grabbed it away from her. She then pushed me aside and tried to grab whatever medicine she could from the cabinet and drink it. At this point I called 911. She then locked herself in the bathroom and cut her wrist with a pair of scissors. EMS came and took her to the hospital where she was put on suicide watch. They then sent her to a crisis center for suicide attempt and alcoholism. They also put her on Celxa.
She was released a couple of days later and for the past month stayed sober but did not go to any AA meetings or follow up with her outpatient.
Last monday she took my son to the pool. She sent me a text around 2pm that said she loved me. Then three hours later, dropped my son off at home, packed a bookbag with some clothes and said she felt smothered and needed space so she was going to stay at a friends. I could tell she had been drinking and I asked her if she had. She said yes but she felt this way before that. I told her it wasnt a good idea to leave especially since she had relapsed because she was probably just going to drink. She left.
She hasn't been home since. I have only talked to her a couple of times and each time she has told me that she is unhappy and needs to be "alone" to get counseling and learn to "love herself". Her brother, who's girlfriend works with my wife, came over 2 days ago and said that he had just found out that my wife is staying with a male co-worker and apparently has been messing around with him for 4 months. Some co-workers from work caught them making out in a closet and they were seen at a bar over the weekend kissing and telling people that they were "together" now. She still denies it and is treating me like absolute ****. I have dont nothing but try to be as supportive and understanding and loving throughout our entire relationship.
Her boss called her mom, concerned because this co-worker is also an alcoholic and shows up to work smelling like alcohol and he is worried about my wife being around him. He also does cocaine.
I'm just blown away. A couple of weeks before the wedding she was staying out late drinking or not coming home and I said I was thinking about postponing the wedding because something was up. She begged me not to. Two weeks ago she was telling me how much she loved me and wanted to have a baby with me. How can someone do something like this? Is it her addiction? Did she choose a life with alcohol over a sober life because she knew after the last episode I wouldn't accept her drinking? What kind of person is having an affair and in the middle of it gets married? Even after they are offered a way out? All of her friends and family are blown away. No one knows what to do.
PS She also stopped taking her meds a day before she left and she has tried to kill herself in the past.
I'm sorry this is so long. I tried to summarize it up as best as I could. I just feel broken right now so any insight or support would be appreciated. I have gone to a couple of al-anon meetings and it helps a little. thanks.
My wife is an alcoholic. Has been for close to 10 years. She has tried to get sober a couple of times but always ends up relapsing. We were married in April. In the beginning of May her boss ended up driving her home because she went to the bar next door to her work and got drunk after she was off. She called me a couple of hours later, clearly intoxicated, and told me that she locked her keys in the salon she works and had to call her boss to let her in. She lied and told me she hadn't been drinking. He called me back and said he wanted to drive her home because he didn't feel like she was safe to drive. When she got home I tried to explain that she had a problem and it was destroying our new marriage (I know doing this while she was intoxicated was pointless). I went to bed. A little later in the night I heard something in the kitchen and went to see what it was. She was standing by the sink with an entire bottle of asprin, poured out into her head. I quickly grabbed it away from her. She then pushed me aside and tried to grab whatever medicine she could from the cabinet and drink it. At this point I called 911. She then locked herself in the bathroom and cut her wrist with a pair of scissors. EMS came and took her to the hospital where she was put on suicide watch. They then sent her to a crisis center for suicide attempt and alcoholism. They also put her on Celxa.
She was released a couple of days later and for the past month stayed sober but did not go to any AA meetings or follow up with her outpatient.
Last monday she took my son to the pool. She sent me a text around 2pm that said she loved me. Then three hours later, dropped my son off at home, packed a bookbag with some clothes and said she felt smothered and needed space so she was going to stay at a friends. I could tell she had been drinking and I asked her if she had. She said yes but she felt this way before that. I told her it wasnt a good idea to leave especially since she had relapsed because she was probably just going to drink. She left.
She hasn't been home since. I have only talked to her a couple of times and each time she has told me that she is unhappy and needs to be "alone" to get counseling and learn to "love herself". Her brother, who's girlfriend works with my wife, came over 2 days ago and said that he had just found out that my wife is staying with a male co-worker and apparently has been messing around with him for 4 months. Some co-workers from work caught them making out in a closet and they were seen at a bar over the weekend kissing and telling people that they were "together" now. She still denies it and is treating me like absolute ****. I have dont nothing but try to be as supportive and understanding and loving throughout our entire relationship.
Her boss called her mom, concerned because this co-worker is also an alcoholic and shows up to work smelling like alcohol and he is worried about my wife being around him. He also does cocaine.
I'm just blown away. A couple of weeks before the wedding she was staying out late drinking or not coming home and I said I was thinking about postponing the wedding because something was up. She begged me not to. Two weeks ago she was telling me how much she loved me and wanted to have a baby with me. How can someone do something like this? Is it her addiction? Did she choose a life with alcohol over a sober life because she knew after the last episode I wouldn't accept her drinking? What kind of person is having an affair and in the middle of it gets married? Even after they are offered a way out? All of her friends and family are blown away. No one knows what to do.
PS She also stopped taking her meds a day before she left and she has tried to kill herself in the past.
I'm sorry this is so long. I tried to summarize it up as best as I could. I just feel broken right now so any insight or support would be appreciated. I have gone to a couple of al-anon meetings and it helps a little. thanks.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry you are going through this. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, but I'm sure deep down you know that. She is an alcoholic and she's doing some of the crazy stuff alcoholics do. There is probably some other stuff going on in addition to the alcohol. She clearly has issues.
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Continue going to al-anon meetings. They are quite helpful. I hope you'll stay around and post and read other peoples stories. You are not alone.
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. Continue going to al-anon meetings. They are quite helpful. I hope you'll stay around and post and read other peoples stories. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Welcome to SR Keith!
I can't give you any good explanation/answer for why your wife is doing what she's doing. She probably doesn't even really understand why she's doing what she's doing.
It's hard loving an alcoholic - it makes us sick and crazy. Keep going to Al-anon - get a sponsor and start working the steps. I've started reading Codependent No More (highly recommended by folks here and in Al-anon)... and it's starting to help me understand ME and why I've done the things I've done, and how I can change ME.
Keep coming back - I'm glad you found us!
-Shannon
I can't give you any good explanation/answer for why your wife is doing what she's doing. She probably doesn't even really understand why she's doing what she's doing.
It's hard loving an alcoholic - it makes us sick and crazy. Keep going to Al-anon - get a sponsor and start working the steps. I've started reading Codependent No More (highly recommended by folks here and in Al-anon)... and it's starting to help me understand ME and why I've done the things I've done, and how I can change ME.
Keep coming back - I'm glad you found us!
-Shannon
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
We do understand.
We have survived and we will share our experience, strength and hope (ES&H) with you.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I am sorry for your pain.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect as a partner in life.
I encourage you to continue attending Alanon meetings, read/post here, and seek counseling if possible.
This is a helpful tip I learned when I first discovered SR, it's the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took me awhile to accept that the addiction belonged to the other person. It was harder to let go of trying to control the other person, and I felt as if I was giving up hope when I stopped trying to heal the other person with my love.
But, what happened was I got my life back. I began to take care of, control and heal the only person I could - myself (and my minor children).
Please let your child know that he did not cause the seperation, or the problems. Let him know that he is loved and appreciated.
Let us know how we can help you
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
We do understand.
We have survived and we will share our experience, strength and hope (ES&H) with you.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I am sorry for your pain.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect as a partner in life.
I encourage you to continue attending Alanon meetings, read/post here, and seek counseling if possible.
This is a helpful tip I learned when I first discovered SR, it's the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
It took me awhile to accept that the addiction belonged to the other person. It was harder to let go of trying to control the other person, and I felt as if I was giving up hope when I stopped trying to heal the other person with my love.
But, what happened was I got my life back. I began to take care of, control and heal the only person I could - myself (and my minor children).
Please let your child know that he did not cause the seperation, or the problems. Let him know that he is loved and appreciated.
Let us know how we can help you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I don't have any words of wisdom to add to those already posted. I just wanted to welcome you to SR. I encourage you to read the stickies at the top and stick around. SR has been such a life saver for me in my journey. I'm sorry for the painful place you find yourself right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I am sorry that you are going through this. Glad you found us here, and welcome. 
There is nothing you can do to stop the crazy train your wife is riding on.
There is nothing her family can do
There is nothing her boss can do.
She is the only one who can help herself, and from the looks of it, she doesn't want help. The only option you truly have is to help yourself and your son, and get the he!! out of her way.
You knew she had a problem when you married her, but chose to ignore it. Most of us have been there. I thought there were things I could do to make my ex stop drinking, or words I could say that would make him want to be a better person and not spend so much time in the bar doing drugs. But there wasn't, isn't, and never will be anything that we can say, do, beg, plead, yell, whisper, convince, negotiate, or bargain to this disease that will win, because the disease has nothing to do with us. It's her problem, and only she can deal with it. If she even wants to, which she doesn't. Again, her choice.
Please read some of the other stories in here, about how As lie, manipulate, and scheme to get what they need from those around them. Active alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. Read some stories about long term relationships and marriages with alcoholics: divorces, separations, rehabs, relapses and binges, insanity.. the horror that your life would have been if she hadn't left you.
In time you may realize that her leaving was the greatest gift she could have given you and your son. You deserve better, and so does he.
There is nothing you can do to stop the crazy train your wife is riding on.
There is nothing her family can do
There is nothing her boss can do.
She is the only one who can help herself, and from the looks of it, she doesn't want help. The only option you truly have is to help yourself and your son, and get the he!! out of her way.
You knew she had a problem when you married her, but chose to ignore it. Most of us have been there. I thought there were things I could do to make my ex stop drinking, or words I could say that would make him want to be a better person and not spend so much time in the bar doing drugs. But there wasn't, isn't, and never will be anything that we can say, do, beg, plead, yell, whisper, convince, negotiate, or bargain to this disease that will win, because the disease has nothing to do with us. It's her problem, and only she can deal with it. If she even wants to, which she doesn't. Again, her choice.
Please read some of the other stories in here, about how As lie, manipulate, and scheme to get what they need from those around them. Active alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. Read some stories about long term relationships and marriages with alcoholics: divorces, separations, rehabs, relapses and binges, insanity.. the horror that your life would have been if she hadn't left you.
In time you may realize that her leaving was the greatest gift she could have given you and your son. You deserve better, and so does he.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Wow! It sounds like things have been chaotic, to say the least. Glad you found SR. Tons of good information and support here. Like Thumper said, read the stickies at the top. It really helps put some perspective on your situation.
Be kind to yourself right now. You need your energy. Remind yourself that her choices are because of her and not because of YOU. That really helped me when I was dealing with infidelity.
Be kind to yourself right now. You need your energy. Remind yourself that her choices are because of her and not because of YOU. That really helped me when I was dealing with infidelity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for the replies. I'm just scared she doesn't have a rock bottom or that her rock bottom is death. I just can't imagine her ever getting help especially if she couldn't get it in the supportive environment that I provided her. I hope that she does. I know its selfish but I would just like an "I'm sorry" so at least I know she feels guilty for what she's done to me and my son. I know I will probably never get that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Hello keithcord and welcome to SR.
I'm happy you found us but sad that you had to.
My wife is currently recovering and so am I. I'm working my codependent issues and I am not the alcoholic or drug user.
As many before me stated, she may not know why she's doing what she's doing but you'll also read that actions always speak louder than words. I completely understand your need to hear her say sorry. I can't say that I got many apologies myself and when I did, I didn't believe it.
I have a 2 year old son and my recovery includes taking care of me first and him second.
Keep reading and keep posting. There is a priceless amount of information/knowledge and support to be found here.
I'm happy you found us but sad that you had to.
My wife is currently recovering and so am I. I'm working my codependent issues and I am not the alcoholic or drug user.
As many before me stated, she may not know why she's doing what she's doing but you'll also read that actions always speak louder than words. I completely understand your need to hear her say sorry. I can't say that I got many apologies myself and when I did, I didn't believe it.
I have a 2 year old son and my recovery includes taking care of me first and him second.
Keep reading and keep posting. There is a priceless amount of information/knowledge and support to be found here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Welcome to the board. I'm living with an alcoholic wife, probably dealing with some of the same frustrations and feelings you are. My AW simply will not seek help, or even admit she has a problem. From what I've read here, that's a common alcoholic trait.
Often I find myself feeling guilty for not forcing her to quit. Part of me thinks I should be able to solve this problem. My daughter, 18, has tried intervention a couple of times, but it never lasts. She's reached a point where she's trying to let it go, and I'm encouraging her to do so.
You'll find lots of good advice and maybe even some comfort here.
Good Luck with your situation.
Often I find myself feeling guilty for not forcing her to quit. Part of me thinks I should be able to solve this problem. My daughter, 18, has tried intervention a couple of times, but it never lasts. She's reached a point where she's trying to let it go, and I'm encouraging her to do so.
You'll find lots of good advice and maybe even some comfort here.
Good Luck with your situation.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Hi Keith 
As someone around here likes to say, "Glad you found us, sorry you had to"....
and now that you're here, know that many of us have experienced and witnessed some of the same kind of crazy-making you've described. We are all on different steps to our recovery and we will share with you some successes (and maybe some misfires) so you can pick and choose what might help and work for you.
I loved the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and plan to sink my teeth into other books by this author in addition to attending face-to-face Al-anon meetings and posting and reading here. That's been the formula for my peace at this time. I think it works differently for each individual situation, but that's what's working for me, TODAY.
(((HUGS))) to you and your son today. I have a son, too, and I keep him in mind when I make choices for my life, as it directly affects him.
As someone around here likes to say, "Glad you found us, sorry you had to"....
and now that you're here, know that many of us have experienced and witnessed some of the same kind of crazy-making you've described. We are all on different steps to our recovery and we will share with you some successes (and maybe some misfires) so you can pick and choose what might help and work for you.
I loved the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and plan to sink my teeth into other books by this author in addition to attending face-to-face Al-anon meetings and posting and reading here. That's been the formula for my peace at this time. I think it works differently for each individual situation, but that's what's working for me, TODAY.
(((HUGS))) to you and your son today. I have a son, too, and I keep him in mind when I make choices for my life, as it directly affects him.
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