justjo

There was a loud knock at the door.. it was my son who I havent seen for many months. Hi mum he said and we gave each other big hug & kiss.
He stayed for 2 hours just sitting on the lounge talking. He looked good and had put on some weight.
I'll admit I had sent him a text a few days ago "have you forgotten you have a mum" Love you. so Im guessing it moved him along.
But, here I go again, have I done the right thing?? He got a job, looks like he is off drugs and hes low on money. His car brakes are shot, grinding on metal and he needs to get to work. I rang the mechanic up the road and arranged for him to do it today and paid for it over the phone. He arranged for his girlfriend to drop the car off. Its done and paid for and told him it is his birthday present for next month.
Today Im feeling like - have I just enabled him again or is it ok to know that he is driving around safely.
I was just so glad to see him again but also feeling like - ok has he got me again? I cried when he left because I miss him so much.

LexieCat

Weeel, maybe a teensy bit, but it sounds like he is making an effort, and it's his birthday present. I don't think "not enabling" means you can never do anything nice or helpful for anyone. You aren't rescuing him from anything he's done wrong, you supported his efforts to do better (working, staying off drugs).

I'm glad you had a nice visit. Being a mom is sometimes tough even without the substance abuse issues--trust me on that one!

Ponder

Well, you could look at it this way, you prevented him from getting in an accident and possibly hurting someone else because of faulty brakes. I dunno.. knew at learning all this.

MeredithD1

IMHO, if you gave him the money to fix the car, that would lean more toward "enabling" than what you did. And what a great present!

justjo

Oh yeah meredith, the only way I would do it, was to pay for it myself to make sure the money went to the right place. I felt afraid for him and thought 'I cant have him driving around with faulty brakes' so I made it his birthday present. Lexie, thanks, Id like to think I can do something nice for my kids without it seeming like Im giving in. he didnt even ask me for it, I offered.
See he lived with me up until 5-6 months ago, he stole alot of money from me and Im sure it was for drugs blah...so I told him he had to live somewhere else, Id had enough. I dont see him now, he has only called me twice, so I felt a little guilty doing what I did. I dunno, being a mum is like being a bl--dy psychiatrist (did I spell that right).

tjp613

I'm in that situation myself right now. My AS20 is doing much better than he was, but still not at the place I'd like to see him and has been calling to give me updates on his bad tires...LOL. He's back in school and (supposedly) doing well and my problem is that I want to rush in and reward this behavior! Mind you I have not even seen any grades, but jeez I just want to HELP HIM! It's so hard to let them go. He's 20 for crying out loud and I want to treat him like he's 15.

So yeah, I hear you, and I think it's OK that you did his brakes for his BD gift. I'm sure my son will get a similar "gift" in August. We're doing the best we can and that's all we can do.

(((Hugs)))

Fandy

I hope his upward trend continues...time will tell and instead of awfulizing it, think positive...if you see him in the next couple of weeks, you can tell if he is still in a good place.

might he think that this is a sign of forgiveness for stealing the $$???

Freedom1990

You did spell psychiatrist right!

I think you did fine. Paying the money directly to the mechanic isn't enabling in my eyes.

Hugs from one momma to another!

Pelican

No opinion, just sending support, encouragement and hugs

(((JustJo))))

cmc

jjo....
A huge factor for me when I'm trying to sort out whether it's enabling or not is to try to come to a decision by doing what I can live with, in light of all I know.

Always second guessing myself made me almost as crazy as when I didn't know what was the 'right' or 'wrong' thing to do. That's when I began to learn how to trust myself a bit in light of what I already know about this disease.

It's so scary when the stakes are so high.Like alot of us here...I think that a good deal of the agonizing over some action or inaction of mine, involves how I feel that I might impact that other person. The truth is that I still have nothing to do with their future choices.

At one point I usually find that I can to put an end to the what if's and just do (or accept what is done) it and try to move on. Of course I often just lie awake at night and wonder a bit...just like you are now.

I'm so happy to hear that your meeting with him went well. I hope he's finding his way to a better life.

You're a good mom, you love your son and did something to keep him safe on the road.

Please reach both arms around your shoulders and give yourself a gentle hug.

dollydo

Sounds like you did just fine! I am glad that you enjoyed the visit.

justjo

TJP, Im sorry you are going through this with your AS, It is heartwrenching to watch them lie, hurt themselves, do horrible things, especially to their family. Its not my son, but it is in my eyes (I brought him up better than that - what the?) goes through my mind. I have dealt with addicts during my life, so I have been much better prepared this time. My Love goes out to you.

Fandy, this crossed my mind too "a sign of forgiveness" I offered the $ and said I was doing it for his own safety. I cant have him driving around with his gf like that, it would do my head in. You may be right here, my son tends to bury his head in the sand to avoid anything, but he does know mum isnt happy. I dont want this ugliness over the money to go on forever. he knows he did wrong.

Freedom, I was always a good speller but age has me 'how do u spell that again?" Hugs back to you beautiful lady.

Thanks for your support Pelican, I love seeing you around.

Cmc, Your my kind of girl. I dont tend to 'second guess' as much these days. When my sister passed away, I made a decision that I was never going through that again. I try to live with my decisions, but loving 3 sons isnt easy, thats why I posted after all this time. Im so tired ya know, Need peace but especially seeing my darling son, gave me some peace at least. Sometimes I just feel like Im always helping them, then yeah, start wondering about the choices i just made. Im getting alot better.

Thanks dolly, I love reading your posts. I wonder when I'll hear from him again.

JJ

Fandy

I know lots of offspring and adults who have Ostrich syndrome Jo.....I hope there is strong improvement for your son and you and he re-build a relationship as he matures.....(i think it is always P-S-Y-.....like psycho, lol)....for the trivia record the proper spelling of Ophthalmologist (it's always h-t-h).

Seren

(((Jo))) I"m glad you got to see your son! I hope that he will continue to make that next right decision!

Hugs and prayers, HG