FindingPeace1

So, the letter from the judge came today.

My marriage is over.

It was rather...anticlimatic.

I think, now that my XAH has moved away and put my stuff in storage, he has gone NC with me!

Weird.

I feel an eerie silence.

That's just me sitting with me, I guess.

That's sad.

I feel very...numb.

p

Freedom1990

Would a hug help?

I too remember my divorce being anticlimactic.

My problem was I couldn't just sit with me, and so I relation-hopped.

It was a long and painful 13 years to follow.

Be true to yourself, okay?

LaPinturaBella

Ahhhhh...anti-climatic sounds like the perfect description. Take this time to acknowledge it and take yourself out to do something for you. You'll get better with the "sitting with yourself."

Seren

(((FP))) Yes, I remember that feeling when I found out my divorce was final....just silence, as if the world had just stopped turning for a bit.

Please be kind to yourself through this time....it will pass.

HG

vujade

((((FP)))) Yesterday a friend of mine posted this on FB: Sometimes divorce really sucks and other times it just sucks.

Thinking of you.

TakingCharge999

All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.
-Blaise Pascal

TakingCharge999

Congrats on your new freedom!! where's the party? (with virgin pina coladas??)

Spa?
Manicure?
Hair makeover?
New dress?
New shoes?
Plan a short holiday?
Good book and tea?
Theater tickets?
Concert?
VIP movie?

All of the above?

FindingPeace1

Yah, Freedom. A hug would help. I think my friends have heard about it for so long they are kind of over it.
Not kind of.
I was a serial monogomoust.
I recognize that trap and am NOWHERE near it now.
Time for me. I get that.

Hydro - I have done so much concious "taking care of me" I feel like a big selfish blob!
The other side of me recognizes that taking care of me is a lifetime project and it is OKAY to do it. I am working on that one.
I am fragile and needy right now and can ask for extra hugs. That's okay. I'll keep reminding myself.

Anvil - I do have that part of me that says, "wasn't I enough to fight for? Didn't he love me enough to NOT let me go?"
I know that is poppycock and I tell that voice so.

SKW - love it.

TC - I know. I'm working on it.
As for the party...I know people who have thrown a divorce party. I am not yet there...I even considered a ceremony (solemn as I feel)...maybe even with just me. But I feel very resistant to it.
I'd expect that's more denial (even though its over).
I can't decide whether I should plan one anyway (to help process) or just give myself some time.

Thumper

Maybe do something not so much pampering or celebrating or even a ceremony - just something comforting. A favorite meal, eating out, renting a movie, phone call with a good friend and no need to talk about the divorce. That is what I did anyway. Oh, and took a day off from doing laundry, lol.

outonalimb

I thought the day my divorce became final would be a day of happiness...of freedom...of celebration.

Instead, it was a day of great sadness for me.

You've been through one one of life's most traumatic experiences. Isn't divorce in the top 2 or 3? Give yourself time to heal....as much time as you need.

Big hugs and understanding...
Mary

Carol Star

A friend of mine described it as "surgery with a hacksaw"..........ouch.

LexieCat

Hugs, FP,

I'm sure you have a lot of mixed feelings right now. But things will settle down, and in a bit you will be glad for the relative stability of life post-marriage. Give yourself some time, it gets better.

Shellcrusher

Is there any relief mixed with the anticlimactic numbness?

Tuffgirl

I took today off - signing those papers yesterday was hard. I am feeling many different emotions today, and imagine I will again when I get the letter that the dissolution is final.

Relief? Some...yes...I feel relieved that I can move forward with my life. But like FP says - there are fleeting thoughts of me not being "good enough" to work on it, instead of just giving up. I have to fight to keep my head back at the place that knows this really isn't about me as a person. The feeling of being lonely is so familiar after 3 years of being lonely in a marriage.

I recognize I am grieving, but the hard part is what I am grieving for...it wasn't real to begin with so it's like I am grieving a fantasy. I won't even call it a dream anymore. It was a fantasy to think I could have had any kind of relationship with a long-time alcoholic, and if he stays in recovery, it will be years before he grows up emotionally to be able to have an intimate relationship with anyone.

FP - I feel you today. I am right here, alone, feeling the same things. Take care of you. Allow yourself to feel - the only way through it is through it.

FindingPeace1

There isn't any relief.
I don't reget it. I know what challenges I faced with him.
I just get a different bunch of sadness with this choice.
I think this will pass and I will be open to new things, but right now I feel ugh.
Natural, of course.

I am taking care of myself this weekend.
I want to not have this be happening, but I continue to work on being here, now.

Hugs to you, Tuff Girl.

p

theuncertainty

I LOVE this. Poppycock! Fun word for the day. Also try: Well, that's a load of hooey!

Endings are so confusing, because they're not really endings are they? I love one of the books that DS and I found: When the Wind Stops by Charlotte Zolotow, because it talks about things changing, not really ending, just changing. When the wind stops here, it blows over there; when the summer ends, it's fall....

It's different. We don't need to feel happy about the end of a relationship - we don't have to feel sad about. We just have to feel how we feel about it and that feeling will very likely change as we grow and change.

Big bear hug, FindingPeace. Wishing you continued strength and peace.

m1k3

((((hugs))))

I now know that divorce is my next step, after the grand kids come and visit.

But with the week I just had anti-climatic sounds good.

Your friend,

whereisthisgoin

Oh fp, I feel for you. I'm also paying attention because I'm a few footsteps right behind you. The absolute toughest part about splitting from the A is that there's no good choice. Life with them -> sucks, Life without them -> well, for now, in the early stages, just doesn't feel all that good all the time. And right now, that's all I know about.

I'm sure there is happiness in the future for us. I hope you feel peaceful soon.

FindingPeace1

Thanks for all that virtual support.

Today, after a month of working weekends and 15 hour days, I said, "NO" and this weekend (Fri Sat) I am doing NOTHING!!
I went to the river this morning and lazed with the dog, watching the butterflies and listening to the birds and the burbling of the water.

At risk of sounding looney toons, following is some of my journaling today (I have many parts that "speak" in my journals, fyi)

Theoretically, if I make myself happy, then I can't be unhappy.
Losing my XAH could just leave me happy.
...That's a crock.
...I'm not UNhappy, I'm nothing. I'm a waiting. THAT'S what I am. A waiting.
Wating to be invited.
Waiting for it to cool down at work so I can work less.
Waiting to feel good again.
Waiting to get more organized so I can get "whatever" done.
Waiting to have time to get it done.
Waiting for when I am compelled to get it done.
Wating until I am more or less "something" to do "whatever".

Well, waiting has worked pretty well.

What would your life look like if you weren't waiting?

Rock climbing 2x/mo
Yoga 1x/wk
Guitar 4x/wk
Cooking meals - less eating out
Dancing 2x/mo
Dinner with friends 1x/wk
regular home to dos getting done
planning that vacation

...but to DO all that I feel like I'd have to BE fundamentally different! I'm not a planner. And it's not as simple as "well decide to BE that person".

Baby steps.

I'm tired! I don't want to work more on me!!

Life is never about "done." It's about journey and process and progress. You wanted XAH to be willing to change.

I wanted XAH to be different magically. Just like I want to be.

Good luck with that.

Well, I FELT that way!

He couldn't anymore than you can.

Well, was I unfair to leave, then?

Not necessarily. You didn't like him as is and weren't willing to wait. That's just as it is.

Well, why couldn't I accept him as is?

Some of his behavior sucked.
Some of it was your fear.
Some of it was the logic of not wanting to wait to see if it got worse, but knowing there was a good chance it would.

Yes, but...
What if I was unfair and jacked up?? I have to FIX that so I don't jack up my future.

What if there is no future, just a series of nows? What if there is no "right"?

Don't I have to fix me? Did I make the right choice?

Clearly there isn't "a" right choice here.

But how is the world safe if you don't know what's right?

It's ALL safe. There is no "wrong" either.

The right choice has always been the one that FEELS the LEAST BAD. This still feels bad, so I feel like it was wrong.
If you don't choose based on what feels the least bad/most good, what do you choose based on? Logic? Like this divorce? Then the fallout is feeling bad. That sucks.

Number one, you forget it felt bad in it, too.
Number two, even feeling "bad" is okay.

But my life has been BASED on good feeling-chasing!! Wht IS life if emotions are not rudders??

just this.

Don't go all Buddhist on me. We are not machines. Feelings make us human. They are meaningful...aren't they??

To notice. But the resting place isn't "in" them.

If I am not my emotions, who am I? If I'm not chasing "good" feelings, what am I doing and why? Why wouldn't I chase good feelings? They feel good!
...I think I have tried to line up good feelings with "being good", then I please society and myself.
...what else is there?

What are your thoughts?
p

roxiestone

FP,

FWIW, I've just split up from a long term relationship myself. I can so relate to everything you are feeling. Thank you for sharing it.

I feel like I'm standing at the end of a long, tall solid wall. One one side of the wall are my codependent habits - obsessing about the XABF -such as:

• I really, really have been secretly holding out hope that he would "come to his senses".
• If I were to be completely honest, I have to say that I probably would have taken him back even without a promise (much less an action) to quit drinking.
• As someone else mentioned, I'm really hurt that he didn't love me enough to even try.
• I'm still having conversations with him in my head.

On the other side of the wall, which is away from codieville, is where my self-esteem is so strong that I wouldn't/couldn't even consider being with a person who didn't treasure me. That making a decision to leave something in the past (and not keep picking it up) is second-nature.

I'm trying to choose the path of high self-esteem and stay away from the codie stuff, but it is hard.

I'm ready to leave him behind and really get to work on WHY this even gave me pause. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him, but he wouldn't have stepped off the porch for me. And I still want(ed) him.

I need to get my thinking right and I'm trying to learn how to do that. It comes with being deliberate with my activities - first, do no harm. No excessive spending, no excessive eating.

I fill my day with: Al-anon readings and journaling. Some exercise. Good food. Exercising financial management. Keeping house. "Girling" up the place. And like you, I hope that I can slowly work my program and change the way I feel about myself at a fundamental level.