Thoughts and Feelings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 115
Thoughts and Feelings
It's impossible to have a grown up conversation with AH. He has been unemployed for the past year and refuses to look for a job. He is quite happy just kicking back and doing nothing for the rest of his life. Damn the consequences to anyone.
He has been on unemployment this whole time and it won't last forever. He was offered a job a few days ago. He refused to even call them back and talk to them. If I try to talk to him about it he flys into a rage, and says if I don't like it then just leave him and he goes into a tirade of personal insults towards me. He claims he hasn't had anything to drink in the past month or so but his actions say otherwise.
I've been attending al-anon regularly and church activities. I figure I need all the spirital support I can get. It is helpful. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen that may never happen in my relationship with AH. It's hard letting go of this dream of how you would like the relationship to be. Getting closer to this acceptance, and praying for God to give me the courage to change the things I can. Like saving myself, and not fearing leaving more than I fear staying. Thanks for listening.
He has been on unemployment this whole time and it won't last forever. He was offered a job a few days ago. He refused to even call them back and talk to them. If I try to talk to him about it he flys into a rage, and says if I don't like it then just leave him and he goes into a tirade of personal insults towards me. He claims he hasn't had anything to drink in the past month or so but his actions say otherwise.
I've been attending al-anon regularly and church activities. I figure I need all the spirital support I can get. It is helpful. I feel like I am waiting for something to happen that may never happen in my relationship with AH. It's hard letting go of this dream of how you would like the relationship to be. Getting closer to this acceptance, and praying for God to give me the courage to change the things I can. Like saving myself, and not fearing leaving more than I fear staying. Thanks for listening.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Do you work? Are you the one paying all the bills?
It doesn't really matter if he's drinking or not. He is still verbally abusive. You don't have to put up with that. What are you getting out of this marriage?
It doesn't really matter if he's drinking or not. He is still verbally abusive. You don't have to put up with that. What are you getting out of this marriage?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
I understand the not working thing...my AH has been out for over 2 years but luckily still collecting. that is about to run out and i'm scared. we can't make it on my pay alone. we have a house and bills, etc to worry about. he has not had a drink in over 3 months now. i think he is afraid to go back to work. he's never worked sober before and i think that scares the life out of him. is it possible that yours could feel that way too? i always knew when my AH was drinking. the signs were too clear to miss.
its so easy to stay with someone but much harder to leave them..... you sound like you are gathering up some much needed courage. i hope things work out for you.
its so easy to stay with someone but much harder to leave them..... you sound like you are gathering up some much needed courage. i hope things work out for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Sounds like you are being abused, in more ways than one.
Here's what I have found... I teach others how to treat me when I accept unacceptable behavior. The longer I tolerate being berated, abused, used, and taken for granted, the worse it gets. It never gets better. Until I put my foot down, and decide i'm not going to take it anymore. Each and every one of us has a different definition of unacceptable behavior. What's your definition? Decide what it is, draw the boundary, and stick to it.
As long as he doesn't have to do anything, he won't. And there isn't much to be done for him, in this or in any scenario. Although perhaps not mentally, physically he is a big boy and can live life how he pleases. But you have a choice, on whether you want to be a victim of his choices or not.
No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. You deserve better. We all do. And that's why I'm here, to remind myself and others of that. Many of us have been there, and know what you are feeling.
Keep coming back and reading!
Here's what I have found... I teach others how to treat me when I accept unacceptable behavior. The longer I tolerate being berated, abused, used, and taken for granted, the worse it gets. It never gets better. Until I put my foot down, and decide i'm not going to take it anymore. Each and every one of us has a different definition of unacceptable behavior. What's your definition? Decide what it is, draw the boundary, and stick to it.
As long as he doesn't have to do anything, he won't. And there isn't much to be done for him, in this or in any scenario. Although perhaps not mentally, physically he is a big boy and can live life how he pleases. But you have a choice, on whether you want to be a victim of his choices or not.
No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. You deserve better. We all do. And that's why I'm here, to remind myself and others of that. Many of us have been there, and know what you are feeling.
Keep coming back and reading!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 115
I don't think my AH is afraid to go back to work. He hasn't done anything to address his addiction. He's been in full blown addiction from a relapse over seven years ago. He has had plenty of time to seek help since he hasn't been working for the past year and just continues to spiral downward. In fact, any mention of it is met with hostility. He lost a job previously before this last one due to his addiction. I just think he doesn't want to do the work to be healthier. Other than his claim that he hasn't been drinking in the past month or so. Of course this was claimed while he was in the middle of one of his rages.
Thank you Breakingglass, I do worry about the finances; I guess its one of those things that go along with living with an alcoholic. I'm on disability and it wouldn't be enough to cover our bills. Finances have been one thing that has kept me stuck in this relationship before. But, it looks like we are headed down that road regardless of rather I go or stay. But, it isn't about this. I could handle the financial issues if he was working on his behaviors that is where the problem lies. I feel beaten down by his selfishness and callious words.
You're right Suki, a marriage should be a place where you expect your spouse to talk to you in a respectable manner and talk though disagreements rather than always pulling the rug out from under the relationship.
Thank you Breakingglass, I do worry about the finances; I guess its one of those things that go along with living with an alcoholic. I'm on disability and it wouldn't be enough to cover our bills. Finances have been one thing that has kept me stuck in this relationship before. But, it looks like we are headed down that road regardless of rather I go or stay. But, it isn't about this. I could handle the financial issues if he was working on his behaviors that is where the problem lies. I feel beaten down by his selfishness and callious words.
You're right Suki, a marriage should be a place where you expect your spouse to talk to you in a respectable manner and talk though disagreements rather than always pulling the rug out from under the relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 115
Thanks Kitty, you're right I used to think it wouldn't get any worse and then it does. My line of what is acceptable has moved a great deal. Everytime I accept unacceptable behavior the line moves.
I have learned a lot by reading others posts on here ,even though I don't post a lot. Everyone here is so supportive and understands. I think the abandonment topic when dealing with leaving is spot on in my situation too.
I have learned a lot by reading others posts on here ,even though I don't post a lot. Everyone here is so supportive and understands. I think the abandonment topic when dealing with leaving is spot on in my situation too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
