Happygirl70

I went to my first AA meeting about 3 weeks ago. I went to figure out where I was in this whole process. I went home and drank that night. The next day, I read the first 164 pages of BB and decided that I am an alcoholic. I kept going to meetings and was doing well. I really did not have any cravings, until Saturday (day 20). I was meeting my ex husband to drop off our son and all I could think about was where I was going to buy some beer. Sure enough, I did. It crossed my mind to call someone, but I didn't want to. I got home and popped the beer. I just stood there smelling it, trying to decide what to do. I finally gave in and drank and 5 more followed. Once I decided I had enough, I poured everything else out. I did end up reaching out to a fellow AA member AFTER the fact. I feel so much shame now for what I have done. I know that it is just a bump in my road to recovery, but I am having a hard time forgiving myself. I really don't want to drink again. It didn't taste as good as I remembered and definitely was not worth what I am going through now.

I am trying to focus on the 20 days I was sober and how great I felt. No drunk texting, no headaches, no regrets.

Anyway, I am glad that I am here.

Thanks for listening.

Dee74

Welcome happygirl

I don't think there's too much point in being too hard on yourself - you faltered...and a lot of us did that - some of us like me did that a LOT.

You know what you should have done - use your support - don't turn around and go back the way you came...there's no answers there

The important lesson here is you know what to do should you find yourself in trouble again

D

indakut

You did it and it is over....Don't dwell in the past. Focus on the future and the next 20 days...Think about your triggers and Press on

Missy7

Thank you for your honest post. Now forge ahead. I'm doin' the same thing!

justjo

Hi HG,
Im glad that you are here too honey!! Please dont feel shame and please forgive yourself. See there is always today & tomorrow. Keep remembering how good you felt.
I always remember my sister saying 'exactly what you said,' so your post stood out to me. Its the one thing I think eventually killed her you see.
So HP, think good things, know you are special and worth it honey.
I look forward to more of your posts. JJ

EmeraldRose

I always say...everyday is the first day of the rest of my life. Meaning...everyday we get a new chance, everyday we learn a new lesson and everyday we have the opportunity to change what we don't like about ourselves. As long as there is breath in our bodies we are changing, growing and learning -it never ends.
Ok, so you messed up...who hasn't? So take this as a lesson learned...go back to AA, don't stop for beer and stay here and post!

Surlyredhead

It is very hard in the beginning, I went through the same thing. Sober for a few weeks, then BAM, for no reason, I was drunk again. Don't quit quitting, we have all made mistakes. It is so important to forgive yourself for being sick, you made a mistake and that is all, you did not fail. Today is a new day, and every new day, we have a chance to succeed..

Hang in there, you are not alone,
Cathy

Zebra1275

I understand the gulit and shame of relapsing after you've made a committment to being sober. But it does pass. Try to learn what might have triggered this (seeing ex husband?) and devise a plan so that it's not such a trigger next time.

grateful101010

Notice what precipitated your relapse- dropping off your son, coming home to no prying eyes and no consequences. Ultimately, of course, you have to maintain sobriety for your own sake, regardless of the consequences of drinking. But don't you think it would help not to have unstructured time?

One of the saving graces of my sobriety has been the extreme business of my life (the reason I supposedly drank in the first place - "I'm a stressed out working mom," etc. )

It certainly helped for the first 3 months that I have very little unstructured time to think about not drinking and then drink. I plan to stay busy - if that's what I have to do to be sober, then that's what I'll do. Also, I have something called BILLS and a MORTGAGE to pay - no choice in the matter.

instant

Hi happygirl. Its back to the drawing board. You were doing well that's true. You have drunk for one day. Tomorrow is up to you

Raptor

The past cannot be changed but the future can. I relapsed after 6 weeks and the biggest lesson i learnt is:

1. You cannot take a drink no matter how bad or good you feel
2. KNOW your triggers better than anything (mine is complacency & emotion)
3. Phone your sponsor/read the book everyday if required
4. Repeat steps 1 to 3

Also know that the feeling of guilt and dissapointment and the other 3 dozen negative emotions attached to relapse, WILL pass through time (being sober) Remember you are in controll of the above steps and not booze.

Be strong...

farmer

I hope that bump serves you well. I did it too many times and ended up in rehab and AA. The best thing you did was tell on yourself. The shame isn't worth it, is it? I can't imagine the shame I would have if I popped one now. That pop would be the bubble of destruction for me. One lady said you don't see chickens hanging around the Colonel's so I am staying away from the use and point of sale side of it but the real threat is the emotional craving like you had. I stay near the sober ones who care for me. Good Luck and thanks for posting.