Angry at sponsor/myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Angry at sponsor/myself
Gotta keep this brief as I'm about to head off to a meeting.
So, just 'survived' another weekend; typical obsessive thoughts about drinking etc. I made some positive moves to combat them such as reading a little BB, downloaded 'My name is Bill W' movie, re-read some of my notes and work from rehab - 8 months sober by the way- which helped and by Sunday I was feeling better than Saturday.
But. I didn't phone my sponsor. I asked him to be my sponsor just over a week ago, mainly out of desperation. You see, 8 months in and I'm really struggling - the sense of futility and thoughts of surrendering to a drink have been obsessing me (have an earlier post about it). I know I need AA and have been floating on the edges of my local meetings for some time, though not really making much more effort than that. Trying to stay sober by yourself can be very lonely and I realised that and knew I had to do something. So I reached for a sponsor in the person I was most familiar with. He agreed and it felt good. Like it could be the beginning of something.
Since then, I have upped my meetings from two a month to three a week, started to get to know people more and done a little light service. All very difficult for me but I'm trying dammit! ;-) I've found calling my sponsor daily a struggle as it seems pointless - he asks how I'm doing, I say 'Ok' (it's clear I'm not supposed to be so polite as to ask him how he is, for the sake of being friendly), he says 'what are you doing' and the only goddamn answer he wants to hear is either that I'm on my way to a meeting or reading the BB there and then. If neither of them are the case then it's a loaded pause then "I think you should go to a meeting/say some prayers/read the BB". Hang up. Try to unclench my fists and calm down...
Wash, rinse, repeat for the last couple of weeks.
I didn't call yesterday but called today to apologise and say I'll see him tonight. Loaded pause. "You need to make daily calls". Hang up. I hit the roof (internally speaking). I could have spat fire. But I know there's more going on here than my outrage at feeling like I should have to sit on the naughty step for simply missing a phonecall. I get it, I think. Daily calls to our sponsor are supposed to make us 'accountable' to someone, to demonstrate our commitment to following the program. That makes sense and on that basis it was my bad and I should take responsibility for it. After all, for all he knew I could have slipped and been on a park bench somewhere.
Also, I see how my resistance to be accountable to somebody else runs so counter to my belief system, particularly the alcoholic in me. That's why I'm trying to see this as a test, to enable to find the humility to see the situation as it is.
Ah, I dunno, I could go on, but I really need to get off to this meeting (and see my sponsor face to face). Guess I'm allowing this to be more fuel on the fire of my very erratic emotions of late.
And, breathe...
sorry SR and thanks
So, just 'survived' another weekend; typical obsessive thoughts about drinking etc. I made some positive moves to combat them such as reading a little BB, downloaded 'My name is Bill W' movie, re-read some of my notes and work from rehab - 8 months sober by the way- which helped and by Sunday I was feeling better than Saturday.
But. I didn't phone my sponsor. I asked him to be my sponsor just over a week ago, mainly out of desperation. You see, 8 months in and I'm really struggling - the sense of futility and thoughts of surrendering to a drink have been obsessing me (have an earlier post about it). I know I need AA and have been floating on the edges of my local meetings for some time, though not really making much more effort than that. Trying to stay sober by yourself can be very lonely and I realised that and knew I had to do something. So I reached for a sponsor in the person I was most familiar with. He agreed and it felt good. Like it could be the beginning of something.
Since then, I have upped my meetings from two a month to three a week, started to get to know people more and done a little light service. All very difficult for me but I'm trying dammit! ;-) I've found calling my sponsor daily a struggle as it seems pointless - he asks how I'm doing, I say 'Ok' (it's clear I'm not supposed to be so polite as to ask him how he is, for the sake of being friendly), he says 'what are you doing' and the only goddamn answer he wants to hear is either that I'm on my way to a meeting or reading the BB there and then. If neither of them are the case then it's a loaded pause then "I think you should go to a meeting/say some prayers/read the BB". Hang up. Try to unclench my fists and calm down...
Wash, rinse, repeat for the last couple of weeks.
I didn't call yesterday but called today to apologise and say I'll see him tonight. Loaded pause. "You need to make daily calls". Hang up. I hit the roof (internally speaking). I could have spat fire. But I know there's more going on here than my outrage at feeling like I should have to sit on the naughty step for simply missing a phonecall. I get it, I think. Daily calls to our sponsor are supposed to make us 'accountable' to someone, to demonstrate our commitment to following the program. That makes sense and on that basis it was my bad and I should take responsibility for it. After all, for all he knew I could have slipped and been on a park bench somewhere.
Also, I see how my resistance to be accountable to somebody else runs so counter to my belief system, particularly the alcoholic in me. That's why I'm trying to see this as a test, to enable to find the humility to see the situation as it is.
Ah, I dunno, I could go on, but I really need to get off to this meeting (and see my sponsor face to face). Guess I'm allowing this to be more fuel on the fire of my very erratic emotions of late.
And, breathe...
sorry SR and thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Hudstar,
Have you begun work on your steps? The steps were what made all the difference for me between precarious sobriety and solid sobriety. It sounds as if you have a resentment to process. You are in luck, the 4th step has an inventory for resentments.
Susan
Have you begun work on your steps? The steps were what made all the difference for me between precarious sobriety and solid sobriety. It sounds as if you have a resentment to process. You are in luck, the 4th step has an inventory for resentments.
Susan
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I have been taught that the primary purpose of a sponsor is to walk the sponsee through the Steps and provide support while doing that. I encourage you to talk to your sponsor about learning how to apply the Steps to your life and doing them. It was only when I had done the Steps and learned to apply them to my life was the obsession with alcohol relieved and it has not returned in over 10 years
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
In your post, you mention the daily calls with your sponsor, but you did not mention meeting with and working the steps with your sponsor's guidance. ust wondering if you are doing that?
Many sponsors do the daily phone call routine. I personally do not like it, unless i were to have a sponsee who is barely hanging on, and I felt it necessary for that person to check in with me daily. As a sponsor, i feel my job is to help my sponsees through the steps. However, i do not want anyone to rely on me; rather, they should all be relying on the program and the steps, which of course, guides them to rely on a Power greater than themselves.
Many sponsors do the daily phone call routine. I personally do not like it, unless i were to have a sponsee who is barely hanging on, and I felt it necessary for that person to check in with me daily. As a sponsor, i feel my job is to help my sponsees through the steps. However, i do not want anyone to rely on me; rather, they should all be relying on the program and the steps, which of course, guides them to rely on a Power greater than themselves.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
i agree wholeheartedly with the previous posts.
as soon as i agree to be someones sponsor we make a date then and there to start step work...asap.
that is the role of a sponsor,to guide folk through the steps to a spiritual awakening and have the obsession to drink removed.
has your sponsor suggested this?
if not please find another sponsor that has done the work and is on fire with this stuff!
as soon as i agree to be someones sponsor we make a date then and there to start step work...asap.
that is the role of a sponsor,to guide folk through the steps to a spiritual awakening and have the obsession to drink removed.
has your sponsor suggested this?
if not please find another sponsor that has done the work and is on fire with this stuff!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
You might find this info to be of interest...
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
As shared already.....when I began my Steps ..my shakey sobriety switched into solid recovery..:yup;
All my best as you continue to move forward...
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
As shared already.....when I began my Steps ..my shakey sobriety switched into solid recovery..:yup;
All my best as you continue to move forward...
Awakening...
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: in the present
Posts: 1,125
Can't add much to anything already said. Get that sponsor to get you working on the Steps or get another sponsor. Don't waste your time in miserable sobriety. The Steps wil help you find a whole new life.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
My sponsorship line "requires" daily calls.....ON TIME...not a minute late (he's JUST started cutting me some slack on being a minute or two late....and that's after doing those calls for almost 3 years - lol). 5 minute specials for me anymore (@ 4 yrs). I assume, for the newer guys, the calls may be a bit longer but not by much.
Even now, all my sponsor really wants to know is what I'm DOING and what I plan to do. He's there, as a SPONSOR, to monitor my progress and help me work the AA program in all my affairs. We're friendly, but on these "call my sponsor" calls, it's really more like a business call than a call to a buddy.
On the other hand, I still see the therapist who saved my life when I was first getting sober. With her, the calls are more "what's up, how-ya-doing, what's new, what's bothering you, etc etc etc." (and I only speak to her a couple times per month........and that's usually in person). It was tough for me to accept that a sponsor isn't a therapist.......I wanted my sponsor to fill BOTH rolls. He couldn't. And honestly, I'd rather have a sponsor who's "specializes" in being a sponsor and a therapist (if I keep up with her) who specializes in therapy.
Anyway....I'm getting off track here.
AA is a program of action, right? Maybe he's waiting for YOU to start the action. Maybe he's waiting for you to DEMONSTRATE that you want what he/they has/have and show some initiative. On the other hand, maybe he's just got some control issues and it makes him feel good about himself to push you around. Don't forget, he can't transmit something HE doesn't have.....and he's best at "teaching" from his experience. Maybe that's what he's doing and there's a method behind all of it. Maybe there isn't. Without really sitting down with you/him, there's no way any of us can say for sure.
What I CAN SAY is that you need to sit down with this man and have some real open honest dialogue. You need to ask him what he expects of you (other than daily calls). He's told you to read the book......have you done that? My guess is "NO." (I didn't read it when I was told to either.....lol). Ya see, from his perceptive, he's not going to burn time with someone who's not really committed to the program. How do you show that you're committed? - do what he tells you to.
Look, I can't tell you that you should or shouldn't be mad......(edit: our book DOES tell us though, that our problems are of our OWN making and that they arise our of ourselves.....so, in other words, if you've got a problem with him......lol....the problem REALLY is within you... that's kinda AA-advanced-class, so I won't get into THAT one just yet -
) I also can't say he's wrong or right in what he's saying to you. Maybe you DO need to read more and go to more meetings. I can't say for sure from here. I can say that ANYONE can recover IF they're willing to do the work and sometimes, for me anyway, I had to go looking for the work. My first sponsor didn't know how to take someone through the book.....he didn't know much more than "go to lots of meetings and pray a lot to God and you'll stay sober." So when I was still going nuts.....I had to go searching for what else was out there in recovery. Just blind searching..... Found podcasts with AA open talks online......biiiiig help. Found speaker recordings online. Read the darn books they'd been telling me to read......HUGE help. Started taking direction from ppl I didn't like but who had seemed to figure this "AA stuff" out.......HUUUUGE HELP. Maybe it's just time for you to step YOUR game up. 
For me.....for the first 4 - 6 months or so..... I was NOT willing to do any of the work. The more ppl told, asked, encouraged, demanded, pleaded, etc.......the more defiant I got and dug my heels in. I just wasn't willing to do anything anyone suggested.....period....I didn't know what they had, didn't want it, and didn't care to even find out what it was (yeah, I was quite the a$$ early on). Once I got willing though......it must have started showing because all of a sudden, all these awesome teachers started showing up in my life.
Maybe your early "lack of willingness" irritated this guy and he's sick of your BS?
Maybe it's time to show, with your actions, that you're taking things more seriously? - maybe he needs more convincing?
Maybe he's just a jerk?
Maybe you're the jerk.....or a crybaby?
-- -- and please.....these are just considerations, yanno? Don't take it personally. I'm a jerk, a crybaby, immature and defiant, selfish, self-centered, a liar, a phony, and a bunch of other stuff.......but with my HP's grace and help I'm getting better and I'm still working at improving.
Go see the man...or call him...TELL HIM what you're thinking - your concerns, your fears about how you're feeling, your racing thoughts....... God can and will help you with the stuff you need His help with regardless of whether you ask or not, ppl though, you usually need to ask them - they can't read minds quite as well as God.
Even now, all my sponsor really wants to know is what I'm DOING and what I plan to do. He's there, as a SPONSOR, to monitor my progress and help me work the AA program in all my affairs. We're friendly, but on these "call my sponsor" calls, it's really more like a business call than a call to a buddy.
On the other hand, I still see the therapist who saved my life when I was first getting sober. With her, the calls are more "what's up, how-ya-doing, what's new, what's bothering you, etc etc etc." (and I only speak to her a couple times per month........and that's usually in person). It was tough for me to accept that a sponsor isn't a therapist.......I wanted my sponsor to fill BOTH rolls. He couldn't. And honestly, I'd rather have a sponsor who's "specializes" in being a sponsor and a therapist (if I keep up with her) who specializes in therapy.
Anyway....I'm getting off track here.
AA is a program of action, right? Maybe he's waiting for YOU to start the action. Maybe he's waiting for you to DEMONSTRATE that you want what he/they has/have and show some initiative. On the other hand, maybe he's just got some control issues and it makes him feel good about himself to push you around. Don't forget, he can't transmit something HE doesn't have.....and he's best at "teaching" from his experience. Maybe that's what he's doing and there's a method behind all of it. Maybe there isn't. Without really sitting down with you/him, there's no way any of us can say for sure.
What I CAN SAY is that you need to sit down with this man and have some real open honest dialogue. You need to ask him what he expects of you (other than daily calls). He's told you to read the book......have you done that? My guess is "NO." (I didn't read it when I was told to either.....lol). Ya see, from his perceptive, he's not going to burn time with someone who's not really committed to the program. How do you show that you're committed? - do what he tells you to.
Look, I can't tell you that you should or shouldn't be mad......(edit: our book DOES tell us though, that our problems are of our OWN making and that they arise our of ourselves.....so, in other words, if you've got a problem with him......lol....the problem REALLY is within you... that's kinda AA-advanced-class, so I won't get into THAT one just yet -
) I also can't say he's wrong or right in what he's saying to you. Maybe you DO need to read more and go to more meetings. I can't say for sure from here. I can say that ANYONE can recover IF they're willing to do the work and sometimes, for me anyway, I had to go looking for the work. My first sponsor didn't know how to take someone through the book.....he didn't know much more than "go to lots of meetings and pray a lot to God and you'll stay sober." So when I was still going nuts.....I had to go searching for what else was out there in recovery. Just blind searching..... Found podcasts with AA open talks online......biiiiig help. Found speaker recordings online. Read the darn books they'd been telling me to read......HUGE help. Started taking direction from ppl I didn't like but who had seemed to figure this "AA stuff" out.......HUUUUGE HELP. Maybe it's just time for you to step YOUR game up. For me.....for the first 4 - 6 months or so..... I was NOT willing to do any of the work. The more ppl told, asked, encouraged, demanded, pleaded, etc.......the more defiant I got and dug my heels in. I just wasn't willing to do anything anyone suggested.....period....I didn't know what they had, didn't want it, and didn't care to even find out what it was (yeah, I was quite the a$$ early on). Once I got willing though......it must have started showing because all of a sudden, all these awesome teachers started showing up in my life.
Maybe your early "lack of willingness" irritated this guy and he's sick of your BS?
Maybe it's time to show, with your actions, that you're taking things more seriously? - maybe he needs more convincing?
Maybe he's just a jerk?
Maybe you're the jerk.....or a crybaby?
-- -- and please.....these are just considerations, yanno? Don't take it personally. I'm a jerk, a crybaby, immature and defiant, selfish, self-centered, a liar, a phony, and a bunch of other stuff.......but with my HP's grace and help I'm getting better and I'm still working at improving.
Go see the man...or call him...TELL HIM what you're thinking - your concerns, your fears about how you're feeling, your racing thoughts....... God can and will help you with the stuff you need His help with regardless of whether you ask or not, ppl though, you usually need to ask them - they can't read minds quite as well as God.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Thanks for your posts so far - and for letting me just vent. Whew! These emotions, eh? Molehill, meet Mountain.
But still, I let it become personal. I realise it's my job, as a sponsee, to shut up and listen. I do find the daily phonecalls a bit impersonal. I'm an expert on my own nature. Nothing makes me want to run from something like making me feel obliged to do it. That said, I'm going on faith with this. He's been sober longer than me through the steps therefore he knows something I don't. And I really need to know it or it's 'hello relapse'. So right now, I have to bow to his wisdom even if it feels bloody uncomfortable.
No word about doing the steps yet anyway. I'm sure they're not far off. However, I can't shake the feeling that I should've held off and got to know a few more people in AA first, found someone I really identify (who has 'the sobriety I want'). In that my current sponsor has helped because by asking him I got over that first hurdle of... actually asking for help. Not easy for me.
Is it ever OK to tell a sponsor "thanks, but I think I'll ask someone else" or words to that effect. Historically, I will cross oceans (of booze) to avoid hurting other people's feelings...
But still, I let it become personal. I realise it's my job, as a sponsee, to shut up and listen. I do find the daily phonecalls a bit impersonal. I'm an expert on my own nature. Nothing makes me want to run from something like making me feel obliged to do it. That said, I'm going on faith with this. He's been sober longer than me through the steps therefore he knows something I don't. And I really need to know it or it's 'hello relapse'. So right now, I have to bow to his wisdom even if it feels bloody uncomfortable.
No word about doing the steps yet anyway. I'm sure they're not far off. However, I can't shake the feeling that I should've held off and got to know a few more people in AA first, found someone I really identify (who has 'the sobriety I want'). In that my current sponsor has helped because by asking him I got over that first hurdle of... actually asking for help. Not easy for me.
Is it ever OK to tell a sponsor "thanks, but I think I'll ask someone else" or words to that effect. Historically, I will cross oceans (of booze) to avoid hurting other people's feelings...
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Hudstar 
Is it ever OK to tell a sponsor "thanks, but I think I'll ask someone else" or words to that effect. Historically, I will cross oceans (of booze) to avoid hurting other people's feelings...
Someone told me.....and thankfully I listened........to never be so arrogant or ignorant as to think I can sponsor myself......that my self-sponsorship led to all the crap I'm trying to outgrow and get away from.
......and this recovery deal, it's life and death. If you move and and he takes it personally, he probably wasn't the right man for the job in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by Hudstar
Is it ever OK to tell a sponsor "thanks, but I think I'll ask someone else" or words to that effect.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
If that's the case people need to be real cautious giving suggestions based on a week's experience with sponsorship. Seems to be a knee jerk reaction on here..."Fire him and get a new one". When what I'm sensing is a sponsee being uncomfortable with being a sponsee. Everything we do in sobriety is new, unfamiliar, and damn uncomfortable. But I nearly killed myself seeking comfort. And usually what's uncomfortable doesn't make sense. But the fact of the matter is the things I do that don't make sense are usually based on spiritual principle, and therefore aren't going to make sense to a guy like me. It takes recovery for that to happen. So, for a while, I'm going to have to do a whole lotta stuff that doesn't make a damn bit of sense and just trust in the process and as I get better what didn't make sense starts slowly, but surely making sense. Do you want to feel better or do you want to get better?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know your sponsor, but some people don't know HOW to sponsor because they have never had a good sponsor/sponsee relationship, themselves. It does seem, after 8 months of not drinking and the fact that you are still struggling with the obsession, starting work on the Steps would be the first order of business. Have you had a sit-down with this person and talked about mutual expectations, or is it just "call me every day"?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You sound fairly typical to me. I know it's tough to call someone you really don't know, that the sponsor relationship is different (as it should be).
Have you sat down with your sponsor and had a conversation? It certainly helps to know someone a bit, to have a rapport with a sponsor. It's part of building a relationship with someone who may save your life ... a sponsor can be the difference between drinking and staying sober.
Have you sat down with your sponsor and had a conversation? It certainly helps to know someone a bit, to have a rapport with a sponsor. It's part of building a relationship with someone who may save your life ... a sponsor can be the difference between drinking and staying sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Hey, thanks all for the suggestions. Hope I didn't start an argument about this, but a debate can reveal far more than simple advice sometimes.
Anyway, going on what I've had back from you - and having cooled down and tried to look at things rationally, honestly and sure, spirtually - I think I'll take the middle ground here. I did overreact at his brusque manner (I don't think he was harsh, more... business-like) and that really stems from having to do something I don't like doing: calling people -worse, calling people I don't know well for what seem like very trivial reasons, to 'check-in'. I have the feeling that there's a dance going on here which I don't know the Steps (!) for but he does, so I'm going to have to trust the process, as someone here said, and stick with it a little longer.
-Sigh- it's frustrating to the point of depressing though. All I wanted is to not feel apart from AA. Turning up to meetings now and then and slinking off without getting to know anyone made me feel so disingenuous, an imposter, but in my recovery so far I just needed to connect now and then with people who are in the same boat. After awhile of this I started to feel like I was using AA to 'top up my recovery credit', so to speak. I didn't feel proud about that. So I reached out to a relatively familiar face among the regulars and now he's my sponsor I'm wishing I'd made more effort with folks all round and not rushed it.
Perhaps this is typical of a lot of alcoholics, but I at least am very good at inventing motives and thoughts for other people, to me. I've got to step out of myself and ditch this habit to allow their true selves to come through.
As I quipped to my brother the other night, a little drily, heavy on the self-pity; "You want a good time? Try recovering from alcoholism."
Pfft!
Anyway, going on what I've had back from you - and having cooled down and tried to look at things rationally, honestly and sure, spirtually - I think I'll take the middle ground here. I did overreact at his brusque manner (I don't think he was harsh, more... business-like) and that really stems from having to do something I don't like doing: calling people -worse, calling people I don't know well for what seem like very trivial reasons, to 'check-in'. I have the feeling that there's a dance going on here which I don't know the Steps (!) for but he does, so I'm going to have to trust the process, as someone here said, and stick with it a little longer.
-Sigh- it's frustrating to the point of depressing though. All I wanted is to not feel apart from AA. Turning up to meetings now and then and slinking off without getting to know anyone made me feel so disingenuous, an imposter, but in my recovery so far I just needed to connect now and then with people who are in the same boat. After awhile of this I started to feel like I was using AA to 'top up my recovery credit', so to speak. I didn't feel proud about that. So I reached out to a relatively familiar face among the regulars and now he's my sponsor I'm wishing I'd made more effort with folks all round and not rushed it.
Perhaps this is typical of a lot of alcoholics, but I at least am very good at inventing motives and thoughts for other people, to me. I've got to step out of myself and ditch this habit to allow their true selves to come through.
As I quipped to my brother the other night, a little drily, heavy on the self-pity; "You want a good time? Try recovering from alcoholism."
Pfft!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
When I first came into the rooms....well for probably six months....I avoided the social interaction part of AA and just went to meetings. I didn't have any of the fellowship experience because I felt socially awkward and didn't fit in and people didn't like me (I thought). Of course that was my ego telling me I'm different, and the fact that I'm simply not used to social interaction without being wasted. I have had to FORCE myself to tag along for coffee, stay for the potluck after birthday night, go up to the speaker after speaker meetings and thank them for sharing, introduce myself to new people, etc. I didn't come up with these ideas on my own either I just was tired of being lonely, wanting to drink on an almost daily basis, and feeling like the only thing that had changed was that I wasn't drinking and had lost the measely semblance of a social life I had when I was drinking. I saw everyone else hanging out after the meeting and I felt like I had to run away because they might call me out for just going to the meeting and running away afterward. Meanwhile, I had a sponsor but sometimes she ticked me off because I wanted more companionship, support, and friendship from AA and I expected it to come from my her.
The good news is that the social interaction stopped being forced after a certain point, and now I have friendships in AA. My relationship with my sponsor isn't really the same as those friendships. My sponsor and I do step work. She listens when I have issues and allows me to bounce my thoughts off of her and sometimes makes suggestions, but she is a sponsor first and a friend second. She isn't necessarily the person in AA I call when I need to vent or talk to someone about a problem or whatever. I have friends in recovery and a higher power who help meet those needs. Turns out I was relying on my sponsor to be my one tie to the program, my one sober friend, and that was too high an expectation for a sponsor.
Now, I have friends in recovery who text me, call me, give me a hug when they see me, ask how I'm doing, etc. The really cool part about that? I can help them, too. Some of them are newer to the rooms than I am, so I can share my experience, strength, and hope when asked (you have it too! Eight months is something to be proud of!) They don't even seem to notice that I am weird, socially awkward, and unlikeable. I just had to swallow my ego and start to think about what I could bring to a new friend. If I hadn't had a sponsor and worked the steps I wouldn't be able to form those new friendships, and I am really glad I did. I feel much more a part of the program and AA, and I know that if I go back out my friends will care and that selfish thought helps keep me sober.
I don't know if that helps at all, but I related to your experience and that was how it happened for me.
I just was tired of being lonely, wanting to drink on an almost daily basis, and feeling like the only thing that had changed was that I wasn't drinking and had lost the measely semblance of a social life I had when I was drinking. I saw everyone else hanging out after the meeting and I felt like I had to run away because they might call me out for just going to the meeting and running away afterward. Meanwhile, I had a sponsor but sometimes she ticked me off because I wanted more companionship, support, and friendship from AA and I expected it to come from my her.The good news is that the social interaction stopped being forced after a certain point, and now I have friendships in AA. My relationship with my sponsor isn't really the same as those friendships. My sponsor and I do step work. She listens when I have issues and allows me to bounce my thoughts off of her and sometimes makes suggestions, but she is a sponsor first and a friend second. She isn't necessarily the person in AA I call when I need to vent or talk to someone about a problem or whatever. I have friends in recovery and a higher power who help meet those needs. Turns out I was relying on my sponsor to be my one tie to the program, my one sober friend, and that was too high an expectation for a sponsor.
Now, I have friends in recovery who text me, call me, give me a hug when they see me, ask how I'm doing, etc. The really cool part about that? I can help them, too. Some of them are newer to the rooms than I am, so I can share my experience, strength, and hope when asked (you have it too! Eight months is something to be proud of!) They don't even seem to notice that I am weird, socially awkward, and unlikeable.
I just had to swallow my ego and start to think about what I could bring to a new friend. If I hadn't had a sponsor and worked the steps I wouldn't be able to form those new friendships, and I am really glad I did. I feel much more a part of the program and AA, and I know that if I go back out my friends will care and that selfish thought helps keep me sober. I don't know if that helps at all, but I related to your experience and that was how it happened for me.
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