stilllearning

Hi folks,

I caught up with a dear Al-anon friend last weekend and she was agitated when we met for dinner. She has recently reconnected with an old boyfriend via email and he's had some addiction problems in the past. He had written something manipulative that had hurt her feelings and she was upset.

Even a year ago a good codie crisis would have had me at the ready - nothing better than a good session analysing the behaviour of someone who isn't in recovery and really "should" be.

But I was pissed. Pissed that she works a good program and had an enormous blind spot to this person's quacking. Pissed that an addict who doesn't even live in our state had managed to upset my friend. And pissed that after a long week at work, what should have been a fun catch up was spent listening to what this guy had/hadn't said/written.

As I drove home I thought about this one person in addiction - who has upset my friend, who has now engaged another handful of friends in trying to "figure out" this person's actions.

I mostly just listened - but I was really triggered. If I have a lifetime quota of energy for trying to "figure out" people in active addiction, to anything, I think I'm pretty much at the end of it. He's being insensitive because people in addiction are insensitive. He's being cavalier with her feelings because addicts are cavalier with people's feelings.

I don't want to spend another -hour- of my life trying to analyse the addict/alcoholic. It's a hiding to nothing.

This is just a vent, really. I know that my friend wanted me to get onboard with how awful he had been (and he was). But all I could do was listen and then ask why it was that she had allowed someone who was clearly not in recovery and had hurt her previously back into her life again. Even that is none of my business, really. But it was a genuine question and she didn't have an answer.

Why is this stuff so easy to see when it's other people dancing around the addict? There but for the grace of God - and I hope that I'm never there again.

Peace out,

SL.

kittykitty

I have trouble when others try to suck me back into the codpendancy cycle again too. Drawing boundaries helps, it seems you were kind of blindsided by this though, expecting a nice friendly dinner and instead hearing the woe is me all night. Here's what I learned:

Lesson one: Even someone that works a great program is subject to a slip up. We all have buttons, and some of them aren't as easy to move as others, so they'll still get pushed on ocassion. Not one of us is immune to triggers, especially when other factors come into play, (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, physically in pain, menstruating, whatever, i'm just saying)

Lesson two: Just because someone else is slipping doesn't mean that we have to as well. I hope that when I am faced with a situation like that, I can keep from backsliding as well as you did. Just offering an ear, but not encouraging the situation or emotions, and politely bringing to her attention that she essentially brought this on herself. Sounds like something my sponsor would do.

Lesson three: "Staying in contact with an active addict exs is a tricky place to put yourself" Sometimes even those in advanced recovery still have problems with it. Following on myface or spacebook, reading emails and texts, seems like a good idea at the time, but usually ends up blowing up in your face.

Well done, I hope you get a chance in the future to have the nice dinner you wanted. **

Cyranoak

You may be still learning, but you've also "learned much." Well done.

StarlightSasha

I had my own slip up last night. It seems every time I hear news or information about my exABF, I spiral down into this very painful and uncomfortable state of total obsession... and into my own Disease... It's kind of like a tidal wave that comes quickly and I totally lose my breath and all sense of any recovery that I have accomplished.

I get/got on the net and was researching all night about "alcoholism", just trying to grasp some semblance of understanding as to WHY he is doing what he is doing. I felt so incredibly powerless and helpless with everything.

I finally got myself off the computer, and to bed, and I just prayed for help. Today, I am working on getting my balance and power back.

LexieCat

You ARE incredibly powerless and helpless when it comes to someone else's alcoholism. We all are. It's hard to accept, but it's true.

Nobody understands what makes someone an alcoholic--doctors and shrinks don't, scientists don't, sociologists don't. All kinds of theories, no answers. But once someone IS alcoholic, they have a lot of traits and behaviors in common. And the only ones who seem to be able to really understand is another alcoholic--which is why AA works so well when other treatments fail.

It's extremely disappointing and frustrating at first, but when you really accept your own powerlessness over someone else's drinking, it is actually pretty liberating. Not our fault, doesn't have to be our problem.

stilllearning

Thanks for the feedback folks - Kitty you summed up some pretty important lessons. The first one was an eye-opener (hence the "there but for the grace of God" part). My friend is absolutely diligent about her program and yet, and yet - we have hard-wiring that is difficult not to succumb to.

Starlight, I have had those mini-episodes. I ran into the woman my XABF cheated on me with and eventually left me for at a work event a few months ago. I saw her before she had seen me and I needed to go to the ladies room and sit down for about 10 minutes before my heart stopped beating out of my chest. I have no idea if they're still together and have gone completely NC with anyone who knows either of them but that moment when I was totally back there in that place of panic, anguish and pain was awful - I gathered myself, went back out there and nodded politely when she finally saw me and registered who I was. I walked out of there with my head held high but it took a day or so for me to get centred again.

I spent a lot of time in early recovery researching alcoholic traits and looking for answers. It was an absolutely vital step for me. I know we need to focus on ourselves but reading about alcoholic traits and reading so many similar stories on here absolutely hammered home for me the fact that I didn't cause it. I had carried the feeling that I did cause it since childhood and reading all that material was a big step in learning that I didn't.

After all that reading, and more than a year on SR, I know, for sure, that some of the behaviors that come with the disease are ... almost formulaic.

Keep reading, and writing.

NYCDoglvr

Bingo! That's just the way they are.