"us" and "them"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: alabama
Posts: 68
"us" and "them"
I live in a very small town. I am not originally from here. And if you know anything about rural areas you will know that outsiders are..well.. outsiders. oh, dont get me wrong you eventually stumble upon a small click that will accept you, but you are always an outsider.
When my AH leaves the house he goes to spend his time with the secret society of "them". They are the people who do the same things that he does. "they" are everwhere. The whole town is consumed with "them". I suppose my AH does me a favor and doesnt bring me around "them". There are "those" in his life that have been there for YEARS and I couldnt pick them out of a crowd. Never met "them" never seen "their" face. He keeps "them" away from me and me away from "them". He lives another life when he leaves home. He is that guy. The one on the lifetime movies. The one with 2 lives and everyone that is not "them" would be shocked to know.
I actually made a really good friend when I first moved here. We just clicked. We talked about everything. Really felt close. The friendship lasted about 6 years. A couple years ago I found out she was one of "them". She had been buying and selling drugs to my husband for some time. She had always known the issues we had. She was my person I leaned on. I was crushed. To think she was one of "them", part of the secret society I was not allowed to know anything about. She had prentended to be part of "us" and befriended me. I cant explain how even now it hurts. She was my friend and he had let her into the club.. the one I had been denied for so long.
I know is sounds a little bit crazy. Its not like I want to go out and be an addict. But being married to one of "them" makes me feel so alinated. I hate the secret society of "them".
When my AH leaves the house he goes to spend his time with the secret society of "them". They are the people who do the same things that he does. "they" are everwhere. The whole town is consumed with "them". I suppose my AH does me a favor and doesnt bring me around "them". There are "those" in his life that have been there for YEARS and I couldnt pick them out of a crowd. Never met "them" never seen "their" face. He keeps "them" away from me and me away from "them". He lives another life when he leaves home. He is that guy. The one on the lifetime movies. The one with 2 lives and everyone that is not "them" would be shocked to know.
I actually made a really good friend when I first moved here. We just clicked. We talked about everything. Really felt close. The friendship lasted about 6 years. A couple years ago I found out she was one of "them". She had been buying and selling drugs to my husband for some time. She had always known the issues we had. She was my person I leaned on. I was crushed. To think she was one of "them", part of the secret society I was not allowed to know anything about. She had prentended to be part of "us" and befriended me. I cant explain how even now it hurts. She was my friend and he had let her into the club.. the one I had been denied for so long.
I know is sounds a little bit crazy. Its not like I want to go out and be an addict. But being married to one of "them" makes me feel so alinated. I hate the secret society of "them".
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 54
I live in a very small town (I think there's 1500 people in my town), and years ago I was one of "them." When out in public, no one knew about our drugs use. None of my close friends did drugs, and they were clueless of what really went on. I had plenty of married friends who would leave their homes late at night to join us on our drug binges. Being "them" was all about acting like we were above everyone, but in reality, we were self destructing train wrecks with low self worth who just wanted to get drunk, high, higher, and higher (Our doc was cocaine).
Then I left "them" in 2005 and started dating my exabf in 2010. By 2010, I would have a few beers maybe twice every month, but I did not do drugs and party. My life had moved on toward something bigger and better. So when he relapsed, I became "us." And let me tell you, being "us" sucks. Our addicts are so honest with "them" because they are all on the same mission- to get messed up. And they are accepted by "them." And then "us" gets hurt by the lies, manipulations, and by the addiction in general because we care about them and want the addiction out of their lives. So they treat "us" like crap and leave us because the addict thinks that the grass is much greener with "them."
I do not know my ex's drug dealers and drug using friends either. He keeps them hidden from me. When he is with me, he is the guy who actually watches Lifetime movies with me and cries. But in his other life, he is a person who I would not ever even want to be associated with.
When I was "them", I thought my drug using friends were my best friends. HA! When the going got tough, they were all gone! Even though I have had many close sober friends betray me over the years, I would rather be "us" then "them" any day. I have good people in my life that care about me and I sleep alot better at night knowing that I am a good person who is not putting others lives at risks or in jeopardy by destructive behaviors.
Then I left "them" in 2005 and started dating my exabf in 2010. By 2010, I would have a few beers maybe twice every month, but I did not do drugs and party. My life had moved on toward something bigger and better. So when he relapsed, I became "us." And let me tell you, being "us" sucks. Our addicts are so honest with "them" because they are all on the same mission- to get messed up. And they are accepted by "them." And then "us" gets hurt by the lies, manipulations, and by the addiction in general because we care about them and want the addiction out of their lives. So they treat "us" like crap and leave us because the addict thinks that the grass is much greener with "them."
I do not know my ex's drug dealers and drug using friends either. He keeps them hidden from me. When he is with me, he is the guy who actually watches Lifetime movies with me and cries. But in his other life, he is a person who I would not ever even want to be associated with.
When I was "them", I thought my drug using friends were my best friends. HA! When the going got tough, they were all gone! Even though I have had many close sober friends betray me over the years, I would rather be "us" then "them" any day. I have good people in my life that care about me and I sleep alot better at night knowing that I am a good person who is not putting others lives at risks or in jeopardy by destructive behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Welcome. Glad you found this website.
Sometimes we forget that choose the path that we are on. I had to take a hard look at myself and when I did realized I was just blaming the drug addict in my life for my unhappy choices.
In all really, he was free to do whatever he wanted and hang out with whoever he wanted. And by staying with him I was telling him, with my actions, that his behavior was ok with me.
You get to choose how you lead your life, just as he does. If you decide to accept responsibility for your situation and change it (whatever that looks like - it has to start from within), there are many resources for you. But you have to want to change first. I don't get from your post that you want to change though. And that's ok. But I hope you don't waste too much of your life worrying about you AH and "them". Those things are out of control.
Do you have children? I always feel so bad for the children that live in situations like this. We have a choice but they don't. They are stuck. And they grow up confused, alienated and lost. It just perpetuates the cycle.
But being married to one of "them" makes me feel so alinated.
In all really, he was free to do whatever he wanted and hang out with whoever he wanted. And by staying with him I was telling him, with my actions, that his behavior was ok with me.
You get to choose how you lead your life, just as he does. If you decide to accept responsibility for your situation and change it (whatever that looks like - it has to start from within), there are many resources for you. But you have to want to change first. I don't get from your post that you want to change though. And that's ok. But I hope you don't waste too much of your life worrying about you AH and "them". Those things are out of control.
Do you have children? I always feel so bad for the children that live in situations like this. We have a choice but they don't. They are stuck. And they grow up confused, alienated and lost. It just perpetuates the cycle.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Angie,
I think if you found some more time to focus on you and the things that you like to do, that you would have less time to worry about *them*. Take this time to worry about yourself and what you are going to do about your life and your situation as well.
Having a friend betray your trust as yours did must have really hurt. There are other options here to consider when you are looking for someone to confide in, you can read and post here on SR, attend Nar-Anon/Al-Anon meetings (if there are any in your area).
I sure do hope that you will be able to start focusing more on you......
I think if you found some more time to focus on you and the things that you like to do, that you would have less time to worry about *them*. Take this time to worry about yourself and what you are going to do about your life and your situation as well.
Having a friend betray your trust as yours did must have really hurt. There are other options here to consider when you are looking for someone to confide in, you can read and post here on SR, attend Nar-Anon/Al-Anon meetings (if there are any in your area).
I sure do hope that you will be able to start focusing more on you......
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