littlegirllost7

Hello All!

I was doing well a few weeks ago, then last Friday I started again with my sneaking drinks and getting hammered after the fiance goes to bed. I am not sure what triggered it. It could be the stress of my upcoming trip back to my hometown to visit my family. I always dread it each year for different reasons. I love seeing my family, but there are issues there and I don't have good memories from that town in general. I hate that I started this again. Today I was so hungover from last night's binge that I went and got a six pack at 10 in the morning to get over it. I need to stop this cycle. I am feeling so much guilt and hate the sneaking and lying person I have become. I guess I am just mad that I can't be like most others and give or take a few here and there. I try and convince myself that THIS time I will control it. This really is such an awful feeling.

Anna

Hi,

It IS an awful feeling, but that's how it is when we're alcoholics.

If going to visit home is stressing you so much, why not put it off for awhile? Or if you can't put it off, can you shorten the visit or stay away from certain family members? Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

littlegirllost7

Thanks, Anna. All of us kids go home the same time each year. I am thinking that I am going to suggest next year that people are welcome to come visit me. I live by the ocean and so it would make better sense to have more of a 'vacation' for everyone. I think taking everyone out of that mentality of that town would be better. It's hard to explain, but it is a small town and everyone talks about everyone and it's just that it's always a negative tone there. I think we need to start a new tradition.

Dee74

I would only call it a failure if you don't do something about it, LGL

I'm with Anna - if something is that stressful for you, I'd consider bowing out for the year, and instituting your plan next year.

What kind of support structure do you have?

D

Happier

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. Unfortunately I can relate to the sneaking and the stress of "visiting the past". You are not alone. Try to get help and deal with these issues sooner rather than later. Sneaking is only sneaky for so long then you either fess up or get found out. Neither is as good as getting help and dealing with it before things get worse.
I am truly wishing you success and joy. Please seek it out.

littlegirllost7

I have one sister who I am very close with, but...she is a heavy drinker when we are together as well.. I think I am going to just have to change my attitude about that place somehow and get through this year..already have things paid for to get there. My family is very critical and so anything out of the ordinary (i.e. me not coming) would throw everyone into a tizzy. I would be the bad guy. So I have to ease a new plan into their heads. It's like walking on eggshells with them.

EmeraldRose

I have faced the fact that I'll never be the same as 'normal' drinkers. I will always have an issue with this stupid crap. I'm in it for life now.
It will come to you that you can't do this anymore. You have to change your thinking in that you can not drink like anyone else...I don't know about you, but I got tired of the head games I played with myself thinking I was tricking everyone else. The only person I was tricky was myself. You tasted sobriety...come back.

I know what kind of small town you are talking about because I'm in one now. I always say they know you've sh*t before you pull down your pants. Lude and crude but true. I was just walking my dogs talking to a dear old frined and told her I couldn't give juicy details during the conversation because this town has big ears.
I hope you can overcome the feelings you have about going home.

ToniBou

Family issues are a powder keg. Your user name is apt; that is one I have taken on in therapy: LittleGirlLost. I am just still trying to get sober myself and if I went home right now, well, I don't know how well I would do either. The bright and shiny fact is we both have managed to do it previously, for a length of time. Hold on. Are there pets there? I would like to duck out when things got to be what I considered ridiculous and impossible and walk the dog. Pets are the greatest since they love you no matter what. Knowing mine at home depend on me has helped too. Sounds trite, but it's a step. I hope the best for your trip and sometimes, just look up... the sky, the clouds, heck, the rain... look up.

Pachystima

I had family issues when I quit drinking the first time. I had a lot of alcoholic close relatives who wanted to have frequent family gatherings. These were basically drinking sessions. Shortly after I quit, I managed to survive one family gathering and stay completely sober; it was one of the most difficult weekends I have ever spent.

After that one weekend, I opted out of the family gatherings. I managed to stay sober for over 30 years. Sure, I became the family black sheep because I refused to enable their drinking. For over ten years, I didn't see my mother, father, brother or my alcoholic grandparents. They are all gone now; victims of alcohol-related health issues. Only I remain. My younger brother died three years ago of a race between cirrhosis and lung cancer.

As long as my family members lived, they blamed me for the schism in the family. My view? I refused to sacrifice my health and future in order to make them feel good about their drinking. Did I feel good about it? Not really. But, I don't feel too guilty about not helping them to ignore their problems either.

Please, put yourself first; at least for the short term. You can most likely patch up family issues later, once you are not so fragile.

Zebra1275

I understand the stress of family "reunions." But this will pass in a few weeks, what are you going to do about "you."

Your behavior of drinking when your significant other goes to bed, and then buying a 6 pack at 10:00 am to feel better is not good. I know, I've been there. I had trouble stopping that behavior on my own, I now use AA as a program of recovery. Do you have any program or plan to help you?

littlegirllost7

I'm not real comfortable with the AA idea yet. I am really thinking about trying to find a good church to start going to. I have been lost for over 10 years. It just keeps getting worse. I need this to stop. I have to find other ways to channel my negative thoughts that lead me to drink. That actually goes for the good things that make me want to drink...Oh, there's a great lifetime movie on...let's have a bottle of wine while I watch it or celebrating things. I need to learn to live without alcohol, period. I realize that I just simply cannot be a drinker. I don't want one glass, I want the whole bottle. Thanks everyone for writing. Makes me feel so much better that I am not alone and no one is judging anyone here.

EmeraldRose

My Mom had mentioned me finding a church since I moved 6 years and haven't found one yet. But thing is...I like AA better in comparison.
Years ago I was a superintendent for a Sunday School. The meetings were like walking into a den of lions with a steak tied to my leg. Everyone was against everyone else's ideas and everyone would criticize the job others were doing but they didn't want their job. They wanted to change things but couldn't agree on how to change it. Not to mention the gossip and backstabbing. It was just a mess.
AA people pull together. They are always willing to help each other and listen to your suggestions or situations. Best part is I can "believe" in anything I want. I can have a difference of opinion and it's fine. We all share a common bond -there's a silent relationship.

But you do need to get in touch with your inner power, your faith, to be successfull...so for you, church might be a great idea!

woowaa

That's me in a nutshell, except mine had gotten to 2+ bottles before I am now trying to stop for good.

My family is riddled with problems, long term falling outs as long back as my mum and dad with their siblings and somehow that has become normal for the whole family. They're nicely judgmental too and love to club together even if they hate each other if they think you are in the wrong which just makes you feel like crap.

You're not alone and you will get all the support you ask for here, glad you have recognised you have a problem and that you are trying to get things straight.

Happier

I think you have some great insights and great ideas. I totally agree with seeking out a Church family if you feel drawn towards that. There are no perfect people in Church nor in AA but I believe we are "wired" to interact with and help each other. In simplest terms, we need others and all the better if those others are in touch with a Higher Power. This is something I have to work on but am still convinced of it. I really support your inclinations and think you should follow through with them. GO! Seek it out.

newby1961

There is no one perfect in AA, darn it lol Progress not perfection

Sorry I couldn't help myself, at least you are reaching out on here and that is an awesome first step, so congrats.

When I read what you wrote I though OMG that was me several years ago. I live 3,000 miles away from my family.

There were two times that came to my mind one was I was sober maybe a month if that and I was so stressed about going back to see everyone that I go plastered on the plane oops.

I want to tell you things are a whole lot different today. I still get somewhat stressed about going home as I just went through this last week.

I go home about once a year and talk about issues Oh man we could have a heck of a reality show.

I am in the process of writing a book about my life so wait till that comes out. I think the trips are stressful now lol.

When you go back just know its only a visit and you are returning home. Try not to drink and I to go to AA it really isn't that bad. It is nothing like my mind told me it was. It is just a room full of a lot of people just like me trying not to drink one day at a time, at least for the most part.

Stay in touch on SR maybe it will help you during your visit?

HReady

Sorry you have fallen off the wagon. Hope you can get back to being Sober and guilt/shame free again soon. Have anyone close to you who you trust and can talk to about this?

I feel your pain. I also Hate going to visit Family.
How long is the visit? Rooming w/family or staying in a Hotel/Motel? If not staying w/family, perhaps you can excuse yourself and find some space in your Motel room to gather up/sort out your feelings before you have to go back to visit them.