mintie

Well i'm new here and pretty new to co-dependent recovery stuff. I broke up with AB of 6 months a few days ago as I came home and found him drinking yet again. I ended up having to have the police remove him. I am heartbroken but trying to work through this. I've been attending al-anon meetings for about 2 months so that is a great support. I love him but I simply can't be with him as he knows he's an alcoholic and has been to rehab before but is choosing not to actively be in recovery. He seems blind to the affect his drinking has.

My question is for those of you who have had to end things with their alcoholic other half. Is no contact or minimal contact the best way forward... for the time being at least? I want to hear how he's doing but he's on a sober 1 week bender the next routine and I never know whether it's Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde I'm going to get. I don't want to get back together with him but I'm so torn about how to proceed. I'm in my mid 20s and fairly inexperienced with relationships.

I feel sad but relieved I've made my choice. Any advice? Do I keep going to al-anon?

*Mintie*

barb dwyer

Hi Mintie and welcome to SR!

I think your post answers it's own question,

you're more comfortable with NC, then go with that.

How I WISH I'd had something like SR when I was in my twenties...
that's no indicator I'd have USED it though!

welcome welcome!

Personally -
I'm a nc person.
I'm more a 'move on' kind of person
and that's apparently not going to change.

I've always admired those who
manage to remain friends,
but I just didn't have the ....
whatever it is....
to be able to do that.

zrx1200R

"Is no contact or minimal contact the best way forward..."

YES!

Any advice? Do I keep going to al-anon?

certainly. If it is working for you. But Al-Anon doesn't give you a recipe for successfully dealing with these people. If you've been going, you should understand it is a way experience what others have gone through and gain insight from the shared experience.

If you were to find yourself in another relationship with an honest, sober, selfless, caring, loving, kind, helpful person....would you still need Al-Anon? I think not.

Best wishes for a bright future far, far removed from the complicated web spun from an alcoholic.

m1k3

One of the things that has really helped me in dealing with issues like this is to look at it as if it was a post you just read on SR. What advice would you give that poster? It removes a lot of the emotional attachment and lets you get a different perspective.

For example when I read your post, without the emotional attachment to your BF, I thought why would you want to get in touch with someone who was so insensitive that you had to have the police remove him?


Your friend,

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

I think NC (no contact) is a great idea.
At the end of a relationship, emotions are raw. Personally, I need time to feel my own feelings and take a good look at myself.

In my recent experience with dating, I have been able to remain friends with some of the ex-dates. However, that comes after a period of backing off and exploring my own feelings. Later, we can comminicate and share how things are developing in our lives - just staying in touch as friends.

That is how I roll in a normal healthy relationship.

Relationships with addicted personalities are not normal. They are loaded with reactions and drama. There is denial, manipulation, lies, blame-shifting, etc. For my own serenity, I find it best to stop contact with those behaviors.

dollydo

Hi,

I would op for NC. You cannot help him, this is his battle to fight and win, not yours.

Keep working on you,keep going to meetings, get out with your friends, move forward with your life!

suki44883

It all depends on whether or not you have made a definite decision. If you are truly done, then why would you need any contact with him? If you're still hoping he'll see the error of his ways and get help, then it's understandable that you'd want to stay in the loop regarding what's going on with him.

It's up to you. Decide what you truly want. If you're done, then be done.

Eddiebuckle

Mintie,

I was an active alcoholic when the 15 year relationship with my GF ended. My take: continue your al-alon meetings - they will give you perspective that you cannot get on your own (can't see the forest for the trees because you're in the middle of it). Go no contact - and don't expect this to somehow have a happy ending. It does not sound like he's ready to quit drinking for himself, and even if he were you'd be doing both of yourselves a disservice by dating until he had a year of sobriety under his belt. You can't save him from this, he's got to figure this out himself. Any contact you have will tend to keep you both in the same dance that brought you to ultimately calling the police to have him removed from your home.

I'm sorry if that sounds bleak, but until he decides to change and actually does the work necessary to make change occur, the situation will only get progressively worse. The sad truth is, many alcoholics never reach that point.

Sylvie66

Eddie - Thank you so much for your insight! I'm trying to be friendly and supportive - but I moved out 6 weeks ago. My ABF is slowly cutting down on drinking, but not really ready IMO to deal with full sobriety. I'm giving it a year, to see what happens. I'm considering going NC soon, a wrenching decision, because he's a great guy. Except for the disrespectful alcoholic part of him. We've been together for 5 years, so I figure it'll take awhile to progress through to the next phase.

- Sylvie

bruingirl

Hey mintie!

Welcome to SR! I hope you can find some advice around here that will help you through during this difficult time. I am a woman in my mid 20's as well and am just coming out of a serious 1.5 year relationship with XABF. I would say of that 1.5 years with him, that time was honestly some of the craziest in my life. I kept engaging with him over and over again, and kept talking to him, and trying to "fix" things so it dragged on. Had I just decided to go no contact with him earlier on (rather than now), I think about all of the time and stress and madness I would have saved myself from!

I'm so glad that you have come to a decision to not be with him, now just let him go in your past! Save yourself the headache of engaging with that guy. Now that I'm actually amidst the NC, for once, I'm actually feeling like I'm starting to heal very very slowly and regaining my strength again. We're still young, and we honestly should put forward all of our extra energy to finding another man who is actually worth our time!

mintie

Thank you all so much for being so kind to me. I am so pleased I found this place and people who "get" the situation.

I've only been NC for a day effectively since I had to co-ordinate returning things etc but now I've told him to only contact me through my Dad for any practical things like he remembers he left something at my place. This will sound like a ridiculous post but it's only been just over 24 hours and all I want to do is hear his voice

And now I've gone and searched on the dating site we met on and his profile is up again and "single, looking for relationships". Silly me. It feels like such a kick in the guts.

Gahhh I love him so much and hate him so much at the same time.

So, anyhow, instead of calling him I came on here. Thanks for your words of encouragement. They mean a lot.

bruingirl

Yay, good for you! Whenever I have/ had the urge to make contact, I tend to come on to SR too. Reminds me of all the bad things again and just validates why moving on is the best thing for myself. Before you know it, you'll be feeling more and more confident away from him!

mintie

Thanks Bruingirl! Funnily enough I was just reading the "What normies wouldn't know" post and that has totally set me back on track. You are so so right!

Tuffgirl

keep coming back, mintie. This is a great place to cure our addiction to the addict so we can go on and have a healthy rest of our lives.

P.S. he knew you would look on that dating website. Classic maneuver, ppfffttt...kid stuff. Laugh it off.

zrx1200R

stay strong, and remember he is only capable of acting in his best interest. Not yours. You are prone to act in others best interest. It is the way each of you is wired. And it is the only way the addict can find a relationship. But you can find another person like you. wouldn't it be nice to have a nice, kind, loving, thoughtful, cheerful, honest, trustworthy, selfless, practical, smart, and sober "partner"? Partner really is the word.. Someone you can do almost anything with who you trust and admire. And someone who acts in your best interest.

TakingCharge999

Hi mintie! oh please stop looking at his profiles, you will just get hurt. Addicts need enablers to keep on with their addiction. If you no longer support his behaviors he will just find someone else who does. It has nothing to do with love really, for anyone involved.

I broke up with an alkie ex 2.5 years ago, we were 27.. he got someone else right away and both drink like there's no tomorrow. Please don't expect this guy to change anytime soon. Or ever.

You can't chose only Jekyll, it comes with Hyde.

I agree with zrx that it will be wonderful when you work on yourself and later have a real partner, the one that makes you smile, gives you flowers, knows you well and would never EVER imagine to put you through similar stress or sadness. Someone healthy. But first you need to become healthy yourself. And I don't think anyone can be healthy surrounded by toxic people involved in slow suicide. Because its slow suicide.

In my case I went no contact and also stopped contact with his friends or people we both knew. I finally made a couple of new friends and its great to have people with similar interests nearby. I laugh again and only with much distance, time, therapy, talking to wise people here and in real life am I able to see the guy for who he is, someone very sick who was sick before I met him, was sick when we lived together, and continues to be sick.

I, I have changed and finally recovering and creating a safe place for me, being aware of who my friends are, doing what I like (I started painting again!!), remembering I like martial arts and Zen and yoga and chill out music and french toast and cuddling with my cats, and now I have time to do all that. I feel like my soul has returned to my body LOL.


Time to remember who mintie is, what she likes, what she doesn't like, what makes her heart sing.

I happen to work with EXABF and honestly he has not changed a bit. The same behavior, the same alcohol, the same misogyny(sp?), the same denial, the same selfishness, I am just glad I am no longer around such person nor longer attracted to someone who treats others as tools, doormats, sex objects, fellow drinkers, its all about how people can serve him really.

And its OK. I finally realized I don't have anything in common with the guy. As long as he stays away from my life he can do whatever. Not my problem anymore.

All the best, you can do this. In fact I contacted the ex many times, every.single.time I felt worse. There's no way to feel better when still in contact. At least that was my experience. As the song goes "the sun rises again when you leave..."