chelle195

Hi everyone,

Wondered if anyone could give me some help about this - its a long story but here goes:

My boyfriend (now ex) and I had been together for a year and a half, we were getting on really well and decided to live together, however as i am currently a student and living with my mum we thought it would be a good idea to let him move in with us until we could save up for our own place and my mum was letting him pay very little in order for this to happen. Anyway almost as soon as he moved in I noticed problems with his alcohol intake. He works in a pub and after a couple of months where he was normally getting home from it shutting around 12.30 at night he started making up excuses such as the cleaner has been off sick, toilets blocked blah blah that he wasnt getting home until 3.30-4am every other night and always clearly drunk this was the same when he did day shifts too and its pretty much been going on ever since. I spoke to him about it and he said it must just be because he downs a couple of pints before he leaves. Back in october he text me at 5 am and said he culdnt get a taxi home so was just gonna stay the night as he had been drinking with some girls from his old work. When he returned the next day I (without shouting and quite calmly) asked what happened and did say that how could i trust him and he stormed out said i was giving him abuse and didnt come back for almost a week. Anyway he came back as if nothing had happened and i was so stressed with uni that i let it pass. But its happened a good few time since then that he says he has an early delievery etc and just gonna sleep on the couch at his work. A couple of months ago i tried to speak to him about the fact i rarely seen him unless he was drunk or hungover and that we should spend more time together and he stormed out again! I got really peed off and ended up telling him not to come back - if felt bad it was a silly thing to say so i spoke to him again that day at his work and he said he'd come home later. Come 4am still not home and i called his work - he said he was drinking with one of the women from work and just gonna stay again cos he was tired and didnt want to come home to another fight when he was working early next morning. It sounds like cheating but i honestly dont think its that. We basically split up as i was very upset about it all. He said he would come pick up his stuff end of week but i asked him to talk about it and he said he couldnt bear to lose me he loved me loads and wanted to work it out so a week later we got back together. He was really apologetic and told me over and over that he loves me etc and we agreed to get our own place. One week later he called from work and said he was gonna have to stay over again - i was furuious - i called his work a while later and he shouted across the bar tell her to F off! the next morn i called again and he said he wasnt coming home to listen to me so i said to him you either come home talk or i will come to your work with your stuff and he said fine just drop my stuff off this isnt working for either of us! anyway i did then i tried to talk to him a few days later to sort it out - he ignored my calls again then text a few nights later saying its not bout anyone else its my job and u just dont understand that hope u meet someone else and that i should just bin any of his stuff he left (which included important docs, his tv, cd player clothes etc). I never replied then i text him a few weeks later as i never heard from him and was going out my mind with worry and he basically just said its not me or anyone else he wished it worked out and i was the best girl he'd ever met but i deserve better etc. That was a couple weeks ago now and still nothing but i am so confused as apart from all of that he was very affectionate to me and constantly telling me he loved me and culdnt stand to lose me etc then all this happened i just dont know what i did wrong. We literally had those 3 arguments in the whole 1 1/2 years and we got on brilliantly. I just dont get how he changes his mind so quickly and now seems to be totally over me and wants me to meet someone else. I have heard from mutual friends that he spent three weeks living in the pub he works in, only got somewhere to stay a couple weeks ago and apparently has been pretty much on a bender ever since even getting totaly drunk on his shift. Does anyone think he will ever realise what he's lost and come back or should i just give up hope on that one? Sorry this was so long and thanks for reading! Oh and i also sent him an email about alcoholism, his mum is an alcoholic too and i dont know if thats something to do with it all. He prob just thinks im a patronising pain in the backside but i wanted to do something as noone else seems to say anything to him and all his family live in australia so he only really had friends from the pub here.

Alone22

I know this is going to sound really blunt, but why in the world would you want to put up with this guy? You are young, going to college and have your whole life ahead of you. Why waste time with a guy who doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated and more than likely never will be able to treat you good. I would highly recommend reading the posts around here about all the he!! that we all go through and hopefully it will open your eyes so that it will be easier to move on from him. You need to run emotionally the other direction from this guy. He is doing you a HUGE favor and he is right, you deserve better. He is sick and there is nothing you can do about his illness. Let this relationship be a bump in your life and nothing more.

barb dwyer

Welcome to the forum, hon.

I hope you'll read the stickies at the top of the forum here
and educate yourself about alcoholism.

I was a bartender
who drank all the time as well.
I know what a rough road
he's go ahead of him
when he loses that job.
And he will.

If he decides to get sober that is.

He's right about one thing
you do deserve better.

I hope you'll make friends here
and find the support you need
to move on, and be happier.

Welcome to SR!

nicam

My XABF basically did the same thing to me, started staying later and later at work...always drunk and abusive when drunk. Broke up with me, said there were no other girls, just that he had to focus on work and getting his life together (which you don't accomplish getting drunk until 4 a.m. after work). I found out that there WERE other girls, several of them. They all rejected him because of his condition, and who do you think he called to rescue him every time one of the other girls rejected him and bruised his ego?

I felt the same way, how could he be over me and onto the next one so quickly if he ever loved me at all?

He can't see your worth, and that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, because of his disease. Things will not change. You are not doing either of you any good by sticking around.

Often times, an addict will only seek help when everyone around them has completely detached and there is nobody left to enable.

So sorry you are going through this. Stay strong!

chelle195

Thanks for your replies, i know i sound ridiculous when i say it outloud i cringe for myself but i just dont understand any of it its as if he is two totally different people and i really miss him, just feel like im the one whos being punished when its him thats done this and he seems to be totally unphased by the whole situation. When i heard he's been living in the pub (theres no shower or anyting there) i genuinely thought he would realise whats he done but as usual someone put him up so i doubt he's really fussed. Im actually 30 just staying at home as i hadnt long moved out my own flat i had with a cheating ex. I went out with a guy for 6 years who ended up was on heroin ( i was really young and naive) when we split up he got clean then hung himself a while later and not that i think my recent ex would do anything like that but i am just findng it really difficult to let go. anyway i guess ur right - i really know how to pick them lol

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. You have found a wonderful resource of information and support for dealing with alcoholism of loved ones.

I too have fallen for the charming, witty, affectionate, alcoholic that says all the right things. I married a couple too. It took me 20 years to figure this out about the charming, witty, affectionate alcoholics that say all the right things: their words dont match their actions.

Saying you love me and want to spend the rest of your life growing old with me, looks different than spending all your spare time with drinking buddies, and spending all your spare income on financing your social lifestyle while our personal finances are insufficient to support our personal expenses.

I had to accept that I was accepting unacceptable behavior BECAUSE I wanted to believe the words.

Today, I am learning to take better care of myself. I am learning to respect myself enough to not settle for empty words and promises.

One of the steps that helped me was reading Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More" . That book helped me understand that I was paying more attention to my partners needs than my own. I was putting my needs aside and always trying to meet my partners needs. Today, I let the other adults in my life take care of themselves, just as I am learning to take care of myself.

Stick around, these wonderful folks helped me understand myself better!

Pelican

Here are two of my favorite readings found on this website. They are located in the permanent posts (stickies) at the tops of the pages.

This one on dealing with alcoholism/addiction:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

And this one on understanding how alcoholism affects the entire body/soul/mind of the addicted:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

fourmaggie

now its time to take a good look at ......YOU...

have you been to AL ANON? nows the time....there is so much wisdom in those rooms...

3C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure

alcoholism is a disease...he is powerless to it...and you can not change HIM, only you can change you...

please go to al anon....it works if you work it

bruingirl

Hey Chelle!

Welcome to SR! I found SR not too long ago either and feel I can really relate to your situation with what I have gone through with my XABF.

I know how hard it is to think about all of the good memories and the good times you had with someone that you loved; someone that generously reciprocated that love too. I think the hardest thing to accept is that when they fall down the rabbit hole, they are NO LONGER the same people anymore. They will turn into a monster overnight. All of the desires that we have for the possibility of a relationship and future with that person are invalidated because they are no longer REALISTIC; we are dreaming of a future with the other person the other non-addict side of them. But truly we can't really separate the two sides because now both of them are very much present and will always continue to be, even if at times it seems like the bad side has diminished.

I'm sure you're also wondering "how could he do something like this?" But the point really isn't the how, because we will never understand how an alcoholic's delusional brain works. We have to accept that there will be no sane closure for us; we will never "get" it. The point is that he HAS done these things, and therefore at any point in the future he definitely has the capability to do these things all over again. Even if he were to become sober and "fix" his problems for a little while, do you really want the possibility of something like this happening again looming over your head? And by that time, your relationship would likely be more serious and the consequences would be correspondingly more serious as well.

I know I have a LOT of sadness about no longer being with the XABF and it is very difficult. It is really difficult thinking about the good XABF, but now I have to accept that the good XABF only comes with the VERY VERY bad XABF. That it is a package deal. Each day I realize that I do not want the bad anymore even if it comes with the good. I know that is truly for MY BEST in the long run. And that even though it seems hard right now, it will get better.

TakingCharge999

Thanks for this thread, all the posts have been helpful to me.

chelle, I recommend therapy so the next one is not the same conflicted, toxic person in a different body... I also had an EXABF, and an EX that always wanted to get something out of me, and an EX that was into LSD and mushrooms..... LOL

None of them have been partners at all so I believe the best for me is yet to come ! I truly do believe this now!


Anyway my break up with the alcoholic was the most painful thing. Its baffling, Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Its related to the cycle of abuse. An abuser harms you then buys you a flower so you stay, and he gets to abuse you again. Sad but I believe this is what XABF was doing.

I find solace in these 2 web pages.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Dependency - Relationship


In my case I broke up with XABF 2 years ago, he drinks the same or more. Nothing has changed. I work with him. He is an a$$hole. We might as well be strangers. I no longer recognize the person I fell for. And its OK. I am becoming more grateful of the fun we had. But no longer suffering thinking that he is a poor victim, or that he might change magically, or in the fantasy that "it was not that bad".


He is an addict, and will continue to be. And he hurt me while sober, too.

Just stating the facts.




As that link says, early alcoholics live in the future, later on in their life they start living in the past. They will always be alcoholics. Alcoholism is chronic and progressive.

We will heal from this, learn and move on. It gets much better. They unfortunately are in a train that leads to death if they don't wake up, with many losses among the way, material and immaterial. Today I am grateful I am not an alcoholic and I woke up soon enough not to have kids with that man, someone so incredibly selfish, and blind. I woke up and THAT is a miracle.

I just read a book that says alcoholism is having an illusion of human warmth... the smiles and camaraderie is all fake. For some people that's good enough, and its ok. I have learned I don't have to agree about what other person does... I don't have to like them, either..


As I was told here before, and now I tell it to you, "you are still writing your own story, can you believe in that?"

Babyblue

As much as you love him, the best thing in a situation like this is to let him live his life even if it is this self destructive. He is on a bender and will not hear or feel anything you do so it is a waste of your energy to even wonder the 'why's of his and your situation.

He has already lost something of value (you!) and stands to lose more but that is his to mess up. You are sort of in shock it sounds like so if there is al-anon in your area, definately go to meetings. We've all wondered what you have but that wonder or worry didn't bring the loved ones any closer to getting their lives together until they themselves chose to.

Hang in there.

TakingCharge999

I was reading your thread title and thought "WHEN was alcoholic boyfriend ever WITH me?"

As much as this sucks he was with me because I distracted him from himself and by drinking I made his drinking OK. And I used him as well for similar reasons, to distract myself and keep being abandoned, rehashing the unworthy feelings I know so well. And make life OK because that is what I was used to (daddy issues, never sure if he was going to visit and for how much time, and he never had time for ME, I had to share him with others... like I shared EXABF with Mr Jack Daniels)



I am just starting to learn I *MIGHT* be worth attention and good things only took me 29 years to learn this.. and it all starts with me giving all that to myself.



Therapy, chelle

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time, it must be very painful.

My dear, when you are talking to an active alcoholic you are talking to a bottle. I suggest moving on and finding the terrific guy you deserve.