want to deal the right way with my drinking exhusband for our kids sake
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
want to deal the right way with my drinking exhusband for our kids sake
back story shortened. i married my husband when we were in our early 20s after 2+ years of dating. he was a sober alcoholic when we met (both his parents suffer from the disease). approximately 4 years ago he decided that maybe he wasnt an alcoholic and just drank too much as a teen. the next 4 years where hell for me and my 2 kids. he became emotionally abusive and an all around mean person. we separated after he got physically violent one time. we are now divorced and he had about 15 months of recovery. i saw a complete turn around in him and saw the person i had met all those years ago. which is great for our kids. however about 2 months ago he started drinking again. he knows hes wrong. he knows he is choosing alcohol over his kids. he said last night on the phone after talking to our kids his first love is alcohol.
kay. well he and his girl friend have been together about a year and she and her family are drinkers. i cant vouch for if they have any problems or not. and honestly, its none of my business what they do when my kids are not present. however, its almost summer and the girl friend and her family have a pool and are big beach people. the kids are 5 and 3 and can not swim. he wants to take them to the pool on memorial day and can not say for certainty that, that day he will not drink. he has said he is not drinking when he has them 1 night a week on the weekends. i have no reason to not believe him (today).
BUT the idea of my kids at a pool being supervised by drinkers terrifies me. i cant say how much he is drinking today on a regular basis i can say what he was drinking when i lived with him (a 12 pack a night was normal). he told me when he was sober that he actually drove with our kids after a few while i was at work. im terrified. im trying to talk to him and say if you are going to drink fine - just not with the kids. i will come and get them. he and their family is on a totally different page with me in terms of what is and is not acceptable. i dont want animosity again. truly but i heard it in our phone call last night - im enemy number one again after months of getting along and truly being divorced parents who want whats best for our kids.
how can i reach him without creating anger and hate? how can i get him to understand that when he has our kids he is supposed to be responsible and he cant make some other person stay sober and watch his kids? especially at a pool?
i hope i have not completely overwhelmed whoever is kind enough to read this. i really just dont what to do. i have a call in for a mediator but in the meantime, please offer whatever advice you think could help. thank you.
kay. well he and his girl friend have been together about a year and she and her family are drinkers. i cant vouch for if they have any problems or not. and honestly, its none of my business what they do when my kids are not present. however, its almost summer and the girl friend and her family have a pool and are big beach people. the kids are 5 and 3 and can not swim. he wants to take them to the pool on memorial day and can not say for certainty that, that day he will not drink. he has said he is not drinking when he has them 1 night a week on the weekends. i have no reason to not believe him (today).
BUT the idea of my kids at a pool being supervised by drinkers terrifies me. i cant say how much he is drinking today on a regular basis i can say what he was drinking when i lived with him (a 12 pack a night was normal). he told me when he was sober that he actually drove with our kids after a few while i was at work. im terrified. im trying to talk to him and say if you are going to drink fine - just not with the kids. i will come and get them. he and their family is on a totally different page with me in terms of what is and is not acceptable. i dont want animosity again. truly but i heard it in our phone call last night - im enemy number one again after months of getting along and truly being divorced parents who want whats best for our kids.
how can i reach him without creating anger and hate? how can i get him to understand that when he has our kids he is supposed to be responsible and he cant make some other person stay sober and watch his kids? especially at a pool?
i hope i have not completely overwhelmed whoever is kind enough to read this. i really just dont what to do. i have a call in for a mediator but in the meantime, please offer whatever advice you think could help. thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I don't have the experience of yet having to go through this since I am not yet divorced BUT, I have a 5 and 3 yr old and have made clear to my AH that he can hate me all he wants but will not have them unsupervised for as long as he is drinking (and I am requesting that he have to have random screenings to see if he's been drinking).
As to the crux of your question:
I don't think that there IS a way for you to avoid angering him nor is it your job. If he is angry and hateful bc you are concerned for your kids well being while near water with an active alcoholic, then that's all the more reason to protect your kids.
Any parent who has their kids' welfare where it belongs would agree that an active alcoholic having kids near water is a bad bad idea.
Chances are, your looking to have this NOT happen WILL anger him bc he wants to think he is in control of his drinking and is fine.
Given the choice of not angering your H or doing everything in your power to keep your kids safe, I can tell from your post that you'd obviously choose the latter-- as would any sober, healthy parent.
I hope that the court will get back to you and that you can get a temporary order keeping the kids from being with him until he is safe to parent them. 5 and 3 yr olds (mine don't swim either) can disappear in an instant and active alcoholics aren't exactly known for their attention to the needs of others- even their kids...
I feel your pain more than you know-- you want your ex H to care enough about his kids well being to do whatever it takes to keep them safe and maintain a r/s with them. But he has chosen alcohol.
I don't want animosity either and want to have a co-parenting r/s that is positive but for as long as you question the denial he is in about being "fine" to drive, be w your kids etc... while he's drinking, you are going to be the target of his hate bc he certainly isn't going to direct it where it belongs which is at himself.
I too am enemy #1 with my in laws and some mutual friends bc of the way AH presents reality and his FOO seems to think that occassional drinking is fine for an alcoholic and I am the unreasonable one for being alarmed by never knowing when he might be drunk or not when with the kids.
I delayed the divorce for a long time bc I don't want to be the bad guy and I now know that for as long as I do not enable, I will be the bad guy and I can live with it bc all that matters frankly is my girls well being. If everyone in the world hates me bc of what I do to protect them I guess I'll have to live with that bc sacrificing them for the comfort of an A is NOT going to happen for another second. Of course that isn't to say that when the insults and anger is being hurled that it is not terribly hard to deal with.
If I were you I'd assume that he's going to be angry and hateful and you should plan what you're going to do to keep your kids safe and keep yourself from getting too sucked in to his abuse.
As to the crux of your question:
how can i reach him without creating anger and hate? how can i get him to understand that when he has our kids he is supposed to be responsible and he cant make some other person stay sober and watch his kids? especially at a pool?
Any parent who has their kids' welfare where it belongs would agree that an active alcoholic having kids near water is a bad bad idea.
Chances are, your looking to have this NOT happen WILL anger him bc he wants to think he is in control of his drinking and is fine.
Given the choice of not angering your H or doing everything in your power to keep your kids safe, I can tell from your post that you'd obviously choose the latter-- as would any sober, healthy parent.
I hope that the court will get back to you and that you can get a temporary order keeping the kids from being with him until he is safe to parent them. 5 and 3 yr olds (mine don't swim either) can disappear in an instant and active alcoholics aren't exactly known for their attention to the needs of others- even their kids...
I feel your pain more than you know-- you want your ex H to care enough about his kids well being to do whatever it takes to keep them safe and maintain a r/s with them. But he has chosen alcohol.
I don't want animosity either and want to have a co-parenting r/s that is positive but for as long as you question the denial he is in about being "fine" to drive, be w your kids etc... while he's drinking, you are going to be the target of his hate bc he certainly isn't going to direct it where it belongs which is at himself.
I too am enemy #1 with my in laws and some mutual friends bc of the way AH presents reality and his FOO seems to think that occassional drinking is fine for an alcoholic and I am the unreasonable one for being alarmed by never knowing when he might be drunk or not when with the kids.
I delayed the divorce for a long time bc I don't want to be the bad guy and I now know that for as long as I do not enable, I will be the bad guy and I can live with it bc all that matters frankly is my girls well being. If everyone in the world hates me bc of what I do to protect them I guess I'll have to live with that bc sacrificing them for the comfort of an A is NOT going to happen for another second. Of course that isn't to say that when the insults and anger is being hurled that it is not terribly hard to deal with.
If I were you I'd assume that he's going to be angry and hateful and you should plan what you're going to do to keep your kids safe and keep yourself from getting too sucked in to his abuse.
Last edited by wanttobehealthy; 05-26-2011 at 08:35 AM. Reason: wanted to add
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
you have every right to be concerned.
I've watched those 'rescue' tv shows
and not one person says
'well, we were drinking around the pool
and I thought SHE was watching
and she thought I was watching
and we eventually realized
we hadn't seen the kids for a while...."
I've never heard them say that.
They always say exactly the same thing"
"I just turned my head for a MINUTE"....
You have every right to be concerned.
There's not a single thing unreasonable in what you've written.
If it's going to be a war -
then we're here to support you
I know it's not as fun
as having someone come over and
give you a break from them...
but we're offering what we have.
Also check out the 'Y' in your area
and get them both into a swimming class.
My parents were boaters
and I remember way back in the early sixties
having to take swimming lessons
and being the youngest person there BY FAR -
I was four years old.
It'd be something you could do together
that could be fun while you do it
and ...
it'd give you the peace of mind
knowing they can at least get to the side of the pool and climb out.
I've watched those 'rescue' tv shows
and not one person says
'well, we were drinking around the pool
and I thought SHE was watching
and she thought I was watching
and we eventually realized
we hadn't seen the kids for a while...."
I've never heard them say that.
They always say exactly the same thing"
"I just turned my head for a MINUTE"....
You have every right to be concerned.
There's not a single thing unreasonable in what you've written.
If it's going to be a war -
then we're here to support you
I know it's not as fun
as having someone come over and
give you a break from them...
but we're offering what we have.
Also check out the 'Y' in your area
and get them both into a swimming class.
My parents were boaters
and I remember way back in the early sixties
having to take swimming lessons
and being the youngest person there BY FAR -
I was four years old.
It'd be something you could do together
that could be fun while you do it
and ...
it'd give you the peace of mind
knowing they can at least get to the side of the pool and climb out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
you have no idea how relived i am that i happened to google this morning and found this board. i have been jokingly saying that i have my own form of PTSD being married to an alcoholic (active and dry) for all those years.. although i know there is some truth behind that joke. the conversation last night all those years of being with him and his issues came flooding back to me. i dont want to go back to that role. i have made such progress for myself over this past year, for the better. it really does help me to know that there are people out there who get its not just the alcoholic who has problems. at least i am trying to actively work on mine and really my only goal is to do what is in the best interest of our kids. i do not want to take the punching bag (figuratively speaking) role back on. thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 26
Welcome to the boards.
I think you are doing a good job. Hang in there. BTW, my therapist said to me pretty early on that I had PTSD and I argued back that he'd never hit me...and she said no, you have it. It will crop up from time to time. So I bet you have it too.
One important thing I hope you are doing is keep a timeline of events/journal things he says/does. Its really easy to do this. In fact, if you use *****, they have a "documents" button at the top left side. Click it and open a fresh document. Just put the date, what happened. I think its really important that he stated that he's putting the alcohol over the kids. He's said it and that is something that a lawyer will need to hear someday.
Also, when you say you are divorced say "I divorced an addict". My therapist said its really, really important to own this. To own that its not a divorce between two people who are putting the needs of the kids first, but instead, its 3 entities - 2 people and One big fat elephant called drugs/alcohol. That's not a regular divorce.
You are doing great!
I think you are doing a good job. Hang in there. BTW, my therapist said to me pretty early on that I had PTSD and I argued back that he'd never hit me...and she said no, you have it. It will crop up from time to time. So I bet you have it too.
One important thing I hope you are doing is keep a timeline of events/journal things he says/does. Its really easy to do this. In fact, if you use *****, they have a "documents" button at the top left side. Click it and open a fresh document. Just put the date, what happened. I think its really important that he stated that he's putting the alcohol over the kids. He's said it and that is something that a lawyer will need to hear someday.
Also, when you say you are divorced say "I divorced an addict". My therapist said its really, really important to own this. To own that its not a divorce between two people who are putting the needs of the kids first, but instead, its 3 entities - 2 people and One big fat elephant called drugs/alcohol. That's not a regular divorce.
You are doing great!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource for information and support. We understand living with and living without an alcoholic parenting partner.
You posted this: the kids are 5 and 3 and can not swim. he wants to take them to the pool on memorial day and can not say for certainty that, that day he will not drink. he has said he is not drinking when he has them 1 night a week on the weekends. i have no reason to not believe him (today).
BUT the idea of my kids at a pool being supervised by drinkers terrifies me.
Your concerns are valid. Alcohol, water, and small children can be dangerous. (it can be dangerous for big people too)
Don't worry about making him mad.
He can get glad in the same pants he gets mad in.
You don't control his emotions, especially his anger.
You do have parental control over keeping your small children safe, protected and nutured. Good Mom!
Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed!
You have found a wonderful resource for information and support. We understand living with and living without an alcoholic parenting partner.
You posted this: the kids are 5 and 3 and can not swim. he wants to take them to the pool on memorial day and can not say for certainty that, that day he will not drink. he has said he is not drinking when he has them 1 night a week on the weekends. i have no reason to not believe him (today).
BUT the idea of my kids at a pool being supervised by drinkers terrifies me.
Your concerns are valid. Alcohol, water, and small children can be dangerous. (it can be dangerous for big people too)
Don't worry about making him mad.
He can get glad in the same pants he gets mad in.
You don't control his emotions, especially his anger.
You do have parental control over keeping your small children safe, protected and nutured. Good Mom!
Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Who cares if he gets angry??? Protect your children. He will be drinking, no question. If he can't say with certainty that he will be sober.....trust me, he won't be. Even if he promised you that he would stay sober, chances are he will drink.
Protect your children. Your gut is telling you what to do. Listen to it.
Protect your children. Your gut is telling you what to do. Listen to it.
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