Worried I triggered the re-lapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
Worried I triggered the re-lapse
After my wife had been sober a few weeks, working a new program based on intensive nutrition and diet, we were pleasantly surprised at the amount of change in her.
I have been guarded around her but Monday we had a lovely day, close, like old times, even genuinely loving.
That night, or the next day, she got herself some alcohol again.
I can’t help wondering that I should have held back more on my attentions.
Did I send the wrong message with my show of affections? On the face of it I didn’t feel it was wrong.
What do you think?
I have been guarded around her but Monday we had a lovely day, close, like old times, even genuinely loving.
That night, or the next day, she got herself some alcohol again.
I can’t help wondering that I should have held back more on my attentions.
Did I send the wrong message with my show of affections? On the face of it I didn’t feel it was wrong.
What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Somebody else will probably post this too:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
I've been there too, wondering if something I said or did or didn't say or didn't do was the reason that my AW justified drinking to herself. She'd even say so on occasion. But you did not drive her to the liquor store and hand her cash.
Just my $0.02.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
I've been there too, wondering if something I said or did or didn't say or didn't do was the reason that my AW justified drinking to herself. She'd even say so on occasion. But you did not drive her to the liquor store and hand her cash.
Just my $0.02.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry - but rest assured it's not your fault 
If your wife is anything like me ValJester she didn't need a reason to drink....I would drink because the day had a Y in it...
Seriously, often there was no reason at all.
I would be mystified why I drank - but I did.
I'd have some experience with this from your side too - it would be wonderful if we could cure people with love and good times...but we just can't.
Our loved ones need to walk their own walk and find their own path in their recovery - as much as we might want to, we can't walk it for them
D
If your wife is anything like me ValJester she didn't need a reason to drink....I would drink because the day had a Y in it...
Seriously, often there was no reason at all.
I would be mystified why I drank - but I did.
I'd have some experience with this from your side too - it would be wonderful if we could cure people with love and good times...but we just can't.
Our loved ones need to walk their own walk and find their own path in their recovery - as much as we might want to, we can't walk it for them
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
I was told so many times that t was "my issues" when it came to our relationship caused the EX to relapse.
I spent way too much time questioning my motives, actions, reactions and words till I was a blubbering mess of goo. Then, I went to Al-Anon and this was and still is my mantra:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Hugs and support coming from me to you.....
I spent way too much time questioning my motives, actions, reactions and words till I was a blubbering mess of goo. Then, I went to Al-Anon and this was and still is my mantra:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Hugs and support coming from me to you.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: SE United States
Posts: 39
Absolutely not. I cannot stress that enough! If she is going to choose to drink, she will do it- whether you are the perfect husband or the biggest jerk in the world. If we could fix the alcoholic by being the perfect spouse, I certainly would never have had a reason to come to SR. I busted my rear trying to take care of everything and never upset AH or ask anything of him, and all it got me was exhausted, mad, and feeling terribly used and unappreciated. And he drank anyway!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
I agree with what everyone is saying here.
The 3C's bud. It's helped me through some hard times. I still forget them but I'm learning to stop listening to my selfdoubt and simply accept that facts that I did not cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
Just this very night, it happened to me. I was blamed and I told my wife, that I did not cause her to drink.
The 3C's bud. It's helped me through some hard times. I still forget them but I'm learning to stop listening to my selfdoubt and simply accept that facts that I did not cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
Just this very night, it happened to me. I was blamed and I told my wife, that I did not cause her to drink.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm an RA and a recovering codie, with loved ones who are A's. I can tell you, without a doubt, that you did not trigger her drinking. Short of someone holding a gun to my head, forcing me to smoke crack, there's nothing that will make me use, unless it's my own choice, and I've been through some pretty rough stuff in recovery (including having a gun in my face, twice during robberies at work, and getting pistol whipped the second time).
Wanna know what my first thought was, as I sat in the ER, getting staples in my head? "please, God, get me home so I can get on SR". I now have a phone where I can access e-mail from friends, here, or even SR. I choose recovery, she chose to drink, and it has nothing to do with anything you did.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Wanna know what my first thought was, as I sat in the ER, getting staples in my head? "please, God, get me home so I can get on SR". I now have a phone where I can access e-mail from friends, here, or even SR. I choose recovery, she chose to drink, and it has nothing to do with anything you did.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
What everyone else has said - and a reminder that your wife is a grown up. She makes her own decisions, regardless of what you do or don't do.
Detach. It may just be a slip. They happen. Don't make a big deal out of it - just watch and wait...more to be revealed as to whether or not she's back on or a momentary relapse.
Detach. It may just be a slip. They happen. Don't make a big deal out of it - just watch and wait...more to be revealed as to whether or not she's back on or a momentary relapse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'll second (or 4th-5th) it. No way, ValJester. If it were the case that being too attentive and caring made her drink, would being indifferent to her have made her not drink? Nope, not likely, it would've just been her excuse to drink.
It didn't matter what I did with XAH. He drank if I catered to his every whim and treated like a sultan. He drank if I didn't praise him for taking out the trash. He drank.... It's a hard guilt to let go of, but it's not mine.
It didn't matter what I did with XAH. He drank if I catered to his every whim and treated like a sultan. He drank if I didn't praise him for taking out the trash. He drank.... It's a hard guilt to let go of, but it's not mine.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
My AH relapsed also, after being home for 3 weeks from a 28 Rehab center. That just so happen to cost us $10,000.00
The answer I give to you is: NO
You did NOT cause it....She is an alcoholic!!!!!!!!!
Getting out of my own denial, of what an alcoholic really is, helped me alot...
For her it is ONE DAY at a time, For YOU it is ONE DAY at a time, if not minutes!
You need ALANON (1) time a day, You need to read S&R (5) times a day..
You will get the meaning of it.....sooner or later
It's tough I understand....
The answer I give to you is: NO
You did NOT cause it....She is an alcoholic!!!!!!!!!
Getting out of my own denial, of what an alcoholic really is, helped me alot...
For her it is ONE DAY at a time, For YOU it is ONE DAY at a time, if not minutes!
You need ALANON (1) time a day, You need to read S&R (5) times a day..
You will get the meaning of it.....sooner or later
It's tough I understand....
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
We don't drink because something happens.
We don't drink because something doesn't happen.
We drink because we're alcoholics.
SOmething my first sponsor used to say to me -
"You know there's a God"
(yes)
"You know it isn't you."
(er.)
I started saying that in the mirror for a while.
It was very very powerful.
We don't drink because something doesn't happen.
We drink because we're alcoholics.
SOmething my first sponsor used to say to me -
"You know there's a God"
(yes)
"You know it isn't you."
(er.)
I started saying that in the mirror for a while.
It was very very powerful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
This is what I've been reminding myself of when AH tells me I cause him to drink, cause him stress, am the cause of all evil in the world etc... you get the idea:
If I have the power to CAUSE him to drink and do self destructive things then I'd also have the power to STOP him from doing those same things and we all know how that story ends!
If I have the power to CAUSE him to drink and do self destructive things then I'd also have the power to STOP him from doing those same things and we all know how that story ends!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
OK, 100% consensus on, you did not cause your AW relapse!!! My AH went recently to an AA meeting (kind of coerced by a counselor), and he was annoyed by a guy who said,
AH (in his still alcoholic brain) thought that was so stupid and unhelpful he decided he wouldn't go back to AA.
I, on the other hand, thought it was a gem of an insight, profound in its simplicity.
"You're either going to drink or you're not."
I, on the other hand, thought it was a gem of an insight, profound in its simplicity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: No Surf In Cleveland USA
Posts: 60
How about getting blamed for it by not only your AW, but also her family and friends ! This was before everybody realised she was a alcoholic. She would get drunk & would telephone everybody that my son & I were S.O.B.s to get her self sympathy from them ! Heck, she had her drinking & non drinking friends & her retired Police Officer, Christian father convinced we were the A-holes ! So my son and I would get crap from them also. Talk about getting it from all sides !
Her father before he knew for sure (he was in denial) she was a alcoholic blamed my son and I for her drinking ! I could not hold back, I really did'nt want to hurt him, but I had to tell him. So I told this holy man that the start of her addiction started well before I ever met her. It started well over 30 years ago. "She was drinking & dropping acid at age 16 under your roof & dime, so go figure." It floored him, he had no clue ! After seeing his daughter going to jail many times now, he does understands now!
Nope we don't cause this crap !
I've said this before. "When a alchoholic graps that bottle they got 4 fingers pointing right back at them."
Her father before he knew for sure (he was in denial) she was a alcoholic blamed my son and I for her drinking ! I could not hold back, I really did'nt want to hurt him, but I had to tell him. So I told this holy man that the start of her addiction started well before I ever met her. It started well over 30 years ago. "She was drinking & dropping acid at age 16 under your roof & dime, so go figure." It floored him, he had no clue ! After seeing his daughter going to jail many times now, he does understands now!
Nope we don't cause this crap !
I've said this before. "When a alchoholic graps that bottle they got 4 fingers pointing right back at them."
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
My wife after her latest 5 day blackout binge blamed me for not seeing it coming and our 2.5 year old granddaughter and 1.5 year old grandson whom she babysits, because they were just too much stress for her.
Note: she only babysat them 1 at a time and only 1 day a week for each of them.
Note: she only babysat them 1 at a time and only 1 day a week for each of them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Lifesalongsong- You reminded me (which I share only bc maybe someone else this is happening to will feel less alone knowing it's not just them experiencing this) that many many times my AH was drinking he'd text his brother and mutual friends about how crazy and abusive and insane I was and while he was blissfully drunk for years and not dealing with the pain that drinking allowed him to escape, he destroyed my good r/s with many people who are too blind to see what was really happening. I found that some of the saddest stuff of all. And of course the times I'd mention that I was upset the r/s were ruined bc of his lies I'd be told that had I not caused him to drink and tell our friends/family the things he did (which were lies) I'd still have those r/s. That was tough to take.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
The family *has* to blame someone.
Otherwise, they have to take responsibility
for what they helped create.
Which is there *is* blame;
it's usually with them.
That just goes with it.
I mean,
how can individuals
who helped shape and mold
the alcoholic's behavior
be advanced enough
to understand responsibility?
Not possible.
Not EVERY family is 'at fault'
but when you get the
'methinks thou dost protest too much'
syndrome
you know they're aware of their own part in it.
Just take that and move on with it where it is.
Otherwise, they have to take responsibility
for what they helped create.
Which is there *is* blame;
it's usually with them.
That just goes with it.
I mean,
how can individuals
who helped shape and mold
the alcoholic's behavior
be advanced enough
to understand responsibility?
Not possible.
Not EVERY family is 'at fault'
but when you get the
'methinks thou dost protest too much'
syndrome
you know they're aware of their own part in it.
Just take that and move on with it where it is.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: No Surf In Cleveland USA
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
Lifesalongsong- You reminded me (which I share only bc maybe someone else this is happening to will feel less alone knowing it's not just them experiencing this) that many many times my AH was drinking he'd text his brother and mutual friends about how crazy and abusive and insane I was and while he was blissfully drunk for years and not dealing with the pain that drinking allowed him to escape, he destroyed my good r/s with many people who are too blind to see what was really happening. I found that some of the saddest stuff of all. And of course the times I'd mention that I was upset the r/s were ruined bc of his lies I'd be told that had I not caused him to drink and tell our friends/family the things he did (which were lies) I'd still have those r/s. That was tough to take.
Thanks for shareing wanttobehealthy. Know how you feel !
Yep, I'm to the "crazy one". Heard it so many times that I needed medication she said. I only heard it from her when she was plowed.
The rest of the family knows her whole drinking story now. In fact her dad has been a great help to me after he understood what was going on . I do love her family, they are O.K..
Just couple of her drink/sober friends still blame me from her drunk stories. I could give a rats ace now what they think. You'd think that her friends could notice who's going to jail all the time. I've never been to jail, I've never even had a traffic ticket ! One of her friends is a confessed A & says she'll never quit. She called me the other night when my wife was in jail for the 4th time this year and tried to pin my son & I on it. I just calmly asked her these questions.
Do you have a husband ? Do you have children ? Do you own a home ? Can you drive ? Do you have a job ? The answers were, "No" to all. Then I asked her are you drinking right now ? She answered, "Yes". I then said I hope that my wife can become sober some day. To give this gal some credit she then did admit and say that maybe she should stay away from my wife to help in her recovery. We both politely agreed and said good bye.
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