AH being reasonable!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
AH being reasonable!
I told my AH of 23yrs that I was leaving about 6 weeks ago and moved into the spare room until I could find somewhere nice of my own. I have been grunted at and ignored for all of those weeks now.
This weekend I opened new bank accounts in preparation. I canceled his credit card as it was a additional one on my account, paid off the credit card with our joint savings and divided the rest between us, doing it as fairly as possible.
He wasn't happy about that but I told him just before I was heading out of the door for an evening event, so luckily left him stewing. My stress levels increased thinking that he could now get nasty, as he has done in the past.
The next day he was extremely nice to me. Very pleasant and accommodating. The last time I told him I was leaving and he wasn't at all bothered was when he had an internet love fling happening at the same time.
He even mentioned to our DD20 today that he was being 'nice' to her mum. She said to me that 'so he should be'.
Why even mention being nice? The synic in me thinks its a bit of manipulation to keep his DD on side as she is all he really has left of his family, once I leave.
It doesn't matter really why hes being nice, I am over trying to figure him out and playing the 'guess what he is going to do next' game and treading on eggshells. Just getting it off my chest so to speak.
I am grateful that he is being nice though, as it will make the move less stressful and much easier for me.
This weekend I opened new bank accounts in preparation. I canceled his credit card as it was a additional one on my account, paid off the credit card with our joint savings and divided the rest between us, doing it as fairly as possible.
He wasn't happy about that but I told him just before I was heading out of the door for an evening event, so luckily left him stewing. My stress levels increased thinking that he could now get nasty, as he has done in the past.
The next day he was extremely nice to me. Very pleasant and accommodating. The last time I told him I was leaving and he wasn't at all bothered was when he had an internet love fling happening at the same time.
He even mentioned to our DD20 today that he was being 'nice' to her mum. She said to me that 'so he should be'.
Why even mention being nice? The synic in me thinks its a bit of manipulation to keep his DD on side as she is all he really has left of his family, once I leave.
It doesn't matter really why hes being nice, I am over trying to figure him out and playing the 'guess what he is going to do next' game and treading on eggshells. Just getting it off my chest so to speak.
I am grateful that he is being nice though, as it will make the move less stressful and much easier for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
by all means, enjoy his good behaviour while it lasts. As the resident dream crusher, I offer it won't last long. As soon as he figures out being nice for a couple of days won't undo the years, he'll be back.
But take advantage of it while you can. And with any luck, it is the first sign he may be figuring it out.
But take advantage of it while you can. And with any luck, it is the first sign he may be figuring it out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
It didnt last long!
He cooked dinner for me yesterday evening (nice), only we hadnt discussed anything and I had to work late. He rang to find out where I was and I told him that I was still working and not sure when I would be home. He got a bit defensive (nasty) and I ended up cutting him off and telling him that I had to go.
I have been reading a couple of books on verbally abusive and controlling men and my marriage of 23 yrs is written all though them! Anyway, being nice can be a form of abuse too if it is being countered with nasty. Its the feeling of not knowing which way they are going to be.
I did feel that because we were separated and we hadnt discussed what we would eat that evening, then I didnt have let him know that I was working late. I felt as though he had set me up to fail, cooking a meal without my knowledge, expecting me to turn up and then making out that I am in the wrong for not informing him. It also left me questioning myself and wondering whether I was in the wrong for not being thoughtful enough to let him know. This (questioning yourself) is a symptom of being abused, I have discovered.
After reading the verbal abuse books, I can see that I am going to need some more therapy (or reading etc) to deal with everything that has happened, as I am not sure what a healthy relationship is anymore. Not right now but when I am ready to move on. Incidents that have occured in the past are slowly making sense to me now, so thats a good thing.
Once I leave and get my own place and life back on track it will be down to 'time' being the great healer.
He cooked dinner for me yesterday evening (nice), only we hadnt discussed anything and I had to work late. He rang to find out where I was and I told him that I was still working and not sure when I would be home. He got a bit defensive (nasty) and I ended up cutting him off and telling him that I had to go.
I have been reading a couple of books on verbally abusive and controlling men and my marriage of 23 yrs is written all though them! Anyway, being nice can be a form of abuse too if it is being countered with nasty. Its the feeling of not knowing which way they are going to be.
I did feel that because we were separated and we hadnt discussed what we would eat that evening, then I didnt have let him know that I was working late. I felt as though he had set me up to fail, cooking a meal without my knowledge, expecting me to turn up and then making out that I am in the wrong for not informing him. It also left me questioning myself and wondering whether I was in the wrong for not being thoughtful enough to let him know. This (questioning yourself) is a symptom of being abused, I have discovered.
After reading the verbal abuse books, I can see that I am going to need some more therapy (or reading etc) to deal with everything that has happened, as I am not sure what a healthy relationship is anymore. Not right now but when I am ready to move on. Incidents that have occured in the past are slowly making sense to me now, so thats a good thing.
Once I leave and get my own place and life back on track it will be down to 'time' being the great healer.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
It's difficult, dealing with abuse.
In some ways, it's more confusing dealing with non-physical abuse, because it takes a lot longer to recognize it as abuse.
I do agree with you, regarding the dinner. It is a setup for failure, because you had no requirement to inform him of your plans. He wanted to play the "thoughtful victim," and so he set it up so that he could portray himself that way. It has nothing to do with you, your actions, or any lack thereof - it's all on him.
I am looking forward to when you can remove yourself from this situation entirely.
You deserve better.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Eight Ball -
this is 'kinda' OT,
but I hope you'll get time
to go back over your older posts
and see how much LIGHTER you are in these posts.
Something has gotten so much ... lighter is the only word I can come up with
now that youi've made the decision and are working that way.
and yes boy howdy
I suppose one dinner in how many years
you're supposed to 'know' this is happening
after all the other time with nothing
like some fat litle baby with wings
was going to suddenly appear on your shoulder
and say =-
hey he's making his first dinner in bla bla bla years
you need to go home
when for the most part staying late
didn't make any difference what so ever....
that's the mental rubber band
that even when they finally DO something nice
they make it bad or hurt also.
Or at least make it so that
the danger of impending 'bad'
is right around the corner.
Who needs to call that their 'life'?
I think you're doing great, personally!
And good for you making a 'future list'
of things you're going to work on in the future!
wow.
this is 'kinda' OT,
but I hope you'll get time
to go back over your older posts
and see how much LIGHTER you are in these posts.
Something has gotten so much ... lighter is the only word I can come up with
now that youi've made the decision and are working that way.
and yes boy howdy
I suppose one dinner in how many years
you're supposed to 'know' this is happening
after all the other time with nothing
like some fat litle baby with wings
was going to suddenly appear on your shoulder
and say =-
hey he's making his first dinner in bla bla bla years
you need to go home
when for the most part staying late
didn't make any difference what so ever....
that's the mental rubber band
that even when they finally DO something nice
they make it bad or hurt also.
Or at least make it so that
the danger of impending 'bad'
is right around the corner.
Who needs to call that their 'life'?
I think you're doing great, personally!
And good for you making a 'future list'
of things you're going to work on in the future!
wow.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Sustained change - my mantra for now. Show me sustained change. A long time of it. Then maybe I'll reconsider. Or maybe I will already be off doing other, more exciting adventures. Who knows. But for today - I accept the little niceties with a grain of salt, knowing only sustained change will change my mind.
Stay strong in your resolve. You are doing great!
~T
Stay strong in your resolve. You are doing great!
~T
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