TakingCharge999

Today I achieved nothing.

Woke up really late.

Have been just.... wandering. Not even sad to cry or anything.

Just feeling lonely. I had invited some friends to my home but they all had plans with their families or boyfriends. So it reminded me how I am all alone here! join my pity party.

I could have called a couple of other friends but I just didn't feel like socializing.

I also had really bad eating habits today, felt fat and ugly. lol.


I came to the office to talk via Skype to my sister and mom but it has not been succesful so far.

I am in the office at midnight, at the same time passing some of my work to a guy in India. And by the end I will email my manager and tell him I will be in the office tomorrow later, as I am already working here these hours.


Days like these make me wonder if I shouldn't be back in antidepressants.

Sometimes I feel its not that much about what is going on outside but about something lacking in me, some chemical I just don't have that makes me want to leave bed.

I know my mom has been like that for DECADES. So now I feel like a failure. Doesn't help to check facebook and see a former coworker and a girlfriend earns more than me, works less than me, is studying her Masters degree and is also an actress and today participated in the premier of yet another theater program.

And me, with a whole day, can't even grab a single decent meal, read ONE page of ANY book, open ONE paint can...

Pity party, everybody is invited!!

The downside of pills is that they used to make me very sleepy and I can't afford not to listen to my pages when working late night.


I guess also ignoring EX has brought this extra time, so its like I no longer want to hang around with depressed ones, or super religious ppl (they are nice but they always want me to join their church and I don't like that), and the rest is married and has babies.

The last new girlfriend I got went back to her boyfriend so she no longer goes to the gym nor wants to go out with me, now its all about him, again.


Perhaps I am being too "picky"? No, right? I shall continue to do my thing and get healthier instead of having whoever around just to avoid the loneliness. That will take me to new friends... I hope.

Well, I am achieving a little at work... and I also read about a "surf training for beginners" aimed for women......... too bad its 2000 USD... LOL... but hey at least I can look forward to something. I would like to travel solo and make new friends.

For some reason I am getting interested in surf. Perhaps because I have this lingering feeling of "being left out of the action". And because I don't think I would be able to surf, or at least to try. Perhaps its a good challenge that starts with remembering how to swim. AND putting on a swimsuit and not caring about what others may think of my fat or my cellulite.


THANKS for letting me vent. YAY its Monday 23rd!! Sunday ended!! perhaps I feel better today.

LaPinturaBella

TC...Sometimes we just have completely BLAH days. If you can't literally make yourself get out of bed for a month and are so down that you don't eat, you don't work, you don't bathe, you just don't give a darn about anything...for a period of time, then get on anti-depressants. It sounds like you're just having one of those days. :ghug3

naive

when i feel like that, i remind myself that i might feel different tomorrow. and i normally do.

perhaps try using the gratitude tool? what are you grateful for...might shift the mood...

TakingCharge999

Thanks LPB. What are you doing here so late??

I got inspired by you today, and by your dirty pants for painting, lol. I would like to have pants for painting too. I already got old t shirts.

Do you have an online portfolio of your art? you are an inspiration.

I got many ideas for artwork, but its like I just can't start. I wander and see artists showing their paintings and I go "I should do that". But I just don't.


Now, while doing totally boring stuff at work, I am thinking of these 3 ways I have boycotted myself.

Once, starting to go out with recent EX, who is poor, let's be honest, has no education, let's be honest. I was starting to have an "abundance" thing going on, mostly about love for life, opportunities, HOPE, and there I go to drain it and engage with someone who took and took and never gave anything to me.

The second one was my trips and my family, GRANTED there's no one I love as much as my sister and my mom, but thanks to my sis living in the other side of the world I got to spend my year holidays with her, stop therapy altogether (individual and group therapy were making me much stronger), and isolte also because I need to save every penny to pay for my trips, visa, etc. I resent that a little bit. Thus I need to make a point to plan my next years holiday somewhere I would like to go, not a place where someone else is and I go because I miss them. I don't think I EVER planned a holiday for ME. It was always to meet someone else, or because someone else wanted...

3rd boycott, work. Can't seem to study. I just can't. WHY? I NEED to study for an IT exam and I have been dragging it for months.


Thanks for letting me vent again.

I just see some people and for them getting excited and being happy seems very very natural. But then again, now that I think of it, these are people that have always lived in the same place, already got their friends, live in mommy's house and don't have to cook or clean or do laundry or pay rent, so given that "stability" I would guess they have more time & energy for other stuff.


I may continue rambling...

bruingirl

TC, I think it is very normal to feel that way. Even though everyone may make it seem like their lives are a certain way (perfect and happy), I think the feeling of loneliness is something that is very much universal despite outside appearances. Being newly single myself, I especially know what you mean about girlfriends being busy with their boyfriends and families. And I totally also understand what you mean about having one of those fat unhealthy days that make you just feel gross.

I think like Bella said we just have to make sure we don't feel this way for a sustained amount of time (greater than 3 weeks I would say). If we are able to get out of the slump before then I think it is a good idea to utilize the time and do activities that we really enjoy and motivate us. That way when the "blegh" feeling comes around next time we'll be better prepared for it and we'll be more able to make ourselves feel better quicker.

TakingCharge999

Thanks naive...


Grateful for...
A brand new day, to try again.

TakingCharge999

And for SR friends that get me.

I feel much better now that I got my thoughts "out there".

GettingBy

TC...

What I 'read' in your post is a woman who is comparing her insides to others outsides, and is frustrated because she can't compete. You don't know what goes on inside others heads and hearts, all you see is the outside and what you perceive their life to be. Perception is NOT reality.

I used to be in Facebook, but I left for a whole host of reasons. One of them was that i had begun to feel like a voyeur. Spending all sorts of time looking at friends pictures,posts, and thinking, "geez, look how happy and perfect THEIR life is!!! I'm such a failure!!! I married an alcoholic and all my pictures are from just the kids and I... No happy family picture to post.". (side note we have only ONE picture of us four together... 3.5 years ago when son was born. Sad.)

Anyways, I deleted the facebook account, and stopped comparing my life to others. The only thing I compare it to these days is the life I want for me. I've outlined what I want, and then, step by step, I'm working towards it. I am right where I am supposed to be. Learning things that I need for my own personal growth.

When we accept our lives as our own, and live our own journey, we free ourselves from so much pain and sadness. This is your life. You're in control... Do whatever YOU want with it.

wanttobehealthy

TakingCharge- I'm sorry you had such a blah Sunday. Reading your post I thought 'gee, I've had days just like that-- feeling bad, not wanting to socialize but wanting to have people to be around, envying what others have, just feeling down in the dumps ...' I think even people who aren't dealing with an A and all the chaos that being with or being apart from them creates, have 'down' days...

Glad you felt comfortable sharing and I hope today is a better day for you... I don't know about you, but I find that Sundays are often days I struggle to be 'up'. It should be a day of rest, family day etc.. and for years it was stressful and I'd be eager for Monday to come but also upset that I didn't take full advantage of the weekend so I'd get in this funk about it all... Maybe that's some of it?

Thinking of you and hoping today is better.

TakingCharge999

Thanks all!

I feel better today.

GettingBy, thanks, in this case I know my friend and she is indeed all those things that appear on the outside! but you are right, why the comparison? Its just not fair to me. So, I will STOP DOING IT.

I went to Pilates and kick boxing and am feeling much better......laughed a lot, we have fun while doing kick boxing... I work for a couple of hours, then home to take a bath and watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy reruns.

Thanks I am excited about the surfing plan