Nirvana1

Last summer my drinking spiraled out of control when I lost a job and a girl at around the same time. I had progressed to a 3-4 day in a row blackout drinker and didn't even care how out of control I was because I felt I had nothing to stay in control for.

I knew my drinking was a major problem but just didn't care to stop. I had a new girlfriend who didn't care how much I drank, drinking buddies who were hanging right there with me, and a lot of other chaos that I couldn't control.

My father is a recovering alcoholic and has absolutely never spoken a word about his rehab, time in AA, or anything else. I mean I haven't even overheard a word of his sobriety in his 12 years clean.

So to my resentment:

I knew absolutely no one on the planet who I could reach out about my drinking problem. I had never asked anyone for help. I picked up the phone and called my dad after a 4 day binge and told him my drinking and asked to be taken to the hospital.

His response "I'm coming to get you but youre not going to the hosiptal" I spent the next 5 days in agony not drinking and going through major withdrawal. I even had to fly to the east coast and was so sick that I was pleading with my dad that I was too sick to go. He basically forced onto the plane and I spent the worst week of my life going through the sickness and pain.

Now going through AA and seeing how everything works, I am EXTREMELY resentful that when I reached out for help my dad simply ignored it. He essentially forced me to self detox and not get help and did the opposite of what is almost the first rule of AA; Always be there when another alcoholic reaches out. How could he not know that I was hurting is beyond me, and I still don't know why he acted the way he did being a recovered alcoholic himself.

Taking5

Your dad did help, just not in the way you wanted. He did the best he knew how to do. How can you have a resentment against that?

Mark75

He was there, you said he came and got you.

Maybe it was a little cavalier of him to have you detox at home, but you weren't alone.

Time to do some inventory....

littlefish

I think your release from the resentment will come with trying to understand your father. Relate to him. I know that sounds like the last thing you want to do, but there are factors to consider.
He may be the type of recovered alcoholic who never did the last steps in AA, and never learned how to reach out to help other alcoholics: it is a skill that you learn from a sponsor. It sounds like he had no experience there. It could be his age too, he might be an old fashioned type of guy who is not at all in touch with his feelings about you or about him being a father.
There are so many scenarios and ways that you can find to forgive him.
Talking could also help.
Have you talked to him about this experience?
My active alcoholic father never recovered. He was never there, never showed up for life, never showed up for us. It is a some comfort to know your father did show up in the best way he knew how?
Heck, if I had asked my father to help with detox, he couldn't have afforded the plane fare and would have asked me to take him to a bar, instead.

bellakeller

If your dad had stepped in, maybe he would have robbed you of an experience that was so terrible, it will forever keep you from the next drink. Maybe if he had stepped in he would have robbed you of the trust of getting through something all on your own.

The greatest lessons I've learned in recovery is when people told me "no" when I asked for help.

Much love.

Arc

Different people recover in different ways is how I see it. You said your father never spoke about how he went about it his way, maybe that was how he did it and how he saw you should do it. I was told that I should go to a facility and be monitored when I wanted to quit cold turkey, and not do it alone.

Being stubborn and wanting to do it on my own, basically I told myself, I did this to myself, I'm getting out of this myself. The next days and nights were a complete terror of sweats, shakes, spinning, heart racing, jumping out of my skin, delirious crap going on all around me, that was from quitting cold turkey after about 7 years straight of never missing a beat.

Everyone works in different ways, the road to recovery is rocky, stay strong.

Zebra1275

You asked your father for help and he gave you help. It sounds like your definition of help is different from his, and that his did not live up to your expectations.

To avoid this problem in the future don't call your dad when you are trying to detox.

EmeraldRose

Sometimes when we ask for help it is not exactly what we expect. We have to make of it what is given to us. It happened for a reason the way it happened. You will see in time.
The past two months of my life have been up and down and although I wouldn't have planned it the way it worked -someone did. It all worked out, everything is good.

One thing I've learned during recovery is that now I have a choice. You made the choice to call your Dad, you made a choice to stay and go the the east, you could have chose to call 911 or seek 'other' help. Another aspect of recovery is taking responsibilty for our actions.
I think you're lucky to have your Dad come to you. He may have his own guilt from all his drinking and this was the only way he knew to make it up to you. I think, instead of harboring feelings over this, you should talk with your Dad. That is part of recovery. Share with him how you feel and you may realize that he 'thought' he was doing what was best. Maybe he didn't realize how upset you were since you were already feeling bad.
When we are 'newly sober' we are raw and have alot of emotional baggage as it is. This may just have tacked on more for you. You are feeling raw and vulnerable.
I'm glad you're here...welcome.

Nirvana1

Thank you for the replies.

I'm haven't blamed anyone else ever for my problems.

This particular situation has just stuck with me because it was back and forth with:

"Dad, I really need to go the hospital"

"No you don't, just sweat out the alcohol"

"Dad, this time I feel a lot worse, I really need to go to the hospital or something"

"You'll be fine"

I have also talked with him before and during recovery about alcohol related problems, and he has never wanted to talk about it.

It's not like I am holding him responsible for anything, it is just that I am working out Step 4 and this is one that stuck out. I'm sure I'll understand more later in recovery.

Thank you again.

Mida

Kudos to you for seeking guidance on a touchy topic rather than just letting it fester. I agree with others that your dad did help you, but just in a form different than what you imagined/expected. Being newly sober brings on a barrage of emotions and questions upon questions. Talk to your dad about this...or better yet, wait to approach him until you can have some emotional distance and the invaluable perspective sober time under your belt can bring.

Best of luck

Kjell

Hi Nirvana-

People make mistakes, even when they have good intentions.

As a fellow alcoholic, I bet you can relate to that?

In AA, we learn to share our experience, strength, and hope. Is it possible your Dad was doing just that?

I experienced a lot of loss during my last few years of drinking, just like you did.

Alcoholism also runs in my family and I was resenteful as to why nobody tried to help me sooner, but after working the steps and regaining my sanity, I saw things for what they were.

You keep going forward and you will to.

Don't believe everything you think, my friend, especially this early on in your recovery.

I also want to add that my biological father, an alcoholic, drove his car into lightpost and died when I was 2. I had a wonderful step father throughout most of my life, but he died a slow, painful death from a long battle with prostate cancer when I was 2 months sober.

Be grateful.

Kjell~

Mark75

Many years ago, when I was a troubled young teen, I was huffing an aerosol... That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up, bleeding, with my tooth stuck through my bottom lip, in the bathtub, with the water running over my head... How did I get there? My father was the only other person in the house... Had he heard me fall on the floor? Was it his hand, or God's, that threw me in that tub, so I wouldn't be dead at 15 years old... We never did talk about it, I was afraid to ask, he was troubled himself, actively alcoholic, family in disarray...

After his divorce, he got sober and was 25 years in AA when he passed away, too young at 63....

A father's love is different than a mother's.... And sometimes it's awkward, sometimes it comes with a little too much force. But some if us are alive today because of it.

Arc

So well put, and that so reminds me of my father who passed at the age of 62 in 2010. My father gave me that tough, no bullsh*t kind of love that I didn't realize at first, and even though he is no longer here physically, I know he is in my heart and I thank him everyday for that tough love.

He didn't beat around the bush, he was a no nonsense man that took life by the horns, always told me clean up and cut the crap, you're better then that. My mother always says from time to time that I'm just "like my father was", in a good way of course. I guess that was why I was so stubborn when dealing with my alcoholism, and wanted to accomplish it on my own.

I'm not spiritual, nor religious, but I feel he is with me every step of way, even though he is gone.

Anna

I think when you reach out and ask someone for help, you are opening yourself up to their advice. But, if the advice that comes to you seems wrong for you, then step back and say thanks for the advice, dad, but I am going to go to a hospital.

nogard

Good advice here.

definition of a resentment:
Drinking poison and waiting for the other person to collapse.

Its a good idea to let them go!

reggiewayne

My guess is your relationship with your dad isn't where you'd like it to be and that is where your resentment really lies. I too had some resentments of my parents when they were living. In recovery I've learned to see them as people that were doing their very best with what they had.

Resentments only hurt those who harbor them. I would suggest looking at this from another angle. Look at what he did rather than what he didn't do. The truth is he didn't have to do anything. Also, if you were anything like me, you're behavior during your "using years" probably wasn't the best thing to be around. It's important we look at "our side of the street" when dealing with resentments. What part did we play?

Resentments are tough, but we have to work through them if we are to remain happy and sober.