fm627

Hi All,

I have been lurking on this board for about a week now, reading all of your posts. I have been married to an addict for almost four years. When we first got married he got high on cocaine sporadically, about every three months or so, this by no means was ok with me. I had no experience with drugs and I foolishly believed him when he said that he could stop whenever he wanted.
We have been arguing and fighting over this as long as we have been married, at one point I even went to NA with him but he would never share and all he did was judge everyone else who was sincerely trying to work the steps. In the last 6 months or so, things escalated to the point where he was getting high every weekend, that I know about it could be more. Up until he starting using more frequently, he would get high at home when I was sleeping and then stay up all night watching porn. He never wanted me to see him get high and when I found out that he was high he would hand over the drugs for me to flush. We have been struggling financially since we got married, mostly because of his inability to find a decent paying job, and because I know he was working and trying his best, I just cut him some slack and carried his weight too. So I used to not understand how he can waste his money on getting coke when we could barely pay our bills. I didn't know that by me carrying the weight, I was enabling him to keep doing the same pattern without any consequences.
About 3 weeks ago, I reached my "rock bottom", he decided to sit down on the couch next to me and get high. Something in me snapped and I did something that I never thought I would do. I punched him in his face and I started yelling at him, I was hysterical. I started shaking him and screaming at him and I demanded that he hand over his keys and I forced him out of our apartment. After I kicked him out, he went to the ER near our house and checked himself into the hospital, but not for drug addiction. In the past year alone, he has gone to the ER about 4 times, because he gets paranoid that the coke is making his heart explode. He also does this to get sympathy and make all of us "forget" that his drug use put him in the hospital...again. The only reason he has health insurance is because of me, and he never bothers to pay the deductible or co-payment when he decides to go to the hospital.
This time though, I refused to go to the hospital. I was done. His family was pressuring me to go and I stuck to my guns and I didn't visit him. He stayed in the hospital for 3 days and they released him. They offered him info to go to rehab, which he still hasn't done. I found a local Nar Anon meeting and I started going to meetings twice a week. He is living with his mom right now and he has come over once to get some things. I really don't think he is ready to get help even though he claims that he is done with drugs and he wants to come back home. He has still not even called any of the rehab places the hospital referred him to. I barely speak to him now, about 5 mins here or there because when he calls me, I can't help but ask him what he is doing to get help and the answer never changes, nothing, and then I get mad or he gets mad and one of us hang up.
Basically, my question is, how do I know whether or not I should wait for him to get help but just be separated and live my life on my own or run for the hills while I have the chance? He is by no means acting like someone who is ready to get help. I know it has only been three weeks, but I am starting to feel ok by myself. I don't even miss him honestly. I don't miss all the fighting and wondering if he is out getting drunk or high or if I am going to wake up and he is going to be dead in the other room.
I know that Nar Anon says not to make any decisions for 3-6 months, but is it possible that I can just decide to walk away now since he is no longer living with me? How will I know when I am just completely done and ready to move on with my life? How do I take it day by day without thinking about my future alone?

Impurrfect

(((fm627))) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

You are years ahead of me, when I came here, and I think you're doing really good. I stayed in dysfunctional relationships for a few decades.

I can't tell you whether it's okay to leave for good, but I can tell you this. Even if he were to go into rehab, that's just a first step toward recovery, and it seems one he's not willing to take.

I'm also an RA (recovering addict) and I know that it's a day by day thing. Yes, I've gotten a little over 4 years, but recovery is something I work every day.

I think we know when we're "done" (be it addiction or a relationship) and though it's hard, we do get through it day by day...sometimes hour by hour, and it gets better.

Is this a decision you need to make right now? Can you just keep detaching and see what happens, or are you done?

Either way, there are a lot of people here who have been through similar situations and are full of good ES&H.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

ThatLittleGirl

I think for each person the answer is different because circumstances are different. For me, there wasn't a singular moment I can point to...but rather, a bucket full of moments that became too heavy for me to lift anymore. I had two daughters I had to think about. What I do remember is finding SR and reading the sticky at the top of this forum 'What Addicts Do'...and knowing that I could no longer deny the reality of my situation...my ex was an addict...and I was a co-dependent that was never going to stop being a co-dependent without help. So began my journey to recovery...which I am still working.

I second Impurrfect's suggestion of taking it slowly. If there's no rush to make a decision, keep doing what you're doing. Keep going to meetings, keep showing up here and asking questions, keep a good network of support with your friends and family! Even at the point I knew things had to change, it took me a few more months to let go. The best advice I can give you is not to worry about the future, it will take care of itself. When the time is right, you'll know what decision to make...and it won't be based on a guideline or in any specific time frame...but your heart telling you this is the right path for you to take!

I wish you the best!

outtolunch

[QUOTE=Impurrfect;2958847


You are years ahead of me, when I came here.....[/QUOTE]

I was thinking the same thing when I read the OP.

Yeah, I am thinking practice the fine art of detaching and refining your own boundaries and wait until you are certain.

I really admire your ability to see throuhgh all the BS.

fm627

Thank you guys for your support. I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement. It is just hard for me to accept how detached I really am from him, I don't even feel like I am in love with him anymore and this makes me feel guilty. I don't feel guilty for abandoning him, which is what he wants me to feel. Part of me is like, "can't we just move on already?", but I don't know if that is just a defense mechanism because this is too painful to deal with. I will take your suggestions and just be patient with myself until I know the right answer for me.

kirsteym

What do you want, hon? If you don't know, then maybe letting a little time go by while separated from him is a good thing. Otherwise, do what's good for you.

I'm proud of how far along you are already. Go, girl!