Am I really that horrible?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Am I really that horrible?
Hello everybody,
i have been away from SR for a few days and am now back for some emotional healing. thank you all in advance.
in 2 days i'm getting the keys to my own apartment, for me and the kids. i'm very excited about it. nobody knows just yet, just my sister and my little girl.
but...that's not the reason for this thread. the reason, of course, is my AH. i am a little tired of waking up every morning or just simply checking my phone to find numerous messages about how i have abandoned him, about how much he misses the kids (its been almost 2 months now since he has seen them), how i don't love him, he would have never abandoned me, etc., etc.
well, my question is, Am I really that horrible?
i mean he canceled the meeting w/ my attorney 2 weeks ago. there i was hoping to address the issue of him seeing the kids, among other stuff. since then, all he has been doing is trying to get me to allow him to see the kids, but basically without anyone else involved. just us and the kids. my answer is, basically, very cute, but NO. i didn't tell him that though, b/c i normally don't respond to his calls or texts. yesterday, after being berated for about 2 days about the kids, i sent him a text to please contact my lawyer so we can make arrangements for him to see the kids.
and this is his response:
early pm - very thankful, all lovey dovey, will call my lawyer tomorrow.
late pm - do we really have to involve anyone else like my lawyer, will he
have to be supervised and for how long
today - again, i'm the b*tch who doesn't let him see the kids, the angels in
heaven are on his side and will rejoice when he gets to see his kids
well, evidently, he hasn't contacted my lawyer or done anything to make any progress to be able to see the kids. he puts all the responsibility and blame on me, not even acknowledging the fact that the reason the kids are not at home is his drug use.
ever since we left, not even once did he even mention his drug use or any of his behaviors as the problem. it's always me, i abandoned him and the marriage, i keep the kids from him, and so on.
so please, am i that horrible. any input, positive or negative, is welcome.
thank you guys for supporting me so much so far.
hugs and prayers.
P.S. i have read some more of "codependent no more" and it is getting
better. i'm starting to enjoy reading it now.
i have been away from SR for a few days and am now back for some emotional healing. thank you all in advance.
in 2 days i'm getting the keys to my own apartment, for me and the kids. i'm very excited about it. nobody knows just yet, just my sister and my little girl.
but...that's not the reason for this thread. the reason, of course, is my AH. i am a little tired of waking up every morning or just simply checking my phone to find numerous messages about how i have abandoned him, about how much he misses the kids (its been almost 2 months now since he has seen them), how i don't love him, he would have never abandoned me, etc., etc.
well, my question is, Am I really that horrible?
i mean he canceled the meeting w/ my attorney 2 weeks ago. there i was hoping to address the issue of him seeing the kids, among other stuff. since then, all he has been doing is trying to get me to allow him to see the kids, but basically without anyone else involved. just us and the kids. my answer is, basically, very cute, but NO. i didn't tell him that though, b/c i normally don't respond to his calls or texts. yesterday, after being berated for about 2 days about the kids, i sent him a text to please contact my lawyer so we can make arrangements for him to see the kids.
and this is his response:
early pm - very thankful, all lovey dovey, will call my lawyer tomorrow.
late pm - do we really have to involve anyone else like my lawyer, will he
have to be supervised and for how long
today - again, i'm the b*tch who doesn't let him see the kids, the angels in
heaven are on his side and will rejoice when he gets to see his kids
well, evidently, he hasn't contacted my lawyer or done anything to make any progress to be able to see the kids. he puts all the responsibility and blame on me, not even acknowledging the fact that the reason the kids are not at home is his drug use.
ever since we left, not even once did he even mention his drug use or any of his behaviors as the problem. it's always me, i abandoned him and the marriage, i keep the kids from him, and so on.
so please, am i that horrible. any input, positive or negative, is welcome.
thank you guys for supporting me so much so far.
hugs and prayers.
P.S. i have read some more of "codependent no more" and it is getting
better. i'm starting to enjoy reading it now.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.
No you are not horrible. In fact quite the opposite, you are 'protecting' you and your children from his drug abuse and addiction. You are doing things correctly. Making it legal. He is fearful of contacting the attorneys, his or yours, because he knows somewhere inside of him, that it is his consequences for the things he has done, so he STAYS IN DENIAL and continues to QUACK and try and manipulate you the way he used to.
The problem for him is ................... your 'buttons' are OUT OF ORDER and he can't push them and it 'pizzes' him off. So he is saying and will do anything he can to get a 'rise' out of you.
Good for you. Stick to your guns.
I am glad you get the keys shortly. Moving in and settling into your new place will be both exhausting and exhilarating for you and the kids, but the peace and serenity that y'all will start to feel will be well worth it!!!!!
Others will be along to also share that YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, far from it. Remember he is just QUACKING.
Keep posting and continue to let us know how you are doing as you know we care so very much.
Love and hugs,
No you are not horrible. In fact quite the opposite, you are 'protecting' you and your children from his drug abuse and addiction. You are doing things correctly. Making it legal. He is fearful of contacting the attorneys, his or yours, because he knows somewhere inside of him, that it is his consequences for the things he has done, so he STAYS IN DENIAL and continues to QUACK and try and manipulate you the way he used to.
The problem for him is ................... your 'buttons' are OUT OF ORDER and he can't push them and it 'pizzes' him off. So he is saying and will do anything he can to get a 'rise' out of you.
Good for you. Stick to your guns.
I am glad you get the keys shortly. Moving in and settling into your new place will be both exhausting and exhilarating for you and the kids, but the peace and serenity that y'all will start to feel will be well worth it!!!!!
Others will be along to also share that YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, far from it. Remember he is just QUACKING.
Keep posting and continue to let us know how you are doing as you know we care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Yes I too agree with Laurie completely AND he's being horrible treating you like that - addicts are such manipulative jerks (and spoilt brats) at times. You should be proud and your kids will be proud of you when they really understand one day what you went through to protect your family 
Hugs
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Laurie said it so well, you are no part of the problem, you are now living in the solution. Well done for taking good care of you and the kids.
The sad thing is, he has no interest in seeing the kids right now (if he did he would follow through on your instructions). He is trying to manipulate you to do things his way and to see you out of hearing range of anyone who has your best interests in mind. He wants control back and as Laurie said so well, the old buttons no longer work. You wear recovery buttons now, and they are very becoming on you.
Hang in there, you are very very good and doing all the right things.
Hugs
The sad thing is, he has no interest in seeing the kids right now (if he did he would follow through on your instructions). He is trying to manipulate you to do things his way and to see you out of hearing range of anyone who has your best interests in mind. He wants control back and as Laurie said so well, the old buttons no longer work. You wear recovery buttons now, and they are very becoming on you.
Hang in there, you are very very good and doing all the right things.
Hugs
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Im happy for you that you are taking the steps you need to in order to remove yourself and the kids from the situation. You are not horrible, you are strong and amazing. The book you are reading has helped me so much and I am glad you are enjoying the read. Good luck with your move!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Yes.....Laurie said it well. My son does this too regarding his son. The last time I saw him he was doing the quacking about how awful this state is and how it is "anti-fathers" and how his exgf is taking his son away from him. I quietly said "Drugs are taking your son from you." He vehemently denied it.
I understand how he feels......it's a horrible feeling when you lose your children because of drug addiction. I feel as though I have lost my son due to drug addiction too. Denial is the mind's defense from facing the truth because it is so condemning.
You are not the problem. Drugs are the problem. And you're doing what you need to do to deal with the problem for yourself and for your children. Is he?
gentle hugs
ke
I understand how he feels......it's a horrible feeling when you lose your children because of drug addiction. I feel as though I have lost my son due to drug addiction too. Denial is the mind's defense from facing the truth because it is so condemning.
You are not the problem. Drugs are the problem. And you're doing what you need to do to deal with the problem for yourself and for your children. Is he?
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
thank you guys soooo much.
i really needed that first thing in the morning (just getting up lol). so much better than all the texts i get from him. it brought tears to my eyes just to read your responses (in a good way, big cry baby).
i try to be strong most of the time, but sometimes it is so exhausting just to go through the day and be constantly beaten down on the head. my AH being the primary "attacker". then come my parents w/ their constant criticism about everything i do. nothing much has changed in the 13 years i have moved out from their home. i think i forgot how many things i can do wrong in one day, starting from the way i raise my kids, to the food they eat, food i eat, and so on. that's why they still don't know about my new apartment. i am so looking forward to getting my keys tomorrow, i even dreamed about it, lol.
i really appreciate your support and encouragement.
Laurie, i like the analogy about the buttons. that is so true. i guess i'm permanently "broken", for him anyways.
i enjoy working on myself and being able to spend the day doing the things that i like, instead of having to focus on problems of others that i can't do anything about. it has been very liberating so far. stressful, but liberating.
once again i want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my posts and offer such gentle responses. i know how much you guys care and that is why i love you all so much.
hugs and prayers.
i really needed that first thing in the morning (just getting up lol). so much better than all the texts i get from him. it brought tears to my eyes just to read your responses (in a good way, big cry baby).
i try to be strong most of the time, but sometimes it is so exhausting just to go through the day and be constantly beaten down on the head. my AH being the primary "attacker". then come my parents w/ their constant criticism about everything i do. nothing much has changed in the 13 years i have moved out from their home. i think i forgot how many things i can do wrong in one day, starting from the way i raise my kids, to the food they eat, food i eat, and so on. that's why they still don't know about my new apartment. i am so looking forward to getting my keys tomorrow, i even dreamed about it, lol.
i really appreciate your support and encouragement.
Laurie, i like the analogy about the buttons. that is so true. i guess i'm permanently "broken", for him anyways.
i enjoy working on myself and being able to spend the day doing the things that i like, instead of having to focus on problems of others that i can't do anything about. it has been very liberating so far. stressful, but liberating.
once again i want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my posts and offer such gentle responses. i know how much you guys care and that is why i love you all so much.
hugs and prayers.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Enjoy the new apartment! Try to have fun with all the little decisions about where things will go, how to decorate!
You are doing the right thing by protecting the sanity and serenity of yourself and your precious kids.
You are doing the right thing by protecting the sanity and serenity of yourself and your precious kids.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((PS))) - ditto to what's been said above. In time, you will get to the point where you realize the opinions of others (AH, your parents or whoever) are not facts. They are opinions, and they are skewed whatever that person believes, has been through, etc.
You are doing the best thing possible for you and your kids, and I'm really proud of you
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You are doing the best thing possible for you and your kids, and I'm really proud of you
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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