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I'm at the end of my rope this morning, and need your help to hoist me up a little further up on it.
I found myself thinking this morning that maybe it was a mistake to leave; maybe I should have stayed and let him kill us all. Maybe that would have been easier. Because trying to get through recovery with three kids is HELL, even with all the support I have. HP has a little too much faith in how much I can take when he lets two of my kids hit crisis mode at the same time.
I can barely function today. I see my counselor at noon and I know I can make it that long.
But any encouragement is welcome right now.
I found myself thinking this morning that maybe it was a mistake to leave; maybe I should have stayed and let him kill us all. Maybe that would have been easier. Because trying to get through recovery with three kids is HELL, even with all the support I have. HP has a little too much faith in how much I can take when he lets two of my kids hit crisis mode at the same time.
I can barely function today. I see my counselor at noon and I know I can make it that long.
But any encouragement is welcome right now.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
**{HUGS}}
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. sometimes we just gotta roll through the pain.
I have to ask tho, why do you think your life might possibly be better had you stayed?
I think often when we're away from the situation, we tend to remember the positives.
However, I seriously doubt that living with an alcoholic, you honestly had any support or help for raising your children. From what I know from these forums, living with an alcoholic is like having ANOTHER child.
I thikn deep down inside, you know this, and you know why you left. Stress often makes us doubt ourselves. You're doing great!! Just be patient with yourself and your circumstance.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. sometimes we just gotta roll through the pain.
I have to ask tho, why do you think your life might possibly be better had you stayed?
I think often when we're away from the situation, we tend to remember the positives.
However, I seriously doubt that living with an alcoholic, you honestly had any support or help for raising your children. From what I know from these forums, living with an alcoholic is like having ANOTHER child.
I thikn deep down inside, you know this, and you know why you left. Stress often makes us doubt ourselves. You're doing great!! Just be patient with yourself and your circumstance.
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I'm at the end of my rope this morning, and need your help to hoist me up a little further up on it.
I found myself thinking this morning that maybe it was a mistake to leave; maybe I should have stayed and let him kill us all. Maybe that would have been easier. Because trying to get through recovery with three kids is HELL, even with all the support I have. HP has a little too much faith in how much I can take when he lets two of my kids hit crisis mode at the same time.
I can barely function today. I see my counselor at noon and I know I can make it that long.
But any encouragement is welcome right now.
I found myself thinking this morning that maybe it was a mistake to leave; maybe I should have stayed and let him kill us all. Maybe that would have been easier. Because trying to get through recovery with three kids is HELL, even with all the support I have. HP has a little too much faith in how much I can take when he lets two of my kids hit crisis mode at the same time.
I can barely function today. I see my counselor at noon and I know I can make it that long.
But any encouragement is welcome right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Here's some encouragement - I am surviving. You can too!
I've been a single parent of two girls for 11 years. There are good days and bad. Right now I am feeling completely overwhelmed with a move, and getting resettled after 4 years of alcoholic chaos with husband #2.
Seems like things break down at once...we have days of smooth sailing and then WHAM everything falls apart. Kids have crises, dogs get sick, car breaks down, work is busy, have to travel and find someone to watch said kids while gone, blah blah blah. My Mom says these are the hardest years - and she says it with the knowing smile of a happily retired Grandmother.
And then I get up the next day and my universe rights itself again and all is well.
Anti-anxiety meds help too. But hey, that's just me...
Sending you strength and prayers today ~ hoping its as sunny in your neck of the woods as it is in mine! That always helps me feel better - a little dose of sunshine!
I've been a single parent of two girls for 11 years. There are good days and bad. Right now I am feeling completely overwhelmed with a move, and getting resettled after 4 years of alcoholic chaos with husband #2.
Seems like things break down at once...we have days of smooth sailing and then WHAM everything falls apart. Kids have crises, dogs get sick, car breaks down, work is busy, have to travel and find someone to watch said kids while gone, blah blah blah. My Mom says these are the hardest years - and she says it with the knowing smile of a happily retired Grandmother.
And then I get up the next day and my universe rights itself again and all is well.
Anti-anxiety meds help too. But hey, that's just me...
Sending you strength and prayers today ~ hoping its as sunny in your neck of the woods as it is in mine! That always helps me feel better - a little dose of sunshine!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
lillamy,
I am glad you are meeting your therapist.
Your location is listed as right here, right now.
I would assume right here and right now all you have to do is get through right now. Do the next step.
Breathe and remember this too shall pass.
You have the chance for gifts unseen arising in your life with your AH gone.
We love you. Keep checking in!
p
I am glad you are meeting your therapist.
Your location is listed as right here, right now.
I would assume right here and right now all you have to do is get through right now. Do the next step.
Breathe and remember this too shall pass.
You have the chance for gifts unseen arising in your life with your AH gone.
We love you. Keep checking in!
p
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
There have been many times, many many times, when I have had to reduce it down to one hour, even minute at a time, like Anvil says.
Just take your day in segments, now.
No, it would not have been better to stay and let him hurt you more, hurt the kids more.
You have taken a step toward self care, it is not easy to be going it alone as a parent, but you are not alone!!!
We are here, and we hear you, and we are on your side!!
Just take your day in segments, now.
No, it would not have been better to stay and let him hurt you more, hurt the kids more.
You have taken a step toward self care, it is not easy to be going it alone as a parent, but you are not alone!!!
We are here, and we hear you, and we are on your side!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
8 yrs married, 30ish yrs old, 2 small kids 4 and 6
and newly sober right out of rehab making sure I
completed a 6 week aftercare program that met
maybe 3 times a week. WHEW..! I had emotions
flying all over the place and yet I knew what I needed
and had to do to stay close to my family and not
be sent out of town to a halfway house.
Because I was sted fast in not asking for help or having
anyone else raise my kids but me, I probably was a
emotional wreck many times. I wished during that time
I would have seek help for my anxiety but never thought
about it till after my kids were in college and my 25 yr.
marriage was close to an end.
Anyway, I did do the best I could by being a good mom,
supportive, caring and loving to my kids and they turned
out to be awesome kids with help and guidance from Above.
During early recovery I took my kids one or the other
with me to meetings as I hung on tight and following
suggestions made my my sponsor and others sober
yrs before me.
I had lots of intellectural support from my husband who
help the kids with hard homework, projects, school activities,
band, scouts, boyfriends, girlfriends, college, marriage
and so on. thank God he was blessed with patiance, love,
care, and support for them as I watched our marriage wither
away.
Fast forward 20 yrs later and here I am still sober with my
original sobriety day, 8-11-90, remarried and living my
recovery program as was taught to me from the very beginning
and sharing my own ESH with others that still suffer with
addiction. In my honest actions to the best of my ability as
I continue to work and live the steps and principles set down
before us, life is better today and continues to be so.
Wishes for a continued recovery journey sent your way.
and newly sober right out of rehab making sure I
completed a 6 week aftercare program that met
maybe 3 times a week. WHEW..! I had emotions
flying all over the place and yet I knew what I needed
and had to do to stay close to my family and not
be sent out of town to a halfway house.
Because I was sted fast in not asking for help or having
anyone else raise my kids but me, I probably was a
emotional wreck many times. I wished during that time
I would have seek help for my anxiety but never thought
about it till after my kids were in college and my 25 yr.
marriage was close to an end.
Anyway, I did do the best I could by being a good mom,
supportive, caring and loving to my kids and they turned
out to be awesome kids with help and guidance from Above.
During early recovery I took my kids one or the other
with me to meetings as I hung on tight and following
suggestions made my my sponsor and others sober
yrs before me.
I had lots of intellectural support from my husband who
help the kids with hard homework, projects, school activities,
band, scouts, boyfriends, girlfriends, college, marriage
and so on. thank God he was blessed with patiance, love,
care, and support for them as I watched our marriage wither
away.
Fast forward 20 yrs later and here I am still sober with my
original sobriety day, 8-11-90, remarried and living my
recovery program as was taught to me from the very beginning
and sharing my own ESH with others that still suffer with
addiction. In my honest actions to the best of my ability as
I continue to work and live the steps and principles set down
before us, life is better today and continues to be so.
Wishes for a continued recovery journey sent your way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Being a single parent is relentless in the best of times. It is really hard when we need just a little breathing room for our own recovery. I understand. I wish I had some wise words but I just wanted to send some 'peace and harmony' vibes to your children and a little cyber strength to you. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Read this and thought of you, well ALL of us really...
"You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Our Higher Power
For the next twenty-four hours ...
In recovery, we live life one day at a time, an idea requiring an enormous amount of faith. We refuse to look back - unless healing from the past is part of today's work. We look ahead only to make plans. We focus on this day's activity, living it to the best of our ability. If we do that long enough, we'll have enough connected days of healing living to make something valuable of our life.
...I pray for knowledge of Your will for me only...
We surrender to God's will. We stop trying to control, and we settle for a life that is manageable. We trust our Higher Power's will for us - that it's good, generous, and with direction.
We're learning, through trial and error, to separate our will from God's will. We're learning that God's will is not offensive. We've learned that sometimes there's a difference between what others want us to do and God's will. We're also learning that God did not intend for us to be codependent, to be martyrs, to control or care take. We're learning to trust ourselves.
. . . and the power to carry that through.
Some of recovery is accepting powerlessness. An important part of recovery is claiming the power to take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, we need to do things that are frightening or painful. Sometimes, we need to step out, step back, or step forward. We need to call on the help of a Power greater than ourselves to do that.
We will never be called upon to do anything that we won't be empowered to do.
Today, I can call upon an energizing Power Source to help me. That Power is God. I will ask for what I need."
"You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Our Higher Power
For the next twenty-four hours ...
In recovery, we live life one day at a time, an idea requiring an enormous amount of faith. We refuse to look back - unless healing from the past is part of today's work. We look ahead only to make plans. We focus on this day's activity, living it to the best of our ability. If we do that long enough, we'll have enough connected days of healing living to make something valuable of our life.
...I pray for knowledge of Your will for me only...
We surrender to God's will. We stop trying to control, and we settle for a life that is manageable. We trust our Higher Power's will for us - that it's good, generous, and with direction.
We're learning, through trial and error, to separate our will from God's will. We're learning that God's will is not offensive. We've learned that sometimes there's a difference between what others want us to do and God's will. We're also learning that God did not intend for us to be codependent, to be martyrs, to control or care take. We're learning to trust ourselves.
. . . and the power to carry that through.
Some of recovery is accepting powerlessness. An important part of recovery is claiming the power to take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, we need to do things that are frightening or painful. Sometimes, we need to step out, step back, or step forward. We need to call on the help of a Power greater than ourselves to do that.
We will never be called upon to do anything that we won't be empowered to do.
Today, I can call upon an energizing Power Source to help me. That Power is God. I will ask for what I need."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Something in the air, I think. Getting up and out the door this morning was nearly impossible.
I completely understand and have had to deal with the same types of feelings. I know it's so hard to see, but they do pass. As some one here once said the feelings are like waves. I think they said, just let them wash around you. Sooner or later the tide will turn and they won't be as strong.
Hang in there, (((((Lillamy)))))!
I completely understand and have had to deal with the same types of feelings. I know it's so hard to see, but they do pass. As some one here once said the feelings are like waves. I think they said, just let them wash around you. Sooner or later the tide will turn and they won't be as strong.
Hang in there, (((((Lillamy)))))!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Thanks again -- just wanted to report back that I spent an hour with my counselor and came out with a much clearer picture of that stuff we talk about in the Serenity Prayer... you know, the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and can't control...
And now I feel slightly ridiculous and like a drama queen. It's not easy going from suppressing your emotions to trying to handle them in a grownup way, is it?
Thank you for being here.
And now I feel slightly ridiculous and like a drama queen. It's not easy going from suppressing your emotions to trying to handle them in a grownup way, is it?
Thank you for being here.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by lillamy
It's not easy going from suppressing your emotions to trying to handle them in a grownup way, is it?
I'll confess though, as difficult as it is sometimes - breaking down at random moments, other times hugging everyone in sight, until slowly working back towards the middle "normal" range - it is so worth it.
I have feelings! I feel things! And there's happy ones, too!
For a while I was beginning to think the only feelings I had were "used" and "depressed."
I am so glad you're feeling better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by lillamy
And now I feel slightly ridiculous and like a drama queen. It's not easy going from suppressing your emotions to trying to handle them in a grownup way, is it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'll confess though, as difficult as it is sometimes - breaking down at random moments, other times hugging everyone in sight, until slowly working back towards the middle "normal" range - it is so worth it.
I have feelings! I feel things! And there's happy ones, too!
For a while I was beginning to think the only feelings I had were "used" and "depressed."
I have feelings! I feel things! And there's happy ones, too!
For a while I was beginning to think the only feelings I had were "used" and "depressed."
And you have no idea (or maybe you do?) how amazing it is to be surrounded by people who get it...
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by lillamy
And you have no idea (or maybe you do?) how amazing it is to be surrounded by people who get it...
I absolutely understand how amazing it is.
And I am enjoying it immensely. *Grins*
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