on the outside im dealing perfectly... but on the inside, am i sick?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
on the outside im dealing perfectly... but on the inside, am i sick?
Hello, I've been reading the threads for a week now, and decided to finally jump in and join
background: i've been doing no contact for 15 weeks now (a little over 4 months). me and xabf had a 2.5 year relationship, in which the last year consisted of break ups/make ups. the "final straw" for me (which probably came after too many second chances) was just after the new year, when we got in yet another circular argument over the phone over the demise of our relationship -- me touting that he never put enough effort into it because of his alcohol issues and he saying that he "doesn't deny he has an addiction to alcohol, but our problem isn't from that"... saying that he "just realized he wasn't attracted to me and that he tried to be for so long (2.5 years) but that he just couldn't get himself to be--and maybe that's why he drank so much"
this STUNG... because, even though i [objectively] know im attractive... this is my biggest sore spot for self-doubt.
it brought me to "craziness" and i ended up driving to his place 2 blocks away from me, grabbing MY guitar he was holding hostage (saying the only reason i wanted it back was because i was trying to "control" him) and all of the letters/small gifts i ever gave him. i stopped him in his tracks as he was trying to act like "everything was ok", and just told him to shut up--that i never wanted to hear about or from him again because i just lacked enough care about if he even lived/died or was happy/sad. this culminated in MY eventual laying it all out--letting "my craziness" out since i'd been taking all of the hateful words he'd been spewing at me the past couple of months (repeatedly calling me crazy, psycho, controlling, etc... all things i am obviously not).
anyway, it's been a "good" (relatively speaking) four months... grieving the loss of a relationship, the loss of a best friend, and picking myself up from all of the verbal/emotional abuse. i dont find myself crying every night, but i DO find myself still constantly thinking about him.
now, with the clouds clearing, i feel bad about how I acted that last night - because i stooped to his level. i ended up saying the crazy, manipulative **** and stretched truths to make him feel bad about himself (i figured, he already believed that **** about me--so why not just be that person... this was my final straw... i had put up with so much abuse for so long, to the point where he would threaten me "if i kept crying" during his drunken verbal attacks).
90% of me says to continue down my road... and some day i'll just magically stop going over and over this lost "fairy-tale" future we had envisioned... but there's this 10% ball that's starting to take shape and may be growing... a pull toward wanting to just apologize... for MY part... for MY abusive language that last night... for stretching truths/lying to bring HIM down.
i feel like thruout our time together, i kept wanting to be validated/appreciated... or AT LEAST to be seen as who i am (and not who his delusional brain wants me to be to continue on his alcoholic/depressive existence)... but with my leaving the way i did... i left with a false image of myself... and it nags at me.
also, in the back of my head im wondering--how come in most threads i read about the xAs in our lives "begging" to get back together and making false promises... i know in the long run it doesn't matter--coz i'd still make the decision to not give him a second chance... but i have to be honest, that it still hurts my ego that it's been four months and he's not even attempted a contact.
am i crazy or a sick person for still thinking these things??
background: i've been doing no contact for 15 weeks now (a little over 4 months). me and xabf had a 2.5 year relationship, in which the last year consisted of break ups/make ups. the "final straw" for me (which probably came after too many second chances) was just after the new year, when we got in yet another circular argument over the phone over the demise of our relationship -- me touting that he never put enough effort into it because of his alcohol issues and he saying that he "doesn't deny he has an addiction to alcohol, but our problem isn't from that"... saying that he "just realized he wasn't attracted to me and that he tried to be for so long (2.5 years) but that he just couldn't get himself to be--and maybe that's why he drank so much"
this STUNG... because, even though i [objectively] know im attractive... this is my biggest sore spot for self-doubt.
it brought me to "craziness" and i ended up driving to his place 2 blocks away from me, grabbing MY guitar he was holding hostage (saying the only reason i wanted it back was because i was trying to "control" him) and all of the letters/small gifts i ever gave him. i stopped him in his tracks as he was trying to act like "everything was ok", and just told him to shut up--that i never wanted to hear about or from him again because i just lacked enough care about if he even lived/died or was happy/sad. this culminated in MY eventual laying it all out--letting "my craziness" out since i'd been taking all of the hateful words he'd been spewing at me the past couple of months (repeatedly calling me crazy, psycho, controlling, etc... all things i am obviously not).
anyway, it's been a "good" (relatively speaking) four months... grieving the loss of a relationship, the loss of a best friend, and picking myself up from all of the verbal/emotional abuse. i dont find myself crying every night, but i DO find myself still constantly thinking about him.
now, with the clouds clearing, i feel bad about how I acted that last night - because i stooped to his level. i ended up saying the crazy, manipulative **** and stretched truths to make him feel bad about himself (i figured, he already believed that **** about me--so why not just be that person... this was my final straw... i had put up with so much abuse for so long, to the point where he would threaten me "if i kept crying" during his drunken verbal attacks).
90% of me says to continue down my road... and some day i'll just magically stop going over and over this lost "fairy-tale" future we had envisioned... but there's this 10% ball that's starting to take shape and may be growing... a pull toward wanting to just apologize... for MY part... for MY abusive language that last night... for stretching truths/lying to bring HIM down.
i feel like thruout our time together, i kept wanting to be validated/appreciated... or AT LEAST to be seen as who i am (and not who his delusional brain wants me to be to continue on his alcoholic/depressive existence)... but with my leaving the way i did... i left with a false image of myself... and it nags at me.
also, in the back of my head im wondering--how come in most threads i read about the xAs in our lives "begging" to get back together and making false promises... i know in the long run it doesn't matter--coz i'd still make the decision to not give him a second chance... but i have to be honest, that it still hurts my ego that it's been four months and he's not even attempted a contact.
am i crazy or a sick person for still thinking these things??
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Oh wow-I have a lot to say about your post cuz I can really relate.
#1 Him blaming you for his drinking - THIS IS B.S. Bs bs bs bs bs. I can't emphasize it enough.
As we say in al-anon. you didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTROL it. And you can't CURE it.
Hey, I was blamed for the fact that my ex put a gun in his mouth and threatened suicide during an argument. These people are able to DEFLECT and DENY ANYTHING. And will continue to do so when in active addiction.
#2 I have done crazy things in MY off/on 3.5 yrs with my ex. I mailed stuff he gave me back to him. I screamed at him. I said really hateful things (in fact I think I told him I despised him. )
#3 You are not crazy. Are you sick? Yes. You were wtih an alcoholic! You can't help but be sick. Is there hope? YES!
Al-anon has given many of us going through the same thing as you, much hope.
#4 I can relate to wanting to apologize.
Here's what I'll tell you about that. I am in no way shape or form able to re-contact him. I had a relapse a while ago when I found out that he was with his pothead loser ex who undermined our relationship before. I texted him and got very angry. Now, he doesn't want to hear from me, and I ultimately do NOT want to break no contact.
Right now I am working the steps. I assume when I get to the Step about "making an amends", I will have to decide how to handle this with my exabf.
I feel I do owe him an amends for the anger and self-righteousness, but I am wary of a) oopening up contact again and b) wondering how to phrase my amends, given the fact he is in denial still. For ex., do I apologize for enabling? Cuz I do feel bad about that.
#5 It's not totally crazy to wish he would come crawling back to you. It's vindication in a way. It's very hard for us to face that they have dumped us for booze. It can make us feel very low and worthless. You are not worthless, he is an addict!
I went off and on with my ex for 3.5 yrs and I wish it had been a lot less. I could've been with someone healthier, yknow? You know you don't want to go back with him, so wishing he'd contact you is just ego.
I thikn al-anon meetings would help you with acceptance.
#1 Him blaming you for his drinking - THIS IS B.S. Bs bs bs bs bs. I can't emphasize it enough.
As we say in al-anon. you didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTROL it. And you can't CURE it.
Hey, I was blamed for the fact that my ex put a gun in his mouth and threatened suicide during an argument. These people are able to DEFLECT and DENY ANYTHING. And will continue to do so when in active addiction.
#2 I have done crazy things in MY off/on 3.5 yrs with my ex. I mailed stuff he gave me back to him. I screamed at him. I said really hateful things (in fact I think I told him I despised him. )
#3 You are not crazy. Are you sick? Yes. You were wtih an alcoholic! You can't help but be sick. Is there hope? YES!
Al-anon has given many of us going through the same thing as you, much hope.
#4 I can relate to wanting to apologize.
Here's what I'll tell you about that. I am in no way shape or form able to re-contact him. I had a relapse a while ago when I found out that he was with his pothead loser ex who undermined our relationship before. I texted him and got very angry. Now, he doesn't want to hear from me, and I ultimately do NOT want to break no contact.
Right now I am working the steps. I assume when I get to the Step about "making an amends", I will have to decide how to handle this with my exabf.
I feel I do owe him an amends for the anger and self-righteousness, but I am wary of a) oopening up contact again and b) wondering how to phrase my amends, given the fact he is in denial still. For ex., do I apologize for enabling? Cuz I do feel bad about that.
#5 It's not totally crazy to wish he would come crawling back to you. It's vindication in a way. It's very hard for us to face that they have dumped us for booze. It can make us feel very low and worthless. You are not worthless, he is an addict!
I went off and on with my ex for 3.5 yrs and I wish it had been a lot less. I could've been with someone healthier, yknow? You know you don't want to go back with him, so wishing he'd contact you is just ego.
I thikn al-anon meetings would help you with acceptance.
Originally Posted by forgotten1 
Hello, I've been reading the threads for a week now, and decided to finally jump in and join
background: i've been doing no contact for 15 weeks now (a little over 4 months). me and xabf had a 2.5 year relationship, in which the last year consisted of break ups/make ups. the "final straw" for me (which probably came after too many second chances) was just after the new year, when we got in yet another circular argument over the phone over the demise of our relationship -- me touting that he never put enough effort into it because of his alcohol issues and he saying that he "doesn't deny he has an addiction to alcohol, but our problem isn't from that"... saying that he "just realized he wasn't attracted to me and that he tried to be for so long (2.5 years) but that he just couldn't get himself to be--and maybe that's why he drank so much"
this STUNG... because, even though i [objectively] know im attractive... this is my biggest sore spot for self-doubt.
it brought me to "craziness" and i ended up driving to his place 2 blocks away from me, grabbing MY guitar he was holding hostage (saying the only reason i wanted it back was because i was trying to "control" him) and all of the letters/small gifts i ever gave him. i stopped him in his tracks as he was trying to act like "everything was ok", and just told him to shut up--that i never wanted to hear about or from him again because i just lacked enough care about if he even lived/died or was happy/sad. this culminated in MY eventual laying it all out--letting "my craziness" out since i'd been taking all of the hateful words he'd been spewing at me the past couple of months (repeatedly calling me crazy, psycho, controlling, etc... all things i am obviously not).
anyway, it's been a "good" (relatively speaking) four months... grieving the loss of a relationship, the loss of a best friend, and picking myself up from all of the verbal/emotional abuse. i dont find myself crying every night, but i DO find myself still constantly thinking about him.
now, with the clouds clearing, i feel bad about how I acted that last night - because i stooped to his level. i ended up saying the crazy, manipulative **** and stretched truths to make him feel bad about himself (i figured, he already believed that **** about me--so why not just be that person... this was my final straw... i had put up with so much abuse for so long, to the point where he would threaten me "if i kept crying" during his drunken verbal attacks).
90% of me says to continue down my road... and some day i'll just magically stop going over and over this lost "fairy-tale" future we had envisioned... but there's this 10% ball that's starting to take shape and may be growing... a pull toward wanting to just apologize... for MY part... for MY abusive language that last night... for stretching truths/lying to bring HIM down.
i feel like thruout our time together, i kept wanting to be validated/appreciated... or AT LEAST to be seen as who i am (and not who his delusional brain wants me to be to continue on his alcoholic/depressive existence)... but with my leaving the way i did... i left with a false image of myself... and it nags at me.
also, in the back of my head im wondering--how come in most threads i read about the xAs in our lives "begging" to get back together and making false promises... i know in the long run it doesn't matter--coz i'd still make the decision to not give him a second chance... but i have to be honest, that it still hurts my ego that it's been four months and he's not even attempted a contact.
am i crazy or a sick person for still thinking these things??
background: i've been doing no contact for 15 weeks now (a little over 4 months). me and xabf had a 2.5 year relationship, in which the last year consisted of break ups/make ups. the "final straw" for me (which probably came after too many second chances) was just after the new year, when we got in yet another circular argument over the phone over the demise of our relationship -- me touting that he never put enough effort into it because of his alcohol issues and he saying that he "doesn't deny he has an addiction to alcohol, but our problem isn't from that"... saying that he "just realized he wasn't attracted to me and that he tried to be for so long (2.5 years) but that he just couldn't get himself to be--and maybe that's why he drank so much"
this STUNG... because, even though i [objectively] know im attractive... this is my biggest sore spot for self-doubt.
it brought me to "craziness" and i ended up driving to his place 2 blocks away from me, grabbing MY guitar he was holding hostage (saying the only reason i wanted it back was because i was trying to "control" him) and all of the letters/small gifts i ever gave him. i stopped him in his tracks as he was trying to act like "everything was ok", and just told him to shut up--that i never wanted to hear about or from him again because i just lacked enough care about if he even lived/died or was happy/sad. this culminated in MY eventual laying it all out--letting "my craziness" out since i'd been taking all of the hateful words he'd been spewing at me the past couple of months (repeatedly calling me crazy, psycho, controlling, etc... all things i am obviously not).
anyway, it's been a "good" (relatively speaking) four months... grieving the loss of a relationship, the loss of a best friend, and picking myself up from all of the verbal/emotional abuse. i dont find myself crying every night, but i DO find myself still constantly thinking about him.
now, with the clouds clearing, i feel bad about how I acted that last night - because i stooped to his level. i ended up saying the crazy, manipulative **** and stretched truths to make him feel bad about himself (i figured, he already believed that **** about me--so why not just be that person... this was my final straw... i had put up with so much abuse for so long, to the point where he would threaten me "if i kept crying" during his drunken verbal attacks).
90% of me says to continue down my road... and some day i'll just magically stop going over and over this lost "fairy-tale" future we had envisioned... but there's this 10% ball that's starting to take shape and may be growing... a pull toward wanting to just apologize... for MY part... for MY abusive language that last night... for stretching truths/lying to bring HIM down.
i feel like thruout our time together, i kept wanting to be validated/appreciated... or AT LEAST to be seen as who i am (and not who his delusional brain wants me to be to continue on his alcoholic/depressive existence)... but with my leaving the way i did... i left with a false image of myself... and it nags at me.
also, in the back of my head im wondering--how come in most threads i read about the xAs in our lives "begging" to get back together and making false promises... i know in the long run it doesn't matter--coz i'd still make the decision to not give him a second chance... but i have to be honest, that it still hurts my ego that it's been four months and he's not even attempted a contact.
am i crazy or a sick person for still thinking these things??
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi forgotten! welcome to SR.
You are not crazy.
I went through the same things 2+ years ago.
You can get closure, apologize, move on, all without his participation. It would be about you and for you. He is not needed in this process. In therapy I have learned to do that. And IT WORKS! I have my moments, especially when I have to interact with the guy (at work) but other than that I no longer care. It was not by magic, it was by lots of inner work and honesty with myself. And time away from his toxicity. And support from SR, AA, Alanon, group therapy, individual therapy, books, pets, sports, faith..
I don't need him for anything. Not to feel pretty, or worthy, or important. I have worked a lot in self worth issues, self image, and now have a slightly more realistic view about myself. Its funny how we work something that may seem unrelated and there is a shift that creates new perspectives and erases harmful behaviors. But it takes a professional or at least that is what it took for me, I was suffering too much and didn't see a way out that I could pave by myself.
I hope you can get a therapist with addiction/codependency experience.
"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty is a great book we like around here.
Also the Sticky section has great articles. Knowledge is power.
I suspect you are in the "negotiating" phase of the process. Be honest with yourself, brutally honest. I DID send an email and tried to talk with the ex about my hurt, and I was NOT nice either. I tried to apologize later and tried to talk and "make it right" or at least cordial. He did not give a damn, denied he had any issues, said I was his enemy, keeps on drinking. The only thing left for me was not to touch the hot stove anymore. Every single time I got burned, whatever the reasoning I had to approach it. There was just no point in doing it anymore.
I no longer care about what he might think about me now. Honest?I don't think he ever thinks about me at all. He is too busy thinking about his needs.
Better to think about what YOU can control. Its in you to feel better, and you most certainly will. One day at a time, keep reading/posting.
We get you, you are not alone.
PS My ex got someone else right away, but this was a blessing so I was not tempted to go back for more pain anymore. Its a blessing he is not contacting you. That is why he is an ex. Its hurts a lot I know, but its great you realize its only your ego that is hurt. You are not your ego. Your ego does not rule your life nor dictate your actions. You are worth everything that is great, just by being YOU, your value has nothing to do with what another person might think or say or do. Better yet, be the one who blocks him..... when I blocked my ex from my email I got a sense of power, as if saying "its not up to you anymore. I don't want to have any interaction with you anymore. This is my own decision".
You are not crazy.
I went through the same things 2+ years ago.
You can get closure, apologize, move on, all without his participation. It would be about you and for you. He is not needed in this process. In therapy I have learned to do that. And IT WORKS! I have my moments, especially when I have to interact with the guy (at work) but other than that I no longer care. It was not by magic, it was by lots of inner work and honesty with myself. And time away from his toxicity. And support from SR, AA, Alanon, group therapy, individual therapy, books, pets, sports, faith..
I don't need him for anything. Not to feel pretty, or worthy, or important. I have worked a lot in self worth issues, self image, and now have a slightly more realistic view about myself. Its funny how we work something that may seem unrelated and there is a shift that creates new perspectives and erases harmful behaviors. But it takes a professional or at least that is what it took for me, I was suffering too much and didn't see a way out that I could pave by myself.
I hope you can get a therapist with addiction/codependency experience.
"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty is a great book we like around here.
Also the Sticky section has great articles. Knowledge is power.
I suspect you are in the "negotiating" phase of the process. Be honest with yourself, brutally honest. I DID send an email and tried to talk with the ex about my hurt, and I was NOT nice either. I tried to apologize later and tried to talk and "make it right" or at least cordial. He did not give a damn, denied he had any issues, said I was his enemy, keeps on drinking. The only thing left for me was not to touch the hot stove anymore. Every single time I got burned, whatever the reasoning I had to approach it. There was just no point in doing it anymore.
I no longer care about what he might think about me now. Honest?I don't think he ever thinks about me at all. He is too busy thinking about his needs.
Better to think about what YOU can control. Its in you to feel better, and you most certainly will. One day at a time, keep reading/posting.
We get you, you are not alone.
PS My ex got someone else right away, but this was a blessing so I was not tempted to go back for more pain anymore. Its a blessing he is not contacting you. That is why he is an ex. Its hurts a lot I know, but its great you realize its only your ego that is hurt. You are not your ego. Your ego does not rule your life nor dictate your actions. You are worth everything that is great, just by being YOU, your value has nothing to do with what another person might think or say or do. Better yet, be the one who blocks him..... when I blocked my ex from my email I got a sense of power, as if saying "its not up to you anymore. I don't want to have any interaction with you anymore. This is my own decision".
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Welcome!!
What you described is... a perfect description of my life whenni was dating my husband. Our relationship was hot/cold... He drank too much, and I went crazy trying to figure out why and trying to control it (sometimes with him, sometimes for him). I was called crazy, pyscho, mean, all sorts of names... Just to get me keyed up and... Make me go crazy. I actually did start to go crazy. I did lose my mind. I started to become all those things he said I was... And I stayed with him. We broke up time and time again... And every time... I went right back. "because I love him..". "because we have so much fun together.."
Our relationship was... And is.... Toxic. It didn't get better because we got married. It seemingly got better when we had kids... But I see now it really wasn't better... I was just too damn busy to notice our crap... And the fact that we were growing further and further apart.
I started al-anon 6 yrs ago to help ME. To help me recovery from the "crazys" I had developed. I did all sorts of things I am not proud of... And thats my part in this toxic mess. So I focus on me and work to be a better person for me. Have you given any thought to trying al-anon?
And as for him not contacting you... Consider this... He's doing you a favor. I'm in the process of divorcing my AH. I served him the papers and he is not fighting it one bit. Just sitting back and saying, "ok. Fine. You win Shannon. It's always got to be your way.". And that's it. At first, at still a little now, I was hurt... Why isn't my husband doing everything he can to fight for US? To fight for our family?? Aren't I good enough??
I am good enough. Im pretty enough... Smart enough. But, the person I am, will not tolerate the drinking.. . And I've made that clear. The person he is... Won't give up the drinking. So, we don't belong together. And we both see the stalemate we are in. Neither side will surrender... So... It's time to move on.
It's not about you. There is NOTHING you could have done to somehow magically make it better. Trust me, because I am you... 7 yrs from now. Don't go back to him... Go to al-anon and heal yourself so that when the right man comes along... Your head is back on straight.
Hugs to you,
Shannon
What you described is... a perfect description of my life whenni was dating my husband. Our relationship was hot/cold... He drank too much, and I went crazy trying to figure out why and trying to control it (sometimes with him, sometimes for him). I was called crazy, pyscho, mean, all sorts of names... Just to get me keyed up and... Make me go crazy. I actually did start to go crazy. I did lose my mind. I started to become all those things he said I was... And I stayed with him. We broke up time and time again... And every time... I went right back. "because I love him..". "because we have so much fun together.."
Our relationship was... And is.... Toxic. It didn't get better because we got married. It seemingly got better when we had kids... But I see now it really wasn't better... I was just too damn busy to notice our crap... And the fact that we were growing further and further apart.
I started al-anon 6 yrs ago to help ME. To help me recovery from the "crazys" I had developed. I did all sorts of things I am not proud of... And thats my part in this toxic mess. So I focus on me and work to be a better person for me. Have you given any thought to trying al-anon?
And as for him not contacting you... Consider this... He's doing you a favor. I'm in the process of divorcing my AH. I served him the papers and he is not fighting it one bit. Just sitting back and saying, "ok. Fine. You win Shannon. It's always got to be your way.". And that's it. At first, at still a little now, I was hurt... Why isn't my husband doing everything he can to fight for US? To fight for our family?? Aren't I good enough??
I am good enough. Im pretty enough... Smart enough. But, the person I am, will not tolerate the drinking.. . And I've made that clear. The person he is... Won't give up the drinking. So, we don't belong together. And we both see the stalemate we are in. Neither side will surrender... So... It's time to move on.
It's not about you. There is NOTHING you could have done to somehow magically make it better. Trust me, because I am you... 7 yrs from now. Don't go back to him... Go to al-anon and heal yourself so that when the right man comes along... Your head is back on straight.
Hugs to you,
Shannon
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
One other thing-those of us who had our exes contacting us with false promises...oh boy. Do some of us wish we could go back in time and not have listened to them. Boy do I wish my ex had just let go of contacting me, the FIRST time we broke up. I would not have gone through so many traumatic situations over the past 2.5 yrs that have made me feel so damaged and hurt.
Originally Posted by forgotten1
Hello, I've been reading the threads for a week now, and decided to finally jump in and join
background: i've been doing no contact for 15 weeks now (a little over 4 months). me and xabf had a 2.5 year relationship, in which the last year consisted of break ups/make ups. the "final straw" for me (which probably came after too many second chances) was just after the new year, when we got in yet another circular argument over the phone over the demise of our relationship -- me touting that he never put enough effort into it because of his alcohol issues and he saying that he "doesn't deny he has an addiction to alcohol, but our problem isn't from that"... saying that he "just realized he wasn't attracted to me and that he tried to be for so long (2.5 years) but that he just couldn't get himself to be--and maybe that's why he drank so much"
this STUNG... because, even though i [objectively] know im attractive... this is my biggest sore spot for self-doubt.
it brought me to "craziness" and i ended up driving to his place 2 blocks away from me, grabbing MY guitar he was holding hostage (saying the only reason i wanted it back was because i was trying to "control" him) and all of the letters/small gifts i ever gave him. i stopped him in his tracks as he was trying to act like "everything was ok", and just told him to shut up--that i never wanted to hear about or from him again because i just lacked enough care about if he even lived/died or was happy/sad. this culminated in MY eventual laying it all out--letting "my craziness" out since i'd been taking all of the hateful words he'd been spewing at me the past couple of months (repeatedly calling me crazy, psycho, controlling, etc... all things i am obviously not).
anyway, it's been a "good" (relatively speaking) four months... grieving the loss of a relationship, the loss of a best friend, and picking myself up from all of the verbal/emotional abuse. i dont find myself crying every night, but i DO find myself still constantly thinking about him.
now, with the clouds clearing, i feel bad about how I acted that last night - because i stooped to his level. i ended up saying the crazy, manipulative **** and stretched truths to make him feel bad about himself (i figured, he already believed that **** about me--so why not just be that person... this was my final straw... i had put up with so much abuse for so long, to the point where he would threaten me "if i kept crying" during his drunken verbal attacks).
90% of me says to continue down my road... and some day i'll just magically stop going over and over this lost "fairy-tale" future we had envisioned... but there's this 10% ball that's starting to take shape and may be growing... a pull toward wanting to just apologize... for MY part... for MY abusive language that last night... for stretching truths/lying to bring HIM down.
i feel like thruout our time together, i kept wanting to be validated/appreciated... or AT LEAST to be seen as who i am (and not who his delusional brain wants me to be to continue on his alcoholic/depressive existence)... but with my leaving the way i did... i left with a false image of myself... and it nags at me.
also, in the back of my head im wondering--how come in most threads i read about the xAs in our lives "begging" to get back together and making false promises... i know in the long run it doesn't matter--coz i'd still make the decision to not give him a second chance... but i have to be honest, that it still hurts my ego that it's been four months and he's not even attempted a contact.
am i crazy or a sick person for still thinking these things??
background: i've been doing no contact for 15 weeks now (a little over 4 months). me and xabf had a 2.5 year relationship, in which the last year consisted of break ups/make ups. the "final straw" for me (which probably came after too many second chances) was just after the new year, when we got in yet another circular argument over the phone over the demise of our relationship -- me touting that he never put enough effort into it because of his alcohol issues and he saying that he "doesn't deny he has an addiction to alcohol, but our problem isn't from that"... saying that he "just realized he wasn't attracted to me and that he tried to be for so long (2.5 years) but that he just couldn't get himself to be--and maybe that's why he drank so much"
this STUNG... because, even though i [objectively] know im attractive... this is my biggest sore spot for self-doubt.
it brought me to "craziness" and i ended up driving to his place 2 blocks away from me, grabbing MY guitar he was holding hostage (saying the only reason i wanted it back was because i was trying to "control" him) and all of the letters/small gifts i ever gave him. i stopped him in his tracks as he was trying to act like "everything was ok", and just told him to shut up--that i never wanted to hear about or from him again because i just lacked enough care about if he even lived/died or was happy/sad. this culminated in MY eventual laying it all out--letting "my craziness" out since i'd been taking all of the hateful words he'd been spewing at me the past couple of months (repeatedly calling me crazy, psycho, controlling, etc... all things i am obviously not).
anyway, it's been a "good" (relatively speaking) four months... grieving the loss of a relationship, the loss of a best friend, and picking myself up from all of the verbal/emotional abuse. i dont find myself crying every night, but i DO find myself still constantly thinking about him.
now, with the clouds clearing, i feel bad about how I acted that last night - because i stooped to his level. i ended up saying the crazy, manipulative **** and stretched truths to make him feel bad about himself (i figured, he already believed that **** about me--so why not just be that person... this was my final straw... i had put up with so much abuse for so long, to the point where he would threaten me "if i kept crying" during his drunken verbal attacks).
90% of me says to continue down my road... and some day i'll just magically stop going over and over this lost "fairy-tale" future we had envisioned... but there's this 10% ball that's starting to take shape and may be growing... a pull toward wanting to just apologize... for MY part... for MY abusive language that last night... for stretching truths/lying to bring HIM down.
i feel like thruout our time together, i kept wanting to be validated/appreciated... or AT LEAST to be seen as who i am (and not who his delusional brain wants me to be to continue on his alcoholic/depressive existence)... but with my leaving the way i did... i left with a false image of myself... and it nags at me.
also, in the back of my head im wondering--how come in most threads i read about the xAs in our lives "begging" to get back together and making false promises... i know in the long run it doesn't matter--coz i'd still make the decision to not give him a second chance... but i have to be honest, that it still hurts my ego that it's been four months and he's not even attempted a contact.
am i crazy or a sick person for still thinking these things??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
Thanks everyone for all of your kind words--it does help.
takingcharge, i especially liked the analogy of going back to a hot stove. in hindsight, it was like that. if i approached with truth, i'd get meanness; if it was with meanness, i got more manipulative and hurtful words; if it was with sincere care and kindness, i'd get called heartless and manipulative and controlling. if i just couldn't approach and surrendered and cried, i was berated even more. you are right--no matter how i approached it always ended up with the same **** - as in everything gets thrown in (all love and care and reason) just to keep his delusion alive and to defend his first love, which is alcohol and his depressive thoughts.
i guess, my pull says "it's been four months--maybe he's had time to calm down" and if i did approach, his usual defense walls wouldn't be up--and maybe SOMETHING i say would penetrate. MAYBE i'd get to be seen as who i really am?? ha. but hearing what you all say and from my own experience, the voice in the back saying "no, his walls will probably be even thicker and he'll react even worse" is keeping me scared enough to maintain no contact. does anyone have experience with any contact with an xA-h/bf YEARS after the end of a relationship? do they know deep down it's a delusion?! i know i don't need his appreciation or validation, but i really just hate that he hangs on to a false image of me. he's this incredibly "kind", "quiet" guy to everyone else--and it just bothers me that there's probably these people that think it's my fault... or that i was controlling... or etc etc. i want people to know the truth! philosophically speaking, it makes me feel like part of my existence is erased if someone refuses to see my truth. does that make sense?
sandrawg, my ex took many pills one night after a night of fighting to kill himself "because of us"... he would also repeatedly punch his head as hard as he could in front of me and say "look at what you're making me do"... or tell me that he hates himself because of our fighting... because he always seemed to do the wrong thing... and then ask, "should i just kill myself? do you want me to just kill myself?". the theatrics of those situations just made me realize he's got mental issues beyond alcoholism (im thinking personality disorder of some sort). he's been seeing a psychoANALYST for over 1.5 years now TWICE a week (which, in therapy talk means he's kinda extreme) and there's been NO help. if anything, he's gotten so much worse.
i started going to a therapist over a year ago because i was thinking i needed advice on having a partner suffering from depression and/or was an alcoholic--but now, it's been about a month since i saw her since i feel a lot more in control of my thoughts. i tried going to an al anon group, but i feel like this online forum is more helpful than the face-to-face meetings for me.
ps-my own therapist pointed out her "questioning" of HIS psychoANAYLIST's practice... because this guy convinced my ex to not try AA (coz my ex doesn't believe in HP and intellectualizes too much)... and because if a therapist has been seeing u for over a year w/o improvement then it would be ethical in their practice to suggest they see another therapist. does anyone have any background in the practice of psychoanalysis... i know it's more intense the normal psychotherapy, as this is the old school method of therapy... but seriously, i feel like this psychoanalyst is codependent himself, with wanting to "save" my ex. i've never met this therapist, but the ex said he liked him coz he's "like woody allen". (ugh, playing into the alcoholic romance that they're special)
takingcharge, i especially liked the analogy of going back to a hot stove. in hindsight, it was like that. if i approached with truth, i'd get meanness; if it was with meanness, i got more manipulative and hurtful words; if it was with sincere care and kindness, i'd get called heartless and manipulative and controlling. if i just couldn't approach and surrendered and cried, i was berated even more. you are right--no matter how i approached it always ended up with the same **** - as in everything gets thrown in (all love and care and reason) just to keep his delusion alive and to defend his first love, which is alcohol and his depressive thoughts.
i guess, my pull says "it's been four months--maybe he's had time to calm down" and if i did approach, his usual defense walls wouldn't be up--and maybe SOMETHING i say would penetrate. MAYBE i'd get to be seen as who i really am?? ha. but hearing what you all say and from my own experience, the voice in the back saying "no, his walls will probably be even thicker and he'll react even worse" is keeping me scared enough to maintain no contact. does anyone have experience with any contact with an xA-h/bf YEARS after the end of a relationship? do they know deep down it's a delusion?! i know i don't need his appreciation or validation, but i really just hate that he hangs on to a false image of me. he's this incredibly "kind", "quiet" guy to everyone else--and it just bothers me that there's probably these people that think it's my fault... or that i was controlling... or etc etc. i want people to know the truth! philosophically speaking, it makes me feel like part of my existence is erased if someone refuses to see my truth. does that make sense?
sandrawg, my ex took many pills one night after a night of fighting to kill himself "because of us"... he would also repeatedly punch his head as hard as he could in front of me and say "look at what you're making me do"... or tell me that he hates himself because of our fighting... because he always seemed to do the wrong thing... and then ask, "should i just kill myself? do you want me to just kill myself?". the theatrics of those situations just made me realize he's got mental issues beyond alcoholism (im thinking personality disorder of some sort). he's been seeing a psychoANALYST for over 1.5 years now TWICE a week (which, in therapy talk means he's kinda extreme) and there's been NO help. if anything, he's gotten so much worse.
i started going to a therapist over a year ago because i was thinking i needed advice on having a partner suffering from depression and/or was an alcoholic--but now, it's been about a month since i saw her since i feel a lot more in control of my thoughts. i tried going to an al anon group, but i feel like this online forum is more helpful than the face-to-face meetings for me.
ps-my own therapist pointed out her "questioning" of HIS psychoANAYLIST's practice... because this guy convinced my ex to not try AA (coz my ex doesn't believe in HP and intellectualizes too much)... and because if a therapist has been seeing u for over a year w/o improvement then it would be ethical in their practice to suggest they see another therapist. does anyone have any background in the practice of psychoanalysis... i know it's more intense the normal psychotherapy, as this is the old school method of therapy... but seriously, i feel like this psychoanalyst is codependent himself, with wanting to "save" my ex. i've never met this therapist, but the ex said he liked him coz he's "like woody allen". (ugh, playing into the alcoholic romance that they're special)
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
1) "i guess, my pull says "it's been four months--maybe he's had time to calm down" and if i did approach, his usual defense walls wouldn't be up--and maybe SOMETHING i say would penetrate. "
This is YOUR addiction talking. Your codependency tells you "well maybe THIS time things will be different." How many times did I think that. hmmm...more than I care to count. "If nothing changes, nothing changes."
That means, if you and he are not both in recovery, you will end up with the same thing you've always gotten. There are no magic words to "cure" an alcoholic. Believe me, those of us on this board with more of the "E" in ESH, can attest to that, cuz we tried EVVVVVVERYYTHING. Literally. Everything.
2) "no, his walls will probably be even thicker and he'll react even worse" is keeping me scared enough to maintain no contact. YES. YES. And DOUBLE YES.
3) "i know i don't need his appreciation or validation, but i really just hate that he hangs on to a false image of me."
Who cares what he thinks? He's not even in his right mind.
This is where al-anon can help you, with detachment and acceptance.
"What other people think of me is none of my business." Great saying I learned in al-anon
4) "sandrawg, my ex took many pills one night after a night of fighting to kill himself "because of us"... he would also repeatedly punch his head as hard as he could in front of me and say "look at what you're making me do"... or tell me that he hates himself because of our fighting... because he always seemed to do the wrong thing... and then ask, "should i just kill myself? do you want me to just kill myself?". the theatrics of those situations just made me realize he's got mental issues beyond alcoholism (im thinking personality disorder of some sort)."
Yes, my exabf was diagnosed bipolar, ADHD, and probably a few other things he didn't tell me about! Many alcoholics became that way because they were self-medicating mental disorders.
That's a double whammy, triple whammy, maybe a quadruple whammy. Or what they call in psych circles "dual diagnosis." All I know is, it's a recipe for misery, loving someone like that.
5) "ps-my own therapist pointed out her "questioning" of HIS psychoANAYLIST's practice... because this guy convinced my ex to not try AA (coz my ex doesn't believe in HP and intellectualizes too much)... and because if a therapist has been seeing u for over a year w/o improvement then it would be ethical in their practice to suggest they see another therapist. does anyone have any background in the practice of psychoanalysis... i know it's more intense the normal psychotherapy, as this is the old school method of therapy... but seriously, i feel like this psychoanalyst is codependent himself, with wanting to "save" my ex. i've never met this therapist, but the ex said he liked him coz he's "like woody allen". (ugh, playing into the alcoholic romance that they're special)"
Sigh. Why are you getting caught up in concerning yourself with his psychotherapy? He's not in your life anymore, right? Do you think maybe this is a distraction for you, so you don't have to look at your own issues and recovery? I only say that because I've been there.
I STILL go there sometimes. It's a constant battle-fightiing this codependency problem. But I'd much rather be fighting with this than HIS alcoholism. At least THIS, I can work on. I can't work on him.
Or, as I told him in one of my last emails: "I can't continue to care about you more than you care about yourself."
This is YOUR addiction talking. Your codependency tells you "well maybe THIS time things will be different." How many times did I think that. hmmm...more than I care to count. "If nothing changes, nothing changes."
That means, if you and he are not both in recovery, you will end up with the same thing you've always gotten. There are no magic words to "cure" an alcoholic. Believe me, those of us on this board with more of the "E" in ESH, can attest to that, cuz we tried EVVVVVVERYYTHING. Literally. Everything.
2) "no, his walls will probably be even thicker and he'll react even worse" is keeping me scared enough to maintain no contact. YES. YES. And DOUBLE YES.
3) "i know i don't need his appreciation or validation, but i really just hate that he hangs on to a false image of me."
Who cares what he thinks? He's not even in his right mind.
This is where al-anon can help you, with detachment and acceptance.
"What other people think of me is none of my business." Great saying I learned in al-anon
4) "sandrawg, my ex took many pills one night after a night of fighting to kill himself "because of us"... he would also repeatedly punch his head as hard as he could in front of me and say "look at what you're making me do"... or tell me that he hates himself because of our fighting... because he always seemed to do the wrong thing... and then ask, "should i just kill myself? do you want me to just kill myself?". the theatrics of those situations just made me realize he's got mental issues beyond alcoholism (im thinking personality disorder of some sort)."
Yes, my exabf was diagnosed bipolar, ADHD, and probably a few other things he didn't tell me about! Many alcoholics became that way because they were self-medicating mental disorders.
That's a double whammy, triple whammy, maybe a quadruple whammy. Or what they call in psych circles "dual diagnosis." All I know is, it's a recipe for misery, loving someone like that.
5) "ps-my own therapist pointed out her "questioning" of HIS psychoANAYLIST's practice... because this guy convinced my ex to not try AA (coz my ex doesn't believe in HP and intellectualizes too much)... and because if a therapist has been seeing u for over a year w/o improvement then it would be ethical in their practice to suggest they see another therapist. does anyone have any background in the practice of psychoanalysis... i know it's more intense the normal psychotherapy, as this is the old school method of therapy... but seriously, i feel like this psychoanalyst is codependent himself, with wanting to "save" my ex. i've never met this therapist, but the ex said he liked him coz he's "like woody allen". (ugh, playing into the alcoholic romance that they're special)"
Sigh. Why are you getting caught up in concerning yourself with his psychotherapy? He's not in your life anymore, right? Do you think maybe this is a distraction for you, so you don't have to look at your own issues and recovery? I only say that because I've been there.
I STILL go there sometimes. It's a constant battle-fightiing this codependency problem. But I'd much rather be fighting with this than HIS alcoholism. At least THIS, I can work on. I can't work on him.
Or, as I told him in one of my last emails: "I can't continue to care about you more than you care about yourself."
Originally Posted by forgotten1
Thanks everyone for all of your kind words--it does help.
takingcharge, i especially liked the analogy of going back to a hot stove. in hindsight, it was like that. if i approached with truth, i'd get meanness; if it was with meanness, i got more manipulative and hurtful words; if it was with sincere care and kindness, i'd get called heartless and manipulative and controlling. if i just couldn't approach and surrendered and cried, i was berated even more. you are right--no matter how i approached it always ended up with the same **** - as in everything gets thrown in (all love and care and reason) just to keep his delusion alive and to defend his first love, which is alcohol and his depressive thoughts.
i guess, my pull says "it's been four months--maybe he's had time to calm down" and if i did approach, his usual defense walls wouldn't be up--and maybe SOMETHING i say would penetrate. MAYBE i'd get to be seen as who i really am?? ha. but hearing what you all say and from my own experience, the voice in the back saying "no, his walls will probably be even thicker and he'll react even worse" is keeping me scared enough to maintain no contact. does anyone have experience with any contact with an xA-h/bf YEARS after the end of a relationship? do they know deep down it's a delusion?! i know i don't need his appreciation or validation, but i really just hate that he hangs on to a false image of me. he's this incredibly "kind", "quiet" guy to everyone else--and it just bothers me that there's probably these people that think it's my fault... or that i was controlling... or etc etc. i want people to know the truth! philosophically speaking, it makes me feel like part of my existence is erased if someone refuses to see my truth. does that make sense?
sandrawg, my ex took many pills one night after a night of fighting to kill himself "because of us"... he would also repeatedly punch his head as hard as he could in front of me and say "look at what you're making me do"... or tell me that he hates himself because of our fighting... because he always seemed to do the wrong thing... and then ask, "should i just kill myself? do you want me to just kill myself?". the theatrics of those situations just made me realize he's got mental issues beyond alcoholism (im thinking personality disorder of some sort). he's been seeing a psychoANALYST for over 1.5 years now TWICE a week (which, in therapy talk means he's kinda extreme) and there's been NO help. if anything, he's gotten so much worse.
i started going to a therapist over a year ago because i was thinking i needed advice on having a partner suffering from depression and/or was an alcoholic--but now, it's been about a month since i saw her since i feel a lot more in control of my thoughts. i tried going to an al anon group, but i feel like this online forum is more helpful than the face-to-face meetings for me.
ps-my own therapist pointed out her "questioning" of HIS psychoANAYLIST's practice... because this guy convinced my ex to not try AA (coz my ex doesn't believe in HP and intellectualizes too much)... and because if a therapist has been seeing u for over a year w/o improvement then it would be ethical in their practice to suggest they see another therapist. does anyone have any background in the practice of psychoanalysis... i know it's more intense the normal psychotherapy, as this is the old school method of therapy... but seriously, i feel like this psychoanalyst is codependent himself, with wanting to "save" my ex. i've never met this therapist, but the ex said he liked him coz he's "like woody allen". (ugh, playing into the alcoholic romance that they're special)
takingcharge, i especially liked the analogy of going back to a hot stove. in hindsight, it was like that. if i approached with truth, i'd get meanness; if it was with meanness, i got more manipulative and hurtful words; if it was with sincere care and kindness, i'd get called heartless and manipulative and controlling. if i just couldn't approach and surrendered and cried, i was berated even more. you are right--no matter how i approached it always ended up with the same **** - as in everything gets thrown in (all love and care and reason) just to keep his delusion alive and to defend his first love, which is alcohol and his depressive thoughts.
i guess, my pull says "it's been four months--maybe he's had time to calm down" and if i did approach, his usual defense walls wouldn't be up--and maybe SOMETHING i say would penetrate. MAYBE i'd get to be seen as who i really am?? ha. but hearing what you all say and from my own experience, the voice in the back saying "no, his walls will probably be even thicker and he'll react even worse" is keeping me scared enough to maintain no contact. does anyone have experience with any contact with an xA-h/bf YEARS after the end of a relationship? do they know deep down it's a delusion?! i know i don't need his appreciation or validation, but i really just hate that he hangs on to a false image of me. he's this incredibly "kind", "quiet" guy to everyone else--and it just bothers me that there's probably these people that think it's my fault... or that i was controlling... or etc etc. i want people to know the truth! philosophically speaking, it makes me feel like part of my existence is erased if someone refuses to see my truth. does that make sense?
sandrawg, my ex took many pills one night after a night of fighting to kill himself "because of us"... he would also repeatedly punch his head as hard as he could in front of me and say "look at what you're making me do"... or tell me that he hates himself because of our fighting... because he always seemed to do the wrong thing... and then ask, "should i just kill myself? do you want me to just kill myself?". the theatrics of those situations just made me realize he's got mental issues beyond alcoholism (im thinking personality disorder of some sort). he's been seeing a psychoANALYST for over 1.5 years now TWICE a week (which, in therapy talk means he's kinda extreme) and there's been NO help. if anything, he's gotten so much worse.
i started going to a therapist over a year ago because i was thinking i needed advice on having a partner suffering from depression and/or was an alcoholic--but now, it's been about a month since i saw her since i feel a lot more in control of my thoughts. i tried going to an al anon group, but i feel like this online forum is more helpful than the face-to-face meetings for me.
ps-my own therapist pointed out her "questioning" of HIS psychoANAYLIST's practice... because this guy convinced my ex to not try AA (coz my ex doesn't believe in HP and intellectualizes too much)... and because if a therapist has been seeing u for over a year w/o improvement then it would be ethical in their practice to suggest they see another therapist. does anyone have any background in the practice of psychoanalysis... i know it's more intense the normal psychotherapy, as this is the old school method of therapy... but seriously, i feel like this psychoanalyst is codependent himself, with wanting to "save" my ex. i've never met this therapist, but the ex said he liked him coz he's "like woody allen". (ugh, playing into the alcoholic romance that they're special)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
You are not crazy nor sick.
And what everyone else here says.
Welcome, you are not alone. We've all been on the crazy train that is loving an alcoholic. Some of us are still on it. Some are making a jump for it off the back end with nothing but our purses and the clothes on our back. Some managed to pull on the brakes and stopped the train to get off. All of our personal stories are different but the feelings are the same. It is crazy making.
Forgiveness is a personal thing. Whether it be for him or for yourself or both. Its been 4 months of no contact - why ruin a good thing? You deserve better.
Stay strong!
~T
And what everyone else here says.
Welcome, you are not alone. We've all been on the crazy train that is loving an alcoholic. Some of us are still on it. Some are making a jump for it off the back end with nothing but our purses and the clothes on our back. Some managed to pull on the brakes and stopped the train to get off. All of our personal stories are different but the feelings are the same. It is crazy making.
Forgiveness is a personal thing. Whether it be for him or for yourself or both. Its been 4 months of no contact - why ruin a good thing? You deserve better.
Stay strong!
~T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
I don't mean to sound blunt but here it is: you say its been 4 months since you've spoken to him and he has not contacted you? The reason: he's found a new enabler. We enablers (and I was one of them) are a dime a dozen. We are interchangable and replaceable in a blink of an eye. He will always have his drink so he doesn't need anyone special. He just needs one person that he can use and he's probably found one. There are people everywhere like that and they aren't hard to find. His walls probably won't be down. They will probably be up higher because he has no use for you anymore. He only liked you as long as you DiD things for him. I am where you are as well because I was also used by an addict. But its no reflection on you at all. That's just the life that an addict leads. You are better off keeping no contact bc it will preserve you from getting hurt any further. The best thing you can do is step aside and stay out of his way because if it came down to you or a drink, he would step over you to get it.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I learned with my XABF that what he truly felt about me, and what he said he felt about me, were two different animals. He tended to know the truth, but shout lies about how he felt in an attempt to control me. And it worked, so he kept doing it.
His opinion of you may not be as far off from your truth as you think.
I have learned that XABF's true opinion of me and who I am is a lot closer to my truth than I thought, and completely different from what he was constantly telling me.
The odds of him admitting it out loud to you, of course, are slim to none. And acting on it? Forget it. As long as alcohol has a hold, he won't really listen to anything or anyone else.
His opinion of you may not be as far off from your truth as you think.
I have learned that XABF's true opinion of me and who I am is a lot closer to my truth than I thought, and completely different from what he was constantly telling me.
The odds of him admitting it out loud to you, of course, are slim to none. And acting on it? Forget it. As long as alcohol has a hold, he won't really listen to anything or anyone else.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Congrats on maintaining no contact! 
What TC said. I have also done this as well - all without the participation of XABF.
I was rejected as well - the second time I was dropped hard. It hurt. It hurt so bad I learned my lesson. Not everyone learns in the same way, but this is how I learn. It didn't hurt enough the first time, so I wasn't finished and went back.
If it didn't hurt so bad and take up so much time and space in my brain, I would have never worked so hard and spent so much time and energy to recover from it and enjoy the life I have come to love and treasure.
Hang in there!
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
You can get closure, apologize, move on, all without his participation.
I was rejected as well - the second time I was dropped hard. It hurt. It hurt so bad I learned my lesson. Not everyone learns in the same way, but this is how I learn. It didn't hurt enough the first time, so I wasn't finished and went back.
If it didn't hurt so bad and take up so much time and space in my brain, I would have never worked so hard and spent so much time and energy to recover from it and enjoy the life I have come to love and treasure.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 28
Author Toby Rice Drews wrote: "Rejected by a Reject". It certainly feels this way. His comment about his lack of attraction & his ongoing silence are slaps in the face. I havent experienced that situation in many years. Yet, thinking back even now, it still puts an arrow in my heart. Things for my AP & I have changed somewhat now & I have forgiven these games but I will never forget that hurt.
It doesnt matter whether you acted appropiately or like a banshee on your last meeting...he would have only seen his version of an 'Evil' you either way. Not because he truly feels you're evil but because you're the ideal scapegoat. A scapecoat to blame instead of facing up to his own uglyness.
I believe that what Starcat wrote here was right on the mark. They zero in on your insecurities & say just the right words to either boost you or destroy you. In the early days, he played me like a fiddle with his words. I felt like a dangling puppet at his mercy. As soon as I stopped feeding into this, his words had no power, he stopped the manipulation...it no longer served his purpose.
Let the silence run its course. Dont bother apologising. Either its over (which can only be a blessing for you) or he's using silence as another form of punishment. Imo, assume whatever will convince you that these precious months (weeks, years) are better spent living the gentle life you deserve. Love 'you' for awhile, give 'you' attention & affection. Make your peace your number one priority.
It doesnt matter whether you acted appropiately or like a banshee on your last meeting...he would have only seen his version of an 'Evil' you either way. Not because he truly feels you're evil but because you're the ideal scapegoat. A scapecoat to blame instead of facing up to his own uglyness.
Originally Posted by StarCat
I learned with my XABF that what he truly felt about me, and what he said he felt about me, were two different animals. He tended to know the truth, but shout lies about how he felt in an attempt to control me. And it worked, so he kept doing it.
Let the silence run its course. Dont bother apologising. Either its over (which can only be a blessing for you) or he's using silence as another form of punishment. Imo, assume whatever will convince you that these precious months (weeks, years) are better spent living the gentle life you deserve. Love 'you' for awhile, give 'you' attention & affection. Make your peace your number one priority.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by forgotten1
starcat... THANK YOU for understanding. how did you find out your truths were closer than what you initially thought? im SO glad to hear that. seriously, thank you.
XABF also had a couple sober periods. None lasted as long as I liked, but when the alcohol got out of his system, he would tell me how sorry he was for his behavior, and he'd even write poems. (These poems did focus too much on what I did for him for my liking now, which is why I got rid of them, but they did touch on a lot of my positive qualities that he would deny when he was drinking.)
Then there's the things other people would tell me that he said about me when I wasn't there. He'd brag about me a lot to anyone who would listen - but he wouldn't tell any of this to me.
There's other things, but these were the big ones. Reading "Why Does He Do That?" (mine was also abusive) opened my eyes to a lot of tactics he used, and looking back over time I started to peel apart the words so that I could look at what was behind them, and everything just started making sense.
He didn't say what he meant. He said what he wanted me to believe - to cut me down so that I'd always stay with him, and also to distract my attention from his drinking and abuse of me - and it worked, so he kept doing it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
everyone's not the same.
i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when i really said goodbye to my xabf, i would not get the begging, the stalking behaviors. he knew better, and he had enough pride to not do that to himself.
deep down, he knew/thought that he wasn't really good enough for me, even though i spent years trying to combat that sense of shame.
you know the right thing. you are still hurting. it's ok.
consider getting the book:
the journey from abandonment to healing by susan anderson. you will see yourself in it, guaranteed.
welcome to s/r. there is a place for you here.
i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when i really said goodbye to my xabf, i would not get the begging, the stalking behaviors. he knew better, and he had enough pride to not do that to himself.
deep down, he knew/thought that he wasn't really good enough for me, even though i spent years trying to combat that sense of shame.
you know the right thing. you are still hurting. it's ok.
consider getting the book:
the journey from abandonment to healing by susan anderson. you will see yourself in it, guaranteed.
welcome to s/r. there is a place for you here.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
StarCat is right. And believe me, this can be very crazy-making behavior on the part of the alcoholic.
Deep down, your exabf does not like himself. At some level he probably doesn't thikn he deserves you. However, if he were to admit he let a good thing go over drinking, THEN he'd have to face his problem. The disease won't let him do that.
So he has to disparage you. He has to tell himself lies. This is what they say in AA is the person who is "constitutionally incapable of being honest with himself or others."
That's a person in active addiction/alcoholism. Now, what's the core of all healthy relationships? Trust. Do you see how these 2 things don't jibe? Constitutionally dishonest = untrustworthy.
I find that the longer my exabf has been binge drinking, the more muddled his thinking is. you should see his last email to me. It's very bizarre.
He said things like "You're better than this...you know that. Why do you keep pretending like your'e worthless.." (I think he's projecting his own lack of self-worth on me).."I can't be with you now because it's too psychotic...you think I walked away from you to go to the bar? Blow it out your a$$" - he lives in some very warped illogical world. Anyone with common sense would say, if your gf says "stop drinking or I walk", and you WALK, then you basically dumped her for drinking.
Not the alcoholic tho. He'll never face that fact, because then he'd have to face his disease.
This is why they call alcoholism "cunning and baffling"! It's an insanity I want no part of anymore. You will see..there is a better life and happiness for you when you focus on your own recovery. Start spending time with people who dont have substance abuse issues-the difference is like night and day.
Deep down, your exabf does not like himself. At some level he probably doesn't thikn he deserves you. However, if he were to admit he let a good thing go over drinking, THEN he'd have to face his problem. The disease won't let him do that.
So he has to disparage you. He has to tell himself lies. This is what they say in AA is the person who is "constitutionally incapable of being honest with himself or others."
That's a person in active addiction/alcoholism. Now, what's the core of all healthy relationships? Trust. Do you see how these 2 things don't jibe? Constitutionally dishonest = untrustworthy.
I find that the longer my exabf has been binge drinking, the more muddled his thinking is. you should see his last email to me. It's very bizarre.
He said things like "You're better than this...you know that. Why do you keep pretending like your'e worthless.." (I think he's projecting his own lack of self-worth on me).."I can't be with you now because it's too psychotic...you think I walked away from you to go to the bar? Blow it out your a$$" - he lives in some very warped illogical world. Anyone with common sense would say, if your gf says "stop drinking or I walk", and you WALK, then you basically dumped her for drinking.
Not the alcoholic tho. He'll never face that fact, because then he'd have to face his disease.
This is why they call alcoholism "cunning and baffling"! It's an insanity I want no part of anymore. You will see..there is a better life and happiness for you when you focus on your own recovery. Start spending time with people who dont have substance abuse issues-the difference is like night and day.
Originally Posted by StarCat
I learned with my XABF that what he truly felt about me, and what he said he felt about me, were two different animals. He tended to know the truth, but shout lies about how he felt in an attempt to control me. And it worked, so he kept doing it.
His opinion of you may not be as far off from your truth as you think.
I have learned that XABF's true opinion of me and who I am is a lot closer to my truth than I thought, and completely different from what he was constantly telling me.
The odds of him admitting it out loud to you, of course, are slim to none. And acting on it? Forget it. As long as alcohol has a hold, he won't really listen to anything or anyone else.
His opinion of you may not be as far off from your truth as you think.
I have learned that XABF's true opinion of me and who I am is a lot closer to my truth than I thought, and completely different from what he was constantly telling me.
The odds of him admitting it out loud to you, of course, are slim to none. And acting on it? Forget it. As long as alcohol has a hold, he won't really listen to anything or anyone else.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Funny-you're reminding me that my exabf used to do the same-he'd say really nice things about me to his friends and family. That never made sense to me, either.
This new chick he's with who is a pothead and his new enabler, he has always disparaged to everyone else, including me.
This new chick he's with who is a pothead and his new enabler, he has always disparaged to everyone else, including me.
Originally Posted by StarCat
I started by talking to recovering alcoholics. Many of them are extremely honest about their past behaviors, and what they would do to keep people in "enabler mode."
XABF also had a couple sober periods. None lasted as long as I liked, but when the alcohol got out of his system, he would tell me how sorry he was for his behavior, and he'd even write poems. (These poems did focus too much on what I did for him for my liking now, which is why I got rid of them, but they did touch on a lot of my positive qualities that he would deny when he was drinking.)
Then there's the things other people would tell me that he said about me when I wasn't there. He'd brag about me a lot to anyone who would listen - but he wouldn't tell any of this to me.
There's other things, but these were the big ones. Reading "Why Does He Do That?" (mine was also abusive) opened my eyes to a lot of tactics he used, and looking back over time I started to peel apart the words so that I could look at what was behind them, and everything just started making sense.
He didn't say what he meant. He said what he wanted me to believe - to cut me down so that I'd always stay with him, and also to distract my attention from his drinking and abuse of me - and it worked, so he kept doing it.
XABF also had a couple sober periods. None lasted as long as I liked, but when the alcohol got out of his system, he would tell me how sorry he was for his behavior, and he'd even write poems. (These poems did focus too much on what I did for him for my liking now, which is why I got rid of them, but they did touch on a lot of my positive qualities that he would deny when he was drinking.)
Then there's the things other people would tell me that he said about me when I wasn't there. He'd brag about me a lot to anyone who would listen - but he wouldn't tell any of this to me.
There's other things, but these were the big ones. Reading "Why Does He Do That?" (mine was also abusive) opened my eyes to a lot of tactics he used, and looking back over time I started to peel apart the words so that I could look at what was behind them, and everything just started making sense.
He didn't say what he meant. He said what he wanted me to believe - to cut me down so that I'd always stay with him, and also to distract my attention from his drinking and abuse of me - and it worked, so he kept doing it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Originally Posted by sandrawg
He said things like "You're better than this...you know that."
Yet when we were together he always told me I already was a "cold-hearted *****" and that I should stop wasting his time and just move on to one of my former boyfriends, "since they must have been so much better than me." (Imagine an evil sneer, a voice dripping with sarcasm, and that reptilian look they get - and you've got the full picture.)
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
You're reminding me of one of our many breakups, when he KIND OF admitted he had a drinking problem. He had done cocaine, despite promising me he wouldn't. Well, how's he gonna explain the coke use? "I have a drinking problem-I only do coke when I drink" (actually that was sort of true.)
So, to stop the coke use, he pulled the "I have a drinking problem" card. So when I tried to break up with him over doing coke, he tried to guilt me. "How can you leave someone when they admit they have a drinking problem? That's pretty cold Sandra."
Totally GUILTED me. So. I stayed. I even let him do that "moderation management" thing where he was supposed to cut down his drinking. I told him if moderation management didn't wokr, he'd have to admit he had a problem and go to AA.
Well, that was right before July 4th, so when July 4 rolled around, he decided it was cool to go to the bar and get wasted. Yeah, suddenly the "I have a drinking problem" went out the window.
This was well before I started going to al-anon so I didn't know how to handle it.
So, to stop the coke use, he pulled the "I have a drinking problem" card. So when I tried to break up with him over doing coke, he tried to guilt me. "How can you leave someone when they admit they have a drinking problem? That's pretty cold Sandra."
Totally GUILTED me. So. I stayed. I even let him do that "moderation management" thing where he was supposed to cut down his drinking. I told him if moderation management didn't wokr, he'd have to admit he had a problem and go to AA.
Well, that was right before July 4th, so when July 4 rolled around, he decided it was cool to go to the bar and get wasted. Yeah, suddenly the "I have a drinking problem" went out the window.
This was well before I started going to al-anon so I didn't know how to handle it.
Originally Posted by StarCat
Mine, last time we "spoke" - mostly him shouting at me - was telling me how I'm so much better than my behavior now, that I've never been one to give up on anybody, and that I owe it to myself to take him back so I don't turn into a cold-hearted *****.
Yet when we were together he always told me I already was a "cold-hearted *****" and that I should stop wasting his time and just move on to one of my former boyfriends, "since they must have been so much better than me." (Imagine an evil sneer, a voice dripping with sarcasm, and that reptilian look they get - and you've got the full picture.)
Yet when we were together he always told me I already was a "cold-hearted *****" and that I should stop wasting his time and just move on to one of my former boyfriends, "since they must have been so much better than me." (Imagine an evil sneer, a voice dripping with sarcasm, and that reptilian look they get - and you've got the full picture.)
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
I was out to dinner tonight with a girlfriend of mine and she brought along her boyfriend. Well, I am really in tune now to watching how functioning normal non Alcoholic couples act because my relationship was so dysfunctional and nothing came easy. With that said, I was blown away at how this man acted towards his gf compared to how my ex treated me. This guy was vibrant, engaging, interactive, he looked over and smiled at her, put his arm around her, he was just alive. Lightyears ahead of anything my ex did with me. He was just dead to me and the world. I'm assuming he was just miserable and couldn't bring himself to interact bc he wanted to drink. Anyway, you deserve a guy like my friends boyfriend-one that is happy to be alive and not somebody that has this dark cloud hanging over their head 24\7. Heck, we all deserve a guy like that!! Someone with a zest for life and a reason to live and a passion to love us unconditionally!
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