meggie122

To engage in marriage counseling with an addict? He says all the right things but so far not alot of action behind it. He wants us to go to counseling. I wonder if we need more time apart to heal first.

meggie122

He has been clean 2 days.

laurie6781

Most good therapists and counselors who are familiar with addiction will not engage with an A until they have a really good 'foothold' in recovery as they know it is a waste of time, money and energy for everyone.

2 days is not a 'foothold' in recovery. This might be a subject to revisit when he reaches a year or so.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

meggie122

Some of the issues we need to address in counseling may be hindering his recovery. I was in a previous gay relationship and when I left her she was abusive and I knew it wasn't what I wanted for my life. But I had a huge transition when I started dating my husband and 1) he read an email I wrote to my friend where I asked myself if I could be with a man forever cuz it was different and 2) a woman I work with who was my friend and confidant came out to me as gay then hit in me. I declined and immediately told husband/ bf at the time. But to this day he swears I cheated on him. 3) he thinks our sexual issues are because I am going. So these issues were all worked out and he admits being happy after we saw a marriage counselor for awhile prior to my pregnacy. Then for whatever reason during my pregnancy he snapped, pushed me away instead of talking about it, used drugs, lied and cheated. But somehow I feel responsible.

meggie122

He basically can't trust me and this is his excuse for everythinh

Eddiebuckle

M,

As a recovering alcoholic, I would say that your husband needs to work on his sobriety first and foremost. While actively using and especially during the first months of sobriety, our brains are NOT reliable at guiding us, particularly on emotional issues. You do have things that will need to be addressed as a couple eventually, but until he has established sobriety as his new normal, it's pointless.

It takes a long time to establish sobriety. I am now 16 months sober and had this thread been about me after I got out of treament (6 weeks inpatient) I would have said that I was pretty solid and capable of dealing with the "big stuff." In retrospect, I now understand that was not the case - I simply didn't know how much I didn't know. The time it will take for your husband to be ready to deal with the external issues between you two depends how he progresses with sobriety. And please understand, 100% abstinence from drugs is not proof of sobriety. Sobriety is about acceptance and willingness to deal with the disease of addiction, which can be extremely difficult for some. It's not for the faint of heart or those prone to cut corners.

Be there for your husband, but first and foremost you've got to take care of yourself and your child(ren).

Eddiebuckle

Meg: this is a perfect example of trying to cut corners in sobriety.

newby1961

With 2 days sober he isn't taking any responsibility for his drinking he is still playing the blame game. If I was you I would check out some Alanon meetings so you can understand that no person can make another person drink just like they can't make them change and recover.

I have been sober almost 7 years and even into my 2nd year I still blamed others and when that didn't work I blamed God.

Till a person has worked the 12 steps or has been in some heavy duty therapy they don't have the insight to be able to grasp their disease and exactly how much damage it has caused.

IMHO you both need to work on yourselves first and only after that can you work on the relationship. You both need help, because it is a family disease and a lot of damage has been done.

Keep the Faith and remember you don't have power over anyone only God does.

meggie122

Thanks everyone. So my husband wants to fix our marriage by going to counseling and I should say no you need to fix yourself first?

hello-kitty

No.

Say YOU are going to tend to YOUR own needs and fix YOURSELF first. Then get to an al-anon meeting, buy a copy of Codependent No More, get yourself to individual counseling.... Do whatever it takes to get YOURSELF better.

IF he is committed to recovery, HE will be doing the same.

Once the TWO of you are able to lead healthy lives separately, you will be able to take a healthy approach to fixing the problems in your marriage. Any counselor with his/her fee will most likely tell you the same.