vttodd

My girlfriend is in jail for her 4th dui in virginia. I cant have contact with her b/c she is in medical (she takes klonpin ) and is having withdraws from it. i miss her soooo bad that I cant stand it. She drank herself to death the week she got the dui. ANYTHING you think would be helpfull to make me feel better. She is most likely be in jail for 1 year. Do you think she might get better or would want to see me again?

brokenheartfool

A year apart...that's a long time.
So plan YOUR LIFE for the next year.
Do tell me that you aren't going to stop living during that year? I mean really living, not just breathing.
This is like...a chance of freedom for you. You get to decide what to do with yourself without worrying about her, because simply, it's all out of your hands and there's nothing you can do about it.
So what can you do for yourself?

vttodd

I am just down right now. We were to get married in May 2011. I just want to know if she still loves me!

Tuffgirl

Well, you sound very hurt and confused. I am trying hard not to be sarcastic in my response, but may I ask what difference does it make if she loves you or not if she has to spend a year in jail? For DUI's? And she's an addict? And this is what you are worried about right now? Not how you chose someone with this kind of behavior and actually planned to marry this person?

Al-Anon would do wonders for you...please go to a few meetings (or 25) and talk with people who have been down this road before.

You have a year to do your homework before you decide if this person is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, have a family with, etc.

brokenheartfool

Of course she still loves you...at this point she will love you as long as you don't stand in the way of her alcohol, and it doesn't sound like you have done that.

It's not you who is standing in the way of her alcohol, it's the law, so she probably loves you although I don't know the girl and anything is possible...probably loves you as much as an active drunk can, and yes, I believe that to be limited.

The real question should be: If I work on myself and make good choices for myself for the next year, am I still going to even want to love her? Find out by making those choices for the next year, good choices for yourself...the answer to that last question in a year may surprise you.

Babyblue

Why wouldn't she love you? If anything she is probably going to wonder (if she sobers up) what you will do in her absence.

You have freedom and the world right in front of you, she is locked up. You miss her, of course but don't stop living your life.

I'm not in a position to judge the state of your relationship or why you are with her, you are still hurting regardless. But this is a good time to think seriously about the kind of future you can expect to have with an active alcoholic.

She will have to want to get better. Sometimes jail is a wake up call to get into recovery, sometimes not. But you have a chance to get better and do the most with your life.

Sorry you are hurting. I don't have any easy answers but the emotional stress of caring about an active alcoholic takes a toll. Focus on you in this time apart.

vttodd

Well we HAD a good relationship I guess. We have lived together for 3 years and She was raped and beat by her father when she was a child.She only drank when PMS came The last thing she told my mom was she still loved me and did not understand why I was so mad when she drank???????

Pelican

Welcome to SR

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You will find information and support here.

I recommend reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. Some of our stories are there as well as wisdom from our experiences.

Based on the limited information you have shared in your posts, your gf may have a problem with alcohol.
(4 dui's, monthly drinking to cope, justified drinking based on past)

Your gf has had a traumatic upbringing based on the information you shared.
What is she doing as an adult to cope with and heal from this abusive past?

As a recovering alcohlic, I can tell you stories about my past that would have you crying into your cereal this morning. I have learned to call it "terminal uniqueness" since I learned about my own alcoholism. Terminal Uniqueness means that I can tell you all the horrible reasons why I drank to cope with my past. "If you only lived half my life, you would drink too" kind of thinking.

Reality is this: Alcohol is not the answer. Ever.

I hope you will learn more about alcoholism, recovery, codependency and loving yourself during this time.

vttodd

So She is in the hospital again today,Not at the jail. I called b/c her picture is not on the website. She has awfull panic attacks and the jail WILL not dispence her meds to her. How do you cope not talking or seeing the one you love? I love her sooooo much that Its driving me crazy and I cant think or eat! I just want her in bed ,holding her,touching her,She drank b/c of her rape,father beating her,and distrust in men. She is very pretty for 40 years old. she looks like she is in her early 30"s. I just cant hold out much longer before i crack!!!!!!!!!!!!!

vttodd

I just love her so much!!!!!!!! She ONLY drank 2 times a month abd she was the greatest person in the world.I know she has a drinking problem,but letting go is so hard to do.I dont have any friends,all of mine has kids,wives,etc. Her family blames me for getting the last dui. (we had a major fight and i yelled at her and left her alone in our house for 3 days. I stayed at my moms to let her sober up)When she went to jail in 2008 for her 3rd dui,she came out a little crazy,meaning she was very scared and afraid of going back to jail. She was left alone in her cell for 2 weeks with only food and some books. I just afraid she will die in jail and I could not live with that!!!!!!!!!!

suki44883

Calm down, vttodd. She is in good hands and is exactly where she needs to be right now. You cannot help her at this point. It might be a good idea for you to see your doctor about your anxiety. You being all in a tizzy isn't doing either of you any good. She'll be fine. You need to take care of yourself.

Chino

vttodd, you said you're afraid you're going to crack and that you have no friends. You may not be able to see it right now, but you've already cracked and this is the fallout. Please surround yourself face to face with others who have been there, and have put the pieces back together. Find a meeting, find direction, find yourself again.

japabp2000

vttodd, first I want to welcome you to SR. Secondly, I want to ask you to take some deep breath's and focus. Ask yourself this question..."what good is it doing anyone for me to be so upset about someone's life when that someone doesn't value me or their own life?" Now, after you ask yourself that question, try to answer it. You should focus on you. Stop wasting your energy worrying about her. I know, I know..that is much easier said than done..but the fact is..there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. There is one thing to be certain of, and that is the certainty that she is safe, she is going to be taken care of, and if she does do a year in jail, she will be sober during that time and might possibly consider recovery from her addiction. You can not change her or help her by holding her in bed..in fact you can't fix her PERIOD. It is ultimately up to her whether she wants to change or not. I urge you, as so many others have, to seek counseling and Al-Anon. You need to focus on your well being and turn her over to your higher power. Please keep posting.
Hugs, Aimee

Babyblue

Try to keep it in perspective, she isn't a prisoner of war and she will not die in jail (tossed a cell with rats and left to rot?), she isn't on death row, she isn't in Siberia...so you have to keep your thinking clearer.

Jails are full of people in her exact situation. What good is it for her if you are being so traumatized by this? Wouldn't the supportive thing be to not overreact?

She is there for a reason, she was driving drunk and that is very serious. She could have killed someone then where would she be? In a far worse situation in jail and the courts than she is in now. For much longer than a year.

This is a direct consequence of her drinking but it could have been much much worse. So try to keep it in perspective.

vttodd

I am trying so hard to forget her right now. I know this is more of a relationship issue,but there is a lot more to our story. I have no family,my dad,brother,sister are all dead. My mom is in a nurseing home, Demencia, Does not know from time to time who I am. I am alone with very few options.She WAS my best friend, lover,everything to me. I wish I could go back in time and put her in rehab so this would have never happend!!!!

coffeedrinker

welcome to sober recovery.

i hope you have seen that we are:
responsive
intelligent
critical
experienced
caring

it is not my intention to offend you, or put you off. it is my intention to reach out to you and say what i - a stranger - sees as your real problem.

from what i have highlighted above, my take is that you have a pretty large piece of luggage you're toting around.

not your fault.

there is a lot more to your story
of course there is. none of us is one-dimensional, and neither are our histories. we find that we think we are the only ones who really understand, our relationship was the strongest one since romeo and what's-her-name, and that the extenuating circumstances make a difference somehow.

at this point, your lover is alcoholic. it doesn't matter at the moment that she suffered unspeakable abuse as a child, or whatever else made her the train wreck that she is today. making excuses, disguised as "understanding" and "being compassionate" does not help anyone. action is needed and instead of being a mess because that action might be taking shape, try being grateful that she is not pouring booze down her throat.

i have no family; she was everything to me
is, in my opinion, a recipe for an overly dependent relationship. she is not the panacea for you, and you are not for her. if it feels like that, however, that is a clear finger pointing to trouble, and what you need to work on.

i wish i could...put her in rehab
this statement, while i understand it, and have lived versions of it, is telling.
even though she loves you, you simply don't have that much power. most of us feel that manipulating or forcing someone to do rehab, when they're not ready to give up the addiction, is futile. oh, but we hang onto hope and the possibility that it will be the cure.

i do understand.

you are hooked on another person just as surely as some people are hooked on morphine.

please keep coming to this board. and consider getting a copy of codependent no more, by melody beattie. it could save your life.

glad you found us...

StarCat

My XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend) went to rehab over Christmas.
From what others have been telling me, he also went to a second rehab until last Friday.
That Friday, as I was driving in to work, I passed his car, on its way to the liquor store.

His rehab over Christmas was a wonderful gift to me, though.
He didn't get better, he hasn't recovered, he's still drinking...
But I had some time away from him, to gather my thoughts together, and realize just how low I had fallen.
I finally had some breathing room, to see where I stood, and I realized that I did not like the person I had become.

You have the same gift.
While she is in jail, try and concentrate on working on you, and getting your health and sanity back.
Being in close proximity to an alcoholic results in a lot of crazy things, and it takes us time to recover.
Tell yourself whatever you like - you're doing it for you, you're doing it for the relationship, you're doing it because you don't know what else to do because you miss her so much - but start working on yourself, and recognizing your needs in life.
It makes all the difference in the world.

vttodd

Thank you coffeedrinker!!! I guess I have a long road to recovery!

stacylove

Hiya Vttodd, Your whole existence is wrapped around this girl. I'm sure she is a great woman with problems, however, you're life is valuable too. I realize how horrible you feel right now, many of us have experienced a loss and had to get over it, and it takes time to accept the loss. Although cliche, I totally believe the saying:

If you really love someone, set them free and if they really love you they will come back to you.

Please set her free and work on becoming a strong, independent man. She would appreciate this transformation and if she doesn't then she is not for you. You have 365 days to work on you, what will you become in that time?

Good luck to you