I'm ready to be a non-drinker AGAIN (kind of long)
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 400
I'm ready to be a non-drinker AGAIN (kind of long)
Hello SR friends, I signed up with SR 11 days ago (sarah14) with a strong desire to quit a 10 yr. wine habit. I deleted my acct. 8 days ago because I wasn't sure I belonged here. I now realize I need this forum and I would appreciate the support I felt from the moment I joined SR.
In my original post, I said I was ready to be a non-drinker. After a week being wine-free I drank a bottle. I justified it by saying I'm not an alcoholic; I can do this one night a week and my husband agreed with that. I told him if the one night led to any more drinking nights during the week, I was done with it. Well, last night I'm getting my kids ready for bed and the thoughts begin, "Go ahead, go get a bottle, blah, blah, blah." Next thing you know I'm in line at some seedy liquor store waiting to pay. Then I begin thinking, what are you doing? This is not you. Even so, I went home and had the bottle.
The reason I wasn't sure if I belonged here is because I'm not sure I'm an alcoholic. I'm sure my post sounds like that to many of you. But the reality is, I don't get drunk, I stop after the bottle (which I still think is too much), and I have never blacked out or forgotten the night before. I don't believe that I am powerless over wine, but I do think it has gained some power over me, and that frightens me. I've talked to my husband about my struggle and I believe he's beginning to understand more fully why I need to abstain.
I think it was artsoul who posted in missy's thread about the robotic response to the thoughts of drinking. That's what I felt like last night. The thoughts for drink began so I got my keys and went. Didn't even try to fight it.
The bottome line; I want to stop drinking....period. Pleasr forgive me for leaving so quickly. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you to those who support one another on this site...especially those who have been sober for several days, months, and years. Your words of encouragement are a real blessing.
In my original post, I said I was ready to be a non-drinker. After a week being wine-free I drank a bottle. I justified it by saying I'm not an alcoholic; I can do this one night a week and my husband agreed with that. I told him if the one night led to any more drinking nights during the week, I was done with it. Well, last night I'm getting my kids ready for bed and the thoughts begin, "Go ahead, go get a bottle, blah, blah, blah." Next thing you know I'm in line at some seedy liquor store waiting to pay. Then I begin thinking, what are you doing? This is not you. Even so, I went home and had the bottle.
The reason I wasn't sure if I belonged here is because I'm not sure I'm an alcoholic. I'm sure my post sounds like that to many of you. But the reality is, I don't get drunk, I stop after the bottle (which I still think is too much), and I have never blacked out or forgotten the night before. I don't believe that I am powerless over wine, but I do think it has gained some power over me, and that frightens me. I've talked to my husband about my struggle and I believe he's beginning to understand more fully why I need to abstain.
I think it was artsoul who posted in missy's thread about the robotic response to the thoughts of drinking. That's what I felt like last night. The thoughts for drink began so I got my keys and went. Didn't even try to fight it.
The bottome line; I want to stop drinking....period. Pleasr forgive me for leaving so quickly. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you to those who support one another on this site...especially those who have been sober for several days, months, and years. Your words of encouragement are a real blessing.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think there's a lot of focus on 'alcoholic' on sites like these and a lot of competing ideas on just what that means.
I think it's useful sometimes to cut it back to basics.
If you're not happy with your drinking, for whatever reason and you want to quit, again for whatever reason - I really think SR is great. I credit it with saving my life.
Try to focus on the similarities maybe Sarah.
I used to drink all day every day...but I used to think a period of abstinence meant I had control now too, I also had the pervasive and obsessive thoughts out of nowhere...I also found myself, almost in a trance, buying booze and taking it home, even when there was a big part of me that didn't want to.
Our stories may be different sometimes in detail or degree - but we all know you what you mean
Welcome back
D
I think it's useful sometimes to cut it back to basics.
If you're not happy with your drinking, for whatever reason and you want to quit, again for whatever reason - I really think SR is great. I credit it with saving my life.
Try to focus on the similarities maybe Sarah.
I used to drink all day every day...but I used to think a period of abstinence meant I had control now too, I also had the pervasive and obsessive thoughts out of nowhere...I also found myself, almost in a trance, buying booze and taking it home, even when there was a big part of me that didn't want to.
Our stories may be different sometimes in detail or degree - but we all know you what you mean
Welcome back
D
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Alcoholism is progressive. If you continue to drink, it will just get worse. While right now you may not be a full-blown alcoholic, it is obvious that you are a problem drinker. You can't talk yourself out of going to get that bottle. People who do not have a problem with alcohol don't make deals with themselves about when and how much they will drink. It never crosses their minds to say I won't drink during the week, I'll only drink on weekends. When we start doing that, it is a sure sign that alcohol is gaining control.
Welcome back! Stick around this time and do a lot of reading and posting. There is much support and wisdom to be found here.
Welcome back! Stick around this time and do a lot of reading and posting. There is much support and wisdom to be found here.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Welcome back..Lots of questions today on Am I An Alcoholic. Suki said it..normal drinkers don't ever ponder that. They don't make deals and once you make deals it is easy to start bending the rules..it was for me anyway. I know alcohol won out..I tossed in the towel. I have no more use for it. It eventually tried to kill me off slowly. Glad you are back.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
Alcoholism is progressive. If you continue to drink, it will just get worse. While right now you may not be a full-blown alcoholic, it is obvious that you are a problem drinker. You can't talk yourself out of going to get that bottle. People who do not have a problem with alcohol don't make deals with themselves about when and how much they will drink. It never crosses their minds to say I won't drink during the week, I'll only drink on weekends. When we start doing that, it is a sure sign that alcohol is gaining control.
Thank you all for your warm welcome back. That is exactly what I expected.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
You're welcome, sarah. One thing you will find here is honesty. We may not always say what someone wants to hear, but we will always be honest. Most of us have been where you are, and some of us have gone a lot further down that road of destruction. Some of us even needed a house to fall on us before we finally got the message. 
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 32
I can relate
Originally Posted by sarah1414
The reason I wasn't sure if I belonged here is because I'm not sure I'm an alcoholic. I'm sure my post sounds like that to many of you. But the reality is, I don't get drunk, I stop after the bottle (which I still think is too much), and I have never blacked out or forgotten the night before. I don't believe that I am powerless over wine, but I do think it has gained some power over me, and that frightens me.
Suddenly, out of know where, I found that it took two or more bottles to do the job (to get buzzed, not drunk). Now- drinking two bottles a night starts to slowly wear on you, especially if you work full time.
I guess I'm saying, I managed to keep a job, etc... and moderate my drinking for years. But if you're an alcoholic, sooner or later you'll discover that the disease is progressive.
I only have 3 days, so I'm no expert! But I'm looking forward to a clear headed Monday!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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[QUOTE=johnc;2938114]Suddenly, out of know where, I found that it took two or more bottles to do the job (to get buzzed, not drunk). Now- drinking two bottles a night starts to slowly wear on you, especially if you work full time.[QUOTE]
This is why I am so grateful to be here now facing my problem. Thanks for sharing john. Another reminder of the power of alcohol and how it can take us completely by surprise sometimes.
Stay strong this week and I will do the same!
This is why I am so grateful to be here now facing my problem. Thanks for sharing john. Another reminder of the power of alcohol and how it can take us completely by surprise sometimes.
Stay strong this week and I will do the same!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Welcome back! My experience with recovery is none of can fully start the process until we admit / accept complete defeat. If you're not convinced you are an alcoholic but still view alcohol as a solution to life's problems - then you're probably going to repeat this behavior over and over again...
I'm not trying to be negative, but what you are describing is a tough case. "I need to quit, and I'm going to quit"! A few days pass.. "A drink would sure be nice right now -... no, I said I'm going to quit so I will not drink"... A few more days pass, "That drink still sounds good - maybe I'll have one - I'm not like those drunks anyway, I can handle it"... The the drinking takes hold, the feelings of guilt, being hungover, and all of the other crappy things that go along with drinking high doses of alcohol happen - and we decide to quit again.... Then the cycle repeats...
This happened to me many many many times. I am an alcoholic. I had to be completely beaten by this thing in order to truly accept it. The only options are, a. you really are making too big a deal about this alcohol thing and you're not an alcoholic - which is unlikely, most normal drinkers don't ever try and quit and if they do, very (and I mean very) few would fail. or b. you really are an alcoholic and you're disease is talking you into drinking.
It's up to you what you decide to do. If you want support in trying to quit drinking I'll be here. If you decide that you are not an alcoholic and want to drink A BOTTLE of wine per night - that's cool to.
Recovery is for people you want it - not for people that need it.
I hope this doesn't come off as negative, it wasn't my intention. I just think that trying to quit drinking and then failing at quitting is a pretty good sign that there may be some issues there.
Best of luck!
I'm not trying to be negative, but what you are describing is a tough case. "I need to quit, and I'm going to quit"! A few days pass.. "A drink would sure be nice right now -... no, I said I'm going to quit so I will not drink"... A few more days pass, "That drink still sounds good - maybe I'll have one - I'm not like those drunks anyway, I can handle it"... The the drinking takes hold, the feelings of guilt, being hungover, and all of the other crappy things that go along with drinking high doses of alcohol happen - and we decide to quit again.... Then the cycle repeats...
This happened to me many many many times. I am an alcoholic. I had to be completely beaten by this thing in order to truly accept it. The only options are, a. you really are making too big a deal about this alcohol thing and you're not an alcoholic - which is unlikely, most normal drinkers don't ever try and quit and if they do, very (and I mean very) few would fail. or b. you really are an alcoholic and you're disease is talking you into drinking.
It's up to you what you decide to do. If you want support in trying to quit drinking I'll be here. If you decide that you are not an alcoholic and want to drink A BOTTLE of wine per night - that's cool to.
Recovery is for people you want it - not for people that need it.
I hope this doesn't come off as negative, it wasn't my intention. I just think that trying to quit drinking and then failing at quitting is a pretty good sign that there may be some issues there.
Best of luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
[QUOTE=johnc;2938114]Suddenly, out of know where, I found that it took two or more bottles to do the job (to get buzzed, not drunk). Now- drinking two bottles a night starts to slowly wear on you, especially if you work full time.
I guess I'm saying, I managed to keep a job, etc... and moderate my drinking for years. But if you're an alcoholic, sooner or later you'll discover that the disease is progressive. [QUOTE]
Yeah, it wears on you. It certainly wore on me, and I found it easier to drink faster and then go to bed early. But it seemed that faster began to take longer and I was drinking from the time I got home till midnight, then up again at 6:30 for another day.
Towards the end of my drinking at times it was hard to get that high, the relaxed state, that feeling that all was right. Occassionally I would drink as much as a liter of vodka, and absolutely be drunk, but never have gotten to that "good" part of the drinking. I would go from shaking because I was physically needing that first drink and by the end of the night, I was still shaking, but never got the release I sought. The physiology of drinking changes over time as the disease progresses. By the time you are aware of it, you find that you can't not drink.
I don't know how to put it other than I did above. You may still wonder whether you are an alcoholic, but let me tell you that if you are and continue to drink, life will eventually get horribly complicated. And maybe in a way its a good thing I got to the stage that I did. I accept without reservation that I am an alcoholic, and that if I were to "try" again - I would be right back where I left off. I never got a DUI, never lost a job (should've, but didn't), but I am definitely an alcoholic.
Good luck - but be honest with yourself. This is not chicken pox we're talking about, alcoholism is fatal.
I guess I'm saying, I managed to keep a job, etc... and moderate my drinking for years. But if you're an alcoholic, sooner or later you'll discover that the disease is progressive. [QUOTE]
Yeah, it wears on you. It certainly wore on me, and I found it easier to drink faster and then go to bed early. But it seemed that faster began to take longer and I was drinking from the time I got home till midnight, then up again at 6:30 for another day.
Towards the end of my drinking at times it was hard to get that high, the relaxed state, that feeling that all was right. Occassionally I would drink as much as a liter of vodka, and absolutely be drunk, but never have gotten to that "good" part of the drinking. I would go from shaking because I was physically needing that first drink and by the end of the night, I was still shaking, but never got the release I sought. The physiology of drinking changes over time as the disease progresses. By the time you are aware of it, you find that you can't not drink.
I don't know how to put it other than I did above. You may still wonder whether you are an alcoholic, but let me tell you that if you are and continue to drink, life will eventually get horribly complicated. And maybe in a way its a good thing I got to the stage that I did. I accept without reservation that I am an alcoholic, and that if I were to "try" again - I would be right back where I left off. I never got a DUI, never lost a job (should've, but didn't), but I am definitely an alcoholic.
Good luck - but be honest with yourself. This is not chicken pox we're talking about, alcoholism is fatal.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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reggiewayne, thank you for your thoughtful response, I appreciate your honesty and I always looking forward to reading your posts in the various threads.
I realize I have a problem and that is why I'm here again. I want recovery and that is why I believe this time will be different.
Eddiebuckle, thank you for your thougts. I am trying to be as honest with myself as possible.
I realize I have a problem and that is why I'm here again. I want recovery and that is why I believe this time will be different.
Eddiebuckle, thank you for your thougts. I am trying to be as honest with myself as possible.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Eddiebuckle literally described the last year of hell, I mean drinking, that I went through. Wanting so bad to have the ease and release that alcohol "used" to provide. Alcohol, is just not a solution for life. I used it as one for sooooo long. Eventually alcohol took alcohol away. Soon I was left with either wanting a drink very badly, or not wanting one due to being hungover, or being completely drunk - still restless, still discontent, and still irritable. I had to find another way. Thank god I did.
You can to Sarah. I truly wish you the best. Hang in there and give this thing another try!!!
You can to Sarah. I truly wish you the best. Hang in there and give this thing another try!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome back! I think this is a great place to be if you're questioning your drinking at all.
I never really got beyond a bottle of wine a day (once or twice I drank one of the bigger bottles, but only in the last couple of months before I quit). Of course, considering that a bottle of wine is actually 7-9 units of alcohol, that's way past the 1 drink/day recommended for women.
I didn't blackout either. There were times when I noticed I was starting to slur a few words, but most often that would have been right before I went to sleep.....
I sure did have the hangovers, though, and the obsession/urges..... and I started wondering what I was doing to my liver over time. I knew alcohol was affecting me. I had plenty of reasons to quit.
I think it's normal to wrestle with idea of being an alcoholic, but I don't think things have to get bad before we do something. All I know is that it felt like a kind of addiction, so the term "alcoholic" was as good as any for me......
I never really got beyond a bottle of wine a day (once or twice I drank one of the bigger bottles, but only in the last couple of months before I quit). Of course, considering that a bottle of wine is actually 7-9 units of alcohol, that's way past the 1 drink/day recommended for women.
I didn't blackout either. There were times when I noticed I was starting to slur a few words, but most often that would have been right before I went to sleep.....
I sure did have the hangovers, though, and the obsession/urges..... and I started wondering what I was doing to my liver over time. I knew alcohol was affecting me. I had plenty of reasons to quit.
I think it's normal to wrestle with idea of being an alcoholic, but I don't think things have to get bad before we do something. All I know is that it felt like a kind of addiction, so the term "alcoholic" was as good as any for me......
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