susanlauren

First, let me start by saying that I have made a decision and a commitment to go through with this process and work all twelve steps of AA. Honestly. Thoroughly. Whole-heartedly. [Remember, I was the one who a little over two weeks ago wasn't going to work any of the steps (and I certainly didn't need AA either). I've literally come around 180 degrees in my thinking.]

That being said, I am beginning to understand why most of the people in AA don't work the steps. No one would do any of this work unless they absolutely, positively had to, which I guess is the point to having an at depth step one experience. It is hard work. It is painful. It is humbling. And quite frankly, I am not liking this process one bit.

As I write my inventory, I am seeing myself for who I really am. I am not liking the picture that is emerging. Childish. Arrogant. Resentful. Fearful. Dishonest. Selfish. Immature. Along with a few other descriptors. And I am headed off to teach CCD/Religious Ed classes this evening! Add, Hypocrite. How did I get to be this person I so don't like?
Susan

GettingStronger2

Hug Susan. It is hard stuff to go through and to see. It is important that you don't sit on it or dwell on your 4th step for too long. You will want to move onto your 5th as soon as possible.

Remember, you are not a bad person. You have done some bad things. We all have. The point of doing this, however, is so you can see it, and become a better person -- The Susan you and God want you to be.

Mark75

Growth is painful.

But what a wonderful gift it is, to see ourselves as who we are... I remember when first had that experience... oh, and it's a gift that keeps on giving... LOLOLOLOL.... It allowed me to realize that I'm just a man, and now I have the chance to be the best man I can be...

Keep moving Susan... I never met you, I have only read your posts and you seem like a fine human being... one who is trying to be the best they can be....

WakeUp

I'm a nose-to-the-grindstone over-achiever, but when I got to Step 4, well let's just say
it isn't exactly my idea of fun. It was hard and humbling! Getting all that junk out though, it's so liberating! It's like walking out of the prison of my self and into freedom.

Get that inventory done, be completely honest, then on to the 5th Step. You will then be ready to enter into freedom.

Ananda

We all have to work hard on these things, but keep perspective...I suffer from the **** the destroyer syndrom...I think i'm so much worse....you are no different from any other person, alchoholic or not!

The steps are a way to learn about your own delusions and change. Seeing yourself as you really are is the goal of the 4th step..you take an inventory of the storeroom of yourself and don't fool yourself about the value of what you find....some is discoragingly rotted...but there are also tiny jewels of value.

I find it helpful to take out the judgement part that says...all is good or all is baad because of what I find in my inventories. It is what it is. It's a fact finding misson, nothing more. When you become overwhelmed, talk to others and you will find that we all have areas that need repair. It feels painful at times, but if you share with others, you may find your "bad merchandise" is not so unusual.

The rest of the steps will lead you to an okness with things as they are...and an ability to change what you need to change and develop what you need to keep

I haven't read your posts, but I do believe a total commitment to try the deal is key if you are gonna learn anything about yourself, the steps and the program.

CarolD

The 4th is like cleaning out your closets...
getting rid of the ill fitting..out of date ..dark colors .

in order to brighten up with spiffy new outfits.

Off with the old...move forward with new hope and joy

NoelleR

In congunction with everyone else here; goodonya for knockin' out that dreaded 4th; it can be a bugger, but after it's done......? wooooooooweeeeeee!!!!

There was one thing you said that kinda has me stumped...........: "...I am beginning to understand why most of the people in AA don't work the steps..." I'm sorry if this is true where you are...that most folkd in AA (there) don't work the steps....how very sad. I just thought you might like to know that that isn't so for AA all over; here, at the meetings I've attended, most have worked the steps at least once, and many have done them many times. I hope you may find a group of those who have worked them and had a 'spiritual experience' and have recovered.....das da bes.... (o:


NoelleR

DayTrader

Been reading MY inventory Susan? lol

I too did that same 180......and didn't like the work that was staring me in the face either. Then, what I found, what I found out about me......OMG. Not "fun" stuff. Daily Reflections hit on this same point today though: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...flections.html I deceived myself about reality, rewriting it to what I wanted it to be. My Higher Power can remove this character defect, but first I have to help myself become willing to receive that help by not practicing deception. I need to remember each day that deceiving myself about myself is setting myself up for failure or disappointment in life and in Alcoholics Anonymous.


Seeing the truth...... OUR truth.....isn't something that "feels good." - Especially when you've (I've / we've) been living in a delusional world for so long. It IS healthy though. It's necessary to see what's really happening...so that we know what TO do and what NOT to do. It'll help deepen your relationship with your HP too.....cuz a lot of that stuff that you'll want to NOT do anymore (like the deception mentioned in the reading) is stuff that you may be powerless to stop - you'll need help - and it'll have to be help from a power greater than human power.

A crumby as it looks though, you're on good footing. Seeing our lives for what they ARE rather than what we trick ourselves into believing they are is a great foundation for a healthy life going forward because we realize we need that relationship with our HP - we don't WANT to do things on our own anymore because the results are too scattered and disorganized. And it grows with you...that relationship. You can go further than you ever thought you could - but you've got to get your bearings straight and find out where you are first.

For the longest time, "in AA" I still believed it was me "not drinking." Quite the shock when it hit me that I couldn't even "not drink" on my own - I needed (and was getting - unbeknownst to me) TONS of help from the God of my understanding. Realizations like that are hell on the "false ego." And when our false ego it getting beaten up, it feels like WE are getting beaten up...... but really it's just the mask coming off.....and once it's off we can truly start to experience life, life as it's meant to be - and that's truly a gift.

Keep up the good work......I know it's not fun.......and I know it hurts..........but it's necessary and boy-o-boy - is it ever worth it! I admire your honesty and your willingness to keep pushing in lieu of "not wanting to." GREAT STUFF!!

Music

I certainly do understand how you feel but doing the work and dealing with all the nasty stuff that may come up, beats the alternative.

laurie6781

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I so understand and definitely relate! However, I have to tell you that the 'rewards' for doing this HARD work will be so much more than you can even imagine!!!!!!

Yes, it is very HARD work and that is why you will hear a lot of "AA is for those that WANT it, not necessarily for those tht NEED it." How true this is! You will see that those who stay and work the steps, they have a new 'spring' in their walk, their eyes sparkle, when they smile it goes all the way to their eyes, and when they laugh it is a laugh that comes all the way from the deepest innermost parts of their body.

You keep going, sounds like you are making the correct decisions for you!

Love and hugs,

susanlauren

Mark: "But what a wonderful gift it is, to see ourselves as who we are... I remember when first had that experience... oh, and it's a gift that keeps on giving. It allowed me to realize that I'm just a man, and now I have the chance to be the best man I can be...


The gift that keeps on giving ... I am getting the idea that this process is one that results in the deepening and ongoing surrender of self to the God of our understanding. This dying to self is not an easy thing. I am also getting the idea that rebirth can only happen if the process is carried through to its completion. I truly believe I will get to the other side; I'm just not liking the journey.


Music: "I certainly do understand how you feel but doing the work and dealing with all the nasty stuff that may come up, beats the alternative."

Yeah, I agree, the alternative is entirely unacceptable as a choice.


DayTrader: "Been reading MY inventory Susan?" "I too did that same 180......and didn't like the work that was staring me in the face either."

Yeah, I guess I shouldn't have read your inventory, DayTrader. My bad. I'm glad I am not the only one to do the 180 thing. I really appreciate your comments about your spiritual journey and the reliance/dependence you developed upon your Higher Power. In hindsight, I think that I, too, have been getting TONS OF HELP from the God of my understanding when all along I've been thinking I've been doing things on my own.

I am literally taking all of you at your word when you say the end results of working the steps will be graces, gifts and blessings far better than I could ever imagine.
Susan

DayTrader

I'd add that RECOVERY is there for those who DO the work..... wanting recovery isn't sufficient (hasn't been for me anyway). I can't think-myself into a recovered state (and God knows I've tried - lol).....I've got to act myself there with actions.

And like Music said...... I "could" always go back to NOT doing the work and roll right back into my drunken life of the past...... ugh, in that light, I guess writing inventory isn't so bad after all.

Sugah

How very fortunate for you that liking it is not a requirement.

Like everyone else has said in one form or another...do the work, & you'll be glad you did.

Peace & Love,
Sugah